Abbie's 5yr story....

[Abbie]

My story is quite a long one, so I will try to keep it a short as I can here, not only to save your eyes, but I think I have recounted it too many times and I don't want to feel like a fool all over again.

I'm 30-something with a toddler and a mid-teenager from a previous relationship (who lives with her own father). I live in a lovely detatched home, and don't want for that much, my husband owns his own company, albeit a small one, but we are not poor and have no serious heath problems. I have been married for 5 years and been with my husband for 6.

Before I married my husband, I found he had been accessing porn very frequently on his computer (I'm VERY computer literate, it's my line of work!). I had a problem with this and told him so, but he said it was "just looking", and he could take it or leave it. This story is probably already sounding familar to most of you. He also was an occasional marajuana user, which I told him would have to stop immediately if I were to move in - firstly because of my other child visiting, and secondly because I didn't agree with drugs. At all.

I moved in, and he said he had stopped smoking joints, I believed him, why wouldn't I? But from what I could see, the porn usage, although becoming less frequent (from what I could see), was still a problem with me. When we decided to get married, I told him that for me to marry him, he had to promise that in no uncertain terms would he:

a) Use pornography, or allow it into the house.
b) Use drugs, or allow them in the house.

To me, this was simple. This is what it took to be able to be with me, it was his choice to make.

He told me not to worry, and he had given up both things. Although I had some doubts, I was thinking that I always had to be 100% on things in my life, so why shouldn't I just trust someone for once?

It turned out that he had been using porn (and even using marajuana) since day one of our relationship without a break. He even used online porn whilst my sister was asleep in the next room, he even used it a week after our wedding. I tried many ways to tackle the problem, signing us up to sites like this, setting boundaries, asking him to see a counsellor (who actually sent him home to tell me that he had 'no problems' that she could see, thanks love), asking him to sleep in another room, telling him I would leave, throwing him out, telling his parents, asking him what I could do to help, I really could go on with this list, but I don't want to break my keyboard with the amount of characters it would take to write it all......

All of my attempts to tackle this problem failed. However, in 2006, I used his credit card (yes his, why should I pay for his problem?) to buy spector soft pro. This is a piece of software at $99 that records every single keystroke, chat conversation, internet search, it even plays videos of his computer activity to me from the moment he logs on. This, I thought, would be the greatest deterrent, and I must admit, I've had his money's worth with it. He did NOT access any porn on that pc at all.

However, then came the Playstation 3. How generous of Sony to include a browser with it. I have a router, and because I wanted to download content for one of my PSX3 games, I set it up, but enabled parental control, which consists of a 4 digit PIN. Not the best security, but I thought it might deter him, which it did, for about a week. When I discovered he had been using porn through the PSX3, I disallowed it via the router and relied on the router to email me logs of all web sites accessed through it.

He is obviously getting more wiley, as he has managed to view porn on the PSX3 since June this year to last night at the most recent.

His porn usage has consisted of web sites, dvd's he gets from his mates then tries to hide (although I haven'y seen any of these in the last 2 years), tuning in the digital TV to adult channels then watching the previews - he has even filmed over a video of me when I was pregnant with our child (the only I had) with this. Sky has parental controls (which he has cracked the PINs for), and Sony thought it would be a good idea to put a PIN number on their digital TV for parental control only to allow channel scanning WITHOUT the use of it! As far as I am aware, he does not use magazines (trust me, I would have found them, I can scour this house with a toothpick when I get 'that feeling' that something isn't right.

I really am at the end of my tether, I could post here all the reasons why porn is not acceptable to me, but they are all beside the point. He agreed before we got married to STOP.

I could also post all his points of defence, his apologies etc but that would also break my keyboard, and I'm sure you have heard them all before from your own partners. The one thing that really winds me up is that when he asks why I still monitor his computer use, and I tell him, he complains that "all that is in the past". Ahem, is it?

My heart has been slowly breaking over the years, and I really do value myself too much to keep going through this. He will never stop.

I guess I am on here because I read all your posts and my heart broke all over again for you lot, the ones who are just finding out. I guess I want to explore my feelings before I really do chuck him out once and for all. I guess I want to help some of you, especially where technology is concerned.

I guess I need to be mad, not broken.

[still_angry]

Almost every story I read on here leaves me wanting to write some sort of response. I hit the reply button, and then end up just sitting here. I never know what to write.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Abbie]

Well he's now home from work, and he knows I know about the recent access, but I'm not saying anything just yet.

I think there comes a time when you have to wait for them to approach you.

[Searching4peace]

I'm with still_angry, I hit reply and just find myself sitting here. I wish that pearl of wisdom that would answer all of our problems would just flow forth...but alas such is life. I keep chanting to myself what my bff's mother a minister told me a few weeks ago...in life you "Deal with it", "Get over it" or you "Get Help" so far I'm to the third step...Get help. Reading everyone's stories and reply's has helped me to get things into perspective, all I can say is I'm trying this one day at a time...and when one day is to much to bear...one min at a time. It is easier to be mad than to be hurt abbie, I feel ya on that one! I try personally though to not let the anger control me...because it makes me a bitter person...and I know that's easier said than done.

