Advice for Newbies...

[Light]

I would like to start a thread where we can point new people to when they first get here. Please add to it if you can think of anything!

[Light]

These are reposted snippets from other posts I've made on the boards.


Q 1: You don't understand, my sex drive is much higher than the average person.

Answer: "Most men with porn addiction claim they are more sexual than the average person thereby rationalizing their need to rely upon porn. In most
cases their sexual batteries are charged up because of their behavior, focusing on the sex act for many hours a day, and not their genetics."

While I agree that people can be more or less "sexually charged" than an average person, I think that those habits are largely the result of your behaviour.

Since I have been there and taken a walk in your shoes, I can say that as long as you are using porn and feeding the monster (or habit) it will continue to feel like it has control over you.

I think it is possible for you (and all of us) to get to a place of more "normal" sexuality. If we removed porn from our lives entirely for a couple of years, I'm confident that the desire to MB would drastically decrease.

There is a saying that goes something like "what you think about expands" which is related to another quote "you can judge a tree by it's fruits."

I think our situation is no different. If you feed your addiction every day, take care of it, nurture it, and spend time (sometimes hours a day), you can bet it's going to take up a good root in your head, and after a while, you're going to think it was always there, a part of you. In reality, it isn't you at all, you've just been feeding and taking care of it till it can overcome you whenever it wants.

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Q 2: I've decided I want to quit MB and stop looking at Porn. Where do I start?

A: As for what I can recommend, I would say for starters:

-Get rid of all the porn. This means anything you have used in the past to get aroused, vhs, dvd, magazines, etc.

-Get rid of the "soft porn" as well. While it's not as bad, it can trigger you to look for porn and encourage negative habits. That means magazines like Maxim, FHM, etc. Anything like that needs to go. If you are honest with yourself, you know what this list entails for you.

-Make a list of what triggers you and when. Work out a plan for dealing with these triggers, how you can avoid them, and deal with the ones you can't avoid.

-Turn off the computer as much as you can.

-Move the computer to a busy area in your living space.

-Don't use your computer when you are alone.

-Become a more spiritual person (this doesn't mean religion if that offends you). Meditate, get control of your mind.

-Be disciplined in other areas of your life and it will spill over to this area as well.

-Funnel all your extra energy into your partner or significant other if you have one, and relationships.

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Q 3: I've tried quitting porn and MB before, but a funny thing happened - I got irritable and snappy toward my wife/surroundings. I then relapsed back into viewing/masturbating, because I didn't think becoming a nervous wreck was worth it.

A 3: If you get irritable, I think that is normal reaction to expect. Have you ever been around someone who is trying to quit coffee or cigarettes? Or worse, drugs or alcohol? It's not pretty. You are denying yourself something that you are conditioned to having and your body is reacting to it not being there.

Work out new ways to relieve stress that are healthy and beneficial. The biggest one that's helped me is simple exercise. Start going for a walk every day, or go to a gym, etc. There are lots of thing you could do to get through that tough detox period.

I think that after you have made it a month, you will start to see that what you thought you needed and what you really need are not the same thing.

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Q 4: It's ok if I just look at porn now and then, right? A little a day won't hurt anything?

A 4: Porn is totally the "gateway drug" to even worse and more harmful sexual activity. I have read and known of too many people who have bought into the lie that a bit of daily porn won't hurt anything. It so destructive which is why I am so thrilled to finally find a place where we can talk about this and work towards eliminating it from our lives! (from PressingOn)

I think "a little a day" is an argument by a person who doesn't want to admit it could be (or already is) a problem, but they don't want to give up their drug of choice yet.

If you are ok with destroying your relationships, killing all intimacy if you have a partner, and slowly pushing people away, becoming more and more isolated and alone, then a little a day is ok I guess.

But that person will not be me! Or you I hope.

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Q 5: I don't look at hardcore porn, surely softcore porn now and then couldn't be harmful to me?

