Struggling

[nikki]

I met my boyfriend on a dating website. The moment I saw his picture I felt something, a pull. I wanted to meet him as soon as possible and when I saw him in person for the first time I knew I had to have him. What followed was the most perfect courtship, we went on dates to galleries, movies, dinners. He wined and dined me, we talked about our aspirations and shared a bond in our international and Christian upbringings. It wasn't until at least 10 dates had passed that we first made love and it was ecstasy. Having been in 4 intense and destructive relationships in the past, it had taken nearly 2 years for me to build up my strength, confidence and ability to enjoy life again, but he was worth it.

We talked about everything and anything, held hands and cuddled so affectionately, no matter who might have been watching. He treated me with respect and really listened. As the days, seconds went on, I fell more deeply in love with him and truly believed he was a gift to me, from God. How could anybody be so perfect, so ideal?

We were in his bed, falling asleep in the darkness, when he first whispered that he loved me. My whole body and mind went numb. I had never felt such a strong love for anyone before, it felt so real. We met each others families, I was going to meet his mother in May for the first time and had already bought a most beautiful red dress for the occasion. He told me I would be a wonderful mother, that he so wanted a committed marriage like his parents had, that we could maybe live in Paris together one day.

I really believed this is the man who would be the father to my children.

Four days ago, my world crumbled. He confessed a porn, sex and prostitute addiction. He admitted his fetish, for the past 12 years, was ************, and that he had such strong desires and fantasies for them that he had paid for sex on at least 4 occasions. He also frequented strip clubs and special massage parlours.

All those times he had been busy staying late at work, that he hadn't picked up his phone for a few hours. Had he been indulging these urges? Had he cheated on me? I had felt on 2 occasions, very strongly, that something bad was happening. He admitted that he would spend up to 5 hours at a time on this obsession. Where was I when this was all happening? Where were his thoughts in consideration of my feelings? He was aware that I have a long history of depression (bulimia and self harm have been recurrent, even in my adult life) for which I have been on medication. He knew, because I had told him, that I couldn't handle lies or heartbreak, that I was especially vulnerable and fragile. I told him that I couldn't ever be with someone who was sexually indulgent in any way, as my father had been addicted to Asian women, strip clubs and prostitutes, and I couldn't bear to have a relationship with any man who was similar.

Each piece of heart wrenching information came out, but so slowly. Each time I would hear a new revelation, he would promise me and swear to me that it was the extent, that I "knew everything", that I knew his "darkest secrets". A few hours later it would be something else. I learned that although he had a sexual health checkup, when we had unprotected sex (once we were in a "committed relationship") for the first time, he hadn't been 100% sure of his sexual health status. He had put me at risk. At this moment in time, he maintains that I know everything, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again, especially after hearing him swear what was a lie on the lives of his parents.

Was all this behaviour, deception, just part of an illness? Or was it because he really didn't care for me? As each minute passes by I am no longer falling deeper in love, but instead remembering all of the times when things didn't seem quite right. Acknowledging the lies.

After the first revelations came, he begged for me back. He said that he would do anything. I watched his face as he pleaded and saw no true desire. That night he let me walk out and didn't make any attempt to get me back. I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe or see, that I could feel pain in my chest. I couldn't help but to call him later that night and cry to him. I so relied on this person now. How could he have done this?

On Tuesday he broke down and seemed to have realised the depth of his illness. I spoked to him whilst he was crying in his work bathroom. I told him to leave work, say he was ill, and come to see me. I then made him a promise that I would stick by him throughout this process and aside from yesterday, I have spent every second of the day with him, making him appointments with my Priest and a therapist, taking him on walks, listening to all the gruesome details of his problem. I've felt in a daze. I've felt anger, sadness, confusion, very short bursts of hope and happiness followed by emptiness, moments when I've felt "normal" only to come back to reality and feel it all over again.

How am I going to cope with the deception? I no longer feel wanted, loveable or worthy of anything. I feel uncomfortable and pathetic in my body, I never really satisfied him, not like those images. I was missing something so important that those girls had. What had I been to him? Had he been using me to cover up, to try to be normal? He admitted to me a few days ago that he had never really wanted all those things I had wanted. He had allowed me to entertain the idea of marriage and children, of our being soulmates, of "forever". He never once stopped me, and on occasion he even prompted these hopes. How could he?

