my story, inlove with PA

[ilieken]

We met online a little over two and a half yrs ago. We hit it off quickly. We talked every day online for about a month. Looking back there were some signs I ignored to a degree. We only communicated online. He would not call me. He said he was going to and just did not. I got suspicious and thought maybe he was married. I brought up my concerns and he would assure me that everything was cool and he finally called. We met and everything was great. I was not ready or comfortable with starting a sexual relationship right away because of past hurts and he was totally fine with that. I’m thinking this guy is so awesome and so understanding. (and he is) What I did not know at the time was that fit into his life style perfectly. For the first year we were living over 3 hours apart so usually we only saw each other about twice a month but talked everyday on line with a few phone calls here and there. Somehow this was enough because I was falling head over heels in love with him. I was so happy and enjoying our relationship. After seeing him for about 7 months I was really ready to start a sexual relationship with him and even sooner but he never pressed the issue. I would try to be sexy and try telling him I was ready but nothing. The biggest thing that was going on is he was not getting hard enough to have sex nor was he sexually aggressive toward me. This was bad for both of us because I felt really bad and so did he. The only thing was his bad feelings were for different reasons than mine. There was always a feeling of what is going on with him? I was constantly wondering what in the hell is the problem. I knew it was something to do with sex but for the life of me could not imagine what it was. Right after we started dating he told me he had his internet at home disconnected because he was trying to save money. We now live about 45 minutes apart from each other and have been for the last 2 years. I was spending the week at his house during Christmas last year and for some reason decided to turn his computer on. Guess what he had internet. I was completely blown away. I felt like who is this person and why is he lying to me? I emailed him and we had a big fight. He told me he was scared that my son would use his computer and he had looked at some porn sites and just did’nt want to get caught. OK… I kind of bought it but still felt very hurt and unsure about his story. Porn addiction never crossed my mind. I had not ever dealt with something like that. Time goes on and it comes to a point where he tells about his problem. He had never told anyone and I instantly felt compassion for him. Finally things were starting to make sense. Things got a lot better. We got a lot closer. I have tried to be supportive in whatever way I can. I have learned a lot about him and about myself through this. I know I love him very, very much. We have a great relationship and are good friends. He has slipped up a few times since things came all the way out. WE still have not had sex. I can see huge changes in him and in our relationship, positive things. He is worth it to me. He still does not get hard enough for us to have intercourse. He has not had internet service for about 7 months and his slip ups that I know about were porn movies on tv. I was very upset ofcourse but decided that progress was important and he is not perfect. Is watching porn a option absolutely not. It is like a drug for him. When he did slip his entire self changed and it was apparent what had happened. WE decided to put it behind us and keep moving forward. This requires a tremendous amount of trust on my part especially since we do not live together. I have to also practice that to keep from going crazy. It took him coming clean as he could about the situation. This too takes time because it is such a shameful feeling for the PA.
I believe the most important thing I would say to any one going through this is to be honest about what it is and how it affects you. Lies are hard to understand but the truth is very easy to understand.

[dave42]

Wow, Ilieken! What a powerful story. Sigh...I guess you have been through so, so much! Hang in there. I think your advice at the end--to tell the truth--is what we all need to do. I am sorry about the frustrating sex life. That must be extremely difficult.

I also liked about what you said about progress instead of perfection. That is very helpful to me, since I've been relapsing for the last 8 months quite a bit (although not in the last 30 odd days, I'm happy to say!)

Well, your posting is a great reminder of how this problem is a problem for all of our loved ones. Thanks, and please know that we are cheering you on (and your bf).

[ilieken]

Good for you 30 days. I believe it is important not to give up and do not let a screw up predict tomorrow. Life is a battle and we all have our crosses to bare. How long have you been seriously trying to quit. 8 months?