Trying To Move On

[1newday]

Ok, here it goes.... it's taken me about three weeks to get up the nerve to write this. One day about four years ago, after going through a diviorce from a 23 year marriage and two years of being single and going through counceling to make sure I moved on without attachments to the past, I was invited to a friends house for drinks. I think this was set up! I met this guy, we then left for drinks and he and i hit it off I had a great time. We started going out, talking on the phone, he was the first person that I had found that I felt connected with. We had terrific sex, we tons of common interest, HE MADE ME LAUGH! A few months later the same group of friends were over and we were having drinks and him and I got into an argument and that quick we were broke up. After not talking for over a month I realized that I realy did like him and how stupid to break up over an argument. I called him and we started talking and going out, we decided that he would move in with me. We spent days talking, having sex, did I mention how great the sex was, going fishing, even though I did not know how. We set down boundries for never lying, never cheating and how we would pay the bills. He told me the break up really hurt him becuase he loved me. I said how can you fall in love that fast, but it was not long and I was head over heals in love with him, even more than I had ever been with my husband. He started telling me he loved, would come to work take me to lunch, by me cards for no reason I mean my dream come true. We both loved to cook we developed our own recipes, he planted a garden which I had not had since my Dad died, I thought we were together forever. But, right out of nowhere, he started treating me different, he was not all that interested in me sexually, he did not want to see me in lingerie, did not want me to touch him in certain ways or set on his lap. I was so hurt, I thought if was becuase I had gained a few pounds from all of the cooking we were doing so I confronted him. We ended up in an argument and I said "I feel Like you are treating me like your Mother" you have me up on a pedistal that I am sure to fall off of. He then said he was not all that experienced sexually and he did not know what to do with me. Because I came from a childhood and a marriage where sex was openly discussed and my husband and did not have any barriers when it came to sex, as long as each of us agreed on it, my responce was, we can do anything you want, I dont have sexual hangups. Things got better for a while and mean a short while. His job started going down hill, he was not happy there, he changed is scedule to where he had three days off and none of them were with me, he either did not want to pay his part of the bills or did not have the money or whatever exucse he came up with at the moment. I started to get that sinking feeling or as some of you know as female intutition. I had to go out of town for work for a week, when I returned home I could feel the distance, the arguing continued. I went to the computer one day to clean it, becuase it was so slow and oh my god! When I went to the history well if you are here on this sight you know what I saw and he was even on a sex singles sex dating sight. I went crazy, can I tell you crazy... I through him and everything he owned out of my house. I cant tell you how hurt I was, he did not have the desire or time for sex with me but he could set and M to someone he did not even know was a man or a woman. I felt every negative emotion you could imagine, but hurt and used were at the top of the list. I also found that he was pay perviewing sex movies on TV and never paid the bill. After a week or so we started talking, I loved him and thought it was my responsiblity to help him so I told him we needed professional help, that he broke my trust and I could not get over it without help. We went to one appointment and told me it was a mistake and that it would never happen again, he said he just got caught up in it. I went along even though I knew better, but I still did not relate it too a porn addiction, I thought he was with other women and I still don't know if he was or not. But I do know that he has had four broken relationships, one marriage and three long term girlfriends and a son that he just walked away from. This along with the broken trust did not set well with me. Over the next two and a half years, he changed jobs and nothing between us changed. He was always having what I thought was inappropriate conversations with women he worked with. They would tell me how wonderful he was and I would get mad, he called it jelous and it was not, I was never insecure about any women, untill he broke my trust. We would get in fights and I would literally through him and his things out. We said awful things to each other. We would make agreements on paying the bills and he would stick to it for a month and than right back to me being broke and him with the money, we had sex 5 times in 2009. I tried to expain to him that you can not have any successful relationship when there is no sex and we never do anything together. Then everytime we would go out, I felt guilty if he paid, he never felt guilty if I paid. The cell phone bill would be at leat 60 pages every month, mostly of his text messaging, evertime we would argue he said it was him employees and by the way he would spend all night when we were together dealing with drama with him employees. He never once put us first, We would arrange a day off together and he would go to work and if he did not what would start out too be a good day would end up in a fight. Two months ago we made a deal on how much money he would give me from each check to pay the bills and I would handle paying them. The first month he gave it too me. I paid the bills, went to the grocery store we had a great two weeks, went to wine tasting had sex, normal and good right.... The next month no money it ended up in a big fight and he said hateful things and so did I and I told him to leave. That I got nothing from this realtionship, no sex, I pay the bills, he did not even clean up his own mess, I did the laundry and he would through it in the floor. He said you really want me to leave.... and something in me said "Yes this time I do". He left Mad and hating me. A couple of days later I saw him to get my keys and he was not interested in working anything out with me. I knew he had found someone else. A day or two later I called him and tried to get some things straight. All I wanted was a simple answer. Is this Over, its a yes or no questions. we talked for awhile and he said I'll call you back, next day no call. I called him to see what he was planning to do about his things. We talked for awhile and he said I will call you after your therapy appointment. Never called. I called worked and asked one of his employees if they had number that I could get in touch with him, they gave me three different cell numbers, after he had just told me earlier that he did not have any other cell phones, except the one that was on my account. I got so mad, I loaded all of his cloths in my car and dropped them in the parking lot at his job. I sent him a text on one of his cell phones that said"You wanted to hurt me, you did, You wanted to lie, you did, you wanted, you wanted me out of your life, I am, you got everything you wanted now leave me alone. Totaly destroyed I drove home and the next morning got up and decided to get the rest of his stuff "out of sight out of mind" I was getting some Playstation games together by the way there were at least $300 in new games that I was not aware of and I opend one and a porn film fell out. I was so mad I sent him a text I dont remember what I said but he repied he had kept it from before for us to watch together, before was at least two years ago, can I tell you that he never got around to watching it with me. It was your run of the mill porn film that I have seen a million times in my life with my exhusband it was normal for us. After that my day was destroyed I felt terrible and just got through the day. The next morning I was getting ready to leave for work after having a calm morning, I went in the drawer by his side of the bed to look for a key and I found an open used tube of "Male Enhancement Cream" I got so sick I started throwing up. I sent him another text and it was not nice. He responded I know you wont believe it, but I never used it, I bought it for us..... Right. A few days later he sent me a text message wanting his fishing poles, not hope your ok, kiss my ass just another demand.... I told him I threw them in the dump. He continued to text me about having fun with his things. I blocked his number and I have not herd from him in over a week. Just so you know I will give him back his fishing things and I wrote him a letter, Until today I could not look at them or even touch them without getting sick, and Im not doing so good today! I am going to therapy, however, I can not find anyone in my area who specializes in this and I feel more devistated than I did after my divorce. I feel lonley, used, I am having panic attacks and cant even get through one day without crying. I have no self-esteem or energy left, although, in my head I know know I look great for my age (47), no stretch marks, no cellulite and a pretty cute body, I cant even look in the mirror, I feel so ugly, I have no desire to meet anyone or even go out with friends. I am afraid to look for anything in my own house, becuase I am afraid of what I will find that will destroy my day!. But just so you know I still love him, I think the guy I met in the begining was probably my soul mate in life, I did not even know the one that left here. I hope this long post will help someone or that someone can help me.

