LYING LOVE (story of mine) - by Nessy

[Nessy]

Lying Love ( story of mine ) I have been married for 21 years and I love my husband deeply!
We have been having issues dealing with his use of internet P. I became aware of it throughout our marriage, thought we had overcome it at the” slip ups”. But now for about 5 years, I have come to realize, it is something he does and try's to hide it from me and its all the time, and it tears my heart out. He will go out of his way to see to it, at all times, his laptop is password protected when he is not using it. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, so I ask myself, “What can I do today that will make my marriage better?"

When I try to discuss it, and I am made to feel like it is my problem and he’s “tired of it” (me). When I ask point blank about a specific thing, it is flat out denied it all together, after I have the facts/proof. I am told, “You’re crazy, I wish you’d get a life!” It makes me feel like he doesn't love me and he could care less how it affects my self esteem or my feeling sexual and sexy for, or, towards him. So with that in mind I am now labeled a prude. I am far from a prude, its just "Fun Nessy" is lost in "dealing" with her pain caused by P. I am so desperate and feel hopeless of how to deal with this issue any more. I love him deeply and we used to be best friends.

I was sexually abused as a child by my grandfather, by which, he use adult magazines. I believed and my husband had me convinced, the feelings I had towards P was due to my abuse. Maybe it didn't help, but HE hasn't helped with is insistence of use behind my back. I think I’m dying inside. The internet P is just half the issue it’s all the lies that comes along with it from hiding his use of it. All my nightmares are about him, and our dealing with the P. His ongoing temporary pleasure of deceit ultimately brings mental pain and suffering to a supposed “loved one”... Is this not considered mental abuse?

This is what doubts his porn use leaves me……..

v Sometimes when he tells me,”You’re sexy”. I wonder how sexy I am compared to his online “interests”.
v Sometimes when he wants to have sex, I wonder if he wants ME or is it, he is reminiscing about his private pleasures on his internet searches and want the real thing to relieve himself.
v Sometimes when we are having sex, I wonder if he is playing this reel of porn instead of connecting with me.
v Some times when we go out, I will put my all into looking lovely for him on the edge of sexy. Then I see him paying more attention to someone else’s sex appeal to him during the evening. Many, many times I have gone out of my way to look especially beautiful and gone all evening without any attempts of appreciation from him.
v I am depressed, sad, lonely, no self esteem, feeling worthless, and very much unloved, and afraid to face tomorrow!
v I feel my love is eroded and raped of happiness.

There are many times he has asked me, “Do I make you happy?” Or “How can I make you happy?” I feel like screaming from the highest mountain top with a bull horn, “NO MORE PORN!!”This is my only misery in life and YOU are the one causing it!!! I still don’t think he would ever get the message of what it will take for me to feel happy and loved. It is so simple!!! Why would he be so in love with me and think, just because this joy for him causes so much pain for me, is acceptable and should be tolerated?
I want to live each moment with a full heart, experience the inherent happiness of my soul, to have internal peace and joy, and claim my right to happiness.
But, I really wonder, is there hope, is there a way of handling this with results, or am I my wheels and just need to choke it down and feel worthless in silence for the rest of my life? In the meantime I will paint on a smile and pretend all is well for now…………?????

What I know to be real and true!!!!!

· It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into our relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it IS cheating.

· If he would for one minute consider how it makes me feel. If it makes me feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to STOP. If it is eroding our relationship, it's gone TOO FAR.

· Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level. If he hasn't already.

I Know I need to tell him that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship, until he gets it.

· Would he engage in the SAME behavior with me standing right there? NO!

· He justifies the behavior by saying, "It's just the Internet or I’m just a man", or “It’s your issues, not mine”.

· It intrudes on our relationship.

· Which is more important: P or our relationship? Only he can answer that because I have no way of knowing his feelings for me anymore because of his P use, and lies.


I want my best friend back!!! I want that beautiful thing called trust back!!!!!

[Dominus]

Hi Nessy, with all my heart I am sorry for the pain you experience. Sometimes us men are just downright selfish and don't fully appreciate the damage that we cause. My advice to you is to write down what you have put here in a letter to your husband setting out clearly how you feel about it. even if he does feel its ok and a 'man thing', the fact that it hurts you so much should be sufficient motivation for him to do something about it. As I have said before, if you found your husband in bed with another woman you wouldnt just accept it, but would no doubt order her from the house and have a huge showdown. Well you should make it very clear to your husband that the porn is an entirely unacceptable thing in your marriage and you are not going to tolerate it under any circumstances whatsoever.

