Well I'm a 27 year old attractive female. I'm not sure where to start, but I know my life began the day I met Derek in October of 05. I was never so happy in my entire life, I felt God had brought us together. I remember crying in a restaurant bathroom all by myself while he sat alone at the bar because I realized my life was about to begin and I believed we were made to be together. He was my first real boyfriend & I was his first real girlfriend. We waited about 3 months before we had sex. I didn't want to rush anything, we were both virgins. And he was so shy it seemed. I always made the first move but I could sense that he liked it that way and I was ok with it. But then i began to question him because he would never make a move?
Sex was always awkward, I thought it was because we were both new at it, but I found out too soon/too late otherwise.
I remember the first time I caught him. We were having an argument about how we don't have enough sex(I started it) and he said he was too tired after work, granted he's 21 years old at this time. So I decide to leave.( He lives with his dad and 2 sisters) So I go outside to leave and I decided not to leave because I really didn't want to fight. I came back inside and noticed his bedroom door was shut and i could hear sexual noises coming from the tv. I knocked on the door and I could hear the dvd player door open in an effort for him to hide his porn movie. I demanded he open the door, and after a few minutes he did(after he tried to conceal the evidence) I was so upset because here we are arguing about sex, he thinks I left and he just goes right ahead and breaks out the porn to pleasure himself. This was the first time I began to think "What's wrong with me? Why are'nt I good enough?" I love this man with all that I am and all that I have to give. We then argued a bit, I told him I could'nt be in a relationship with someone who's addicted to porn. He begged me not to leave, that I was the most important thing in the world to him, and he promised he would stop.
Then I caught him again. Then I began to snoop, I found hundreds of magazines, and many videos. I could tell when he purchased them because he was stupid enough to leave the receipts with some of the videos. He kept promising to stop though.
Then sex became non-existent. First maybe once or twice a month, and he could never orgasm(I believe it's because he masturbates too much and can't enjoy the feeling of real sex/love) It made me feel so ashamed that I couldn't/can't make him orgasm. I frequently would cry myself to sleep about it. He usually would just finish himself. I began to notice that I was the one doing all the kissing and touching and he just lays there with his eyes closed enjoying it, yet never reciprocating it back to me. How do you truly love a person and not want to make them happy and feel good? I do believe he truly loves me, but I also believe that he does not know how to love. I believe porn has robbed that from him, he doesn't even know it. He tells me he loves me everyday but it sure doesn't feel like love.
I guess I began to accept it. I thought I love this man and if this is the way I have to live then I don't need physical love/sex, I can do without it. And now I feel so lonely and sad, I miss him so much it hurts...deeply.
I would do anything for this man, anything at all. I long to make him happy, and we've grown farther and farther apart. I talked to him about it,cryed with him about it,emailed him about it , and it's like he pretends it does'nt even exist. Recently I found an email he had sent to an online porn star about how she was the women of his dreams, how she had an amazing voice and body. Oh and he would like to see more smoke rings because women smoking really turns him on, Smoking women and some kind of leg/foot fetish thing.
It's funny in a sense because I remember asking him very early on in the relationship if he had porn or liked it and he denied it all.
After meeting him I felt like the most amazing person in the world and now almost three years later, that person is gone. I no longer feel amazing, but quite ugly and very unattractive.
I even went through the whole thing of buying slutty outfits and shoes and makeup because that's what turns him on, but after much research I've come to understand that it does'nt matter what i do, he can't reach that "high" that comes with viewing porn and pleasuring one'self. I can't be that fantasy, because i'm real. Porn is selfish, and makes the viewer only care about himself and their sexual pleasure, leaving the one they "love" cold and dark in the shadows.
Last edited by Jacinda24; 09-08-2008 at 05:00 AM.
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Jacinda24 For This Useful Post:
Hi Jacinda.. hope you're ok. I can relate to your pain, i used to shake a lot when i at my worst point.. i have also felt useless and ugly and can relate to that. The only reason i'm starting to recover is because he's admitted his problem and let me help him (threw out magazines, put blocks on his internet etc). As far as i know (i'm still not sure if i can trust him over this), he has been P free since May.
I hope you can work things out together. Best wishes, Avegan. x
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be, And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me.
I feel for you! I can very much relate to you too! I guess I will be the first to recommend writing a letter to him. Others have said that is really helpful. Also do you think he would be willing to join this forum? It is very helpful to them to know that they are not alone and that they can fight this.
Just know that you are not alone! My husband has been porn free for 80 days and I still feel so insecure especially when making love. I agree with you that porn seems to rob them of something.
Hi Jacinda, welcome to the forum. Your post was really insightful, and I came to empathize for your situation.
I think one of the best things you can do is simply show him the post you just made. He needs to hear things like "It makes me feel unnatractive, I dont feel good enough". Once he realises that you not just taking a moral highground or judging him, he might start to realise 'oh, so thats why she's upset... she's right, I need to pay more attention to how I make her feel'
Porn is a very embarassing problem to own up to, because users usually do it for years secretly.. they become used to hiding it. You say in your post you will do anything for him, and I guess what I'd like to ask you is, stay there for him. Help him through this... don't be quick to judge him and run away. I think the best approach to take is one of "I care about you.. I want to help you" rather than "I'm angry, your a bastard..." those emotions might be hard to hide, but I dont think they'r every helpful in opening the lines of communication.
Good luck!
When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful.... a miracle. Oh it was beautiful, magical.
