Hello...New member...here's my story.

[Azzdak]

Hello lovely people. Let me first say that I nearly wept with joy upon finding this site yesterday. I've been struggling with a P addiction for years and have been shocked at the lack of help on the internet - especially non-faith based help. So thank you for setting this up. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone so I plan to use this resource as much as possible.

My story - (which all of a sudden doesn't seem so unique!)

I Got into Internet P right when the internet was becoming a household thing, around 12 years ago. Jut at that time that I was developing and getting into girls in a serious way. It was always something secret that I enjoyed and never gave much thought to.

Fast forward 12 years and this 'secret life' is weighing down too heavily on my body and soul. It has been an almost daily habit since then. When i think of all the time wasted and the guilt I've felt over this for the past 12 years I feel sad.

It took a few years for me to realise it was a serious problem, which as we know is a step towards recovery but not recovery itself. For the past 3 years I've been acutely aware of exactly the effect it is having on me and my perceptions. Even though this shift in perception has changed my attitude towards it I still pursue it, which piles on the shame and confusion even more. Even though this is something that does exactly NOTHING for me anymore and is causing me physical harm I continue to do it. I've analysed it from every angle, tried to come up with a reasons and answers but all it has resulted in is more P.

For the past year or so it has been my daily routine to get up and look at P first thing in the morning. Guilt, Sadness and horrible feelings are not the way to start the day. Sometimes though it is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. It's caused me physical harm (my lower insides are all messed up because of the way I M) and mental harm as well.

I'm over it. This addiction is ruining my life. I want to live and feel and be free and close and not feel so goddamn guilty. I want to feel aroused properly! I want to feel healthy and me able to M without the need for P.
I've moved passed the "I am a victim" stage so It's time to get rid of this once and for all. I want to be a father at some stage in my life and I do not want this ugliness anywhere near my future children.

I'm going to try and keep a journal of my progress and will encourage others as well. It's hard to explain this addiction to people without feeling shame and guilt so it's good to have companions.

So yeah....Hi!

[Newman]

Good decision. I encourage you to put a recovery plan together. Without one I think long term success is unlikely. Note all the good resources on this site and others sites like it. I know of one other very good site that is linked on the resources page. If you'll send me a pm I'll tell you which site it is. I'd tell you in this post but the moderators don't like me to put links to other sites in posts on this site. Good luck and let us know how things go.

[oneNOWataTIME]

Hey Azzdak,

You've woken up to something here. You see that even though you "know better" you still do it. That can be really frustrating because you feel divided, dishonest, and that you're not being YOU.

This is a perfect opportunity to see what's really happening. We continue to do things for a reason, whether we want to admit it or not, and many times these reasons are unconscious... we're not even aware they exist. Maybe there are some unexamined beliefs there that could be brought to light. Much of our acting out might also be a conditioned response to pain - we want to avoid pain and suffering at all costs. Actually, p & m can end up adding to whatever pain and suffering we might be trying to escape from.

It's extremely valuable to find out what you are, really. Our bodies are constantly changing. New thoughts come into our heads from who knows where every second. What is it that sees all this happen? Sure, we have conditioning from years of doing the same things, but if we understand that we are NOT our conditioning, ah... that's something. Otherwise, every time an idea pops into our head we act on it 'cause we identify with it: we believe it.

We're in this together in many ways, because we've all had similar experiences. At the same time we each have to face up to whatever is going on within us individually.

Peace. :)>-

[Azzdak]

Amen dude, and thanks for your reply. I sound like a broken record but I'm stunned by the support here. It's awesome.

We continue to do things for a reason, whether we want to admit it or not, and many times these reasons are unconscious... we're not even aware they exist. Maybe there are some unexamined beliefs there that could be brought to light.

I've struggled with this idea for so many years through my pot use and to a lesser degree, my PA and it gets you nowhere. Trying to fossick through the past to find some nugget that will put everything into context is, IMHO, such a fruitless task. You just end up looking up your own ass while the rest of the world lives. Therapy does help, but in the end you just have to live.
(nb: I haven't mastered this yet)

Fighting against these demons from the past just enlarges them - you end up defined by what you hate and your demons end up owning you. Your brain is the most incredbile computer in the universe - period. It knows way more than you do. In my experiences things tend to work themselves out if you let them - life gives you circumstances and challenges that help untanlge past-knots. Continuing a PA to find out what the cause of the PA is isn't going to get you anywhere. Best to move away from the source and let life give you the answers. Which is what we're all doing. Easier said than done hey? :D

It's extremely valuable to find out what you are, really.

And that is the eternal journey isn't it? As Grant Morrison says in The Invisibles - "The Initiation never ends" You think you know who you are until your eyes open and you see you have these layers of shit bogging you down. This shit that you know isn't you. So you start to wonder what is under there. Some are scared to go there, some don't even give this a thought. Me? I have an inklng of who that person is and I'm letting him out piece by piece. It's taking a long time - but I'll get there. The most exciting thing will be when I find out who I am without a PA. When I actually feel things again free of the weight of guilt.

It's going to happen. It has to. It will.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

[pipster22]

Being here is a first great step to recovery. I know P can take a very unexpected toll on you not only physically but mentally as well. It's a very hard addiction to beat, especially when it has been such a large part of your life for such a long time. but this website is a great first step to take.

were you at the point where you would just do it every day at a certain time just do it? or were there certain things in your life that would trigger when you needed to it?

[Azzdak]

Pip - Recently it's been a habit that has been in the mornings - first thing. At the start - when we first got the internet - it was always at night after everyone had gone to bed. The routine of my PA has gone up and down over the years to the point where I don't know what my constant triggers are. I'm happy - I celebrate with P. I'm down - I escape through P. I'm bored - Look at P. It's just become 'something I do'