Still_Angry's Story

[still_angry]

Some background so you see where I'm coming from...

Sexually abused from age 3 or 4, until 11 when my abuser died.

Developed very early and at age 12 had DD's. Because of this was called a slut, and no, there was absolutely no reason other than that to be called that. I was very shy.

Was objectified throughout my young life. Because I was very smart in math, arrangements were made for me to go to the high school next door to the middle school. I was in 7th grade, going to math with 10th graders. Try to imagine the things that 10th grade boys said to me when I was that young. My body was developed but my mind wasn't.

Physically abused by my father. My mother left me alone with him when I was 13 for a year while she tried to get herself together after leaving him.

Was brutally raped at age 16 by 2 men on a beach in Ft.Lauderdale Fl. on spring break.

:-<

1st relationship... he went to strip clubs often. His friend owned most of the one's in the area, and went for free. It never really bothered me, maybe because I had an incredible body and I kinda had my own life. But after I had his kids, and didn't have the body, it started hurting more and more. I told him, and he did stop, which I am sure of. But unfortunately it was too late. The damage was done and I lost my desire to have sex with him. I was never able to get past the millions of emotions we are all discussing on this board.

2nd relationship... I was head over heals and he was too, I know that. But he was an alcohilic, and can you beleive it took me 3 years to realize this? But our sex life was incredible, until the day that is, that I found out he went to strip clubs and also cheated on me. I was VERY clear about the strip club being a no-no with me and he knew what destroyed my marraige. 3 years later and he still writes me in sorrow and how he messed up and wants me back. But I lost something inside for him, just like my husband. Can't explain it. I guess perhaps it was respect. I don't understand how when you are having such incredible sex with someone, why they need to do that!

3rd relationship... stupidity. He was 16 years younger than meand raised on internet porn. I needed someone, maybe something in my life to help me get over #2 and he worked. I did start having feelings for him, at least I thought I was, but when I look back, I was infatuated. Turns out he cheated on me the whole time and was an online freak, addicted to swinger websites, blah blah blah. A total waste of 8 or 9 months.

4th relationship... my current one. This may be long. I'll come back and finish it later...

[still_angry]

Ok, here goes...

We met online, accidentally. He is my friends boss. I frequently talk on IM and noticed my friend logging on at night, which he NEVER used to do. I asked him and he explained he borrowed his bosses laptop and used his IM on it. He never logged off and it was set that everytime the laptop turned on, IM logged in automatically. He told me to tell his boss to log off next time. (WOW! while writing that, I just remembered something and put some peices together of something, and just now realized something else he has lied about!!) Anyway, that's what I did, but in that first conversation, as I joked with him about logging off and that I thought he should fire my friend :P, we realized we liked eachothers sense of humor. We talked many times after that and I asked him to please create his own IM, because it was weird talking to him with my friends name always appearing.

He acted so computer illiterate. I had to help him create an email account, and download yahoo IM, so he could speak with me. (Or so I thought). We talked all the time. After a while we exchanged pictures. Funny, when I think back, we were talking dirty about things (not real dirty, but flirty) and he sent me a pic. I remember him acting all shy to send it to me, saying almost word for word, "I can't beleive I am sending this to you". It was a pic of him with a towel wrapped around his waist. Turns out later, that was the pic that gave his little secret away.

We decided to meet. Instant attraction, instant wanting to see more and more of eachother. Oh, but I left out something important... we live 2 1/2 hours from each other. So we are in a Long Distance Relationship.

He always said things in the beginning about not wanting something serious. Just wanted a "friends with benefits" relationship. I flat out from the beginning said I couldn't do that, and that I tried that with #3. I knew I wasn't capable. I tried quite a few times to stop seeing him, and obviously failed. There were so many things about him I absolutely loved.

Moving ahead, we fell in love. I had a girlfriend of mine come to my house distraught. This was the second time this happened. She thought her husband might be on Adult Friend Finder again, and wanted to use my computer, and have me help her. I had a profile created from the first time that we used to log on and look, and she wanted to catch him. So as we were looking through for her husband, I see a pic. I actually screamed, "WAIT! Go back!". There it was, the knife in the heart. My boyriends pic, the one in the towel. So opens the can of worms.