I agree with Scooter, show him what you posted here. Because your emotions are all over the place at the moment it can be hard to communicate your feelings to him in an effective way (although I do think that this is easier once you've got all the (to quote Scooter) "you're a bastard" shouting over with.
I am the wife of a porn addict so I can completely relate to what you are going through. It would be really useful if you started a journal (found in the partners section of this forum), you can then use it to get support from other partners of addicts, keep track of your feelings amongst other benefits.
I would also echo the suggestion that you encourage your boyfriend to join this site and get help with his addiction.
Aeris (an internet hug, because you deserve the biggest hug at the moment, but obviously I can't teleport!)
Thanks for the hug Aeris! I find i keep asking myself what is it that makes me stay with this man? A few of my friends and family are aware of the situation and they tell me I'm nuts for staying with him, that i deserve so much better, that they would never put up "with that". But if i think about it really, I remember telling a friend almost those exact same words before i knew that my boyfriend was a porn addict and her husband was. I felt so sorry for her; she thought that if she lost weight and became more spontaneous that he would stop viewing porn and become more interested in her. There still together after ten years of marriage. However, it's very easy to tell that she is not "happy" in her life/marriage. I fear that-becoming like her-her emotions sometimes are out of control and she'll snap at people for no reason. I mean are they really worth it? If the situation were flipped-would they stand by us with an addiction of our own equally as painful?
I have come to realize that for some it seems overwhelming to read some of the So's journals and posts, because there are a lot of us that are working to make the relationships stay together...But I really want to emphasis that there is a fine line for us all...what is right for us may not be right for you. We would never say you should leave, him, or you should stay...unfortunately it's something you have to decide for yourself. I can recommend though that you educate yourself on the topic of PA, which the reference tab of this site has a lot of information...read through a lot of the Rated PA Journals...the ones with stars next to them...they have a lot of information on the perspective of the PA...and the same for the SO journals...this might give you some insight as to how to begin dealing with your personal situation...I dunno if you have started a journal of your own, but I recommend doing so because it helps us to learn more about your situation and gauge our responses accordingly....when it comes down to it...we've all been there...we've seen it all at some point...we've gone through it all...we all have different perspectives on it too...so you have a great wealth of knowledge to draw from with this site.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Jacinda24, I am always saddened to hear of another woman going through this. Many of us are struggling with the same issues and feelings. I know myself I have wished that my Husband had never entered my life, those feelings are going but I will never love him the same as I once did.
I hope you are ok, and gain as much from this site as my husband and I have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacinda24
First maybe once or twice a month, and he could never orgasm(I believe it's because he masturbates too much and can't enjoy the feeling of real sex/love) It made me feel so ashamed that I couldn't/can't make him orgasm. I frequently would cry myself to sleep about it.
This is something I have also struggled with. At the time I didn't know about the P, all I knew was that he wasn't able to finish with me... I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and I would try everything I could and would always fail. Was it how I looked, was I the wrong size, was my technique bad... endless questions...
All those nights I cried and he knew all along why he was unable to finish, yet he allowed me to cry and begin to hate the idea of being intimate with him. Even now that the P has stopped and those issues have also gone, I am having trouble feeling comfortable and confident with him again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacinda24
It's funny in a sense because I remember asking him very early on in the relationship if he had porn or liked it and he denied it all.
My hubby also denied it, he made disparaging remarks about P and that he didn't like it or use it. Sigh... If only he had been honest with me then we could have solved so many problems.
I would recommend reading the journals of the women on this site, as they have shown the journey starting from where you are now and working through this. I do hope you are ok though.
The Following User Says Thank You to Glass_of_water For This Useful Post:
I can identify with you saying you wouldn't stay with a man like that about your friend's husband. That is exactly how I feel and is written in my journal too.
We always feel sorry for those who are in a crap situation which leads us to wonder what we would do if it were us, and we usually assume we would dump someone. However, when it comes to our turn, we can't actually do it.
The times I have sat angry, wondering how I could let someone treat me this way, but I'm still here. Although I haven't actually filed for divorce, I am in limbo with it.
It's one of the biggest dilemmas ever, do I stay with someone who does this to me? Or do I try to get back and keep what we had (as we all had something in the beginning).
A lot of us here feel your pain, so don't feel alone in this. Just knowing there is someone else who understands is a great comfort.
I think you should read some posts as S4Peace suggested, see where others are at in their journey, and don't be afraid to post in the topics either - even if it is somebody's journal, as all posts are helpful to each party.
Right now you will perhaps still be angry, and shaking too. It's no good me saying this will pass as some of us are still like this after a long time. Every story is different, but we're all here for a common goal. Have you let your partner know about this site yet? I hope he joins, and I hope you stay too and get the support you need
Lonely and shaking -
08-01-2008, 02:52 AM
08-01-2008, 12:27 PM
08-01-2008, 07:57 PM
(an internet hug, because you deserve the biggest hug at the moment, but obviously I can't teleport!)
I find i keep asking myself what is it that makes me stay with this man? A few of my friends and family are aware of the situation and they tell me I'm nuts for staying with him, that i deserve so much better, that they would never put up "with that". But if i think about it really, I remember telling a friend almost those exact same words before i knew that my boyfriend was a porn addict and her husband was. I felt so sorry for her; she thought that if she lost weight and became more spontaneous that he would stop viewing porn and become more interested in her. There still together after ten years of marriage. However, it's very easy to tell that she is not "happy" in her life/marriage. I fear that-becoming like her-her emotions sometimes are out of control and she'll snap at people for no reason. I mean are they really worth it? If the situation were flipped-would they stand by us with an addiction of our own equally as painful?
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