I'm the new girl.

[Chey143]

Hello everyone. I'm here to seek advise and insight to recovering from the recent discovery of my husband's porn use. I don't like to overuse words like "devastated" as some may for when they forget their shopping list, or something else just as minor. Based on my past which includes a divorce from my first husband due to his internet porn addiction which escalated into chatting and meeting others, I can use the word with full meaning. He of course knows everything about my first marriage and still chose this behavior.

Ignorance was indeed bliss until one week and one day ago. My reality has shifted. My husband is very remorseful and has answered the questions I've posed to him. I'm not sure I can believe his answers now as to do so would prove me a fool based on the lying and sneaking that has been going on during our nearly 10 year marriage. He fears I will take our two year old son and leave and I've considered that very thing. But like I told him, I've ran 1000 miles and 10 years and I'm back to where I started.

Thanks for reading here, and throw up a few prayers for a stranger, ok?

chey

[futurehope]

Hi Chey,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sucks to discover that your trust has been betrayed. I'm not exactly in the same situation (as your husband), as my partner and I have both used P in the past, and we both agree it is unhealthy and are doing our best to eliminate it from our lives. So we don't really believe P is a black and white issue, but that it is best avoided. But I guess in your case it has gone beyond that to lying about it and.... maybe developing actual relationships with other women online?

It makes sense that it is fear that prevents him from being honest to you (I was in this sort of situation in a past relationship). So I guess if he really is telling you what is going on now, the secrecy is broken and that is a big step towards opening up communication and sorting out the problem.

Sorry if this isn't that helpful....I just wanted to know there are people listening and empathising. I hope you can continue working things through with your husband and that he will be able to make some positive decisions.... so he can live his life in a more faithful and honest way in future....

Best wishes,

FH.

[Chey143]

Thanks FH. It does help to know someone is listening. No evidence of a relationship of any sort. I've investigated, but didn't come up with that. That ended my first marriage though, so I'm hypersensitive to the situation to say the least.

We're still talking and I'm still struggling with self worth and esteem issues. Lots of crying and anger in equal measure.

[Charly22]

From someone who is struggling with the same issues, for quite some time now, I want to reassure you that he would be doing these kinds of things no matter how sexy, pretty, or what have you, that you are. This has nothing to do with you. Well, it does because of how it makes you feel, but, guess what I am trying to say is that he did not do these things because you are lacking, I guarantee you that. I think if you were to ask all the addicts on this forum, they would agree. It pains them that they make their significant other feel this way. I just wanted to say, that this would've happened whether you were in the picture or not. Research this statement, find it to be true, and you will be stronger, and able to be there for him, as long as he is willing and able to talk openly with you. Good luck. I pray that God leads the both of you to where you need to be.

[Chey143]

That is what he says, and I have read the same thing while researching the issue.

Somehow, even with that knowledge, my brain can't get past the fact that he was screwing her in his head and masturbating with me just a few steps away. What's worse is he knows my feeling and history about this and did this anyway with every chance he'd get caught.

Obviously there is something wrong with me in some way or he's just tired of me. I think that has to be the truth because nothing else feels right. I can never be those women - and that is what he clearly thinks he needs or wants.
There just is no other explanation.

[Charly22]

You have every right to be angry about what he's been doing. But, his porn habits are not related to something being wrong with you. If that was true, then why is he with you at all. It is an individual thing, his only. "Those women" are not real. It is all a lie that he will have to realize one day. Not to say that makes it any easier for you to accept. It is an awful thing to deal with. I am sorry you are forced to deal with this, once again.

[Chey143]

I think time will probably help with the pain and anger issues I'm having. Perhaps I'll be able to see the logic in the words that say it isn't about me. I only know that this is a deal breaker in my life.
It has to stop because I won't change what I believe in and I can't change how it makes me feel.

If "all men" do it, then I don't really need a man.

[jerseygirl]

Chey143 ...

The explanation is simply that he has an addiction. His brain has been 'rewired' so to speak and this has become his way of getting a good feeling.

I hope I don't sound too jaded but society at large has made objectifying women acceptable. At times I find myself really pitying the men (and women) that allow themselves to become victims to porn. It's exactly what the industry wants.

I can never be those women - and that is what he clearly thinks he needs or wants.
There just is no other explanation.

I'm sorry that you feel betrayed by your husband ... I've been in your shoes. I think that you need to be hypersensitive to the fact that you've been there before in your first marriage. Try not to let all those old wounds resurface and blame your husband.

The more understanding and supportive you can be for your husband at this point will hopefully allow him to open up. Charly22 has hit it spot on ... porn addiction is not about us, the wives & gfs ... it's an addiction. It's not yours though ... do not allow yourself to wallow in self pity and become a victim to it as well.

Porn addiction is just as strong and just as powerful as being addicted to cocaine or heroin. It affects your brain chemistry. It's not as easy as: "Well, just don't do it!" If you are willing to help your husband and it is something he wants to do ... then be prepared for a long road ahead. It won't be easy, there will be highs & lows, slip ups & restarts, erratic emotions (on all fronts) ... but it will be worth it in the end.

~jerseygirl~

[Chey143]

I'm not convinced it is an addiction for him. I could be wrong. He claims not. Promises that there will be no other time and that he doesn't need it like that. A "dabbler" I guess is the correct term here. Like I said though - the truth for me is a fog. I no longer know what are lies or truths.

Yes, I do feel betrayed and I also feel like a lot of these men are getting a "get out of jail free" card here. A quick sorry and claim of addition - and it's all up to the partner to work through the pain while the user gets to blame his bad behavior on bad brain chemistry. All the "slip-ups"?..."Sorry honey, just this darn addiction of mine - can't help it".

Sorry, but it seems to me that with rare exception, it's really about a person's selfishness and unwillingness to live up the vows that they said. I certainly never signed up for this type of "honoring and cherishing".

[Charly22]

Well, he obviously isn't "convinced" of the fact either. Noone wants to admit that they are an addict to something. So...alot of anger and bitterness you have to work through. He should be willing to help you with that. And if he is addicted, he will slip up, you will get even angrier, it will spiral out of control, and then he will need your help.