kc290 s journal

[kc290]

I am trying to start my journal

[waterlily327]

Hi KC, no rush or pressure to start your journal. Just take your time. Your journal is a place for you to vent, think, and get feedback. It is a healing place for you. Take your time, and just write what feels comfortable for you. I hope you find TTF a healing place.

[kc290]

I need to try to figure out what my boundries are. I want to put together my list of boundries but I am having a hard time. It is very hard to come up with what I wont tolerate after having allowed myself to be pushed so far. I am scared that once I draw the line he will just want to push it. Where will I find the strength to hold my line if I am scared of losing. I went to my first meeting yesterday and I know that my first step is to admit that this is unmanagable. But the idea of un clenching my tenous hold on my life and sanity is terrifying. How to I admit that I am unable to control this and still maintain boundries. I like simple and straight. This is messy and unmanagable. Does any one have any suggestions.

[JenMac]

I need to try to figure out what my boundries are. I want to put together my list of boundries but I am having a hard time. It is very hard to come up with what I wont tolerate after having allowed myself to be pushed so far. I am scared that once I draw the line he will just want to push it. Where will I find the strength to hold my line if I am scared of losing. I went to my first meeting yesterday and I know that my first step is to admit that this is unmanagable. But the idea of un clenching my tenous hold on my life and sanity is terrifying. How to I admit that I am unable to control this and still maintain boundries. I like simple and straight. This is messy and unmanagable. Does any one have any suggestions.

Hey KC!
It can be very hard to set boundaries while in the turmoil of all of this. It can be so hard to even determine what our boundaries are when they are being pushed and we are reeling from the emotions that surrround this.
I attended 12 step meeting for another situation in my life to do with a close loved one, and I really found it hard to figure out what my role was in all of that. I had to learn to let go and when the fear of losing that person is so strong, that was very hard to do. I am afraid I didn't do very well with it for a long time, but in the end I was forced to let go by the choices that person made for their life. Turned out to be the absolute right thing to do, although it didn't seem that way at the time. Once I was able to start to put the focus back on me, while still trying to be supportive of the other person, things just seemes to turn around.
I think the learning that I did through that experience in my life helped me immensely when it came to this experience. I already knew about boundaries and letting go, from both that experience and from the last time this happened in my marriage. I knew that I could not control my h's actions, nor make decisions for him. All I could do was to make decisions for myself and my wellbeing. So I was able to do that very quickly. Once I became clear in those decisions, those boundaries, it helped to settle me a LOT. I still did not make any drastic decisions about my marriage, but I knew I was strong and that I had determination for how my life was going to proceed. I knew I was strong and able. I knew I would get through this in one piece regardless of my marital status. I also knew it would take some time and that it would not be an easy road.
Take whatever time you need to determine what is important to you KC. There is no rush for this. Use this time to build your strength and to set yourself up for the future. Gather support around you. Gather your wits about you. Rebuild your confidence. Funny thing is that once you do decide what is right for you, it usually shows in your whole demeanor. We feel stronger, more able and our husbands sense that too. Indecision is very stressful, but allowing yourself the time to process and plan is not wasted time. While I had set my boundaries in this from Day 1 of discovery, and communicated those boundaries to my husband, I took months to decide if my marriage was worth fighting for. I purposely gave myself permission to make no decisions around that at that time. After all I was in the midst of a trauma, just as you are. Making no decision is a good decision to make at that time, unless your safety is at risk.
KC, I believe that this is a process. It is a process both for us and for our husbands. Just because your boundaries have been pushed before does not mean that you shouldn't have them. I know that until this current time, I had never told my husband that our marriage was at risk from this. I expressed my hurt and pain, and trusted that he understood that. This time I knew that I would not be allowing this back into my life. If he chose to go there, he was going alone. The damage of this is too great to my wellbeing.
KC, all in your own time. You will come to decisions that are good for you and that you feel you can live with.
I am glad that you are here. The support here can so help us during these tough times.
Hugs!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Hi KC, Welcome to TTF. I am sorry that you are hurting so badly and need to be here, and I would guess that things are hurting so much that it is hard to type the words describing it. As you have seen by reading, you are not alone in your pain, as many other loving SOs have expressed. I know how hard it is to be so in pain that your entire body is tight and stressed. If you know anything about relaxation exercises and deep, controlled breathing, please try to do just that. If it only allows you to cry, that is okay too. I know how hard it can be to set boundaries. I tried to accept some of what my h was doing in the beginning, and especially after a therapist told me that he might be using the things he was doing rather than having a real-life affair, but I couldn't. It didn't matter because even after we agreed, he went ahead and crossed one of the boundaries within a few days. I stumbled on a receipt to another p site that had been deleted. I wasn't even looking or checking. My h travels, so how do you set boundaries when this is part of your life? He would never volunteer and still doesn't. I had to ask, then he became defensive...round and round we went.
I told him you know what this is able to do to your real life, as in leaving him unable to perform. If you want to flirt with that, it's your decision. I did bring it up, and it was exhausting...and he did get angry, and so did I. He finally started an accountability journal in which he would record his own experiences and difficulties. Now, he hasn't posted since Christmas. At any rate, after he started this, he was looking a mag/rag beginning with M. He put it right on top of a loving note from me and never responded to the note. This mag has scantily dressed women everywhere and great articles like, "How to cheat without getting caught." I was furious and still don't often write him notes. He often writes me now. Back to the journal, he wrote in it, P is p...none of it is permissible.
He's right. So many of the fellows here start back allowing themselves to look at just such stuff and it re-starts the cycle all over again.
Sorry about the wordiness. Hope some or any of my sharing helps. You are okay here...you are among others who have hurt. Can't tell you how many times the tears were streaming down my face as I typed. Can't tell you how many times I wanted to swear and scream and put things in bold, huge letters with bright, angry colors.
You will find peace, for yourself, once you can separate from this. Even I did, and it will be 5 years this May. I didn't find TTF till March of last year. I am hoping your peace does not take that long to find. Good luck on your journey.