Not Sure What To Do

[little_wife]

Yes, this issue seems to know no geographical boundaries.

I know this has been so hard on you rainbow, but I'm really glad that you're dealing with it now. Maybe you all can get a handle on this before it begins to define your lives. I also love how tactful you are. I was never able to control my emotions that well. I was either silent for years on the issue, or fuming-- very little in between. Even with your subtly, it sounds like your husband is a quick study. He must love you very much to be putting forth his effort. Gosh, I hope you all make it through this smoothly. Hugs to you for now.

[Desert Ghost]

LW at time I myself have found that the Brits are starting to put out in their mainstream news outlet articles and stories like the one you brought up and other that because of the social norms of the US public when it comes to openly discussing this types of issues will never happen. Because the news outlets are faced with censorship laws, but when they can point a finger at someone and say see what they have been doing - that's NEWS (enough of this rant). As for you H, until he looks you in the face and verbally admits that he has a P problem he is still not be truthful with you or himself.

Early now when I hit rock-bottom I told my SO that I need help, that I had a problem with P and MB. That kind of statement from me was hard, but it also started to break down the wall of secrecy that I've lived with for years (I was a teen when I started down this road and it just continued even after marring LLT). So, don't let him off the hook make him tell you that he has a P problem.

[Daniel]

Thank you for mentioning the article Rainbow.

It's always good to hear there are other soldiers out there in the war.

We are not alone!

Daniel

[Rainbow]

I tried confronting my husband this morning. He told me that he doesn't watch porn and definitely doesn't need to watch it to get excited. He lied yet his reaction had me apologising to him! I feel like such a pile of rubbish. Could do with those hugs little wife, thank you

[Junebug1944]

I tried confronting my husband this morning. He told me that he doesn't watch porn and definitely doesn't need to watch it to get excited. He lied yet his reaction had me apologising to him! I feel like such a pile of rubbish. Could do with those hugs little wife, thank you

Not all confrontations end well, the PA gets defensive and in an attempt to de-escalate the situation, we end up apologizing and feeling like the bad guy. The important thing is that you confronted him though, even without a good reaction. People with addictions are in denial in a way, if they fully understood the consequences and the extent of their problems they would have gotten help without us, the SO, needing to confront them. When they have that click moment, it gets easier, not perfect, but easier. do something nice for yourself to cheer yourself up when stuff like this happens. Self care is important.

[little_wife]

I tried confronting my husband this morning. He told me that he doesn't watch porn and definitely doesn't need to watch it to get excited. He lied yet his reaction had me apologising to him! I feel like such a pile of rubbish. Could do with those hugs little wife, thank you

MANY MANY HUGS TO YOU Rainbow. And find a way to hug yourself also. What Junebug says holds so much wisdom. Okay, you ended up apologizing. Don't feel bad about it; wouldn't it also been nice had he apologized? He didn't, he should feel like rubbish, not you. It takes soooo much courage to confront a PA. Even without them talking about it, they've made it into an untouchable conversation. If you let it continue, there will be one subject after another that you're not allowed to discuss. Believe I know from experience.

do something nice for yourself to cheer yourself up when stuff like this happens. Self care is important.

so, so smart.

[jrock123]

if he loves you, he very likely feels bad right now even though he isn't saying it and isn't apologizing. i would be very surprised if you didn't have an impact on him. you are the bigger person here and should have some satisfaction in that. he's addicted and you can't control him. he can't control himself. the big picture is that you want the two of you to be into each other, appreciating each other, focused on making each other happy. however you get there is justified even if it means you have to apologize. you have a wonderful goal and shouldn't lose sight of the big picture. you can however, let him know how you feel and help make it more clear to him that it is you that is the victim (not in those words). from experience, the things my wife said to me that made a difference were: "you are cheating on me", "I'm not good enough for you anymore", "I'm not as attractive and I don't turn you on anymore". Those statements made an impact because I love my wife and I know she deserves much better. It was completely unfair of me to drag her self-esteem down and to put her into this situation when she hadn't done a thing wrong. It made me feel awful and ultimately provided the spark as to why I decided to quit. i think if you make this about you and your feelings, you will have more success getting through to him.

[Rainbow]

Thank you little wife and junebug.... I had a pamper evening last night whilst he was out. Got out some creams and things :).

Jrock thank you for your thoughts too...you've given me something to think about.

I've started a journal now in the SO forum.