tired of the slow death

[boris]

I'm writing this through my tears. Tears of relief and regret. Relieved to have found you. Regretting that I need to be here. I am in the depths of dispare and self loathing and am too ashamed to confide in anyone close to me. That's a good thing. I can still feel something.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past few weeks, and realize it is a matter of life or death that I free myself from the choke hold that P and MB have on me. I have a good life, a good family, a good spiritual foundation, and I'm risking it all, by leading a double life that no one knows about but me. And God. It's a very dirty not so little secret.

I've thought about how I got into this whole mess, and in short, it all boils down to skating too close to the edge, curious to see what's lurking in those dark cold waters, thinking the ice won't crack beneath me. But it's cracking. A guilty conscience does that.

I'm thankful I've hit rock bottom. I'm thankful for this wake up call. I'm thankful I'm not too numb to feel shame. I'm thankful that there is a way out. I'm thankful for the support I know I'll receive from all of you.

I hope in time I'll be able to pay it forward to someone who is feeling as low as I am.

boris

[Benedict]

Boris, welcome. You have come to the right place. Lots of resources, ideas, and support. See the last entries posted in reply to aswaswas for some suggestions for getting started. Important to really think through the problems P is causing you and the benefits for YOU of quitting. Really motivate yourself to quit for you. And then identify the triggers that lead you to p and write down and implement strategies for responding differently to them. And starting a journal here really helps. If nothing else, knowing that you will have to confess here if you slip is a great motivator. and there is no point in having the journal if you are not honest in it.


Good luck.

[boris]

Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. I've started my journal twice and had a technical glitch. But it still helped to see it honestly in print. I'll take your council to heart. boris

[Desert Ghost]

Boris,

Welcome and let me say that you are making a good start on your road to recovery. But, at some point in time you will been to confess your problem to your family (SO or those close to you). An to have the best chance at recovery is get all your pillars of support in place. In other words a Therapist, a Spiritual guide (pastor, etc.), your SO or Family, and a Twelve Step Program (Sex Addicts Anonymous).

Then here is the hard part be open and honest with yourself and all of those supporting you. Because accountability is a big part of recovery.

[boris]

Thanks for the guidance. I'm hopeful to kick this thing.
boris

[maggie]

Boris,

As the very hurt & humiliated wife of a PA, I am moved by your posting " A slow death "

It helps us the SO's to see the suffering of the PA, because we tend to only feel our own pain at feeling so betrayed by our partner.

You seem to ' get it '. Look up the postings entitled " The Click Factor " Many of the PA's speak about the click factor, the moment when you realize just how much P is taking away from you and your life and you decide you want to take back control.

Good luck in your fight for control.