I, with hands shaking, write an email to him, saying.... I wonder if how he felt when his ex-girlfriend cheated on him (a story he told me), was anything like how I felt at the moment, and I attached a screenprint I made of his AFF profile.

The excuses rolled in. It's not what you think, it was before I met you, I only read stories, I haven't paid and can't even look at things as a standard member. I'm sorry this is making you feel this way, but I HAVEN"T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! They are just pictures.

There is so much more to this story for it all to make sense, but I can't write it all. Turns out, he had been on the site since 2003. Got together and slept with with women from the site. Searched out and met one of them after he met me and we were sleeping together. Says he didn't sleep with her. Even if he didn't, I don't care. It was only because after they met, he wasn't attracted. He would have if he were.

Everything was starting to make sense. The way he talked to me in the beginning, as if we met on AFF... no strings/friends with benefits. I can think of litterally 1000 things he lied to me about to cover this up. I feel our entire beginning of our relationship wasn't real.

I need to take a break and will finish later. Excuse me while I go throw up...

[cmperry]

Thank you for posting your story, I can imagine how devistating regurgitating all of this can be.

[FoolishMind]

Well I think as your nickname here suggests, you have a lot of things to be angry about. There are no real words I or anyone else could say to comfort you, as you have clearly gone through alot. I could only imagine how you feel, but im sure that wouldnt even come close to how you actually feel.

I think in typing all this out, and sharing this, you may feel slightly lighter to release all the mind numbing heavy baggage that you have been carrying for so long. At least I hope it makes you feel at least that minute percentile better.

Still Angry, while relationship 1 to 3 has taken so much from you with the majority of bad events staying at the forefront and eclipsing the good memories, I can imagine that relationship 4 is why you are here now.

Clearly though all of this heartache, and literally gut crunching experiences, you have grown, and you have become so strong. But im sure deep down you would love to trust, and love to just release all that tension and relax in someone arms and actually feel safe, respected and loved for once. I truly wish and pray you find that.

I will sign of here, and let you continue your story.

FM

[still_angry]

Foolish Mind - reading all of your posts has really helped me. Thank You.

You are 100% right in that all I want is to trust, feel respected and feel safe with someone. To have someone who will take care of me. You are right, I am strong, but not that strong. I guess all I really want is someone who will be honest with me. I relate so much to what Jasmine writes because to me, the truth is more important than anything else. I am so hurt by the lies and deceit, moreso than the acts.

I have to run, but will finish later. I am embarrassing crying in the airport, reading this while waiting for a flight. It is not the first time one of your posts has brought me to tears.

[still_angry]

I have come back here so many times to finish writing, but I just don't know where to begin and what matters anymore.

We went away together this past week and talked a little. I know he is very sorry for what he has done, but I still don't trust that he has stopped as he said, and although he knows he has hurt me, I still feel he thinks he doesn't have a problem. He is saying that he hasn't been on the website since the end of last year, so he doesn't think he has a problem. He has looked me in the eyes, even cried, so I suppose I am supposed to beleive him. Yet I read on here from other PA's, about their ability to lie right to the face of the spouses or girlfriends, and the very next day go right back to it. I do beleive he is a good liar. How do I know if he is? How will I ever know? I want to beleive him with all of my heart, but because of my past, this is doubly hard for me.

I wish I could get the software all of you talk about, but we don't live together and are 2 1/2 hrs away. He has access to the internet on his laptop, the probably 15 or so computers at his company, and the endless number of hotels he stays at as he travels all the time. It is impossible.

I honestly think that our circumstances are probably about as difficult as possible to deal with for me, the significant other of a PA.

I will try to continue where I left off...

1st, he says, and I don't beleive him, that he is not on any other websites, other than the one, AFF. (which reminds me of something I read from a woman on here... he has never come to me with something he has done, only admitted (and denied) things I have caught him at. I get sick to think of the things I know are there, that I don't know of) For those that don't know AFF, it is a swingers site, not necessarily a porn site, although it is. It is actually far worse. If browsing these women and couples, he finds someone interesting, he has the ability to contact them, and then meet, which he has.

