Journal of Cmperry

[cmperry]

I really want my husband to come and read these sites, but he thinks they are bad, he says they just keep reminding me. I told him they help me, I don't need anything to remind me I can feel it just fine. He says he can do this alone, no help, cold turkey. I don't know any suggestions would help.

[Inshi]

Hello cmperry, Iam glad you joined this site. I understand how hard it must be for you, to deal with ur husbands PA on your own, esp. cos you cant talk to friend or family about things like this, cos its embarrasing for both ofyou.Whereas on this site, you can talk to people who have been & still are goin through the same problems as you.
TTF is one of the best sites on the net for PAs and their partners and trust me, I have looked at numerous other sites, seeking help and this ones the best.
So I dont think there is anything bad about it. Does your H really and truly want to stop his addiction? Or is he just saying that to get you off his back?
This site and every1 here have helped my H and me immensely and I thank them everyday for our lovely relationship.
Maybe some people can do things alone, go cold turkey but I know for a fact that my husband cudnt, hence he joined this site and its the best decision he has ever made.
Tell your husband to take a look at the site and it might help him.

[slave]

Sounds to me like his problem really hasn't hit him yet. Once he realizes just how severe it can get, and how difficult it truly can be to stop, then we will see him running. I was like him for years, telling myself, oh cold turkey, I’ll stop no problem. Well it has been my new years resolution for over five years and I always was at it again and again. Sorry to say there is really not much you can do for now, until he realizes it himself. But you can sure help him realize it. Keep encouraging him, show him some testimonies, real stories of the seriousness of this problem, what it does to people's lives, and don’t be afraid to scare him, he needs that initial shock to motivate change. However I don't know the severity or strength of your husband, maybe he can stop easily and its not that serious for him. Don't give up and try to be understanding (pray if you’re a believer) we are always here for the both of you.

[cmperry]

Thank you for your posts. I really want to believe that he sees the problem and I want to believe that he wants to stop. But I have wanted to believe it every other time too. He is a strong willed person, when he wants to be. But I am really not sure he really sees the problem yet. He says he won't do it anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me, which is a good reason, because it utterly destroys my world every time. But there is the part of me that looks back and sees that my hurting has not been enough to quiet this demon in the past. I don't want to be a person who dwells on the past, I really try not too, but when faced with the same situation my mind cannot help from going back there. He tells me these things as we fight and he's trying to calm me, even for a few days after the fight, then he changes, he'll tell me what else can I do I'm already in jail, and my not so clever response is then why do you keep wanting me to stay? he then say I just keep hoping you'll get over it someday. Which upsets me again and we repeat the cycle. Right now he's in the tell me what I want to here mode, I have printed many many posts and information for him, that was when he started talking about how these sites wern't good for me.

[slave]

I'm very sorry to hear your circumstances. Always remember this phrase; it can never be so bad that it can't get any worse. Be thankful for what you have, for it can be far worse. I can't imagine how tough it must be to live in your shoes but trust me many people do, they understand how you feel and many of those people will give you words of encouragement in the following days, there are multiple people on this forum in a similar situation as yours. To me it sounds like he is doing it only to calm you down, unfortunately that is not enough because simple selfish human nature shows again and again, until one fights for something truly meaningful to oneself will he actually put in the heartfelt effort. I'm sure your husband is a very nice man and is trying hard to stop for your sake, but he appears (I may be wrong) to be in denial and the fact that your receiving a lot of glowing embers against him burns him, so he says this is a bad site. Just be patient, he will realize. We will always hear you out and give you support to the best of our ability.

[cmperry]

Yes that is what I fear, that he will be able to resist for awhile. He's the kinda guy that wants to forget the bad stuff, i mean wouldn't we all, but thats when he runs into the problem, he forgets why he stopped in the first place, because it wasn't really something he wanted to do anyway. I feel so pushy, but I also feel I was pushed into this. I don't want to feel this way about him, I just want to love him and feel it in return, and it seems like just when I think we might pull thru, it all comes down again. I feel alot better than I did from my first post, I have been reading alot on here and it feels good to know that so many people are pulling thru this. I don't see how this could be bad, now I just have to try to work him towards it. Thank you again for this site and your posts, you can't imagine how much you've helped already by just being here.

[slave]

You have the right to be pushy about this, this is serious business and you’re his wife! That doesn't mean nag him half to death about it, but be strict and stern, always clear as to what hurts you and unacceptable. When he said the words "I do" he agreed to love you and only you, you deserve all of him as he deserves all of you. Trust me its really difficult for him, so even though he may reject your "pushiness" so you in a sense, he really needs all the support you can give him.

[cmperry]

Thank you, good to here someone not saying i'm a prude. In the begining of our relationship we had massive problems with it, and I think that was because I wasn't clear on what exactly was wrong with it, I couldn't give him a good reason, he didn't understand. But now we've just been thru so much with it, I just think to myself man he's got to understand really. I havn't written letters, we've fought, we've talked. But he always justifies it by saying all men do it, it's natural, all those things. Even gave me a fine example in my gawking married brother this past weekend. My brother made me feel so ashamed for his wife, and she seemed as if she didn't even notice. It really gave him ammunition. I just wish he would read some of these, he said he read some that I printed but I don't think he really did. He tells me there is so much other bad stuff, (he is 8 years older than me, this is my first real relationship, whereas he has had quite a few)he'll say things like at least i'm not cheating on you, feels like it to me right now, but thats really I think I always ?expected? I don't know. I'm sorry I keep going off subject, I just feel like I have so much to say it just keeps bursting out.

