Taking the first Step

[Zabant2112]

Well, I found this place and I really need to break this habit. That is what it has become, a terrible habit. I have never been very good at breaking habits. I put myself through misery in order to Maintain Them!!! What the heck is that all about!!??? So, this is my first message here. Feeling very guilty and vulnerable and lost right now. I fool myself by staying super busy and not thinking about my PA. I think that is the wrong approach- I am going to work on true consciousness right before I screw up. I need to know that it is not too late if I am already regretting it before I even start looking. The problem is, trying to talk myself out of it causes even more stress and then I am definitely going to do it. Vicious Vicious cycle. So I am here and ready for help.

[habebson]

Hey Zabant,

I just joined this forum today, and was looking for a place to post and saw that nobody`s replied to your post yet, so I thought I`d write here. I know how hard it is, man. I`ve been struggling with a PA for over 3 years now. Every time I look at porn, I feel like crap and swear I`ll never do it again, but then... you know how it goes. Sometimes I last a month, sometimes I only last an hour, but I always end up going back to the porn. And I totally HATE myself whenever I do it.

It ruins my mind and it`s so disrespectful to my girlfriend. She would never even think of doing something that would hurt me, but yet here I am, behind her back looking at porn even after I promised to her that I`d quit. It just makes me feel like crap...
But this time, I`m trying something new! I`m gonna come out and tell people about my problem, and maybe together we can all find a remedy to this addiction that binds our bodies and minds day in and day out. I`m with you, man! Let`s try our best not to stray off the path to recovery this time. You took the first step and now I have too! Together, let`s defeat this once and for all!!

Best of luck,
Habebson

P.S. I don`t know if you`re a Christian or if you read the Bible, but I`ve found these two passages about enduring temptation that I think are just really powerful, so I`ll paste them here.

"Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. " Ephesians 6:10-13

God bless!!

[futurehope]

Hi Zabant...

Congratulations on acknowledging your problem and posting on the site. I'm well familiar with the vicious cycle you talk about. And thanks for the bible quotes, Habebson. I think I know what James means when he talks about the "crown of life". Being really awake and alive, and being free to choose our paths without being blindly driven by habits. When that happens we are truly the kings of our own lives. And, no, it hasn't fully happened for me yet, but I'm working on it.

[habebson]

Originally Posted by futurehope

Being really awake and alive, and being free to choose our paths without being blindly driven by habits. When that happens we are truly the kings of our own lives. And, no, it hasn't fully happened for me yet, but I'm working on it.

Amen, brother! That`s about as true as it gets!
While I doubt anybody will ever truely be free of ALL habits and temptations (at least while on this Earth...), I do believe that with enough determination and trust in God and ourselves, we can at least overcome this one dirty habit and get our lives back! It`s been a couple of days now since I posted here for the first time, and I`ve been feeling really good about my whole overall mindset. I`m sure you all understand how being a PA, it`s hard to look at any woman purely when you`re walking around outside or watching TV, but I feel that after coming out on this forum and truely dedicating myself to recovery, I haven`t had the urges that I felt before. I mean, I still appreciate a beautiful woman when I see her, but no more trying to picture her with less clothing on and what not.
However, it has only been a couple of days, and I`m sure I`ll be tempted again only in a matter of time. But, the point is, coming out and announcing the problem and my determination to overcome the problem has really lifted a GREAT burden off of my shoulders!
Thanks everybody at TTF for making such a great forum for us, and congratulations to everybody who has taken the first step! Together, we CAN become kings of our lifes!! Let`s not give up and keep on fighting!!

God bless,

Habebson

[Jacinda24]

I wanted to ask a question for the P addicts. I frequently read about how P makes you feel guilty,ashamed and you hate yourselves afterward?
I'm trying to understand this, where do these feelings come from and why?
I've asked my boyfriend if he ever feels this way, and I asked him to please be honest-and he denies ever feeling these kinds of feelings.
Do you think you feel these feelings because you now know P is wrong and you have an addiction? And perhaps my boyfriend does not feel he has a P addiction & therefor does not experience these feelings of guilt or shame?
I would appreciate your imput. Thanks!