Could you persuade him to visit this site and see the experiences of others?

[showmelove]

Hi Nessy,

A see a lot of people on this site recommends writing a letter from your heart, as suggested by Dominus. I just want to add that as an addict of P for a long time I so much which that I could have become aware of all the consequenses of my behaviour during the time I was in a relationship. When you are under an addiction you are blind. Even though he doesn't see it now he is the one that ultimatly will suffer the most from his addiction. Even though it affects you too he is the one that will alienate people around him, have lower energy, lower self esteem and become more emotionally isolated. He is probably not even remotly aware of this because he has probably not given the option of not using p for a long period a try. So he doesn't know how much better he would feel without it. Right now he doesn't know what is in his best self interest. That is how you should look at this problem. Not that this is something that is primarily affecting you. If only you could get some constructive communication going and show that you care about him and are concerned you have a great chance of turning things around here. Best of luck to you.

[cmperry]

I cannot give you much more advice than what has been said already. All I can tell you is that you are not alone in this battle, there are many of us here going through the same emotions who can read your post and know we've all felt it before. Try writing the letter like Dominus suggested, it can do wonders!

[Nessy]

I am new on the website. I spent a couple days reading and crying. And I sent him a link to
"The Dark Side of The Moon" story and asked him to check out this website. I am very nervous that he will see all I wrote here but on one hand, I feel he has to read it all for himself to feel the weight of it all.

We have gone around and around over this SOOO many times and it still remains "my issue". There has been times (I want to believe) he has gone with out P. But only he knows the truth. I don't like him feeling like I want to control him, its not about that. There were arguments where he would exclaim "I am a grown man" I don't need a mother. Or that he is a "good man" as he said, all to excuse his P use. And yes he is a good man, every one loves him. But the hurt, that the P use causes, makes me want to take his computer out to the street and smash it in tiny pieces. We all know how insane that would be, I especially. His computer is his lively hood.

Putting all this down for all to read, (including him) is something I've never done before. I have searched for a way to communicate with people for a long time. Talking with him leaves me feeling defective and him angry with me. Now mostly, I feel nearly stifled by the attitude he has of... how dare you bring that up again, you know how angry it makes me that you have this issue with P.

I thought hypnotherapy would be a good way to deal with P. Taken as mentioned of my sexual abuse as a child. But I have been in therapy over that for a long time, and am doing great on that front! It is his use of P now in my adult life that is killing me. But I keep telling myself if he wants "Fun Nessy" back he has to build back my trust.

Thank you all so very much for your replies. I hope he puts some serious thought into what hiding things and lying for the sake of porn has done to me after he spends some time reading this web site. More so I just want it to ALL STOP!!!!!!!

[jasmine]

So, first things first. It sounds like you want to know the truth. I wish someone would have told me, "Be forewarned, this could ruin the rest of your life," or some variation before giving me the truth. In any case, you want to know anyway. It is human nature, curiosity, to the extent where we would rather be certain about something bad than uncertain about anything. And if we can't be certain, at least in my case, we assume the worst.

One way you could get him to tell you the truth is to make him accountable in a largely foolproof way, such as a monitoring software. I personally am home whenever my boyfriend is home now, because I'm studying for a major exam, and I can afford to watch him myself (the computer is in my bedroom). However, it is something you both need to work together to decide. He must agree that he wants you to know the truth, then together, as a couple, you can decide how he is going to prove his trustworthiness to you again, such as a program that shows where he's been online. This is tough, because you need him to want to prove his trust in any way possible.

I've established in my relationship a "no lying" policy. If I find out he's lying, I'm gone. He can watch all the porn he wants, and it won't upset me half as much as if he lies to me about it. I realize you've been together much much longer than my boyfriend and I have, so I don't know how to apply a similar restriction to that kind of relationship. I'm sure there is another kind of agreement that can work as well. In any case, there must be some incentive for your husband to prove to you he's telling the truth. Otherwise, what does he care? In fact, from his perspective, it is better that you don't know.