[FairyG]

Hi cmperry, and welcome to the site :)

Sounds like you've got a not-so-fun situation on your hands!

First off, whether he likes it or not, you need support in dealing with the fallout from his porn problem - so really, the question is whether YOU find the support helpful. And if the answer is yes (as I know it is) then, at risk of sounding harsh, what he thinks doesn't really matter! Naturally, however, in a marriage one does have to take one's partner's viewpoint into consideration ;) But honestly, whether or not he wants to face up to the reality of the pain that his actions are causing you, your pain is still here and you need to do what you can to alleviate that...so if YOU want to seek help for the way you're feeling, then great!

Perhaps he simply isn't at a point where he can really face up to his part in your pain...that doesn't mean he's not willing to change his behaviour, but some people simply find it easier not to be reminded of such things so that they can move on. Perhaps simply knowing that the articles and support are "out there" is enough for him, and he will read them if and when he feels he needs to?

Or perhaps he's afraid that the "support" you receive will be from people advising you to leave him and is wanting to avoid that?! You can reassure him that that won't be happening here - I think I can safely say that as long as he IS working on overcoming his addiction and not just fobbing you off, anyone you talk to on this site will encourage you to the fullest to support him through this addiction (while being careful not to lose yourself, of course).

HOWEVER...all that said, the "I don't want to talk about it" technique of going cold turkey only works when a person is really dedicated to moving on...if it's simply a case of him burying his head in the sand and not wanting to face up to reality, then you do have a problem. And by what you've said in your posts on this thread so far...I don't know, do you think he's really given it up for good this time? I'd like to think he has, but you sound uncertain yourself. I know it's hard to ignore the paranoia that comes with this territory of being "the spouse", but if you can manage to put that aside for a few minutes then your intuition should hopefully have a chance to talk to you...and what it says is worth listening to.

I'd be very interested to know, if you have the time to write it out, what has happened up to this point...things like how long have you been married, how you've found out about his porn use in the past, how many times he's "given it up", how you've talked to him about it, etc. Because it sounds as if you've been going round in circles a bit?

One thing I would suggest that many of the spouses here have done, myself included, is - IF you think he has not really committed to giving up for good - that you write him that letter. You need to tell him everything about how you feel, why you feel it, what you want to see happen, and the consequences if this doesn't happen. Fighting and talking doesn't usually work, because there are too many emotions, and the information you're giving out gets jumbled and comes out piecemeal - writing lets you get it ALL out, in the right order, without missing anything. This does mean you will have to take a good hard look at yourself also, and figure out what you are and are not willing to tolerate in your marriage - I had to do this, and it was incredibly hard, I can assure you! But it's worth it: sometimes they really can't see what they're doing to you through the defensiveness brought on by having "another argument with her screaming/crying/<insert overly emotional reaction here> at me". That's not to say your emotions aren't entirely relevant and valid...however your average bloke simply shuts down on hearing them, and can't process what you're saying. As a result, they justify their actions by saying "she's overreacting" and lying low for a while before going back to how they were before. If you can give him ALL the information he needs in a way that he can process it in his own time (i.e. written down) perhaps that will allow your message to get through - sometimes they need a real shock of knowing that you're serious in not putting up with this any more to bring them back to reality.

Maybe you don't need to be told all that, maybe you're past that point with his addiction and he really is giving it up for good this time - I certainly hope so. But if you can't talk openly with him about this without him getting defensive then perhaps you do need to do this still?

As for his "all men do it" quote - hah! I'm sorry, but in my book REAL men either don't do it from the start or, once they're realised that it's not exactly the best way of behaving, find a way of overcoming their base urges and growing up enough to be an honourable human being. (And before anyone takes that the wrong way, I consider every man on this site to be a fine example of REAL MANHOOD, because you're here fighting your compulsions - and winning.) Looking at a woman once is natural; gawking like a drooling, hormonal hostage is disrespectful - simple as that. If you feel like his looking at porn is cheating, then he needs to listen to that and respect your views - I personally felt the same way, and it took a lot of time and effort to get my husband to understand that. I'm happy to say that he gets it now (or at least, he says he does and he's living by that which is enough for me! ;)) but I had to get to the point of being willing to walk out on him for him to understand just how much I meant it when I said I wouldn't tolerate it any more.

Argh, here I go, writing far too much again...

I'll leave you with the reminder that you're not alone, and that you have support from all of us here. Do let us know more and how you're doing when you have time.

Stay strong in what you want :)

[poor2nd]

I have some understanding with what he is saying I think. I was looking here every day and it made me impatient for a solution. However, I don't think that's a bad thing. I used the site to help me cope and understand mainly. I don't think an addict can be forced to stop their addiction; they have to want to. If I force this on him he'll be defensive, and to honest, so would I if I was in his situation. I was luckier than you in that my BF already accepts he has an addiction and wants it to stop. I was forever searching on here for anything which seemed to be relevant and was printing it out, just like you. I was starting to get a little obsessed I think. But that didn't last long and I don't think the excitement at finding a possible way forward is harmful! My BF still hasn't joined the site but I think that's because he's simply trying not to go near the computer at all. But .. and I think this might be helpful for you... he knows it's here, he knows you have read all of this and that neither he, nor you, are alone. I have decided to use the site and the genuine support here for me .. for now. It is somewhere to share fears and find an understanding ear. It's somewhere to think through strategies and plans and decide what to do.

Hope that helps