Gutted, unforgiving and will never trust him again

[Broken]

Hello everyone, I'm a 49 year old who has been married for 28 years and found out, back in October last year, that my Husband had been viewing Porn, lots of Porn, for several years.

My 19 year old Daughter found it in the history when looking for something else.

He of course denied it was him, knew nothing about it, blah blah, but after 2 days he finally admitted to it.

I printed off the history, a few months worth, hundreds of hits on porn sites. Young girls, probably Daughters age, made me feel totally sickened. How could he have looked at these images with the same eyes that he looked at me with?

I ranted, I raged, called him all the names I could think of, I hated him, hated what he had done, hated myself for not realising what was going on, felt such a fool, let down, every emotion going.

I couldn't stand him near me, made me feel sick just looking at him. Other blokes he knew also sent him images by email, recommended sites for him to visit. I felt I knew nothing about him, after all of those years of being together, he was a stranger to me.

I told him I couldn't be married to him, we split as a couple but lived in the same house, just communicating when necessary.

I put a filter on the computer, childish maybe, but I had to stop him contaminating our home computer.

After a few weeks, I knew we needed to talk. I told him I needed to ask questions, lots of questions, and I needed answers, even if they weren't the answers I wanted to hear.

We talked for ages. He said he did it to see what other couples did/he was bored/curious, I don't know if these were the true reasons or not.

He also said he didn't go into chat rooms but some showed up in the history. He said he had a quick look and then left. Who knows?

I agreed to give the marriage another chance. I hated what he had done to me but I didn't hate him totally. Mad but that's how I felt.

So, 4 months or so later, I still can't forgive, I never will. I still hate him for what he did. I always will. I turn things over in my mind all the time. Watch him constantly to see if he is eyeing up other women.

I know I can't compete with the porn women. I'm 49, I can't ever be 20 again. I can't do the sexual acts that they do, I just can't and wouldn't.

I'm sure he is still getting his fix, but not sure where as he can't access it on our computer and he hasn't got an internet phone, but I can bet it still happens, somehow.

I keep bringing it up. He says it's in the past, over with. I don't believe him.

I don't know how to move forward, is it even possible? Has he had an affair? will he have an affair in the future? why aren't I good enough for him?

[JenMac]

Hi Broken,
I am glad you have found us.
I am sorry you need to be here.
But by being here you will find support, and that is what is so necessary for you at this most traumatic time.
There are many questions that you will have, and these will be ongoing. As you learn more and more, there will be other questions that will be raised.
I suggest you start writing out your thoughts and feelings in the hopes of releasing them from your mind. That, for me, is very therapeutic. I hope it can be the same for you. Whether you write here in the SO journal section, or in a private journal of your own, there are definately benefits from getting this out.
Broken, I too have been married a long time, and I found this by accident and was completely unaware. It doesn't make us stupid, it just means we are trusting of the person we are closest to. The filter is in fact recommended for this situation all the time. In fact, if your husband wants to show his committment to recovery he will do everything possible to show you he is serious. He should be an open book in regards to how he spends his time, how he is feeling in relation to recovery and any struggles or worries he may have.
I am sorry you are feeling in such a state right now, but I want to assure you that it is natural for this upheaval in your life. I likened it to a grieving process. This is a true trauma when you are deceived and betrayed by the one you rely on for love and protection. I won't tell you the road to healing is easy or steady, but I will tell you that it can happen if both parties are willing and committed. It takes a lot of digging deep to find the path forward. My H mac and I have been on that path for 23 months, and we have found the way despite the many pitfalls along the way.
Broken, I am glad you are here. Think about yourself and what you can live with in your marriage. Think about setting clear boundaries and determining what you need to help put you on the path to healing. Speak those boundaries and needs clearly to your husband, either in person or in the form of a letter. By thinking about our needs first and making decisions in regards to what will make us feel safe at this time of upheaval, we can start to feel a strength return to us. That strength can help us to feel a calmness return so we can start to feel somewhat centred in our lives again. I repeated a mantra to myself to help me get through the first and most difficult days. 'I am safe. I am strong. I am loved.' I knew I would get through this, with or without my husband. I knew I would be okay. I had to tell myself that often.
Jenn

[maggie]

Hi Broken,

I ranted, I raged, called him all the names I could think of, I hated him, hated what he had done, hated myself for not realising what was going on, felt such a fool, let down, every emotion going.

I couldn't stand him near me, made me feel sick just looking at him.

I'm not sure if this is your first post, but if it is, I want to welcome you into a very...very...supportive community of people experiencing the same emotions and feelings you are. I am an SO and the word ' hatred ' and ' sickened ' doesn't even feel descriptive enough of what I felt in 2009. Physical rage, heart palpitations, vomiting and sheer panic. It is shocking to find out that the person you trusted so completely could get involved in this filth while living in the same home! Shouldn't a man doing this be living all alone in some dark hole or basement with a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling ? Shocking.

