Hello....want to break free of PA and MA

[guowohp123]

Hi all,

I feel relieved to atlast find a place where I can communicate freely and ask for help. I am a male in my early thirties. My work revolves around computers and I need internet access and I stay alone in an apartment. I do not have any friends..Infact I have not had a visitor in the past few months. I provided this info to just emphasize on the fact that I have a lots of lone time in my life. I have been a MA from the age of 13 when my parents had to work and I had a lot of lone time then. As I got older, with internet access and free downloadable P, I started clicking and I used to do it for hours at a stretch. Every now and then I feel guilty, and I delete all the P material that I have. After a while, the urge becomes unsatiable and I start downloading again. I have done this four times so far. Right now, I have a huge collection and I am scared to delete it, because of the fear that I might relapse and end up spending time and energy in downloading again..not to mention my hyper downloading being noticed by my service provider and thus leading to some troublesome situations.

I am not sure how I can convince myself to get rid of everything and try to start over. Should I try to get rid of my computer and internet connection? Or should I just stash away all the P in some place and hope to not get back to it? Getting rid of computer use at home will hamper my work considerably, but things seem to have become almost irreparable. I feel like spending all my free time in just watching P and indulging myself.

I am looking for some motivation and also to share my thoughts. It is amazing to see all the efforts being put in by people in this forum.

[Mefree]

Hey Guo,

You've come to the right place.
Congrats on admitting your addiction. That was the easy part (sadly).

First off, you gotta get rid of your stash. Be honest with yourself. If you're really afraid to relapse, how does having a computer loaded with P help? Wipe your computer and if you have tapes or mags trash those as well, then focus on preventing a relapse.

I would also suggest putting on an internet filter as a safety net. There has to be someone you trust enough to give control of the password (even a family member could do).
You can also make a list of reasons why you want to be P-free and refer to that when an urge hits. (Credit goes to Daniel on that one. It helped me a lot).
Mostly just have a plan. Know when you're vulnerable and what your triggers are, and if you have an urge, use an escape method to clear your head.

That's all the advice I can offer right now. You'll find plenty of wisdom with the other members here. They've saved my life.
Best of luck to you and a warm welcome to TTF!

[Daniel]

guo,

Welcome to TTF!

Mefree has given you some good advice already.

Here are some other ideas for you to consider. I offer these ideas as I see you are asking yourself IF you should give up P/MB or keep it in your life. And that is really and truly a fair question and one that you have to face with absolute brutal honesty.

One problem a PA can fall into, and it's a big one, is saying they want to be free but in truth they don't want to be free enough to ACTUALLY be free.

It is akin to saying you don't want to get muddy but you frequently walk through and around muddy places. One day you're in the mud, but perhaps you "didn't intend to be in the mud".

Idea #1:
- list the positives of P use in one column of a sheet of paper ("I feel good for 3.2 minutes"; "I feel good while surfing for it"; "I like to look at it, it is pleasurable", etc., etc.)
- next to that column list the negatives that P use causes in your life ("I feel crushing guilt"; "I would be embarrassed if my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, pastor, priest, friend knew"; "Someone might find my stash and what then!?"; "This thing has control over me"; "When I use I can't think of anything else for a week"; "I am intensely alone"; "I can't make/keep friends by being a P-binge-ing recluse"; "I am not very efficient at my work due to my distraction with thoughts about P"; "What about the people in the movies and pictures?"; "That is someone's sister/brother/daughter/son!"; "I have wasted time beyond measure!"

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

This is really what you want to ask yourself. "Do I want my life back?"

If "Yes!". Then How Bad?

Guo, if you got this far and you're saying YES you indeed want to be free, then you'll have it.

Go Big,

Daniel

[Desert Ghost]

Hello,

The other have giving you some rally good ideas. Let me stress the point that the others have GET RID of your entire collection. Then if you have some close friends that you can trust and are comfortable with knowing your problem ask them if you start to feel you are have trouble. Ask then if you can call on them to talk you through the tough times. The greater your support base the greater you chance to retake your life from the PA and P.

[lightseeker]

Hello Guo, Firstly a warm welcome to you>:D<

Man i know where your coming from, this is one of the biggest problems, being alone. You know its a different situation for all of us and we have to make the best of what we have. Many of the married PA's on here or those in relationships have found that the thought of loosing their loved ones has been motivation enough to strive to break free from this evil.
Although it is far better to be single with this addiction than to drag someone else down with it and destroy them aswell as your ownself, it is also easier to not really try to quit the porn, its like Daniel says you know you have a problem but you havent %100 truely made that commitment within yourself, so you just keep going back to it. I am in this boat now, i have made the realisation that i am an addict and i am trying to quit, but i wonder if it hasent really set with me yet, either that or i am not trying hard enough, i have slipped back into porn binging over the last few weeks and i feel like i just gave up again, but now i am going to start over and try again, God willing. I am almost 30, i am single and i need to sort my life out now, i dont want to get married and put my wife through what the SO's on here have been through!

Anyways what im saying is that i can relate to how hard it is being single, its easy to be lazy as you have no immediate motivation to quit, but think of your future, porn will never ever ever replace that loving bond and intimacy you can only get from a loving partner and relationship.

Guo, dont lie to yourself, start dealing with this now, hampering your porn use is a start, delete all of it. I know it wont stop you looking for more but you have to start fighting otherwise it will consume your life more and more - long for a loving partner, a healthy mind and body and a more fulfilling life!

It will not be easy considering your working alone but there is always a way, do what you can to change your situation, if you decide your addiction to porn is too great, one day you may have to take extreme measures like changing job or something, now dont panic i am not suggesting that but all im saying is that we can change whatever we want if we really want it, and if it is consuming your life so much then drastic measures may need to be taken if all else fails.

For now, you need to re-socialise with people, go out, get hobbies, excercise, get out the house as much as possible, maybe you can work in a public place some of the time or move in with other flat mates?

I had more to say but il leave it there for now.

Take care

[guowohp123]

Hi,

First of all I would like to thank Mefree, Daniel, Desert Ghost and Lightseeker for helping me with some good advise. And..Lightseeker...I can totally relate to your problems. I read your journal and felt as if I was reading something that i might have written.

I have been procrastinating my getting-back-to-normal-life plans for ever. It has now started to affect the most important facet of my life...my job. My manager is a bit flexible in letting me work from home or work at nights. So, I have been trying to (or pretending to) work from home for the past four days. Main reason being lack of motivation to do anything at all. One of the causes for this is watching too much P and MB 4-5 times a day.

I have decided to start today (Mar 18, 2010) with my plan. I am hoping to be P-Free atleast till the 25th of this month.

[yorkie_owner_85]

I have decided to start today (Mar 18, 2010) with my plan. I am hoping to be P-Free atleast till the 25th of this month.

Good Luck!