[little_wife]

Thank you, 1newday for having the courage to write.

You actually are doing what you need to do, it's just going to hurt and take time. You need to start working on healing yourself. Signing up for therapy and joining this site are two beginning steps. I started therapy last month, and have had several sessions, and it's helped soooo tremendously. Just having someone to discuss the problem with without having to bore my friends is very comforting. Plus my therapist is giving me tools to deal with the anger and obsession. When do you first start going? And be VERY honest with him/her about all the issues youre having with this, the esteme problems, etc.

Also, and I'm sure lots of people will disagree with me, taking a break from him and keeping away from him for a while (and forever if you don't plan on continuing the relationship) will give you a chance to focus on other things besides what he's done "to you." I know when my husband and I first faced this years ago, a separation was the best thing I could have done for MYSELF. It allowed me to finally rest my mind, and when we finally tried for a reconciliation, i was then more able to emotionally cope.

But anyway, keep coming back. Start a journal if you need to, and don't worry what everyone else thinks. Feel free to contact me anytime.

for now, good luck and be gentle with yourself. You ARE beautiful I'm sure, and deserve love.

little_wife

[dave42]

Welcome and good luck, 1newday! I hope that by writing down all of these tough, complicated issues, it will help you to sort your thoughts. You have been through a lot. Hope you come back and share more. We'd like to support you.