Right now it is 4 am. I had an anxiety attack earlier today. I have been up all night, obsessed with this. Initially I was reading articles on recovery, on the causes and treatments for PA. It then lead to wanting to see pictures of these people, to understand. Then I felt I had to find out which prostitutes he slept with. I then discovered even more email addresses (at least 5) and also his activity on at least 6 different Shemale forums. I felt desperate to see these images, and so confused. I am left feeling empty and confused, wondering why I have deserved this all.

I hope this post hasn't seemed overdramatic or indulgent. I needed to let it out.



Edit: 5 minutes later and I am struck with guilt and ashamed at how selfish my post came across. I do have the best intentions for my partner's recovery, I just feel so betrayed and confused right now.

Update: My partner has just texted me, after I emailed him explaining that I feel like I've been nothing more than a stepping stone for him. In his response he said he couldn't lose me, not now when he is finally starting to appreciate the "true love" that we have, the love he couldn't accept within his addiction. I am so frightened that this is manipulation, that he is offering me the one thing he knows I have yearned for. Or is it real?

[stillinlove]

Welcome Nikki,
That's what this forum is for - to let it all out. To share your recovery, not just related to him and his addiction, but to who you are, what you need to heal in your life.
You even mentioned it yourself, that it has been part of your upbringing. It's important to stay centered and take care of yourself. Hopefully, you are in recovery for your bulemia. Stay grounded, centered. Don't allow this to set it off. Then you'll have two problems. Learn, as we all are, here, to 'deal' with it, handle it, learn about it (as you are doing).
How you feel about him and his addiction, how you even felt after 5 minutes, is all natural. It is how each of us have felt, some still do.
Stay with us, read the PA forums to feel what the other side is going thru, and read the SO postings here to help you. Go to other forum sites for the transgender, etc.
Best wishes to you.

[SOHope]

Welcome Nikki,

Like stillinlove says this is a place to let it all out!

I'm sorry you have to be here though I can tell you TTF has been a life line for me through out my struggles.

I understand your concern and hope you find solace here and hope. This is an awful addiction that feeds into our heart, mind and body. The emotions we feel as SOs can make us think we are going crazy though we are not, it is natural for us to feel everything we do so please keep that in mind during your own recovery.

It is amazing that this can cause such great men to falter. Like yours, my boyfriend is 'perfect' in every way other than his addiction. When that monster comes out...look out. He's a totally different man. He has fallen many times since my first discovery well over a year ago.

Your guy does need to want to recover for himself and cannot do it on his own. This is something that he will need a great deal of support doing. There are so many ways to be helped, through SAA meetings, group meetings and therapists that specialize in s*x addiction.

My biggest thing through out this process is to take care of you first. Your history shows a pattern and perhaps it would be helpful to look into why. I just wrote in my journal the other day that I believe unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. I too have a pattern and am in recovery for Bulimia along with other addiction. It was a 15 year struggle for me before I went into residential treatment for months last year. Don't let yourself go down that road. Eating our emotions does nothing aside from causing us future pain, emotionally, mentally and physically.

You seem to be very understanding and open to keeping your relationship together. Do what's in your heart and listen to your inner voice. If you feel hopeful enough this could open a whole new world for you. Keep in mind that it will be a very bumpy road however.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[JenMac]

Hi Nikki!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry for your pain upon the discovery of this in your life. I want to assure you that all you are going through in terms of emotions and trauma are very natural for what you have been through. That is a very important thing for you to know right now. You are not alone, and you are not overreacting! This is a true trauma, much like grief and other life changing events.
Nikki, take time to care for yourself, to build your strength, to determine what it is YOU need. Supporting him is wonderful but don't allow yourself to get lost in the shuffle. Setting boundaries for yourself and what you can live with as well as expectations as to what you need from him will help you to gain back a sense of control for YOUR life. While we cannot control them and what they choose to do as far as recovery, we certainly control what we are going to do or be willing to do. Most important to realize though, is that you need to make no decision until you are ready. Choosing to make no decision is a decision, and one that we are entitled to while recovering from this trauma.
Nikki, I am glad you have found us. TTF is an awesome place where you will find many kind and caring individuals who know EXACTLY what you are experiencing. I hope you find it to be the blessing in your life that it has been in mine!
All the best!
Jenn

[betrayed family]

Hi Nikki,
Glad you found this site .... even in my darkest times... the caring support here never faltered.
Members here... "GET IT"... no explanation, hiding or shame.
We all have been assaulted by this addiction....
Welcome.... come here to be heard, to vent, to cry, to share... to be you... and we will help with open hearts, minds and arms.
Do 1 thing today, JUST FOR YOU...
Thinking of you.
Be Safe
Betrayed family

[nikki]

Dear stillinlove, SOHope, betrayed family and JenMac

Thank you so much for your reponses. It's such a warm feeling, knowing there are people out there who not only "get it", but can also relate and guide me through this phase. I hope I will be able to provide that same warmth to you all, and to others in the TTF community.

