Desperate's Daybook

[DesperateHousewife]

I despise cliches. They are so patronizing and lazy.

Here's one that is particularly bothering me right now...

"Love hurts."

Actually, NO it doesn't.

Love feels good!

Love is safe and warm and gentle and kind and comforting and soft and generous and beautiful and eager and delicious.
Love tickles and tingles and fills and swoons and embraces and spoils and sacrifices and shares and lightens and creates.

Love feels GOOD!


BERAYAL hurts. LIES hurt. REJECTION hurts. NEGLECT hurts. LONLINESS hurts. INSECURITY hurts. JEALOUSY hurts. INADEQUACY hurts.

PAIN HURTS!

Love doesn't hurt! PAIN DOES!

If you KNOW what you're doing will cause me pain, and you do it anyway, you are NOT loving me! You are ABUSING ME!

[DesperateHousewife]

Love-Hurts.jpg

This is what it looks like every time I trust you.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hello Desperate,

Welcome to TTF. Your posts suggest you are dealing with a lot of mixed up and painful emotions right now. I hope you find some peace for yourself and the time and space to work things out for you. TTF is a great place to vent, talk and receive support. I hope you find what you need here. It can be tough to begin with to put yourself out there and explain the pain in your life to others, but this is a safe forum and you can say what you need to say without being judged. The aim here is to work things through. I hope you have a better day today. CSN

[DesperateHousewife]

Thank you CSN. I am mixed up and hurting, but I do feel a little bit better today. I spent the better part of yesterday crying angry tears, bitter tears, sad tears, lonely tears, I hate him tears, but I love him tears, what do I do now tears, and I just want him to hold me tears. I think all those tears lifted some fog. Today, I'm going to get back to the iron and sweat some of it out. I won't let this derail my goals.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hey Desperate. Really glad to see you posting here again. We have all cried those tears, and it sucks. Your description of those different types of tears is so true, so accurate. I don't think I've seen another SO write about them like that. Kudos to you for picking yourself up and getting back on with your life despite all those tears. It is so tough to find the strength to carry on sometimes and I am so pleased you are still fighting for YOUR life. The one thing that SO's here tell each other above everything else is find time for yourself, do something for you, take care of yourself. It is the MOST important thing. I am glad that you are venting, whether it is here or in your tears. Please continue to come here and share. I promise you people here will listen, understand and respond. And we can relate and listen and support and encourage. Please, please, please keep posting. I know you have people here who want to listen to your story and help you through this difficult time. Hugs to you. CSN.

[waterlily327]

Hi Desperate, welcome to TTF. I am glad you found this site. It seems like you need the support that this community can offer. I hope you are taking care of yourself. That is one of the hardest parts of dealing with this addiction. Make sure you take care, and I am wishing you the best. Keep posting. *hugs*

[DesperateHousewife]

I know I am not crazy. I've always known I am not crazy. In spite of the constant insistances by others that I am crazy, I know I am sane. I question THEIR sanity.

I know other things too.

I know I am strong. I know I am intelligent. I know I am a force to be reckoned with.

I also know that I am painfully insecure, and I know that I am afraid of success more than I am afraid of failure.

I know I want my marriage healed more than I want anything else, and I know that it is going to hurt.

People say that ignorance is bliss, and that may be cheaply true, but in my estimation, bliss that is dependant upon ignorance is repulsive and dishonest and dangerous.
Trouble is, knowledge, of the kind we are concerned with here, does little to console me. It makes me crazy, even though I know I am not.

My husband has requested that he be free to tell me when he fails, and that his desire to disclose his failures to me are because he really does want to stop. I see how this can be true, but I know it's going to hurt, EVERY TIME. And I know it's going to ignite the storm of self abuse in me, EVERY TIME.
I suppose it's a matter of.... do I prefer the hurt of finding out, because he's hiding it from me (and the inevitable, scripted conflict that ensues and lasts for days before it is basically shoved under the rug for next time), or do I prefer the hurt of him confessing to me when he fails (which tends to feel like an assault)?

My biggest fear about it is two-fold; that the confessions will be frequent, leaving me bleeding, OR, that they won't be frequent, leaving me suspicious.

He'll be home sometime today and we'll be lucky if we can carve out any time to REALLY discuss this before he leaves in the wee hours of Monday morning.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

My husband has requested that he be free to tell me when he fails, and that his desire to disclose his failures to me are because he really does want to stop.

Desperate,

I am sorry you have to find yourself here, but glad you found this place since you needed it.

