Hello

[Seeking Calm]

Just wanted to say hello. I'm typing on the keyboard but I feel I may not be making much sense. Haven't had much sleep in the last 6 days so if I start to ramble please forgive me. I thought I should finally post today because I've actually been looking at this site for a little while now.

I don't know where to start...but here goes. I've been married to a PA for 17 years. I did convince him to join TTF and he has posted in the journal area once. He attended his first SA meeting a few nights ago and we are going to see a therapist. I really want to believe he wants to get professional help this time and kick this addiction for good, but to be honest I'm just not convinced. I want to support him but I feel that at this point there may be too much damage to be repaired.

I love my husband immensely. He is kind, compassionate, intelligent, strong, and the best damn father in the world. But he is also quiet, a loner and has a very hard time showing and telling his feelings, which is where and why the P thrives in him.

There is a lot of history but the condensed version is it started when he was about 15 with mags and videos and just continued. I feel I have a double edge sword because his degree is computer engineering, heck he works for a major brand name company. So obviously he has access to the internet. He eats, sleeps, and breathes computers and technology. And I don't, and he plays on that....to it's fullest. He has now moved on to all this wonderful media/streaming stuff for TV/PC that he took great strides in hiding this past year. This time he denied it and lied to me so much over the last 5 months that I don't think I can ever trust him again.

I want to post my story and details in the journal area. I don't know honestly if I'm staying this time though. I know my staying with him each time he messes up just enables him. I just feel like a big stupid fool. I tolerated him turning it around on me which also enabled him. Can you say CO-dependent?? I wanted to trust him and not be a nagging babysitter to a 43 old man. The last time I found it I gave him an ultimatum that I was leaving, well that didn't work. It probably just made it worse and made him hide it more.

I am grateful to have found this website. I feels good just to let it out. Just reading some of the posts and journals lets me know I'm not alone. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I'll stop rambling now.

[jerseygirl]

Seeking Calm,

Hello ... ironically, I just made my first post as well earlier today. I had been lurking for some time ... but bit the bullet.

At first I wasn't sure if I should have made a journal ... but as an SO of a porn addict ... it's just as important for us to get some of our thoughts and feelings out.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this hard time at the moment. I'm sure you've experienced the gamut of emotions ... 17yrs is a long time.

My husband is a whiz at the computer/technology as well ... but luckily, I am as well! After admitting that he wanted to face his addiction ... he had me password our cable box (TV-MA movies) & Wii console (has internet capabilities).

I look forward to reading your journal. Even though I've shared all my thoughts with my husband, I found it to be very cathartic.

~jerseygirl~

[Dosta_je]

I want to support him but I feel that at this point there may be too much damage to be repaired.

Well, given my age, I don't know how much of an advice I can give, but I can sure say one thing - it's never too late if there's enough will and strenght. I've been writing and thinking much about my situation and my father's as well, since we're, unfortunately, both addicts. Our relationship is somewhat complicated, but I'm willing to fight for him as well - when I achieve some improvement myself. Beacuse, at this point, if I fight at two fronts at the same time, I could sink deeper, and, well, that's not what we want, isn't it? :) My father is pretty much the same type as your husband, it seems, he's among the first generation of programmers in our country and is (well, was) quite a pro... and he is a good, caring man, but he'd strayed a lot. And I've found out that, although his addictive behaviour (drinking and P) is recurring and often seems helpless (just to illustrate - I've found a lot of P-material 25+ yrs old, older than me, that is), there is an improvement over the past week or two. Small, but still improvement. And that's a starting point. He's beginning to realise some things.

So, what can I say, I have some insight to what you're experiencing at home, and, well... just don't give up! >:D<

[Seeking Calm]

Thanks Jerseygirl and Dosta for the support and encouraging words. I'm packing now and we're heading to the airport tonight. Funny, I took "vacation days" this week for the holiday and it certainly doesn't feel like a vacation. But I do feel much better this morning and even though being with his family the next few days may be a little stressful, I'm still glad I'm not doing the whole turkey thing here and I'm ready to have a change of scenery.

We did install K9 and dropped the one premium channel we had, put codes on a few other regular channels. This still leaves a lot of channels, just don't get that whole channel surfing thing with guys. We don't have Wii...hard to believe that with a 10 yr old and 6 yr old, right? He uninstalled Sage and a few others. We're working on taking out triggers. Most of this stuff he did the last year or so. He was clean for a few years before that. He has long periods where he won't use P. He's a little bummed he's missing his SA meeting tomorrow night since we're going out of town, but is bringing his journal notebook. So that gives me hope he really wants to recover.

I hope everyone has a great holiday...take care

[jerseygirl]

Seeking Calm ...

I really hope you have a relaxing holiday away! Maybe there will be a small comfort knowing you will be busy around other people, no computers, and lots of distraction.

Looking forward to chatting when you return ... be safe!

~jerseygirl~

[Seeking Calm]

Thanks Jerseygirl for the support and kind words. I hope you had a nice holiday too. Ours was actually better than I expected. He didn't talk that much to his mom over the holiday. His whole family is quiet and reserved just like him. I swear the silence around their house drives me crazy sometimes.

We did go to a therapist together last week. She wants to see us separately for a few sessions and then do couple sessions. I go this afternoon for my first one-on-one with her. I'm nervous, but also ready to get a lot of stuff out. I did finally talk about it with a close friend last week and she was very understanding and supportive. I totally trust her not telling everyone in our circle of friends and she told me she didn't judge my husband about it. It's getting easier. I'm still angry and upset, just better about dealing with it I suppose.

Hope everyone has a good day....

[rugbysteve]

Hi Seeking_Calm,
I just wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement in my journal. I also went to my first counseling session today and I was very nervous. Afterwards, though, I felt very encouraged. I hope you felt the same way.

I'm glad you have someone to talk to. At first I was afraid that my gf had no one to talk to. She told me that she is too embarrassed to talk to any of her friends, but yesterday she told me she had confided in one of her friends.

Have a Happy Holiday Season.
-steve