A 5: The internet and porn addiction can take you places you never thought you would go when you started looking in the first place. If you have ever read histories of long time porn addicts, many started with soft core forms of porn and gradually migrated to more and more odd and violent forms of porn. This addiction can go from a "habit," or something you wouldn't classify as a "problem" and quickly escalate into something that controls you instead of the other way around.

Porn becomes a problem when it affects your choices, when you go to it for emotional comfort, when you spend increasing amounts of your free time seeking it out, when it begins to change your thought patterns, habits, and actions. Also, when it desensitizes you from things that you would have found repulsive before porn entered your life, and when it so colors your outlook on things that when you see members of the opposite sex, you can only think of them in terms of sexual objects.

[Dominus]

I have noticed from the posts that some of the members seem to be christian, for those and anybody else who cares to consider it the words of the 'Christ' himself keep coming to my mind about this subject when he said 'If your eye makes you stumble, cut it out', maybe it seems a bit drastic, but if we cannot break this habit, could we consider getting rid of the computer as a last resort?

[Light]

Hey Dominus,

I happen to be Christian myself. I found another verse that might help other Christians, I was searching the net and found a couple of translations of this verse:

Mat 5:28 (KJV) But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a
woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in
his heart.

Matthew 5:28 (NIV) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a
woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


Mat 5:28 (CWR) But I'm telling you that if you even look at a
woman and lust after her body, you're already having sex with her in
your mind.

I found this here: http://www.abible.com/devotions/2005/20051104-1009.html

I'm sure there are more, I will keep looking...

[Light]

The triggers are everywhere, especially when you are just getting started...

I remember someone telling me something like "it's human to look once, but when you look twice that's when the problems start."

Since it is impossible for us to go around with our eyes shut, we are bound to see triggers and things that would make us slip up. But the challenge is, when you see those things, to look away and not take that second (or third) look, and to not dwell on the fact that you are "missing" something. The result is much more peace and happiness for you in return.

I have definitely found that practicing this has helped me not only with "real life women" but a lot of things that I can't avoid, like billboards on my drive to work, or magazines in the checkout aisle, etc.

Similarly, I used to have friends who would send me weblinks to girls, or talk a lot about P or check out girls all the time. I have tried to stop spending so much time with those friends, and develop the relationships that are healthy and don't re-inforce my bad habits.

[Dominus]

I just wanted to say as a tip that if you are serious about quitting then its a good idea to avoid like the plague certain magazines like mens health, FHM, or others of a similiar caliber, I was reading mens health recently as an example and it was actually advocating using pornography as a weight loss tool - the idea being if you were looking at porn it supressed your appetite and made you eat slower. this kind of irresponsible journalism only tries to teach readers that porn is normal and healthy, and part of quitting the addiction is to learn to see porn from a different perspective.

[Flamel]

I think that Stanley's and Zibble's advice in this thread is so simple, and so common, but brilliant when you stop to think about it and actually take it on board.

Take each day at a time.

Engage creatively with the fight.

[maxwell_h69]

i just want to say thank you to everybody here, because you all have helped me believe that after i get over my routine/ addiction that my relationship could truly become better and will benefit from it. Thanks everyone!!

[cwest007]

I'm new here and just want to say this is a very enlightening thread, mentally and spiritually. Something I'm trying for myself is to create sort of an alternate, more productive activity to counter the pornographic urges. I step back, collect my thoughts, and absorb myself in scenery, music, a book, exercise, or even just the company of others. I think of P as someone about to punch you in the face. All you have to do is block the punch and counter it. Been P-Free a week (which is an eternity for me) and already I notice a difference in myself. Just tell yourself that the change is worth it.

[shermantpotter]

Light,
Thank you for such a positive and hopeful thread. I just found the site and was struck by the positive message of hope in everything that I've read. I've struggled with porn for the better part of my adult life... at least 20+ years of it. I find it incredably discouraging that I've never been ablt to quit for more that a few days at a time and I'me right back again.

Since I'm not Christian and not particularly religious, I've been unwilling to go to a 12 step program like SA. I'm very hopeful that I can find the support and reinforcement I need here.