DireStraits' Journal

[DireStraits]

I've never posted here or anywhere else about this before. I'm overwhelmed with all the reading and all the posts and different forums online for partners. I can't read all of this so quickly. I am overwhelmed.

Today, 2/2/12, marks ONE MONTH exactly that my husband disclosed his acting out behaviors (beyond PA), and with each passing day I learn more and more about how deeply embedded it is. I must have been in denial for years. What was I thinking? We only got married 3.5 years ago, but he's been lying about his "outside" behaviors to me for nearly 4 years, which means he lied right through the marriage vows. I know I'm not the only one... all of you have that experience too. But I'm like a deer in headlights.

I don't know what to do.

[Disillusioned]

DireStraits: This is your new journal! I have moved it to it's proper place. :) The post below by Disillusioned had a lot of important info in it, so I did not want you to miss it. So I moved it too! :)
Jenn
Oh and by the way! Welcome to TTF!


Dear DireStraits, Welcome to TTF, but I have to tell you that you are making your very first entry in someone else's journal. You need to go to partner's journal and begin your own there. You are still very much in shock and I am sure lost in looking around this site. I still find things out about it that I didn't know, and I have been here since last March. I am not of the born with a mouse in one hand age. Please see Trauma for SOs in the general discovery area. It might help you understand that what you are feeling is really fairly normal. It is terribly shocking, and you find yourself totally disillusioned as to the nature of this problem. It has been with your h since before you were, and has been gaining ground all the time you have been married. Let me assure you, it is nothing about what you have or don't have, or your prowess as a loving partner. It is about a man who believe the lies that p teaches, and P is all lies. I also suggest going to the general discussion forum and read the Mark Chamberlain article on recovering from PA. Both are going to help you. I am sorry for the confusion and feelings of being lost that you are experiencing, and I am glad that you are here, because it will help you with those feelings of being lost. We are a diverse group of people whether we are PAs (p addicts) or their spouses or partners (SOs= significant others). YOu might want to write your introduction in word, and then copy and paste it into your journal. If you hit the save button between your user name and password and login, you will have a little more time to put your thread into your journal before you are automatically timed out. Please join us, as I can see that you are hurting, and we want to help.

[DireStraits]

Thank you SO MUCH, JenMac. I am learning slowly.

[JenMac]

You are very welcome Direstraits! It does take time to learn all that is here. It is confusing in the beginning!
I want to welcome you to TTF! I am so glad you found us.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing DS. It is truly a traumatic experience. It can send us reeling for a long time.
DS, there are many here who have experienced what you are going through. It doesn't take your feelings of despair away, but it does make us feel less alone. I was so thankful to find this resource when I needed it most. I did not share this with anyone in my real life, other than a counsellor and that experience was not overly helpful to me. By being here and reading of others, and communicating with others, it has put me on a path to healing. I am so very grateful for that.
DS, I encourage you to visit here often. There is much to be gained from being here. Pour out your thoughts and feelings, your worries. I know that writing things out helps me to clear my mind, if only for a little while.
Perhaps your H is considering joining us as well? If so, there is a couples chat on Wednesday evenings that you are welcome to attend. There is also a men's chat on Monday evenings that he may find helpful.
I am wishing you peace today DS. Glad you are here!
Jenn

[DireStraits]

I'm feel like I'm going crazy. The crying won't stop, and it's been over 5 weeks since he "disclosed" to me. The shock is going to last forever. I'm still in shock, almost like I just heard it today. Nothing takes this away, and it's not like I've just been sitting in isolated doing nothing... I go out with friends, to dinner, I exercise, I work (when I can focus), walk my dog, share with those I feel safe sharing with, go to movies periodically, take dance classes... it's not as if I'm just sitting around moping all the time. Yet, I'll just be doing something or reading an article about this, and I just start to bawl and the sobbing won't stop.

I hate this. I didn't need this. I was focusing on my own stuff, going about my business, taking care of myself, doing my best to be healthy & not codependent, and then bam, I get hit with this on the day after New Year's Day, and my 2012 so far has been horrible.

And several of the articles I read online refer to "forgiveness," which just makes me even angrier. I am SO FAR from forgiveness at this point... the last thing I want to do right now is forgive this guy who I probably shouldn't have even married, especially given that he lied his way right through the marriage vow, so the marriage vows as far as I am concerned are completely null and void. I am hating him beyond belief. And the worst (or best, I can't quite tell which) thing is that Hubby is out of the country right now on a trip with his church group. I've written him so many emails since this came out, it's hard to believe there's anything more to be said. The levels of anger inside me are intolerable, and even though exercise helps (a LOT, which is why I'm exercising like crazy lately), it always comes back over and over. And my schedule conflicts, mainly work, have kept me from being able to attend a COSA or S-Anon meeting, which I feel I desperately need... just somebody to talk to who knows what this is like, or maybe has been in an even worse situation.

