Difficulty admitting this to myself -
08-13-2008, 12:39 AM
Hi all,
I can't really believe I'm sat here typing this.
If I'm honest with myself I've had a problem with internet (mainly but paper and TV also) based P and MB for many years. I have lost relationships through being found out also through the way it changed my behaviours.
I'm about to get married in a few weeks time and as unrealistic as I know it sounds I want to have a clean start before the big day. I know this is a dangerous thought and I'm likely setting myself up for a fall.
I have mentioned my problems to my future wife in the past but I don't think she realised how big a problem this is for me.
When I have company all is well but when I am alone temptation comes along and I seem to have no will-power. Yet minutes after I feel sick to the bone.
It just after midnight and I'm going to call today day 0 and hope that by joining this site I can accept my problems and face up to them more really.
As a result of my work seeking professional help feels very very scary - nervous of the consequences for my livelihood if anyone knows of UK options please PM me.
Going to keep this short and go to bed but the journal and 'public' accountability is probably going to be a good starting point for me.
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It is great that you are facing this and looking for change. It sounds like you are doing it for the right reasons for yourself and your future marriage and I wish you the best of luck.
I hope you find the support you need to get through this, and I think by being here you have given yourself a far better chance than trying to quit on your own.
All the best for you wedding and your freedom from P.
RT - I'm right here with you man! Don't view yourself as setting yourself up for failure with your plan, commit to it with us and do it! Today was day number three for me, and I'm doing ok. If you need anything at all - I'll be here for ya, we all will. Consider how great it is going to be to spend the time with your future wife, and how special your relationship can be when she is the only one in your eyes, placed on a pedestal. You'll get through this, you have it in you.
Admitting it is very difficult, I know, but this is the first step in beating it. A general must first accept he is at war before he can begin fighting off the enemy. Good luck and best wishes my friend.
I think wanting to be clean for the wedding is a great idea, especially since you see the downside of it. Sure, you might fail, either today, tomorrow, two days before, two days after, a month after, 4 years after -- we all might fail at any minute. I have found that even after 5 months of being clean, I have extremely weak moments now and then (although these moments come less and less frequently, thank goodness!)
I liked this, "When I have company all is well but when I am alone temptation comes along and I seem to have no will-power." Same here! I'll bet almost everyone reading this would agree. So, I guess a few strategies would be: 1) try to be alone as little as possible 2) come up with routines for dealing with being tempted when you are alone, and 3) come up with really strong "plan B" alternatives when you are about to give into your temptations while alone. For me, if I'm feeling the least, least sense of temptation, I turn the computer off as fast as I can I leave the room. I guess this might not work for you if you have to be online for work or school or something, but come up with something.
Hey, another thing: congratulations! I have given up porn at least 3 dozen times (I'm 43). This is one of the longest stretches I've had of being "clean". Realistically you might very well fail before or after the big day. But we are all cheering you on! Also, the good news is what Emerging Angel says, "A general must first accept he is at war before he can begin fighting off the enemy." You realize that you are "at war" and that's a powerful first step. Your marriage is going to be work. Marriage is work. Don't think it's all easy: it's the hardest work in the world at times. Fighting this addiction is work, too. Huge work. But it will make you happier ultimately and make your marriage a lot stronger, too.
RT- i just want you to know I am in the same boat- 1) I am getting married soon and do not want this monkey on my back, skeleton in the closet, etc. 2) I can't believe I am here either, this is day number 1 for me... I think maybe admitting this is a problem (that I've had for years) is a big wake up call even though down deep I have always known it is a problem. 3) My Fiance is also aware of past P viewing but does not know to what extent I have a problem. 4) Professional help seems very scary. Anyway, I don't really have any advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck and know WE are taking the right steps towards freedom.
Everyone has given you some excellent advice and support. Arrange your battleplan, commit to it, be honest with yourself and the TTF collective "US", and you are well on your way to victory.
One thought as a piece of insurance. I had hinted around with my bride-to-be that I "looked at" soft P. She was greatly alarmed. Thus I didn't open up and tell her the extent of my problem. AND I didn't take recovery seriously and continued to use and hide. Thus when the discovery happened (twice in 8 years), it was really bad.
In hindsight I would have brought her on board at the start. It would have been tough, embarrassing, humbling, scary, etc., etc., but it also would have made the war end sooner as she is my greatest fan and ally to kill my P addiction. Not to mention it was made clear that I could choose between her or IT. Not both. It was a good motivation to stay clean to put it mildly.
Killing the secrecy is very powerful. You've done a big part of that here.
In the late 90s I was in EXACTLY THE SAME BOAT. It's amazing how these experiences are parallel.
dave42, I turned 40 this weekend and you and I sound very similar.
But RT, take your recovery very very seriously as it can turn your marriage into a shipwreck. No scare tactic here. I DIDN'T take my P addiction seriously and boy did I learn a hard lesson or 12, 13 hard lessons... And it cost me dearly.
But you are here, you're being honest, you want to quit, you know when it's hardest to resist, you know deep in your heart what actions you can take to eliminate or limit your temptations to look -do them.
Everything is at stake.
But the really good news is you're well on your way. Continue down the path and don't give up. We're here for you..
If you need some encouragement, and also want to know what happens when the skeleton continues to rattle in that closet through the marriage, just look at mine and bodget's journals. That should be all the encouragement you need!
Good luck, I really wish you the best, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
I hope the best for you, I'm about to lose my fiancee because of PA. When she found out, she was hurt, but I would continue to look hoping she would not catch me again and when she found it this time, it may be too late. You may need to sit down with her and really explain how bad it is, most people who do not have PA do not understand how powerful it is and how much support they will need to give to help you break it. I hope your able to break this and have a wonderful relationship. Please feel free to talk with me any time as we may have a lot in common in our situations.
Although I might not be able to offer you much advice, I'd just like to let you know that I read your post and I really hope you achieve your ambition.
I am the partner of a PA, living in the UK and a newbie here too. Maybe I can offer some thoughts from the other side.
How much does your fiancee know about your PA? From what I've learnt here, being honest with yourself and your partner is the best start to a recovery. I am doing my best to try and help my boyfriend get over his PA, but I have never been so heartbroken as when I 'discovered' what had been going on behind my back for all this time.
You're going to need support to start afresh, that's what everyone here can offer, but your fiancee may well be someone that you need more than ever.
It may be humiliating and cause heartache to start with but I think it may be a good idea. I wish that's how it had happened for my BF.
Difficulty admitting this to myself -
08-13-2008, 12:39 AM
08-13-2008, 05:20 AM
Same Boat -
08-16-2008, 12:48 AM
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