Mrs Blacks story... head over heels to over my head...

[mrsblack]

I had never loved like this. We met 10 months ago and immediately became friends. I liked him the first day i saw him, i still remember him entering the room. But he and his friends became my support. I was going through a rough time when I lost someone in my life. We saw each other everyday at school and with his friends, he made my day. Everyday. We had lunch by ourselves every week, went out with friends and talked to each other every day on Christmas break. Spring started and we found we liked each other. We talked about it and started dating.

:)

It was great. We are best friends and compliment each other. He was romantic, talkative, mature and patient over my difficult character. A month after dating we slept together. I was a virgin but i felt sae with him. I dated a guy that only wanted to get me to bed and i felt so sure with him, that i didn't doubt a second. Over time, it was excting, funny, romantic, something only we shared from the rest of our group of friends. We were busy with school, but took time to see each other. I suddenly realized that whenever he had lot of work, we were not together. That me feel uneasy and 3 months after daiting we had our first fight when i pointed this out. He explained himself as school is his first thing, but i still couldn't keep out the thought that he was just interested in getting me to bed. Still, everything else was going great, we talked about everything, he spent time with my family and i knew he loved me. I was in love.

=((
During summer we went to summer internships, away from each other. We talked everyday and, by my suggestion, had frecuent phone sex. We talked at night and he said that he was happy, and he wanted to be happy for the rest of his life if we worked on it. Talking one day, he said that he used to watch porn as a kid. At my question, he admitted he still did it. I felt horrible and couldn't understand it. I felt ugly, non loved, used, you name it. Worst of all, i felt betrayed. He always said he liked our sexual relationship and it made me wonder, did he really? Just as he enjoys looking at something else rather than me, would he BE with someone else? I had read porn books a few years ago. I had never been with anyone and was curious, but after being with him, i lost all interest, i found nothing more satisfying than him and us. I didn't have an orgasm even after a while we were together but i wasn't bothered, to me, it was us. That atmosphere of trust and love that I cared about. And i couldn't understand why he couldn't feel the same way. He felt ashamed. He said this was something "he had always hated about himself" and I put my foot down. I told him that either he dealt with this or this was it for us. Two days later he was looking into plane tickes to visit for a weekend. He came. It was a romantic weekend, and the sex was different. There was something in the air i had never felt before with him: insecurity. I felt like any second something could break. I felt on the edge, watching for everything he would say something that could say he was not dealing with it. He didn't want to talk about it. I asked him what was he dealing with because i had made clear that either he dealt with this or we were done. He said once again that he was dealing with it, beacuse he didn't want to lose me.

~X(
These last few days had been the worst, i feel insecure most of the time, hating every sex related comment he makes. I don't find them romantic anymore, but sexual and empty. He is there for me for some situations that i deal with, but he can't be there for me in this because he does not understand. He can't see that i've never felt beautiful, but with him i didn't matter, i thought he saw through me and loved me for more than that, now i don't know. i feel insecure about myself with the person i trust the most about everything else. i wish i knew what to do. how to help? how to help myself? this isn't supposed to happen. i know that relationships are not easy, but i shouldn't feel this bad about wanting us to work out. i feel lost and what i want the most is to make us work. there is tension between us and i fight him most of the time, or are distant the rest of the time. i want to trust him. but i don't know how to build it up. i told him i needed him to make an effort. to show me that i wasn't making a mistake by staying here rather than running before is too late. he did at the begginning, but now is back to the same thing. i don't know what to trust of what he says when he talks about us and when i look at our future, i don't see anything. i feel insecure and uncmfortable in my own skin and don't know what to do about it anymore... is it worth it? could he change? will time bring trust in us back? :-<

[FairyG]

Mrsblack,

I've read your post a number of times, trying to figure out how best to reply!

I want to reassure you that you're not alone, and that you've got plenty of support here for what you're going through with your boyfriend's porn use.

I do believe that with an honest declaration of the intent to change on the p.a.'s part and subsequent open communication within your relationship, it is possible to bring a relationship back on track again - but at risk of being blunt, without it, it will be next to impossible for you to ever trust your man again. SO...you need, first of all, to figure out whether your boyfriend is willing to really work on fixing his porn problem and your relationship.

I think the best thing to help you clear your mind a bit would be to write two letters (yes, two!).

The first, to him, should detail exactly how his porn use makes you feel, what you would like to change, and the consequences for him (and your relationship) if he can or can't make the changes required to keep the relationship going. The reason you should write to him rather than talk to him is that it will give him the time and space to really digest what you're saying, without putting up the emotional and mental barriers that would usually come out when he is confronted by an angry girlfriend. Don't hold back on letting him know exactly how his actions affect you, as this is your big chance to really get your message across to him - if he can't "get it" after reading exactly how you feel, then he's quite likely in serious denial!