I am just SO. DAMN. ANGRY.

[DesperateHousewife]

I can relate, entirely.

[JenMac]

Hi DS,
I know 5 weeks seems like a long time, but I can assure you that the feelings you are experiencing are very normal for what you are going through. I too felt that this should go away much quicker than it did. That was until I determined that this had to stay with us for the long term if we were to move on to a good and lasting future. There was no making this go away. There was no downplaying of the affect that this had had on me, on my H and on our marriage. It was only once I came to understand that, that I was able to keep moving forward while keeping this in the forefront of our lives.
Anger is natural for what you have been through. Anger can actually sometimes give you a power that you might not have otherwise. I did not feel a lot of anger this time. I couldn't muster up the energy for it. To me it felt like the lesser emotion in all of this.
I am glad that you are keeping active and working on your own wellbeing DS. That is so important! The effects that this can have on us can be so damaging and far reaching, so I feel that even though you are still struggling, you seem to be further ahead in that regard than others who have walked your path. Getting swallowed alive by this only succeeds in damaging us further DS, so I am encouraged by your energy.
Keep coming back! It helps to tell your story.
Wishing you peace and healing DS!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

DS -
Actually, while it is no comfort, what you are experiencing is completely normal. I was so angry I spewed all kinds of venom in an offline personal journal, which if it were to fall into the wrong hands, would probably have me committed. :)

Sadly, there is no simply way to make it all better. I've been doing this dance now since 2009, and then he relapsed AGAIN fall of last year. Ooooo, I "get" the anger part alright. All too well.

The few comforts I can share are this:
1. Time (cliche, I know) but time does dull the anger after a while. Getting there can be a bumpy ride though.
2. Vent. Do whatever YOU need to get rid of the anger before it becomes all consuming.
3. Support. There are so many of us who have been down this road and know exactly the emotional carousel you speak of.
4. And lastly, emotional vomit happens. Even when you think you are getting a handle on those ups and downs, a moment can wipe all that away and ....*whoosh* it spews again. That's normal. Don't condemn yourself for it when it happens.

Forgiveness, if possible, only comes with time and commitment. Actions mean more than words. Words mean little or nothing. The only way for us to heal, if we choose to stay in the relationship with our PA, is for us to see tangible, hard evidence of recovery, and even then, sometimes it's not enough.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[DireStraits]

Yeah, "vomit" is exactly the right word for this on every level. I almost used that word earlier in my post but I was afraid it was too vulgar. Every time a new wave of grief comes out, it's like I'm vomiting up all the pain. I hate using that word because it feels so rude, but the truth is that is what's happening. I hate being consumed by hate. I don't want to be. I don't want to have these feelings at all, and I know it sounds like I'm blaming (believe me I am fully aware of my own issues and limitations), but the truth is I WOULD NOT BEING GOING THROUGH THIS IF HE HADN'T LIED FOR 4 YEARS straight, while I meanwhile am pathologically honest, and he knows it. I am so hating that person who I don't even want to call my H.

Thank you for your "listening" eyes.

[Crisodian]

Sometimes the truth is explicit. :) And calling it like it is, vomit, doesn't sugar coat what we experience. I've used a lot of euphemisms over these years to describe the ups and downs that come with this recovery processes. But really, emotional vomit fits the best.

The total and complete dissolution of trust that comes with PA/SA discovery, in my mind, is one of the all time worst to overcome. Our partners, husbands, or boyfriends are the ones we gave our trust to completely and, most often, without prejudice. When that rug gets ripped out from what we thought was stability, it's akin to the discovery of a rotten foundation under your house. Nothing feels solid any more and it's NOT our fault. It's not a wonder we, as SOs, feel so angry. We're dealing with issues that are not only not of our making, but that impact us dramatically.

First things first. Help yourself. Focus on you. Do what YOU need to do for you. Seek support and help for you. Places like TTF are a great place to be as there are so many of us who "get it". Your H has to be the one to show you or prove to you that he is serious about seeking help. With that, comes time and healing and rebuilding.

Now, that being said, only you can decide if you are ready and willing to go on the ride. There's nothing fun or nice or enjoyable about it. That is for certain. But, no one can decide for you what is best for you.

After my lengthy period of anger, I fell into a "what did I do to deserve this?" and "where did I go wrong?" phase. The answer to both of those questions when you are the SO of an addict is nothing. Coming to terms with that has taken me a lot longer.

Bottom line: You have a right to be angry. You have a right to express your emotions and feelings without repercussion. You have a right to heal yourself. You have a right to find your way through this the best way you can. You have a right to a healthy marriage and honest spouse. This may be "his" addiction, but it is "your" marriage. You have a right to set boundaries, limitations, expectations and consequences. You have a right to ask for what you want and need from your H to heal.

Another cliche, but...

Knowledge is power. Empowerment is even stronger. :)

Find peace,
~C~