[EmergingAngel]

First off, BIG WELCOME to Zabant and Habebson! You found the right place! I'mclosing on day number 9 without P,and I am feeling SO great about it! The changes are awesome! You guys are going to have bad days, and you're going to want to go back, but when you do - come here instead! It is a great distraction, and an awesome time killer. I love coming here and chatting with people, and it is giving me so much more insight into the problem I have. Understanding the problem is one of the biggest steps to overcoming it. Through talking and sharing and listening to other people with an open mind and heart about it - you're going to beat this!

Jacinda - I think that's a good question, and to share my view on it. Initially there was a lot of shame that followed me every time I would look at P, especially when I was younger. There is this big stigma and embarrassment that comes with it when you're younger, but as you get older, and as the world foolishly becomes more and more tolerant of it - that sham sort of fades away. It especially fades away after you have been looking at it for so long. I think a lot of it has to do with previous discussions we've shared about the desensitization that accompanies PA after a longer period of time elapses. You really do begin to feel less and less shamed for doing it the longer it persists, and the P industry and marketing business is in an all out war to to make sure they reinforce in our minds that it isn't a bad thing. To really step away from it and disregard the hypnotic and subliminal advertisements we are exposed to every day really takes a lot of effort.

I guess I can sum it up to a degree by mentioning an old fable. If you take a frog and throw it into a pot of hot boiling water - he's going to try to get the H out of there, but if you put him in a pot of lukewarm water, and slowly turn the heat up higher - we will remain until he eventually dies. So are people... we sit in the water while it begins to boil around us, and eventually we cook for it.

[habebson]

Hi guys,
Sorry for the late reply. I was away on vacation with my girl friend this past week and just came back. It was a nice break, and I didn`t feel tempted to look at P once, which was really nice. Now that I`m back home though, I know I have to be careful again. It`s usually when I`m alone that I feel the urges.
But, anyways, to answer Jacinda`s question, I think that Emerging Angel summed it up pretty well: It`s normal to feel ashamed and guilty after looking at P, it`s just that it`s so accepted in our modern day society (or at least made to look like it`s acceptable by the P industry) that many people have become desensitized to the guilt associated with it.
I guess it`s a lot like promiscuous sex or divorce. 50 years ago, both of these were frowned upon, but now days nobody really makes too big of a deal about either (except for Christians). But when you think about it, most people would probably still admit that settling down with one parter and sticking with that person through good or ill till the end of your days is the most ideal situation. When it comes to P, it truely is a form of promiscuous sex (or adultery if you have a partner). However, most people try to avoid the guilt associated with P by making excuses such as, it`s not adultery because I`m not physically with the woman, I`m just looking at her picture. I even had a friend once who justified his P habit by saying that he thought about his girlfriend while he looked at P, so it wasn`t cheating.
No matter how you think about it though, when you look at P, you`re thinking about other woman (or men) sexually; and this is an act of sexual impurity.
My pastor once told me that the modern view about P (that it isn`t cheating cause it`s not physical) is a lot like the thinking of the Pharisees in the New Testament. The Pharisees would make up different rules like, as long as you only do this or that it`s not cheating. But Jesus said to the Pharisees that even just looking at a woman with lust in your eye is adultery. Now, of course, Jesus liked to use extreme examples, but the point he was trying to make was, you can`t keep making up little rules about what is and what isn`t adultery. It`s pretty clear, if you truely love somebody and are devoted to them, then the even the thought of sex with another person is a form of cheating them! You can make up all the little rules and boundaries you want about what`s technically cheating and what`s not, but in the end, if you truely love somebody, you should be devoted to them, and not have any other women/men on you mind. The same applies to people with out a partner as well. If you truely love and respect yourself, you`re going to wait for the right person to come along and not go out having promiscuous sex at parties and what not. P is simply a form of promiscuous sex that`s easily accessable. You might say, oh it`s not as bad as going out to parties and having sex with random people, but it`s the same thing in essence: you`re looking at pictures of random people and mentally having sex with them. If you truely respect yourself and your body, then I think it`s only natural to feel guilty.
Well, I think I went more into a "why P is bad" rant than a "why P makes us feel guilty" rant, but hopefully my answer can give you some insight of why viewing P makes me feel like a peice of crap.
It`s been a week now since I joined this site, and I haven`t slipped once and I feel great about it! Let`s just hope this streak of confidence continues.
Best of luck to all the other PAs out there! I know we can do this!! We just gotta keep posting and talking about our feelings. I think that`s the biggest relief of all for any PA; just to tell somebody about your problem and get these feelings of guilt out! It`s really given me the extra support I need! Thanks all!!

-habebson