I don't know if I can continue where I left off now, so I am probably just going to vent. This might all be random...

In the beginning of our online relationship, as said before, he acted so unsavy as far as IM and web cams, etc. But before he met me, he had been IM'ing with the people he met and had sex with, as well as looking at web cams. It makes me sick to think that he was talking to me and them at the same time. He was looking at my face on cam saying things like you are so beautiful, I wish I could kiss your cheeks right now, while on the other screen talking dirty with women, looking at web cams and porn. I feel like an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One woman he talked with, as he explains to me now, was a dominatrix. It's as if he feels it was OK because he was curious, and just kind of "learning". 8-| But the deceit and lies were always there and are what I have so much trouble with now. I very clearly remember when I first turned my web cam on for him, he acted like it was the coolest new fangled thing he had ever seen on earth! Imagine, someone who had been online looking at people having sex on webcams for years and years, acting so ignorant. I can remember thinking... wow, at least I found someone different than #3 !!

[still_angry]

:-<

My relationship with him was new when I found his profile on AFF. We were probably around 5 months into it, but even that early I started having feelings for him. I can almost certainly say he was feeling the same as me, even if he didn't admit it because he thought it was too soon to say that.

When I found his profile, I didn't know what to do. I confronted him immediately with that email saying I wonder if he felt like I did when his ex cheated on him. At that time, the excuses were... It's not what I think, he only reads stories, he hadn't been on there hardly at all (his profile showed he was online the day I found it). His profile had his pic, and a couple of paragraphs basically saying he was looking for a no strings relationship. He was interested in being a third person for a married couple to "play", or with two women, or just one woman, and looking for one special couple or person rather than many. One of the first things I noticed was that there is a "network" section, where he has people in it. All the people that were in his network, were people from the 5 or so areas in the country that he travels the most to for business. He told me he had never been with anyone from the site, only had coffee with three, but nothing more, and that since he met me he hasn't been with, talked to, or even thought of another woman.

Prior to finding this, we already had plane tickets for a trip he was going on for business. He often takes me on his business trips. We were going to talk on that trip, but when we got there, he got a call that he had a warehouse fire, and he left me there and flew home. The fire was horrible for the business and I loved him then. I slacked in holding him accountable for what was going on with us, because he had so much to deal with.

But at the same time he was dealing with the fire, I was spiraling downward in my mind. The images I had of him with other women and couples was starting to cause triggers for me with my rape and abuse, that I had been very good about dealing with in the last 10 years or so. I was starting to have nightmares really bad again. I loved him and didn't want him to leave me, so I felt I had to explain it to him. I told him I was abused and what finding this out about him had done to me.

He said he felt horrible and that he would NEVER lie to me. He said he loved me and that it was all before we met, and that since I found his profile, he hadn't been back on there. I was mad. I am still mad. When I think back on what happened to me from that point on, I sometimes think he doesn't deserve me. But I love him so much, and I know he loves me too. I tried leaving him a few times, but it is unbearable to be without him. Moreso than what staying with him with all the mistrust does to me.

I wanted revenge and I wanted to hurt him. I created a profile on AFF for myself. I put a picture of my chest on it, wrote a profile I knew would hurt him, and asked him how he feels knowing I am out there, for all these men to look at and who can contact me. He wanted to read what I wrote, but because he wasn't a paying member at the time, he couldn't read what I wrote, but only look at the pic and he wasn't logging on to the site because he knew I could see if he did. I spent every day, day after day on that site looking at all new members, trying to see if he was going to create a new profile to look at mine. It was as he called it later on, a game.

I wanted him to see it so it would hurt him. I told him (the biggest mistake I ever made) to just log on as a women. Women are free on that site, only men have to pay. So of course he did. He created a profile of a bi-sexual woman. He never admitted it to me even after I asked him, but I knew he did. I knew because he stopped asking me what my profile said, like he had been over and over. he suddenly stopped asking so I knew. But what I didn't know, or think through, was the fact that I now gave him a free ticket and a disquise to look at all he wanted on that site. It is hard for a man to meet a woman on there, but women get bombarded by men. What had I done!

