Not Sure What To Do

[Rainbow]

Hi all, I recently came across the site here and after reading for about a month finally decided to bite the bullet and join up.

I have been married for just over 4 months now. About 2 months into my marriage I discovered a short but explicit chat log between my husband and another woman, which clearly included a webcam. Needless to say I was devastated and to top it all off, it happened on the day that we had been married 2 months.

After confronting him and a lot of tears on both our parts, he got rid of his webcam, barely uses instant messaging now and promised me that he would never ever do it again. I do believe him on this score.

However, since then I have realised that he watches porn on a regular basis. We went on our honeymoon about 2 weeks after the incident that I've described above and only took one mobile phone with us. Whilst waiting for him to come out of the bathroom I checked the time on his phone, only to see that he had accessed a porn site. He told me that it was something that his friends sent him. However, since then I have been sneaking a look at his phone's internet history and seen that he seems to watch every few days or so. I don't even know if he was watching every few days on our honeymoon, as it never occured to me to check the internet browser on before.

I don't really know whether I should say something to him as I don't want to admit being the sneak. But everytime I know he's been looking at that filth it makes me so angry that I find it hard to look him in the face and speak to him in a civil manner. I think he has realised that I check the phone now as for a whole week last week he did not look at anything, but when I checked his phone again on the weekend, he'd erased the internet history. This is the second time he has done so in recent weeks, after gaps of about a week without watching any. He doesn't use our laptop as after the chat incident he knows I check this on a regular basis.

I'm scared that he's found somewhere else to watch it, like on his brother's laptop (we live in a joint family with his brother and his wife), or on his work laptop? And I'm also so scared that it will be the porn which leads him back down a path where he may end up chatting to women again - although as I said, I don't believe that he has done so since I confronted him.

I guess I wanted to know what other SO's thoughts were, what would you do. I know the first step would be to talk to him, but I'm so ashamed that I've had to stoop to this level.

[Crisodian]

Rainbow -
First welcome to TTF. My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more devistating than broken trust in a relationship. I am a married SO of a PA in recovery, and myself am a non-P addict in recovery for many years.

My suggestions for you based on what you have shared is this:
1. My gut tells me he has a problem with P. If he is sneaking and lying to you about viewing, then deleting his history, obviously he knows what he is doing is wrong. I may be off base here, but it definitely fits the PA pattern of behavior.

2. You are his wife and his SO. Even though you feel you are sneaking and you are angry with him for his behavior, he is responsible for it. Try to keep that in mind. If he really has a P problem, you are not at fault nor to blame for his actions.

3. As you are fairly new to your marriage, I would highly suggest you confront him about the P use and set guidelines for what is acceptable in your relationship as a couple. If you do not want P as part of your lives together, then tell him so, bluntly and honesty. I know I make tht sound easy, and believe me, as all the SOs here will tell you, it is not. But there have been many great suggestions made here at TTF on how to confront your spouse about his problem. There are also many great books availbale as resources on how to confront a spouse with a P addiction.

I hope this helps. Please view this only as my opinions and suggestions based on what you have shared. Everyone's journey is different. I encourage you to read the Recovery Journals section to gain an understanding of PA and read the Partner's Forum to empower yourself that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

I'm so ashamed that I've had to stoop to this level.

Rainbow,

You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed; quite the reverse, you are the one who is doing the right thing.

I wish I could say the same of your H.

As Crisodian has pointed out, and speaking from years worth of my own personal stealth P-use (something for which I am very ashamed BTW), what you describe has all of the earmarks of a PA who is actively using and actively hiding this from you.

Four months into a marriage this is very far from good news I realize.

However, imagine being 18 years into the marriage and then finding out. Ugly.

So you know NOW, and it's not good. But it could be worse. Knowing this early there is a problem means (as long as he wakes up) you both have a great chance to defeat the monster together.

A tried-and-true method for waking him up is to write a letter to him describing in detail how this makes you feel.

If he has a conscience and loves you then that letter will make a difference in this war.

Daniel

[little_wife]

Hi Rainbow, and welcome to our group. Many hugs to you. Daniel and Crisodian are both so smart, and always give the best advice. Another thing I might suggest to you, is to ask him why he married you. Let him think back and remember why he chose to bring a partner on board in the first place. Remembering might help him reassess what he's doing with his priorities. Most of all good luck to you, and don't let his shame become yours. >:D<

[Junebug1944]

Hey rainbow! thanks sharing your feelings. But you have NOTHING to feel ashamed and bad about. If he wasn't doing something he shouldn't be you wouldn't have to look. The fact that he is hding it shows that he knows you don't approve. Confronting him will be hard, but necessary. Like the others said, you need to set boundaries on what is and what is not acceptable.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Rainbow-

Do not feel ashamed for checking on him. You found out about his chatting right after you were married. Then you innocently looked at his phone on your honeymoon and found P on it. So, now you don't trust him and you check up on him. That is because he has proven untrustworthy. There can be privacy between married couples, but not secrets.

You are newlyweds and you are in love. Is part of the reason you don't want to confront him is because if he has to choose between you and P, then you don't know if he will choose you? Or if he says he chooses you, will he just get better at sneaking around?