One question, you don't have to answer me, but it is good to think about and discuss with your husband. His desire to be open is good and an important first step. But, if it is the only step, it is just more of the same. What else is he doing to show his desire to quit? Counselling, twelve step program, accountability partner, membership here or somewhere, accountability software on computer, smartphone, etc, a real plan.... what is he doing besides trying hard and then telling you when he slips? If that is his only plan, yes its going to hurt, because it is hurtful and it is not a real plan, just more excuses.

I hope and pray your husband chooses recovery. You won't ever recover with him while he still chooses the addiction.

Take care of you.

[DesperateHousewife]

Thank you WONLM. I am trying to take care of me, I promise.

So far, there isn't much of a plan. This box has only been open for a week and we haven't had any time to discuss it. He joined this community a few weeks ago and told me about it this last week. He'd been having trouble logging on for about 3 weeks. He has been involved in other types of programs and counseling in the past, but I was never a part of it, and it was compulsory. Everything that went on within them was always a secret. I don't know...... I think that because he came here on his own, that he actually sought out a place like this, and that he wants me to be a part of it.... I don't know, but I want to believe that it is for real this time. I'm just a little gun shy about it all. I know how it's played out in the past, and I'm sick of doing the same things over and over, thinking that somehow it will work this time. A very smart man defined that as insanity, and I agree.

Do you know of any accountability software for smartphones? That would be tremendously helpful!

[Disillusioned]

Hi DHW,
Welcome to TTF. We are a mixed group of people and ages and even countries, but we all have one thing in common, and that is that p has infected our lives and caused pain. I don't know which of our PAs is your h, but believe me, it is so much better that he sought this place out rather than your finding out and dragging him here, leaving skidmarks on the way. There are a lot of PAs here with rundown shoes, even so, all are welcomed and cared about. I don't have the answer you asked about accountability software for smart phones, but I know some of our technologically efficient folks do, cause I have read about that in other journals. You will get an answer.
About listening to your h and his failures or acting out, I am in a different place as mine still just wants it to go away and not to ever talk about it again. I had to ask questions and pump and pull to get every response needed, and I asked a lot of questions. Jenn will tell you her counselor told her to be careful what you ask, as in some details make our recovery even harder. He is trying to come clean to you, trying to get rid of it all, trying to tell you so that he doesn't dare repeat what he did, as you will know the things in his past...that's where he wants to put them. If it hurts too much, tell him that you can't bear to hear it and would rather have him write it in his journal and you can read it a little at a time. It does hurt, I know, but to have asked and know how it was and have him not telling you makes you wonder is he still hiding things. Not exactly comfortable either. It has to come out. He's asking you to help him in this and to support him.
What he hasn't realized is that he has been dealing with the reality of his past for a longer time than you have. You were aware of the problem before and the promises made to eradicate this, so it is especially hard to hear of further acting out and be supportive again. Your support is not guaranteed to him even if you stay in the marriage. This is new to you, as far as further acting out, so you are in trauma. It might just be too soon to deal with the details now. You also have a recovery to work on, and many PAs don't remember this as they are in pain of their own. Your h just has to understand, you are grateful that he is working on this and recovering, but you can't hear this right now. You hurt too badly just knowing that it's been a problem again. You need some time to process this before you can hear more.
That said, keep reading and learning so you can work on your own recovery. Hard stuff, in that it has been brought into your marriage by a partner you love, have trusted and have worked through this before.
It is doable, DHF, and some of the couples who work on this, especially together, seem to have a new level of openness and closeness and a marriage that, is in many ways, far healthier and happier than before. It can also be done alone, but it is harder.
Sometimes when you get to the point that you are really happy again, even if your h is not where he should be, that happiness can be an incentive for them to work harder. There are also times when a loving SO gives up, as she can just not do another round of this stuff, can't take the disappointment and damage again. Whatever your thoughts or feelings, please feel welcomed to share them here. Many times bouncing feelings on your journal can lead to new insights, new inspiration, cleansing ventilation and a feeling of not being so horribly alone.
You are not crazy. P is everywhere and is more and more accepted as normal, something all men do. Please trust me. It is not. It is toxic and hurts everyone it touches, including the actors. It should come with a warning about being habit-forming, but does not.
It enters the mind out of curiosity and lust, allows a user a brief moment of relief and relaxation as far as hurt, disappointment and anger, and ends up making more problems. The only people who benefit from it are the purveyors and the profits are so huge that big business has invested in the p companies.
Hang in there, be kind to yourself, get sleep, get out and exercise and try to arrive at a peace within yourself. It's only taken me 5 years to get there, but then I only found TTF last March. Best wishes on your journey.

BTW, our loving and wonderful member Betrayed Family has an excellent topic of what love is in her journal. The answers are truly interesting, helpful and from the heart. I think you will enjoy reading them.

DHW would like a recommendation for accountability software for smartphones. Anyone able to help?