It may be that writing the letter to him clarifies it all in your head anyway...but the second letter, if required after you've written the first one, is to yourself - and I guess it's not really a letter so much as a list. There is always more than a partner's porn use in the relationship to complicate the story, and the facts that in your case it's a relatively new and "whirlwind" relationship and he was your first sexual partner are certainly not going to make your emotional load any easier for you to deal with. So while no one here can tell you what to do or guarantee an outcome if you do X, Y or Z, you can possibly help yourself by writing a list of how you feel about the different aspects to this whole situation - a list of pros and cons, if you like. Sounds clinical and heartless, perhaps, but that's not how it's meant...I just think that it helps to really clarify for yourself what you like and don't like about this relationship, and by doing that you will hopefully be able to see easier whether the things you don't like have the potential to be changed or not. Does that make any sense?!

The other thing that is important, whether or not your boyfriend can make the changes in his own attitude and life regarding his porn use, is for you to find a way of making yourself feel better about yourself - of healing the way you're feeling about yourself right now. A lot of people here, myself included, have greatly benefited from the services of a good counsellor (emphasis on the word "good", mind you - it pays to shop around!) with whom to discuss your partner's porn use and the impacts it has had on you, your relationship, and your self image. If your boyfriend decided to make changes, he can - and should - join you in counselling sessions later, but first and foremost is your duty to heal yourself, and then you can then help him if he wants you to. A good counsellor should be able to give you ways of dealing with issues of trust etc., and ways of thinking about things that will help your mindset to become more positive.

Right now you are feeling, and completely understandably so, angry, insecure, confused, hurt, paranoid, betrayed, fearful...I'm sure I could go on, yes?! But don't let porn, your boyfriend's problem, become your own. You have to let go of it somehow - his porn use is NOT about you, it is HIS problem. Only he can change himself, so don't kid yourself for a second that you can make him change - all you can do is help yourself to become as whole as possible, and hopefully show and inspire him in the process how to heal himself also.

It IS possible that he can change - there are a number of "success stories" on this site to inspire you, along with the warnings of the heartbreaks. But in order for you to know whether this is possible, he will need to change his mindset and his habits. Which means he will need to have his eyes opened to the damage his porn use is causing (hence your letter to him). If he does say he wants to change you will need a lot of strength to support him in his habit-reversal while dealing with the negative emotions and lack of trust that you will likely feel for some considerable time to follow (hence your letter to yourself - you need to be really sure this is something you want to do, as it will be HARD). That said, however, it is worth the battle if he can change!!! Time and honest communication does heal a lot of the hurt, and really helps to make things work again. A relationship affected by porn can never be the same as it was before...but hopefully it can become stronger and better with time and effort.

Good luck :)

[Abbie]

i feel insecure most of the time, hating every sex related comment he makes. I don't find them romantic anymore, but sexual and empty.

I can relate to this too, it's a natural reaction and comes from the place you are at at the moment. He probably does mean the things he says sexually, but he's not in the same place as you, by the sounds of it, he hasn't quite realised what he's done to you.

I would certainly take up FairyG's advice and write him the letter, let him see what you see, let him understand how he has made you feel and then take it from there.

I think you do have a positive on your side, he admitted it to you when you asked. A lot of the PA's on here didn't admit it, which is the first step to getting a relationship back on track.

Do keep us updated, we are all in the same very large boat.

[mrsblack]

Fortunately, he read this. He was shocked, because i couldn't find myself to tell him how insecure i felt around him now and he didn't expect it. The letter for myself, that's definetely coming. I'm making it a day: writing the letter give myself a makeover, manicure you name it. He understood (when I finally admitted) that I had been hurt badly before and what his PA opened old wounds that I need to work on. I asked him to work on then with me, to let me gain trust again and he has. After he read this, we start each day's talk with: how are you feeling today? Just taking it one day at a time. I think joining this group is the first step to save my relationship... thanks for all your comments (keep 'em coming, please!)

[Abbie]

I'm so pleased you feel positive about this, it sounds like you've both made a good start.

I really hope you both continue to use the forums, him especially, as it's easy to just think everything's okay too soon, recovery takes a long time.

>:D<

[FairyG]

That's a great start! Definitely encourage him to read here every day - it'll help him keep his mind on what's happening with you, as well as what he needs to be doing to keep your trust :)