Just know that I'm sending you all my support from someone who's knee deep in it too.

Peace and Love~
Me

[Abbie]

Thank you so much for replying. You made me smile with your HP avatar, I love the HP series lol. Thank you for that. >:D<

[Abbie]

Well I still haven't had any remorseful response from him. I expected this though I suppose as his responses of late (for aboit the last 12mths) have been this way. First he goes quiet, then I get the whole "it's normal" thing, then he acts like a teenager moaning and whining that I "control his whole life" (-hardly!), which in turn moves on to insincere remorse, until finally I tell him I've had enough and ask him to leave. Then of course, comes the begging to stay.

I'm very sad tonight, and I feel very lonely.

I also feel very empty, I feel as though the last five years have been a massive drain on my emotions, my soul and my patience.

[cmperry]

I'm sorry Abbie, sounds to me like he is in denial, he doesn't see the error of his ways yet. Have you written him a letter, I very precise letter explaining how this is killing your relationship, and eventually your views about him? Letters are probably the most simple miracle I've ever seen, when we try to talk to our loved ones, (in my case anyway), we tend to get very upset, my tears often got in the way of what I was trying to say, then I would be unable to finish saying what it was i was trying to say.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Abbie, Ive been reading all your posts, and your post explaining all, really upset me. It upset me, because i can relate to sooo much. From my time on this site, 99% of PA's all have the same traits. You also being from UK, and referring to the satellite tv previews etc, made it even more real for me, and reminded me so much of the crap I used to do.

From my perspective reading all this, one thing stands out very clear to me, all the energy and effort is coming from you. Yet, its not you that has the problem.

Its your husband that has the problem. You are on edge every day, as to will he do something? You are desperatley trying to cover every angle to account for every potential minute for him to slip up. If you could install discreet mobile CCTV to follow him, you would.

But all this effort, will go in vain, because you are not focussing on the route cause. You are trying to catch the act, catch the moment, and then blow up.

You clearly have a huge amount of love for your husband, so my advice is to direct that love and focus to getting HIM to see the problem.

If you feel he really doesnt get it, and like the article I wrote 'Mind of a PA', he is just dishing out either tears and begging , or shouting and rage, you know he doesnt get it.

You need to communicate to him, in way that he HAS to absorb your words, without feeling the need to defend or retaliate.

Write a letter. Explain exactly how you feel, explain specific situations, and how it has made you feel. This advice has been echoed over and over again within the partners forum, because it works. The second message in that letter needs to be that you do not want him to stop this for you, BUT HIMSELF.

I hope i havent come across as to harsh, But just want you to focus that energy you have, in the right direction. I say this, because 5 years i have been married, and i have never seen my wife so relaxed as she has been the last 6 months since ive been P free. She must have been at wits end for the last 5 years.

Let me know your thoughts.

FM

[Abbie]

Thank you both for your replies.

Writing a letter was the first thing I did when this all began, I wrote several more over the years but none of them were effective obviously - they were written effectively to a 'regular' person, but he is quite a selfish person anyway.

I have lots of patience now, much more than I had at the beginning, and believe me, I really have tried everything. There really is nothing you could say that I haven't tried. I was part of a group like this a few years ago, and I really missed the support so now I am here, I didn't want to be, but here I am again.

He has just left the house, as soon as I had posted the above post after we got (in from dining at a relatives), he sat straight as his pc and fired up an online game (another thing he is addicted to, which I can partly understand as I am a big gamer myself, but I can exercise self-control). This really gutted me as not only is playing his game a no-no when he has been caught using P (an agreement made together), but he was avoiding talking to me about the P again. He has not even said sorry this time and when I questioned him about this, he got all angry and frustrated at me again, well things went from bad to worse and I have thrown him out for the night.

Some of you may think this is wrong, but I'm not sorry. I need to be alone in the house without seeing his face avoiding eye contact with mine. He has caused these feelings in me so why should I have sit in the same house as him knowing he doesn't care about how I feel? Normally when this happens (though it doesn't happen very often), I end up ringing him a few hours later sayng he can come back and go to bed in the other room so he is not tired for work, but not this time, I hope all the way he drives to his mother's he is thinking why he is in this situation. But he won't think that, he'll just be wondering why "she's gone mental again". I'm not mental, I'm not even behaving mental, I'm quite calm. This is why I needed him to leave my space, so I can be calm without him and his P staring me in the face.

This man has never made a serious attempt the quit P, he joined the other forum I was on a few years ago but never visited it again, that was even supposed to be part of his recovery, visiting it often.

This man does not want to stop, he does not care for me, and he is selfish. I'm glad I'm here, exploring these feelings because it may give me the strength to ask him to leave for good, a scary but liberating thought. What's funny also, is that I am not a doormat, I'm a tough (some say bossy some say feminist) cookie, but I take this month after month, year after year.....:-<

[Abbie]

PS, your point on communication, I am a communication specialist so know I am not 'backwards about coming forwards' in an appropriate manner to suit the situation. He, however, has trouble communicating with a spoon.