Starting over

[Newlifeman]

I just realized a few days ago that I have PA and how destructive this is! My SO and I have been married for nine years with 2 children and only now have I finally stopped lying and realized I need help. She caught me once before and I swore I would stop! I did....but not for long and just got better at hiding it. My PA got significantly worse and if not for my SO finding out about all of this again, I fear it could have ended up with me having affairs.

I did not give up easily, spent a week lying to each question, only giving up more information when she already knew the truth, but wanted to hear it from me. It was so hard to stop lying and tell the truth! This nearly destroyed our marriage and even now it is holding by the slightest thread!

I have made the decision however, that my family is more important than PA. We made an appointment with the Chaplain and I admitted my PA. Again,...hard, the old lying habit was there, just below the surface, but somehow I found the strength and courage to admit my problem in front of a complete stranger....but more importantly in front of her!

We are taking this one day at a time right now, with more counseling to come. We joined a bible study at church today and I am making my first post here tonight. I put monitoring software on all the computers which serves 2 purposes. First, it helps keep me honest, and second, serves as a trust builder between the 2 of us.

I want to beat this, but am very apprehensive that as time goes on, the temptation will be back and I will go back to PA again and destroy my marriage for good. Perhaps it is simply not knowing what coping mechanisms I need at this early stage, that fear of the unknown that works against all of us. Either way, it is now 3 days PA free and counting. My SO will be home from work soon and I can not wait to see her. I hope she can heal and learn to trust me again someday.....as that will mean I have overcome this addiction and EARNED that trust back.

Thanks everyone for your posts, they are very helpful in understanding and coping with this addition.

Duane

[dave]

Welcome here - I was in your shoes about 1 1/2 years ago but I was able to stay clean long enough to learn from this page, find a support group and a great counselor.

I hope you can do the same.

Dave

[Mefree]

Duane,
You've already taken the first step- admitting your addiction- and that is many times one of the hardest parts about quitting. I've read many testimonies of SO's married to a PA that doesn't take responsibility for his/her addiction. Congrats on facing your demons. It's never easy.
I'm new to this site too; I've been here for 4 days now and am 4 days clean. I can already tell you're a great person, it's good you realized the cost of addiction.
I hope you understand that relapses do happen. I'm sure there are people who have quit cold-turkey without ever relapsing, but I've yet to meet or read about one. Every day is a battle in a tough war, but remember what you're fighting for and you sure as hell can win.
I wish the best of luck to you and a warm welcome to TTF.

Jason

[Crisodian]

Welcome to TTF. I am an SO of a PA. My H and I are both active here together on TTF as we work together on healing and travel the path of recovery.

Best wishes to you on beginning this journey. You have taken some great steps forward already in accepting responsibility for your actions.

If you haven't already, you might encourage your SO to join here as well so she can also get support. This is a great place for both of you.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

I have made the decision however, that my family is more important than PA. We made an appointment with the Chaplain and I admitted my PA. Again,...hard, the old lying habit was there, just below the surface, but somehow I found the strength and courage to admit my problem in front of a complete stranger....but more importantly in front of her!

Man, those words sound so much like mine. I commend you for facing up to your demons and admitting your PA. I have been in your shoes a short while ago. And I understand how hard it was for you not to lie about your addiction. But you did the right thing! Congratulations on taking your first steps here! Fighting this addiction is going to be freakin tough, but as long as you know what you're fighting for, you can do it!

Crisodian is my wife, and she is right, please have your wife join you here so you can both heal together. Im sure she is having her own tough time, but she can gain support here by talking with other SO's/Wives and learning what they have gone through.

I hope you both take the time to read through the many journals of SO's and PA's and know that you both are not alone on this quest!

Good luck, and welcome to TTF!

[TowardsBetterLife]

You’re on the right track by being on this site. I’m in the same battle as you, and I’m finding strength and wisdom to conquer this beast here.

In case you haven't already seen some of the reading material on this site, you may want to check out the following:

http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum/new-member-welcome-area/114-advice-newbies.html

I found the above very helpful.

Others have conquered this beast (p addiction) - so can you!

[jd0123]

i really think what you did in admitting the problem to a stranger with your wife there too was a great display of overcoming fear. you clearly are sincere in wanting to quit and are willing to go to great lengths. the key is day by day try to keep this up.

i am sure when u think about what God wants for u, u agree He wants u to be clean.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi,

I am New Life Man's wife. I am having a hard time. Supposedly things will get better, but I don't believe it.

[Mefree]

Hey WNLM.
I understand the hopelessnes. Addiction to this stuff is crazy- it's life absorbing and soul crushing. I am a PA like your husband and, like the both of you, am new this site. I can tell you, though, it's worked wonders for me already. The people here are extremely supportive and understanding; some of the stuff on this forum can really open your eyes to the danger of this addiction as well as ways to overcome it. I would reccomend joining the forum for fellow SO's (significant others) with your same problem. It is actually they who are my true inspiration for beating this addiction.
Best of luck to both you and your husband, and a warm welcome to TTF.

[Newlifeman]

Mefree, jd0123, Towardsabetterlife, Crisodian, and Dave,

Thank you for your posts and support, I certainly need it.

More than anything, thank you for the words of support to my wife. I have crushed her in a way that we as a couple may never recover from, I have no words to describe how horrible I feel about that.

My wife has been very busy with long work hours and I am not working which leave many quiet hours alone during the day. I am trying to fill that time with the many things that need to be done around the house, but find myself sitting on the couch severely depressed at what I have done to my wife and family. I just want to curl up and die.

Regardless of the outcome for us, I hope my wife will find the healing she needs. I pray that it will include me.