what to do now

[rettajane]

OK here goes,...I've been married(17 yr.'s)to a great guy who's a PA..many,many times I've accidently stumbled upon his porn files..once while my young nephew was sitting by me..the last time was recently ..I was looking up some new Granddaughter pic.s...&boom!!!
scuzzy=porn-kind of pic..staring me right in the face..well,he had to admit he was still looking at it.
He's lied to me about stopping SO many times, I've become emotionally numbed-so that the pain doesn't kill me.
It's difficult to understand,when someone has SO much to lose,that they can just become oblivious to the serious consequences of constantly feeding their selfish desires.
Do they even consider what kind of life they'd have,..alone,with the label,"anti-social pervert" -who cares more about endless free images of xxxsmut,that they could never have..a fake fantasy-only involving their-selves.
An ultimate statement of narcissism...&addiction.
...how about when their parents,their kids ,friends,&everyone they know & love,ALL hear about the choice they made...porn over a wife,..porn over a life.....porn over reality?
could it shame them into letting it go?
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[JenMac]

Hi rettajane!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry for your heartache retta. I am sorry that you are in this place and that your husband does not yet 'get it'. I have been in your shoes.
Retta, I am glad you are here, reaching out to others who know what you are experiencing. There is nothing like the support of others who have been there. This is such a difficult thing to share with people who don't know what you are going through. Society really does not know what we are dealing with in this yet.
retta, I encourage you to do for yourself first. Take time to determine what it is you need to help you through this. Coming here is a first step to healing. Setting boundaries will be another necessary step when you feel strong enough. What do you require from your marriage and from your husband? What is going to help you to move forward in your healing? Speak your needs clearly to your husband. Share what you are learning with him. This is all a process retta, but the beginning steps start with you and what you decide you want for your life. The pain you are experiencing can be staggering retta, but by deciding to keep the focus on you, you can move yourself on to a better place.
I am glad you are here retta.
All the best!
Jenn

[rettajane]

thanks Jen I feel your energy and comradery..you've asked some important questions-I need to ask myself..it's so difficult to express myself to him--so many times we end up yelling-I hate to argue,so I've pretty much closed up.

[Disillusioned]

Hi, Retta. Welcome to TTF. We are certainly a diverse group of people, but we all share one thing whether we are an SO or a PA, and that is that our lives have been harmed by P. Some of us have found it helpful to write what we feel rather than try to discuss it, especially when our feelings are so fresh and the pain so very raw. I have also found that copying posts from here and giving them to my h helped. If you go to the general discussion section, you will find an article about the 14 common rationalizations or defenses that many PAs give to justify their P use. I showed my h these and he only identified one that he had used. I used his own words and showed him examples of all but one that he had said to me. It will help both of you understand and identify the wrong thinking that is pretty consistent in P use.
It might also help you if you read about the actual changes that occur in the brains of p users. Really scary stuff. Why it is allowed to proliferate beyond any common sense mystified me, until I found out that the profits made by p purveyors are so large that the industry has attracted the investment of big business. Then, things became more understandable.
HH took a mag rag PB and made girl-watching a sport. Watch any sporting event and see what catches the eye of camermen. The philosophy of use and discard made it worse. Telling men they all need variety, when what all men do have is lust and we can control it or feed it, made things worse. There is a lot to learn and a lot to understand in what has happened to our fellows, Retta.
Good luck on your journey and please keep posting and reading, so you will understand what happened and how, so you can tell your fellow what you need, and so you can plan for what you want in the future. Some couples do heal, and when it happens, it is a wonderful thing to see.

[rettajane]

thanks for the words-Jen,I've got some reading,&writing to do.

[JenMac]

thanks Jen I feel your energy and comradery..you've asked some important questions-I need to ask myself..it's so difficult to express myself to him--so many times we end up yelling-I hate to argue,so I've pretty much closed up.

Hi Retta!
I know how difficult this is. I am sorry this tears you apart and breaks your heart.
For myself, there was very little anger. There was just tremendous hurt that knocked me to my knees for a time. During that time though I could see my husband struggling as well. He knew this was serious. He just didn't yet realize HOW serious. But Retta, I managed to concentrate on myself as well as be able to support him when he showed interest in doing what was necessary. It was a long road retta. It didn't happen overnight.
I can tell you that within 24 hours I knew that I would not live with P in my life. I could not do it. I knew it. I felt it with all of my heart. So I had to determine what I was prepared to do. I had to build my strength and gather my wits about me. No decision at this time. That is what I decided. Take time. NO rush. I was safe. I knew I could do what I needed to do when and if the time came.
I did tell my husband my boundaries. I also told him what I needed from him. And I told him clearly. NO guesswork on his part.
Retta if you don't feel able to share your feelings with your H, it is suggested that you write him a letter expressing how this affects you. I encourage you to take some time and do that. I found it to be a very good exercise. There is something about the written word that holds a power that the spoken word cannot. I also encourage you to in time share the stories of the other SOs here so that he can see that you are not alone in how you feel. I know that really said something to my H when he arrived here.
Wishing peace for you retta! Keep coming back and letting us share your journey with you. It can be such a source of comfort through these difficult times.
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[rettajane]

thats a great plan=a letter to my H..writing it down can be liberating.