You mentioned 4 months and not being able to forgive yet. That is too soon. You are still bleeding from the pain. You need to give yourself a lot more time than that to heal. And, unfortunately, for some/most of us, it will always remain a very painful memory.

There are many SOs on here who have re-built their relationship and they will be able to offer you positive encouragement. I am still resentful and it's been over 2 years! It is not healthy to remain negative and angry, but prior to this discovery, I was over the top, as far as trust and forgiveness. This blindsided me in a way that I'm beginning to realize was a ' necessary evil. ' I needed to toughen up and stop expecting others to keep their promises or to have my back. I've changed from a naive and trusting soul to a more wise and distant one. That really is one of the results of this mess that I resent the most. That my openess and innocence has been taken.

One piece of advice I want to give you Broken is to never....ever compare yourself to the characters that perform in pornographic clips.
They are physically and mentally sick people. Physically they starve themselves, use enemas and diueretics before filming and are painted in layers of makeup, hair extensions, and silicone. They endure the stench of bodily fluids that normal human beings avoid if all possible. It is sick and demeaning way to earn a paycheck. Please try to have more respect for yourself as a woman. You would never sell out your values and self-respect just for money. That's what these women do. Talk about damaged goods. What kind of relationship or family life will they ever have when their performing days are over? You are a good woman with real emotions and feelings, not a painted performer who smiles and endures humiliation for money.

You are too good..too worthwhile...too loving... to give one thought to women like that.

Maggie

[Broken]

Thank you so much for replying.

Yes, I think that writing it all down would be very theraputic, will give it a go.

I need to talk with Husband more, I need to know how he is feeling now, I need to know if he still wants the porn, so many questions I still need answers to.

I torture myself constantly, going over it all again in my head, rereading the list of porn that he visited, looking in the mirror and still not believing that this is all happening to ME.

I feel second best to the perfect women in the porn. I always dress nicely, wear makeup, do my hair, keep myself looking good, but it still wasn't enough, was it? He still wanted an image on a screen more than he wanted me. If it was ok to do it, if all men do it, then why was it done in secret? why did he deny it was him that had accessed it? why did he give no hint as to what he was doing? why has he totally broken my heart, devastated me and ruined the life I thought I was living?

[maggie]

If it was ok to do it, if all men do it, then why was it done in secret? why did he deny it was him that had accessed it? why did he give no hint as to what he was doing? why has he totally broken my heart, devastated me and ruined the life I thought I was living?

I need to quell my anger to answer this statement, since my H said the same words. " I thought all guys do this, I didn't think it would hurt you so bad "

BS...He clearly knew that I would be upset if I had found even " one single " photo of another woman... fully clothed... that he was looking at in secret. He knew that. All men know that. Who would ever accept their partner collecting pics of other men and women to stare at...naked or clothed. Never mind all the other twisted behaviors and thoughts that come with viewing hc pornography.

They keep it secret because they are painfully aware that no decent female would ever tolerate a man mstbing to pics in another room. My H actually said to me when I argued that he knew pornography was wrong, " I didn't think of it as pornography "
Oh really !! What did he think it was.... a vivid lesson in anatomy and acrobatics? These lies are the fuel that keep the anger raging. Didn't think it was wrong. Thought all men do this. Didn't realize that it was pornography.

[Broken]

To my mind the only women that are "accepting" of it (I use the term loosely) are those that are brainwashed by the men of Society that are regularly using Porn!

As you say, of course they know it's wrong, they know full well how a partner will feel when they find out, which they invariably will.

I also hate how it's said that men need stimuli more than women and that watching porn is fine and that women shouldn't feel threatened by their partner using it. What an absolute load of rubbish! of course we feel threatened, of course we feel compared unfavourably to these on screen women, of course we feel devastated that our partner is looking at, and being turned on, by other women.

Aarghhhhhh!

[raining on the inside]

Hi Broken, welcome to TTF! I am so glad that you have found your way here and I hope that you find this forum to be as helpful as I have. This community is filled with wonderful, wise, and supportive people. I just joined this past November and it really has been a lifeline for me.

Your story is very familiar to so many of us. The feelings that you are having are ones that many of us have experienced and still experience as we move through this process. My H has been using porn regularly since he was a teenager and we have been battling for him to get control of this for the last 2 ½ years. He’s made many promises and broken many promises. I found out about his most recent relapse in November and was completely devastated. I really believed that it was a thing of the past. That’s what he told me. I also feel stupid that I blindly took him at his word. I also have spent too many agonizing moments comparing myself to the women that he seeks out in P. I too have distanced myself and have felt that hatred and that disgust. I too have a hard time imagining being able to trust him again. I have learned that these are common feelings for individuals who have experienced this type of trauma. I know now that this is not me overreacting or “making a big deal out of nothing” like my H tried to convince me of at the beginning of all of this.