Oh, another thing I wish someone had told me. He says he wants "the fun you" back. It has been almost two years since I first caught him, and a month since I realized he was actually addicted. I'm never going to be the same again. Maybe close, maybe even indistinguishably close to my old self, but never exactly. I will never have that much trust in our relationship, or that much innocence. But oh well, not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to have your eyes open when you're in it for the long haul. Anyway, I'm sure you will adapt to this, and find a way to keep fighting the good fight without losing hope. Best of luck to you both!

[Nessy]

Jasmine-
Thanks for the advise. Much appreciated. On that note, We have a "no lie policy in our relationship". What a joke to say we do when it is not seem to be the case any more. Best friends don't lie to each other.
I had mentioned to him about a "software program to help US out. He blew a gasket! Besides he is considered amongst his peers as a computer guru/ genius . Therefor circumventing a system, for him would be entirely possible. I too have spent endless hours scouring the computer, at that time we shared the same computer. I was obsessed!
I finally came to realize if he wanted to hide it he could and does, no matter how savie I become on it. Especially now that we have separate laptops. He guards that computer from any ability of even going near it. I want all unnecessary email accounts deleted, and an accountability programme on the computer. I want his full disclosure. I want him to put his heart into quiting the P all together! Thats what I want but get what I WANT is another thing.
What would hurt him equally I ask? Hummm. Going behind his back with another man! That us not an option, I can't do that to some on I LOVE. Something has GOT to GIVE!

[jasmine]

Well, I have been having a little more success than usual in my relationship for a while, so I'll go out on a limb and try to tell you what's working for me. You have got to find a way to make him want to quit. Tell him what you need to. I tell my boyfriend how infiltrating, and awful the pornographic industry is, I read him first-hand accounts about all the worst aspects of porn from the former porn stars/strippers themselves, mostly I ask him, "Is this how you think an ideal relationship is supposed to go? When you were a kid, did you imagine your dream girl, your family and a little porn on the side in your perfect relationship?" Chances are those weren't always his ambitions, because the cold hard truth is that a perfect relationship doesn't have this. In a perfect world, two people are enough for each other.

If he says, "Yeah, this is my ideal relationship, to have both you and porn," well, I don't know what to tell you. I would run for my life, but then I'm a self-described coward. I'm just lucky my boyfriend gave me the easy answer.

Another thing that might help is "training" him to talk about porn. He probably hates it, as my boyfriend did, and maybe even gets really angry and starts screaming at you in a rage. But porn and your relationship is something you've got to communicate on. I do some exercises about once a day with my boyfriend, where we will try to discuss pornography, past and present without him losing his patience and "raging out." However, he is very cooperative. He knows what his ultimate goal is: a relationship where we are enough for each other and we never raise our voices and scream. If your husband really tries to cooperate, I know he can do this.

And maybe you could ask him to use his computer genius to devise a method to reveal his activities, some way that he just will not be able to delete them. Maybe he could give only you the password, or something. I don't know I'm terrible with computers, but perhaps he could help you brainstorm. But first, I'd make sure he can communicate effectively without blowing up. Otherwise, that might turn into yet another fight.

Don't bother trying to get even by cheating on him too. I thought about that for a long time, but why stoop to their level? We are better than that. We are good women who value fidelity, and why should we put ourselves through the horror of having sex with another man just to "show them how it feels?" Personally, I have decided I am not going to torture myself with the likes of more men. One is bad enough. Okay, I jest, but seriously, this is really tough.

[Nessy]

I would never ever dream of another MAN! He is all I want and all I need. I love him to much to do such a thing. My hope now that I sent him the link to this site I hope he utilizes it to its fullest potential. All I wish it truth and honesty again with who used to be my best friend. I added you to my buddy list ok?

[cmperry]

I feel the same way, I would never dream of having an affair, nor did I think we lied to eachother, turns out it was a one way street, things fell apart a few months ago and we are trying our hardest to put them back together, the best thing I can tell you is just keep talking to him, writing to him, make him know that lies hurt just as much if not more than the truth. I have heard alot of conflicting opinions about the use of filters and accountability software, but until he sees the problem with P he is not going to agree to accountabilties or filters. In a previous post you mentioned he likes to make this your issue, which in my opinion points to denial. Have you written him a letter, explaining what this does to you?