Avegan's Story

[Avegan]

Hi everyone, hope you're all well.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. We're serious and have talked about marriage, kids etc.

About this time last year i found out about his porn. He used to go to the bathroom and said he was checking his emails while on the toilet. However, he was looking at, and acting on porn, while i was sitting on the bed at his house. I saw his laptop screen when he came out once, and after that i checked his internet history. A MASS of porn was there, i felt sick down to my stomach, shaky, upset etc (i'm sure you know how it feels).

I talked to him about it, and he realised how i felt about it. However, a month or so later (actually on my birthday) i found out he was still doing it. He was searching for still images, including names of people he likes, and even local nude models. We talked again and he said he would definatly stop. I kept asking him if he'd been looking at it, and also checked his internet history. I found he had done it a few times later on, to which he said "well it's a lot less than i used to". However, he said it was all going, and i believed him.

About 3 weeks ago, i was on his grandad's laptop and typing into google. Previous searches came up in the drop down bar, yes he'd been doing it again. This time i have completely broken down. Crying myself to sleep, not eating etc, even suicidal. I nearly broke up with him. He said he wants the problem gone and that we should never have to go through it again. He's let me set a password on his router, and from there i can block sites/keywords etc, which i have done. We've talked in depth about it. For the last 3 weeks he's said he hasn't even thought about it, and that it's completly gone now. But how can i believe him? He's been looking at porn since he was 11, and i'm scared that the problem will never go away. I know i can't live with it forever. It's knocked my self confidence to nothing, i'm hating myself at the moment and i don't like leaving the house. Images of the people he looks at are engraved into my head, and i'm constantly picturing him looking at it.

I've not been too bad for a week now, but tonight it's hit me again.

Sorry for the long post, i don't know who else i can talk to about it. Hope that all makes sense, lol.

Avegan. x

[FairyG]

Hi Avegan, and welcome to TTF :)
I'm sorry to see yet another person with a relationship in strife because of a partner's porn addiction...but I'm glad to say you've chosen a good place to come to for support! I can't stay and write for long, but if you check out some of my other posts you'll find my story and thoughts on the subject in bits and pieces around the site (and get to know that I usually write novels, also!).
I'm sure you've been reading around anyway, but if you have a read through all threads in the partners forum, you'll find that what you are going through is something that many of us have also gone through.
The feelings you have will take a long time to die down and disappear, so be patient and kind to yourself, and try not to let it get you down too much (easy to say, I know - I, personally, spent many a day crying my heart out and wishing there was some quick fix for all the pain I was feeling!). This problem is his to fix, and I admire you for having the courage to stay by him and help him...don't forget to help yourself also, however, or to ask him to help you by reassuring you of his progress. You need to be sure he really IS making progress in order to be able to move on and make your relationship work. If he is genuine about changing, he will understand this and should be willing to prove himself to you.
Keep reading, and know that you are not alone.
Stay strong :)

[Avegan]

Thank you :)

I have been reading through posts on here, and i'm glad (in a way) to see i'm not the only one who is feeling this way. To start with i thought i was over-reacting/being jealous.

I'm having problems answering the question "so this is my life now?", i'm afraid it's always going to hang above us. But i'll try to stay hopeful. I'm off to bed now, i'm so tired.

I'm glad i found this forum :) x

[ShannonErin]

Im semi new to this forum as well and i have been going threw the same situation as you for a year out of my 2 year relationship and i just want you to know you arent alone and there are people here who DO understand you and who can relate and offer words of comfort to you. I know that my situation has taken a terrible turn today, as we are on a break, hopefully not for long, but i just want you to know that this take a long time and it cant be fixed over night, and he wont stop unless he is willing. He might say your trying to change who he is yada yada but dont listen cause hes changed you as well. Just hang on there and just remember you cant help him if he doesnt want to help himself. Im always on and please feel free to PM me about anything im a good listener and tend to give good advice


Stay strong


ShannonErin

[Avegan]

Hi Shannon, thank you. It's kind of comforting to have others in the same situation, but kind of depressing as well, as i know lots of people are suffering because of this. Makes me angry in a way.

