New member

[Troubled Heart]

Hi everyone. My name is Paul and I am addicted to porn. This is my first post on TTY and really the first time I have ever talked to anyone, other than my wife (Ashley), about my addiction. I would have never reached out for help if it wouldn't have been for my wife. She didn't ask me to but I feel that if I continue allowing this addiction to run my life, I will either lose her or continue to hurt her and have her be disappointed in me. I never want to lose my wife. She is my life and I would be lost without her. I just don't know how to kick it. When I was young (maybe 3 to 5), I remember my alcohol addicted mother and step father watching porn in front of me and not trying to stop me from watching. I can still remember everything from those movies and how confused I felt at the time. Along with the fact that having sex for them was not a hidden thing. Didn't matter where I was, they did their deed. When I was a little older than that, I remember the neighbor ( an older man) fondling me. I told my mother, but she was to drunk to care. Around 7, I discovered masturbation. Which has been a more dominant part of my life than my real father was. Which I had never met until I was almost 15 and wish I had never known at all.
Just breaking the tip of the iceberg here, I will stop at that. I'm sure there will be plenty of time spent on here later to exhaust all of my emotional traumas. I will leave with saying, thanks to anyone with a spare moment, caring advise and an attentive ear.
I need help and I really hope this is the place I will find it or at least a step up along the way.

[dave42]

Welcome, Josh! We are really glad you joined us. Your story is really tough. I have lots of tough stories here, but yours -- your mom and step-father's behavior -- is perhaps the hardest to hear.

Give yourself a TON of credit for being so upfront about your problem. Also, the fact that you can talk to your wife is a HUGE, HUGE blessing.

As you mention, a lot of the processing of all these difficult experiences from your childhood will come as you get to know us, but what a great start!

Good luck, Josh. Write back soon to tell us how you are doing, and be sure to check out some of the great advice on this site about making a plan, figuring out why you want to get clean.

We are all cheering you on!

[Daniel]

Paul,

Welcome to TTF. As Dave said, it's a tough story but there is a path forward and you can succeed. Of course it will take massive dedication early on to break free of the brute habits we can build up.

You and I have similar stories, alcoholic parent(s), lax attitudes towards sxual things, divorce, etc. Early-childhood sxual experience can be an amplified over-print well into adult life. Disengaged parents (i.e., alcoholics) provide no outlet or relief for unresolved feelings, conflicts go unresolved and fester over time, anger, bitterness, etc., etc., perhaps abuse (verbal, physical), and then there goes Johnny, medicating his pain away with P and/or MB and walling the world out for some respite from the daily toil.

Fast-forward 20 years and things are as they were only the P/MB has turned out to be in the control room running everything.

In other words, I can relate.

Continue to read around in the Journals and various areas of the site where you can pick up valuable information, tools, tips, tricks, to help you succeed in the near-term, middle-term, and get you started on your life as it can be happily lived for the long term.

And start your own Journal so the whole community can get to know you and and your story better.

Good Day Sir,

Daniel

[PaGuy724]

Hi Paul. I am sort of a newbie here and want to welcome u as well . I've back slidden with my addiction to porn and its a hard habit to break if you do not have the dedication to meet it heard on . Best of luck !

[dave42]

I'm like you PaGuy: I've backslidden a ton. Here's to staying on top of our games! Good luck, Troubled Heart! We are thinking good thoughts about you and your road to recovery!

[dave]

Parts of your story remind me of some important ground my counselor and I explored in my early recovery. We never got the chance to choose our homes. And we never chose to become SA. Now we are in caring relationships and we hurt the ones we love and ourselves. We really havn't known any other way to get along in life that reaching out for sx that was harmful. We felt guilty but are trapped in a cycle. We live withing a bubble of denial, but it looks like you have seen a good dose of reality recently - thus this site.

But there is another way. I hope you can stick it out for a clean strech so your mind can begin to heal and see more clearly. I suspect that with the help of this site, a group like SAA and a good counselor you will come to see a new path.

I am in my second year clean and life is so much better.

Hang in there and feel free to ask any questions. I went through quite a withdrawl in a physical and emotional sense but it is so worth it if you can find the honesty to face the truth, abstain from acting out and reach out to those a little further down the road.

Over time you will move from 'quitting' to 'recovering' and your dignity, accountability and trust will return.

I hope you give it a 110% effort. And reach out - there is much help available

[Troubled Heart]

There have been so many kind things said here and I want to thank all for that. I feel like I am more at home here reading these posts, than I have felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, my wife is my life and with her is where my home will always be. Everyone here just seems like the home I never had before. Someone who wont tell me how worthless I am and instead help me to realize that there is love and care in this world besides my wife. My wife is very shy though and this hiders her from being able to express herself the way I know she would love to be able to. She wants to help ma and my 1 million issues but she is shy, young and haven't found the answers to life's questions. Sense i have been coming here, I feel as though I can beat this with the help of my family(u guys). Lots of things have been changing for me of late. Can't say they have all been good but I feel it is better than no change at all. Never tried to make a change before of late. I can't continue to perceive that life will never contain happiness, when now I realize that happiness is not hidden in my past disappointment but instead in my future accomplishments. Thanks again for all the help everyone. It has been my crutch and one day I will walk on my own again. :-bd

[FoolishMind]

Its so nice to read a post of someone being so down at one moment, and then feeling a rejuvinating power from TTF. Your post put a real smile on my face, and Im so glad your feeling more positive and looking ahead now. Good for you dude.

I hope that things go from strength to strength for both you and your wife.

All the best & Thanks for sharing.
FM