Crisosian and Daniel gave good advice. I encourage you to figure out what you can live with. If he is lying and sneaking around now, and already went interactive with someone, don't think it will get better on its own. If he says he's sorry and promises to stop... words are not enough really. He needs to take action. Don't be embarrassed or feel like you shouldn't confront him. If you don't want a 3rd party in your marriage, decide now. Like Daniel said, imagine 18 years in. Avoiding this issue won't make it better.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you keep us posted. I also hope you realise your own worth. You deserve a committed marriage. Demand it now and see that your husband follows through. I hope he can see the light and halt his harmful behavior.

Hugs.

[Rainbow]

Thank you all so much for your kind welcome messages and advice...makes me glad I took the plunge and joined up :).

I guess WoNLM, what I'm scared of is as you say that he gets better at sneaking around. A little bit more of the story...

When I found out about him chatting him to that woman, I told him that I wanted him to change all of his passwords (as I knew the one he uses for most of his email/msn/facebook etc). I did that because I know myself and I knew that I would be tempted to obsessively check things out. He refused to do so and wanted everything to be open to me should I want to look.

About 2 or 3 weeks after the incident I couldn't help it and looked at his (by now deactivated) facebook account, which raised some questions for me. We discussed them, but he made it very clear that he was upset that I had snooped in that way. Again, I told him to change his passwords as that was the only way I would be able to give myself peace of mind by trying to place trust in him again...and he would have to prove that he was worthy of that trust. He told me that if I ever felt anything was wrong he wanted me to ask him straight up and not snoop around.

He told me that he had deactivated his facebook account as a break from his previous lifestyle. What I'm scared of is just provoking further arguments about an issue that I really do trust has not arisen again.

What I fear is that the constant pornography use may lead to a situation where he goes back to that online fantasy world. I promised myself a few weeks ago that I would go for a whole week without checking either his laptop or his phone and I managed it. Of course I checked as soon as the week was up /:). Of late, there are longer gaps between him looking at anything. We have also had several conversations after seeing quite explicit images in some late night television where I have really emphasised how I view it as filth and wrong. Whereas he just says it's unnecessary and changes the channel. The hypocrisy really gets me too...as he'd never dream of watching explicit images in front of any of us women in the house...

In my wondering (and perhaps wandering :D mind) I don't know if the increased gaps between viewing are him trying to wean himself away from it, or a sign that he's found somewhere else to watch it. Phone's with internet capabilities are a real danger...sigh!

[Crisodian]

Rainbow,
I speak from experience with my H when I tell you that yes, PAs can, and do, get sneakier about hiding their usage. They also get better at lies. My H, when he was deep into his PA, could look me straight in the eye and lie with the best of them and I never had a clue.

Like you, I took control of the passwords and changed them all. Deleted the mess he made online and felt obligated to "look" and monitor what was happening in his accounts. I will warn you that it is a double edged sword. For me to heal, I needed to see everything he was doing. Understand, for myself, the true scope of his addiction. But when I looked and his usage had stopped, my brain, thanks in part to what PA did to the trust in our marriage, registered that as him being sneakier and hiding it better and think the same way you are right now ... in that he had found a new place to get his "fix". It caused me to look harder and become close to being obsessed with catching him in a lie again. I finally had to stop looking. To stop checking. It was making me crazy. :)

We SOs have a lot in common here at TTF. I hope you will continue to share your journey with us here.

Peace,
~C~

[Desert Ghost]

Just let me add to all the good advice that the other have given you. If and I mean IF he is truly ready to change his way about P use then suggest to him that he should get professional help. Once he agrees make sure that he follow though with it and he and you will find that professional help will get at the root of his problem with P. Then the two of you - when he is ready for you to join him in session, can begin healing together. An talk him into joining TTF if he has not done so already.

[Rainbow]

Thank you all so much for your supporting messages. It really helps to know that there are others out there who understand what I'm going through, and that I'm not crazy!

I'm at the stage where I've realised that at some point I have to confront him with this. Yesterday he'd plugged his phone into the kitchen radio to play some music off it, when I pulled it off as we'd finished I had a quick look at the browser and saw what he'd been looking at that evening. So I did something that gave me no pleasure but was aimed at making a point I guess. I left the last page he looked at open on his phone and then left him to find it. His face told me he knew what I saw, and I waited for him to mention it, but he didn't.

He's joining the gym tomorrow which I'm glad about. He seems to look at the porn in between the time he gets home from work and comes to pick me up from the train station (a gap of about an hour and a half). So that will eliminate that 'empty' gap of time.

He's also suddenly said in an email to me today that I'm the best and he was a fool for never realising it, can't repay it etc...and that he'll now be focusing on homelife, work and the gym...so perhaps it's an admission without admitting it...who knows~X(

I guess that's the new thing to fight for SOs, it's no longer just the pc and the laptop, but the phone browser!

There was an interesting article in a newspaper called The Independent on Sunday about pornography addiction in the UK. I wasn't sure about posting it here though because of some of the links. But it was interesting to note that the issue was written about in such a mainstream newspaper - The Independent is a broadsheet newspaper.