I would encourage you to talk further with your H about all of this. Some of us feel the need to know every detail and others choose to only know the basics about the extent of the P use…for me, I needed to know everything, despite the pain it caused me to hear the answers. Figure out what is best for you, but know that the answers will forever stay burned in your mind. I tend to torutre myself obsessing about the details. But I needed to know them anyway. One thing that I have learned over the last few months is that when I approach this topic with my H, if I express anger he reacts very negatively. If I’m able to keep my emotions in check I am much more apt to get the answers and the response that I am needing. It is very hard to do this sometimes and I don’t always succeed, but when I do it is very helpful. We get a lot more accomplished that way.

I don’t know if your H is seeking abstinence and recovery from PA, but if he is I would encourage him to take a look at TTF. There are great articles about PA and then of course all of the questions, answers, and journals. My H hasn’t been active on TTF, and I’ve spent many many hours reading on TTF, so I copy links that I think would be helpful for him and send them to his email.

As Jenn said in her response, it is very important to set boundaries and make it very clear to your H what is it that you need from him. Also, there are a few good books that I would recommend… one is “The Porn Trap”. I read that first and then my H read it and thought it was very good. Another is “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How you can Cope and Heal”. This one is specifically for partners of PA, also very good.

I hope that you find some comfort and some peace. Try to take care of yourself through this process. At TTF, we are here to support you and listen to you. Getting the feelings out can be very therapeutic, especially when the people reading and responding to what we write are people who have been there and who understand the pain that you are going through. Good luck BrokenJ

[Broken]

I too will never, ever be naive and trusting again, such a shame that this has been taken away from me by the one person that I trusted 100%

I told him that the only way we could have a hope of going forward is if he never, ever looks at porn again. He says he no longer does but, who knows? I don't trust him at all so I at present still believe he will be accessing it somewhere, somehow.

I definately need to talk again with him, so many more answers that I need, so many ways that my feelings have changed and evolved since the day that I found out about his love of all things porn.

So many things have now fallen into place since the discovery. His staying up late when I had gone to bed, supposedly watching sport or something equally innocent was of course porn watching.

I have also caught him eyeing up other women when he was with me which I find totally disrespectful. If you're going to have your little eyefuls at least don't make it obvious

Thanks again everyone for the warm welcome

[JenMac]

Hi Broken,
Communication is definately the key. In the beginning my husband and I were either not talking about it or we were in the midst of a crisis over it. What we learned that worked for us was talking about this on a continuous basis. Daily we learned to speak about it. That helped to smooth things for us, made it not so threatening. Now this of course took time but we continue to talk about this almost daily and we are 2 years in.
I also agree with raining. Keeping emotions in check may not always be possible and noone will tell you that you are not entitled to anger, but I felt like the anger was the lesser emotion for me. Allowing my husband to see my hurt rather than anger allowed him to take ownership for the harm his actions had caused rather than pushing back in anger as well. I have often said anger is hurt turned outward. Understanding it in that way helps us to identify what we are really feeling and hopefully allows us to convey to our husbands the damage of p in our lives.
They also need to begin to see the harm it is causing to THEM if they are to move on to a lasting recovery. Unfortunately the memory of the hurt can fade with time, but if they can see the changes this is causing in their psyche they will be further compelled to live free from this for the long term. Mac and I watched some anti p videos early on that had a profound affect on him. When he actually saw the industry for the truth that was there in terms of the abuse and degradation, it almost sunk him. He says that, along with a few other things, was one of the defining moments of his recovery.
Broken, you have every right to be angry! Use that anger to your advantage. Arm yourself with information and share it with your husband. If I have learned anything this time, it is to keep this in the forefront. It is not going away anytime soon. Be careful though not to get caught up in the bitterness that this can cause. That does more harm to you than to anyone else. Our health and wellbeing is too fragile for that Broken.
Wishing you well!
Jenn

[Broken]

I did and still do feel extremely angry and this is what he saw from me initially. However, he also saw the hurt, the fact that he had totally broken me and I do think that it was *possibly* the hurt that made him realise how very, very badly he had affected me.

After our initial heart to hearts, which were fairly frequent over a number of days, it has been kind of glossed over, apart from the times that I have had little digs at him or accused him of yet again looking at some other woman when we are out. I definately need to reopen the lines of communication again, not for him, obviously, but for me.

Something that just came back to me. We went to do our food shopping a few weeks after I had found out about the porn. They sell clothes/undies etc at the supermarket and they announced over the intercom that there was to be a fashion show later that morning.

"No way are we waiting to see that" I said to myself, and fairly flew round the shop to keep him away from giving the eye to any models. I probably would have had a blazing row with him in the middle of the shop, so raw were my emotions at that time!

I do think that keeping the bitterness alive IS affecting my health. I'm not sleeping well, constantly on edge, though I do have another couple of big stressers going on at the moment as well as the porn thing

<<<<<< this is what I think of the Internet. Porn stinks big time.