The entire time I was on there, I was getting worse. The nightmares, the stories I was reading, the emails I was receiving. It all began to impact how I felt about men in general. Everywhere I went, the store, the gas station, my kids school. I pictured every man on earth as being on that site. I hated them all.

Within a week of telling him to go on as a woman, I got an email on my profile from a woman. After the months I had been on there, it was the first. I knew it was him! He was asking me for pictures of myself, I guess to see if I was actually talking with people on there, which I never did. I hated that site. I was on there ONLY to try to catch him. I hated the control it had over me.

I confronted him about it, he denied it. I wasn't positive it was him, but I was 95% sure. I deleted my profile because I couldnt take it anymore, and he wasn't logging on his original one anymore, and there was no way for me to prove the new one as a girl was his, and I was losing my insanity. But that only lasted days. I just knew that woman had to be him, so I created a new profile. I posted a pic of a very skinny blonde, silicone pumped and from the same town as him. I wrote to him to see if he would answer. Of course he did. For months I created new different profiles. He talked with me on all of them. Asked for pictures on all of them, planned meetings with all of them.

He even went so far as logging on to the site on a business trip we were on together, on the hotels computer, to write to my woman profile while he was supposed to be working, to throw me off track. On that trip I asked him to open his email in front of me. If he had nothing to hide, he should have no problem with this. He did, but then grabbed it from me and closed it quickly when I went to look at an email he sent to himself titled "pictures". We fought, and after we got back from the trip he then gave me the password to his account, to as he wrote " look at any time". But it was too late. He already had the opportunity to delete everything. He says that he deleted nothing, and that the pics were of me, ones he saved from IM and that he thought I would have been mad for saving. That was a lie I know because I gave him the pics of me, why would I be mad????????? 8-| I am sure they were probably pics from the site.

Anyway, when he gave me the password, what he didn't realize was that I could now log on to his IM too. So I did. There were around 8 or so other people on there with names like hotass, sexy so and so, etc. I knew they were all from the site. I logged on to the site and did a search for the screen names on all the people on his IM. Most of them I was able to find a profile for on AFF. One was a woman who lived near him. I called him that morning and confronted him. I said I had an interesting conversation with one of his "local" girls. I hadn't talked with anyone, I just made him think that. The info I had on her was from her profile, but I made him think I talked with her. He paniced. I changed his password so he couldn't log on. I logged back on to IM and within a half hour of telling him, one of the women wrote me thinking I was him. Apparently he called all the women (and men) and said some whacko girl got on his IM. But I guess they were confused, and talked with me anyway, thinking it was him.

He finally admitted that he had met and had sex with a couple, and a woman. The local girl he supposedly did nothing with, only lunch a few times and talking dirty.

I know this is so long, and probably not even going to be read, but I guess writing it all is like therapy. I guess this is my timeline I wanted to create.

to be continued....

[still_angry]

While on his IM, I was able to see that he had been on yahoo IM LONG before he met me. So when he asked me to help him create his profile and download it, he was obviously lieing. He was obviously lieing that he had never really seen a webcam. He was obviously lieing about not looking at, talking to, or even thinking about other women since he met me. When he admitted to having sex with the couple, he made it sound like it was long before he met me. But he lied about that too. He had sex with them at the same time that he was first talking on IM to me before we met. They even called him up AFTER I found out he was on AFF, and he told them he has someone new to "play" with, but invited them up to see him anyway. Apparently they didn't want to make the ride, but the invite was there. Had they, he would have had sex with them again. All after he knew about my abuse and how all this was effecting me and after he told me he cared for me.

He also found the new local girl months after we were sleeping with each other. He lied about that. One of the hard things for me now is that at the time after the fire, for a couple of months, he barely had more than 2 minutes to talk, IF he called. We didn't really see each other much, and this was a time I needed him most. I was already at the point of wanting to kill myself. He knew it, but instead of talking to me, he was talking with this local girl. Talking online, taking her to lunch, meeting her at an apartment his company rented and was giving up. All time he didn't have for me, but he had for her. I want to puke at the thought of that.