Sorry to hear about your situation, and i hope things get better for you as well. x

[clog]

Dear Avegan,

Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear about the heartache you are going through.

One thing you need to know is that us PAs are generally incredibly thick-skinned and simply do not pick up on the signals that our partners are sending us about the fact that our behaviour is truly upsetting to them. We get so fixated on our P habit that anything and anyone else is reduced to insignificance. I'm not sure your partner has really understood how much his habit is hurting you. You may need to shock him into reality. Many on this forum have resorted to putting it all down in a letter. This is often a better way to put across how you really feel, particularly if conversations get stuck on denial or empty promises.

The second thing is that your partner developed this habit a long time ago, probably well before he met you. P has become his misguided solution to issues he faces in his life - it could be stress, depression, low self-esteem or many other things. His habit wasn't caused by you. He has the problem, not you. If he's anything like many of us, your partner may well try to turn things around and try to convince you otherwise. Don't buy it.

Third, you may need to confront your partner with stark choices. Do you feel so strong about this that you feel it has to be you or the P? If so, tell him this. Work with him to beat the addiction as much as you can, but be prepared to draw the line. I have been causing my wife hurt and grief for far too long and I am deeply grateful she hasn't walked away, but I would have absolutely respected her if that's the decision she had taken.

Finally, if your boyfriend is willing, he would greatly benefit from joining this forum. Try to get him to have a look. He'll be surprised how many of us are struggling with these issues here. And if he's serious about quitting, he'll get a lot of support from members here.

Clog.

[Avegan]

Hi Clog, thanks so much for replying :) I hope i manage to do this quoting thing right now!!

Many on this forum have resorted to putting it all down in a letter. This is often a better way to put across how you really feel, particularly if conversations get stuck on denial or empty promises.

That's a great idea, i will do that. I find it hard to talk about it as i get all muddled up and upset.

Third, you may need to confront your partner with stark choices. Do you feel so strong about this that you feel it has to be you or the P? If so, tell him this. Work with him to beat the addiction as much as you can, but be prepared to draw the line.

Yes, i'm afraid if it continues i'm not sure if i will be able to cope :( I don't want to see our relationship end, but at the same time i can't cope with the constant pain and heartbreak, it's so hard.

Finally, if your boyfriend is willing, he would greatly benefit from joining this forum. Try to get him to have a look. He'll be surprised how many of us are struggling with these issues here. And if he's serious about quitting, he'll get a lot of support from members here.

Clog.

Thank you, i will ask him to have a look :)

[FoolishMind]

Hello Avegan, any updates? Did you write a letter? Has your BF had a look at this site? Let us know.
FM

[Avegan]

Hiya, sorry i've been away from the computer for a few days :) I have written a letter to him, which he said he has read but didn't say anything else about it. We had an arguement on Thursday because he was getting angry and upset that he was trying so hard, and i was still feeling down. Last night we continued to talk about it, and he really realised what this was doing to me and my mind. I also realised i had been quite selfish, and had been pretty much ignoring him over the last week because i've been so involved in my own mind and my own healing. Today we've been a lot happier from talking, and he assures me that it is never going to come back, even though i can't be sure of that. I wish i could believe him, but how i can? I'm not sure if he has as much control over it as he seems to think. His computer has actually broken over the last week, so he hasn't been able to access this forum yet! I will get him on when i can :) Might have a bit of trouble because i think the block i have on his internet might block this site! We'll see lol.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Avegan, well that sounds positive. With the trust thing, Im sure he will understand that he doesnt expect you to revert your trust levels back to 100% in a click of a finger, It will take time and there will be times where both of you will just need to bite your lip.

Ultimatley, trust your gut instinct, just as you knew before he had some secrets, you will also see he will be improving in character and respect to you, when he is free from P. With your internet blocking software, there will be away to allow this site, if you enter the full URL.

Take Care
FM