Hello from Alex

[Alex]

I've now been P/MB free for 10 days. This has been the longest I've abstained in probably 10 years. I'm 31 now by the way. I pretty much always knew I had a probelem and have made half-hearted attempts at quitting, but always relapsed after a few days. This time around though I think I will be able to quit for good as I had an epiphany of sorts 10 days back where I realized how insidious this P/MB addiction is and how it really has had a giant negative impact on my life. I have never had a serious relationship, my self-image and self-confidence tends to be always low. I came from a very dysfuntional family and had a father who was a hardcore alcoholic, and I always attributed the way I am/was to those ealy circumstances. But I remember being more stoic and driven in my early teens. I realize now that P/MB was a way of escaping.

Two times about 10-12 years, my college years ago I went more than a month without looking at P and MB. The first time was when I travelled throughout Europe for a month, so I really had no time or privacy for it. That was the happiest time of my life. I was more open in sharing my feelings with others and had so much confidence. I thought before that was because of the exhilaration of travel, but I'm now beginning to realize that it was more because I was away from P and MB. Second time was also in college, and during that time again I have was on a high, as I was seeing a girl and having regular sex.

Today, I have real intimacy problems. It seems I can only feel comfortable having sex with a girl when I have alcohol in me. And pretty much the bulk of my sex history has been 1-night stands, which leaves me feeling empty and sad afterwards. For the longest I could remember all I wanted was a nice and pretty girl that I could truely love and be loved in return, but in the past few years that ideal has faded and I've seen how porn has transformed my perception of woman as simply sexual objects. That is not me.

These past 10 days really have not been that hard. I think because I started this initiative with such resolve and determination, and feeling more mad at how my life has affected and wasted with porn, that the first few days were surprsingly not too bad. Reading others experiences here on TTF really helped too. I felt really good about myself for the first 4-5 days, then felt a bit depressed, and the last couple days, about days 8-10, I've gotten sick(slight fever, headache, cold symptoms). I don't know if I'm really sick or if its withdrawal syptoms.

Anyway, after 10 days, my resolve is still strong. I feel I've got this porn goblin inside of me in a headlock. The images and urges are fading and I feel so much hope. It pisses me off that my general temperament of always feeling slightly down and somewhat depressed was because of porn this whole time. How better my life would if not for porn? It's such a life ruiner.

[Michael]

Hi Alex and welcome.
You've made the first step. Now comes the hard part. Staying with it. I would suggest a couple of things. One, start your own journal. Its real helpful in organizing your thoughts and it gives you a place to reflect. You can start one here:

The Recovery Journals

Secondly, read the SO's journals. I'm not sure if you have a significant other or not, but these journals will give you insight from there eyes. It helped me to read these and understand what I was doing to others around me. You can find them here:

SO's Journals

Good luck Alex.

[Abbie]

Welcome Alex!

I am the wife of a PA so I can't really give you any advice on that, but the PAs here are brilliant and you'll be in great hands.

[Daniel]

Alex,

Right On! You're getting clear of the haze P throws into your life -to the point where nothing is clear except your need to consume more and feel worse later.

I had an alcoholic Mother and (big-time) alcoholic Step-Father. They were 'happy drunks' and my Mom has sobered up, but I wonder how the alcohol related to my drive for P for so many years (31 to be approximate) -I'm 40 now.

But you are exactly right: your Euro vacation forced you to break free and Wow, what a difference.

Welcome to TTF. Avail yourself of the many stories and free pieces of advice. I've drawn a huge amount of strength, encouragement, and precious comraderie here.

Daniel

[Sobriety-seeker]

10 days is a great start Alex.. and i guess by now u've hit your 22day mark? Thats 3weeks dude..! Its a great acheivement.. and i'm glad i could be of some inspiration in your fight with P. Just imagine how it would be like being confident and happy just like when you were in europe, i'm at my 40 day mark and i would say i'm more confident then i was 40days ago definitely and it was more or less a weekly event for me to binge on P and Mb. i couldn't go many days w/o it and yet now, like you said the P goblin is on the run...

Don't let your guard down thou cause its always hiding waiting to strike when you're at your weakest. I wouldn't say my esteem is at an all time high cause there will always be scars left behind... but i feel that just a few more weeks going strong will just make me even more stronger...

Right now itself i would say my mind is tired and i'm not feeling 100% and the goblin is dancing infront of me and i'm just too tired to fight it.. so i'm here on this forum, fighting it in a way i guess but i'm just gonna go off and take a nap..

Take care and i hope you're doing alright..

Yours Sincerely,

Sobriety-Seeker.