While looking at his AFF profile, and then going back to dates of emails, I was also able to see that one night when I really was ready to just drive my car into a tree, and needed to talk to him so badly, he ignored my calls while away on a trip, sent me an email saying he was exhausted and couldn't write because he was falling asleep, but the time stamp on an AFF network friend showed that he logged on to her at the exact same time he wrote the email to me blowing me off. He had time to look at these women, and for all I know talk and email with them, but not for me.

Imagine how hard it was for me to trust him, knowing all of this, but him not knowing that I knew. Imagine when these women were in the same cities he was in. And I am supposed to believe he is not trying to meet up with them. But I was trying. I was trying to trust him and trying to beleive him because I loved him and wanted to beleive he wouldnt do such a thing to me. But I was wrong. He did.

I wonder if he now knows how strong I had to be to know all of this, yet still continue to see him. I think back to so many things and just cry. I don't know, I can't really explain it, but he always made me feel that he has the upper hand in our relationship. Because he is always so busy with work, he is the one to always determine when we will see each other. (which also reminds me, his profile also said he can meet in the afternoons if that made it easier. That always left me wondering... was he meeting someone instead of working? It was and still is absolute torture. I don't think he understands this) I felt I always tried to do things to make him feel better, make him feel good, make him happy. I think all he really did for me was to actually see me. As if I was being graced with his presence, and I should be happy for that. I remember I wrote him an email once, naming around a dozen things I loved about him. He wrote back, after me having to ask him to, and had two things he liked about me. One was sexual. I'll never forget that.

Moving forward, it was around 6 months ago that I stopped going on the site regularly. I had to stop. I went on occasionaly, wondering if he was on again, but only checked his profiles and logged off. He stopped logging on as the woman around 8 or 9 months ago.

It definately made things better for me, but I always wondered if the woman was him. Anyway, the last 6 months I feel we grew so much closer and definately fell more in love. I do know he loves me. But I couldn't move on without knowing if that woman profile was his. I really needed to know because if it was, it meant he was talking to women (me in disquise), AFTER he said he loved me. I felt if he could do this while in love with me, and still lie to me, that I just would never be able to trust him. I demanded he give me the password for his AFF profile. I knew I couldn't read any emails, because after 1 month they disappear, and he hadn't logged on in almost a year, but I felt that if the woman profile was him, it probably had the same password, and that is the one I wanted to go on. That is the profile he had been on around 6 months ago. I also wanted to try the password on a few other profiles that I think are him. I asked him at a time I knew he would not be able to go online and change it.

He told me. I went online to check, but he gave me the wrong password. I knew it was intentional. Low and behold, the next day, the womans profile was turned off. That was my confirmation. When confronted, he finaly admitted it. So now I am dealing with knowing that while he was in love with me, he was still collecting pictures of other women and men, and it all came flooding back, and I am now still, every day, finding one more thing he has lied to me about.

[Searching4peace]

Although I am new to this site, I can say this...having been in a similar AFF position with my husband. I don't want to sound harsh or preachy but it has taken me 4 years to learn what I'm going to tell you. You cannot change them, no matter how much you love them...If they do not want to change they will not change. You cannot do it for them, you cannot reason with them to change, you cannot threaten them to change, you cannot guilt them into changing. I know it hurts, I know you feel lost and angry and depressed. I used to wish I would never wake up in the morning, until I realized that NO MATTER what he did, no matter what happened between us I was enough...I was good enough, I was worthy enough, I deserve more that this. If I could grant one thing for you it would be for you to see the beauty in yourself, to find your own inner light, do not let him extinguish it. I know that this does sound preachy, I just see you on a path that I walked for so long...doing the things I did and I know the frustration and pain they caused me. I'll tell you the joke that a 20 recovering AA friend told me a few months back that helped me to wake up.

How many alanons does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they detach and let the light bulb screw itself!

That has become my new motto when I am faced with my husbands resistance to face his addiction...detach and let the light bulb screw itself.

I hope that helps.

Peace~
Me

[FairyG]

Still_angry,
Words fail me - I just wish I could give you a hug for real >:D<

(And Searching4peace, I love that joke!)