I you havent read this thread yet, I would encourage you to do so. It is very easy to dwell on all the negatives. When on this journey, you really do need to spend the time and focus foward aswell. Sometimes this journey can really take it out of you. Read through these points, and the reasons why your doing this should become obvious.
Anyone found a new point worthy of this list, just add it, and start with point: 22)
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
Well, today is day 1 of being clean after a binge and I can tell you that I haven't experienced the positive benefits (which I am looking forward too). However, in my binge I have experienced the following:
- a diet consisting of pizza, donuts, soda, and fast food in general.
- my house is filthy. It looks like I haven't cleaned in weeks (oh yeah, I haven't)
- totally bummed out
- afraid to see my gf today for fear that she might ask me "how are you doing"
I am very grateful for this post though. Reading through it has given my encouragement to keep clean. I want to trade these negatives for that 20+ list of positives.
Holy moly!
I just had to say that my place is a disaster, but I have been eating better ...
I can also identify the fear. Since I do not have a girlfriend that breathes and is 3-dimensional in almost 7 years, I have not had that specific fear!
But I do find the paranoia is like the one from weed, only milder.
I hate this stuff.
When I had 7 days, I felt really more confident and I had more pateince and tolerance towards others.
Well, today is day 1 of being clean after a binge and I can tell you that I haven't experienced the positive benefits (which I am looking forward too). However, in my binge I have experienced the following:
- my house is filthy. It looks like I haven't cleaned in weeks (oh yeah, I haven't)
Yeah, I can identify with that one. Maybe cleaning the house might be a good way to take away the "urge" when it arises. I actually cleaned my place dramatically last week (circumstances forced me into it, but I digress), and that alone made me feel better about myself and more confident generally.
The gf fear is another one. Although I don't have a girlfriend at present, in the past I've wondered what I would do if I ever got involved with a girl who didn't approve of my P habits. I actually had a fear that I'd "reject" someone purely for the sake of my P stash. The fear about passing away and suddenly having people finding what was on my computer or in the stash of DVDs I had in my bedroom was also scary.
As people have said, knowing your credit card statements, your phone records, your e-mails, and your hard drive are clean. To avoid those James Bond types, I might just take my computer out back and bring my sledge hammer to it. Then, I could buy a new one, and the piece of mind I would have would exceed the cost of the new computer - as long as I can keep the new hard drive "clean". My addiction is a mystery to all, I am sure, except my wife. Coming clean with her would be the best...knowing I have nothing to hide. Oh, we would still have disagreements, but I promise you, if I give one tenth of the time I gave to porn to my wife, and another tenth to meditating on my Creator and purpose here, I may just reach a new level of consciousness!
Great posts, great positives...
Thank you all...
Day 1, again, this time is the right time, it's for real
We have plenty of tales of woe and sorrow. And it is a necessary component of getting clean.
Lord knows the process can be repetitive and seemingly endless. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll have the challenge to remain free of P for the rest of my life. It's my big temptation and my worst enemy.
I can never rest, even if the thing is beat down to a speck.
But while it is beat down pretty low, and I am feeling 'inspired', I figured to try to bullet out moments in my daily life that are so much lighter, beautiful, peaceful, because of the Freedom from P.
to be able to work WAY MORE efficiently and not constantly be distracted about you know what
to talk to peers and friends and not wonder if they're doing it too, or if they would think I was some kind of nut job if they knew the "real Me"
to talk to my parents and other family members and not feel shame because they do not know my problem
to drive my truck to work and rock out, pray, simply drive without thinking, to remember old funny stories and sometimes laugh myself to tears
to REEE-LLLLLAAXXXXX
to laugh and laugh and laugh, and really have a good hard laugh -pure endorphins
to be unburdened from the crushing guilt
to have so much more time for everything else
to come home to an empty house, walk straight to the stereo and shake the pictures off the walls rocking out to Sonic Youth, Dire Straits, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Rush, and Red Hot Chili Peppers, and never even think about what I used to do...
to fix dinner for my wife and kids before they get home; without rushing through it so I could do what I used to do
to wash the dishes and take my time cleaning up and not have to lie about what I did after they left to deliver a meal
to be at perfect peace with myself, thinking as Dominus has suggested how important it is to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all; I am just as God made me, and if it's good enough for Him then it has to be good enough for me
to walk into a house of worship and not feel hypocritical
no more hiding and scheming
to hold my head up
to feel loved because the one who loves me knows the real me AND SHE STILL LOVES ME
PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY!
That's a good start. Thank you if you made it this far. This is something I have meant to do for a long time. Thank you for listening....
Onward and Victory to All,
Daniel
This wasn't by me, it was by Daniel He said it the best!
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you-Keep holding on, By Avril Lavigne
04-17-2008, 09:55 AM
Peace of mind -
09-27-2008, 07:20 AM
He said it the best!
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