And I find my self back here...AGAIN

[kbr]

I haven't posted her in a while. Almost 8 months I believe. I have read to stay encouraged but haven't written anything. Honestly, I felt like, in a lot of ways, that my marriage was fixed. My husband did not get help for his addiction and did not really change but for some reason, I felt like he/we were better. Then I found out how horribly wrong I was. I found out about my husbands PA early in our marriage, but didn't have a name for it then. In May of last year it all came to head in a horrible way and he was more than remorseful because he thought for sure I was leaving that time. But I didn't. This time was worse. This time his issue moved from the computer screen to strippers. He actually was close with two. He would lie to me and tell me he was working but would be at the club, alone, watching these two women. He would text them all night. It got to the point that he would leave me in bed after being intimate and have s*xual text conversations for hours with them. All the while I was sleeping believing that he is talking to friends or co workers or family. Later, I found out that he spent my birthday dinner, not texting a co worker, but his new found interests making plans to see them the next day. After I found out, again he told me he was sorry and again he told me he has a problem and again he told me that he is still attracted to me. I am still unable to process all of this. How can someone be physically attracted to me but never touch me? How can someone be so obsessed with these women but not even look at me? So again, when I asked if he wanted to be single he swears it would break him. Again he went into a jealous phase were he thinks that every time I go out another man will "steal" me from him. Again he seeks reassurance from me that I still love him and that I still want to be his wife and that I still want him s*xually and again I find myself here, at TTf, writing my post to try to start healing again. What a vicious cycle...

[JenMac]

Hi kbr!
I am sorry you find it necessary to be back here again. It is definately a viscious cycle.
Kbr, the thing that popped out to me in your post is, What do you want? What is important to you?
I know the cycle that happens when we think this is in the past. We want to move on and leave this behind us. We want to believe it is all fixed and that our husband's intentions are honest and real. And most likely they are in the beginning. Of course they want to make us happy and take the pain away. Of course they feel bad for what they have put us through.
What I think I have learned this time is that this is not going away. I am not going to let it. This working together to maintain a safe place in our marriage is going to continue for the long term. It is the only way I feel safe and protected in this world at the moment. That means a lot of tough conversations and continuous talking about this subject that we tried to put behind us in the past. The funny thing about that is, that those conversations and keeping this in the forefront has been what has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Of course we also work on being giving to each other and keeping our connection alive in other ways as well. But by consistently and continuously dealing with the daily reminders and hardships we can help to keep this from our lives. A return to 'normal' was not what I was seeking this time. It scared me to death.
I am sorry that you feel blindsided again KBR. It is very sad that you have to go through this again. It is time now for you to focus on what you need to feel safe within your own home. That is such a simple thing for us to ask for. Just to feel safe within our own homes.
So kbr, I ask you. What is it you want from your marriage? What can you tolerate or bear? How will you communicate those needs and expectations to your H? Speak clearly kbr once you have determined your boundaries. He, as well as you, need to know what those boundaries are.
I am sorry for your pain.
Jenn

[kbr]

Jenn, thanks so much for making really think about my needs. I so often go out of my way to focus on my husbands needs and how he feels about his PA. I hate to see that look of shame when I talk about my hurt feelings so I keep them to myself. I feel the need to comfort him even though I need comfort. Sick I know...I read your reply like 8 times and really tried to answer the questions you asked. To be honest I want my husband to be the man that he tells me he will be every time he is in his repentant phase. I want that person to stay around longer than the month he feels guilty about his actions. As you said, I want to feel safe. I need to feel safe. I have tried setting boundaries but he has ignored them and told me that the filters for the phone or computer are smothering and a bit overbearing. I have asked him to be honest with me when he feels urges. I don't want the details, I just want to be there to help him through them. I have asked him to seek help and he said he felt uncomfortable when he went to the SAA meeting and he has never been back. I want my marriage to work because I know we deserve so much better than what we have had. We deserve a happy, healthy, marriage. I have also come to a very sad realization. I HAVE to be better as well. I HAVE to heal from the broken heart and my wounds have to mend. But, I can't do it if he is constantly tearing them back open. Through all of this crazy rambling I think what I want the most is a change for the better. I would love nothing more than for that change to include my husband but if it doesn't that may be God's will as well. So it is back to therapy with a great counselor and this time instead of focusing on how to be more trusting of my husband and how to understand the mind of a PA (basically a better wife), I want to focus on me and solely me, not how to fix my marriage.

[JenMac]

Jenn, thanks so much for making really think about my needs. I so often go out of my way to focus on my husbands needs and how he feels about his PA. I hate to see that look of shame when I talk about my hurt feelings so I keep them to myself. I feel the need to comfort him even though I need comfort. Sick I know...I read your reply like 8 times and really tried to answer the questions you asked. To be honest I want my husband to be the man that he tells me he will be every time he is in his repentant phase. I want that person to stay around longer than the month he feels guilty about his actions. As you said, I want to feel safe. I need to feel safe. I have tried setting boundaries but he has ignored them and told me that the filters for the phone or computer are smothering and a bit overbearing. I have asked him to be honest with me when he feels urges. I don't want the details, I just want to be there to help him through them. I have asked him to seek help and he said he felt uncomfortable when he went to the SAA meeting and he has never been back. I want my marriage to work because I know we deserve so much better than what we have had. We deserve a happy, healthy, marriage. I have also come to a very sad realization. I HAVE to be better as well. I HAVE to heal from the broken heart and my wounds have to mend. But, I can't do it if he is constantly tearing them back open. Through all of this crazy rambling I think what I want the most is a change for the better. I would love nothing more than for that change to include my husband but if it doesn't that may be God's will as well. So it is back to therapy with a great counselor and this time instead of focusing on how to be more trusting of my husband and how to understand the mind of a PA (basically a better wife), I want to focus on me and solely me, not how to fix my marriage.

Hi K!
It is not sick to want to comfort someone when we see them in pain, especially those closest to us. It is very natural in fact. Sometimes though we have to allow them to go to the uncomfortable places to allow growth to happen for them in their lives. I do not believe in beating anyone up with our feelings, but I also do not believe in hiding them. One thing my counsellor did do for me was to tell me how important it was for my husband to understand my feelings about all of this. She was right about that but she didn't need to tell me as it was written all over me.
Your husband's uncomfortable feelings are something he is going to have to go through if he is to seek true and lasting recovery. So even though we may want to take some of that away for them it can be to their detriment if we do that on a constant basis. They need to see and understand the damage this is doing to both themselves and to us in order to fully 'get it'. Once he does he should be willing to do what is necessary to make you feel safe, loved and respected. These feelings are the very least that you should expect from your marriage.
I am so glad to hear you say you are going to focus on you K. That is the very best thing you can do right now. Once you feel that strength returning to you, you will be better equipped to make decisions along the way.
Praying for strength and healing for you K.
Hugs!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

"Your husband's uncomfortable feelings are something he is going to have to go through if he is to seek true and lasting recovery. So even though we may want to take some of that away for them it can be to their detriment if we do that on a constant basis." quote from Jenn.

This is so true, because if they are not willing to go through the discomfort that talking openly with a counselor or group causes them, it gives a message that my discomfort (PA) is much more painful than what you(SO) are feeling. Some PAs never do push themselves to be open about "their" problem, and they never heal, which greatly undermines an SO who is working on her own recovery to something that she did not bring into the marriage, but now exists at his invitation.
Good luck in your recovery.