Realised I'm an addict

[spartan]

Hi,

I've just found this site after finally admitting to myself last night that I have a real problem with porn. Last night I decided I wouldn't go out with friends because I'm a bit broke at the moment and I thought I'd stay in and watch a film. Instead I spent 2.5 hours hunting for porn and ended up going to bed feeling drained, miserable and alone.

If I'm honest I knew that I would never watch a film and porn was always on the agenda.

I have always used porn ever since my teens (now 27 years old) and whilst I have managed to have girlfriends and a good social life it's always been like a weight on my conscience. Like a guilty secret that I've carried around with me. Recently though my porn use has increased dramatically after finding particular image sites which I have been spending hours on hunting for the perfect image. The even weirder thing is most of the images are really not of the sort of women I'm attracted to in real life... well who would want to be with a porn star?!!

One of the the worst things I do is use p at night before bed. I tend to end up losing myself in the hunt and before I know it it's 2am and I have to be at work in 6 hours. Then I lie to cover up looking so tired and tell my colleagues that I was out 'with the boys' enjoying myself in a normal healthy way. That makes me feel so ashamed of myself... inventing a social life to cover up mb'ing for hours.

This stupid, pointless, rubbish stuff is taking over my life. (I know I can't swear on here but I really want to scream and swear cos I'm so angry and frustrated!) I no longer do as much sport either cos I'm tired from the previous nights session or because my flatmates are out and I want to stay in for long session. My privates are actually sore at the moment from over use but yet I keep on doing it. I have bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, I find I sleep poorly after a long porn session. I've turned my back on female friends because I feel they are not hot enough, what is that all about? They are friends! What kind of awful friend am I that I judge on looks. I'm sure I never used to.

This is turning into a long rant so I'll wrap it up now. I'm going to try really really hard with all my strength to overcome my addiction starting today.

Wish me luck! :)

[jerseygirl]

spartan ...

Welcome to TTF. Sounds cliché, but realizing you have a problem and doing something about it is a huge step in starting to recover. I am an SO of a porn addict and it is always encouraging to see others that are looking for a way out.

Personally, I advocate educating yourself on exactly what porn addiction is and how it has altered your brain chemistry. Starting a journal here can also be helpful as there are many others that can share their advice, support or just be there to listen.

Best of luck on your journey!

~jerseygirl~

[spartan]

Thnks for the support jerseygirl. I've taken your advice and started a journal on here which I hope will help me to remain focused.

I'm also going to fill out that mission planner sheet to help to me see what needs doing.

So far though it's day three and going ok!

[Newman]

Spartan,
You've made a good decision to get P out of your life. Your description of how P makes us feel is so true. You will know from reading other posts that you need to put a recovery plan in place that is tailored to your specific circumstances. Its really more or less a matter of examining what's going on and what steps you will take to deal with the urge to view P. If you want a more detailed description of what a recovery plan looks like, let me know and I'll be happy to help. Stay with this. I think you'll find that once you get a plan together and start working it, you will begin feeling better and better about yourself. Good luck

[prena]

I have spent many nights up till2 or 3 am my body and mind are stuck on finding the ultimate porn channel. I am not able to stop and i feel like hell the next day. but I am just like you keep on and on and on and on and on and on well untill I am so drained that I feel like sleeping for three days. This problem is controlling very controlling and I dont feel like I have the power to stop. This is a controlling substance that just keeps reestablishing itsself like some kind of undestroyable ALIEN!!!!!!

[Newman]

Porn makes fools of us all. Promising the ultimate thrill (the ultimate porn channel/site/picture/video/whatever). What it delivers, however, is lower self esteem, lower self confidence, social isolation leading to thwarted development, emotional dullness and immaturity. Which is quite a lot but its all bad. Prena, it sounds as if you need to take some action. Wanting to stop, by itself, is not enough. You have to do something and it may be unpleasant. You may be at a point where none of your options are too good. However, the worst thing you can do is keep doing what you've been doing. Get a recovery plan together and start improving our life. Let us know how it goes.

[Broken Rick]

Ive felt the pain of addiction. And it is hard. For me it was porn and cybersex. And I lost someone very special to me because of it. Its a long hard road to recovery but one well worth it. Im heading forward and hope that you will join me. Take care of yourself, and understand we are all hear for you.

[muhdhadi91]

I am addicted to porn too.I feel very bad after watching it.

[Newman]

I am addicted to porn too.I feel very bad after watching it.

Well, I'm not trying to be curt, but just feeling bad after porning won't make you stop. At least, it didn't make me stop. You have to do something. You have to get a recovery plan in place and start working on it. It takes persistence. And, if you mess up, you have to analyze what happened, modify your plan, and get back to working it. You may have to get counseling and/or get help from an organization of people who are in recovery. But, you have to do something. If you don't, the addiction is likely to get worse and worse. Not quickly enough to frighten you or make you quit, but slowly enough to keep you on the hook for years and years and years (like me). Then, after decades of using porn and engaging in increasingly dangerous behaviors you'll realize that you've put everything you ever accomplished at risk and have missed a significant amount of enjoyment in life because, for some reason, you chose to sit alone and isolated in front of a computer while everyone else was out living life. DO SOMETHING! (excuse me for shouting) Good luck.

[dave42]

I like your advice, Newman: DO SOMETHING! It's exactly what we are need to do. thanks!