Since writing my first post, things have been unsteady. I'm prone to outbursts of tears and anxiety attacks, and periods of feeling heavy and empty. I'm feeling a bit more positive about everything though. My ex-partner is leaving his job for the next month, if not forever, and will be going to stay with his parents (he's only 26 so he has that luxury still). He will have to tell them all that is going on so that he can begin the healing and recovery process, as I feel the most important thing for him is a strong, unconditionally loving network of friends and family.

We've spent almost every day together now. We've thrown away his old laptop and I've put family protection on his iPad (the app is called "Safe Eyes"). We keep in touch via text all throughout the day, and he lets me know what he's up to or if he needs some support. He's so far managed to reveal his problems to one of his closest friends, which I feel is a huge step. He'll be seeing his parents at the end of the week.

He has told me that although this has brought us closer, emotionally, he cannot promise anything for our future. Because of the nature of his PA, trans-women, he also has a huge question of his sexual orientation over him. He may come out of this wanting to be with trans women or with men. I want him to be happy, but I would struggle to accept if he ended up with a TW. I use to think I was open minded but I just don't know how I feel about this. He's admitted to thinking about a TW whilst we had been intimate. The thought upsets me very much.

At this stage I will not make any decisions, but I wonder if the people around me would think me mad to want to stay, or to want a future with him. I'm not sure that I do, after the deception I've gone through. Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in, I can't really tell. I'm not sure if I should be angry now. I spoke to a very close and trusted friend about this and he seemed to think the PA is okay. That really frustrated me and confused me, and made me doubt everything.

Today I'm focusing on things I like, nails, makeup and hair - I'm a bit of a girly girl! I also have two cats who I adore. They are very cuddly and wonderful creatures. My mum bought me a voucher for hair colouring at a salon near me, so I'm going to try a new style this week.

Thanks again, SO's. x

[Disillusioned]

Hi Nikki, and welcome to TTF. I am sorry this modern plague has come into your life, and I am happy that you have time to sort out your feelings about the future. Please read some of the journals here and some of the articles in the general discussion area so that you are as informed as possible about PA. I'm glad your fellow is home and getting help and has others to aid him. That gives you time to concentrate wholly on yourself and what you need in the future. Allow yourself kindness like you have done above, with the nails, make-up, etc. One thing you must understand is that his problems have nothing to do with you, how you look, how you perform, how you compare to the women of P. It has to do with him, poor thinking, changing in his brain, and an endless variety of women in P. No living woman can compare to the variety in P. But no pixel princess, or dancer, or working girl can offer what you did, a real relationship. You were willing to give what is important. Your fellow was already addicted to fantasy. This isn't about you, Nikki. It is about fantasy. Take care of yourself, get some counseling especially from someone familiar with sexual addictions, and come to any decisions you make about your future from a place of peace and clarity. Please keep posting and reading here.
By the way, if you haven't already, it is imperative that you have a check up and make sure there are no STDs involved and no HIV. Sorry, but this is necessary too, for your own health.
Health professionals deal with this all the time, Nikki, and no one is going to pass judgment on you.
Good luck on your journey.

[nikki]

Thanks for your message, Disillusioned. All of your words brought me comfort.

Unfortunately, I'm posting now to report that things have gone from awful to unbearable. After finding him a therapist, holding his hand, coming to meet him whenever he needed me and cuddling him when he was crying...waiting while he attended his appointments, guiding him and reassuring him about everything...he has turned on me.

Yesterday he asked me to attend his therapy session with him. Things hadn't gone well earlier on the day as he called to tell me he'd spoken to his parents and that they said it's all "okay" and they are "liberal". This infuriated me. It's okay that he'd behaved this way, that he has caused me this pain? Clearly they didn't and still don't know the whole story. I told him my worries, because I knew that as long as his parents told him this is okay and his friends told him watching porn is "normal", he will never recover.

So I went to this appointment, and the person I saw opposite me was not the same person I'd seen the day before. He looked pathetic, cold, mean. The therapist asked us to speak, and said this meeting was important for us to get our feelings out before my ex-partner left to his home country (he'll be at the airport now). He spoke first. The next few minutes, listening to him, I felt a real pain throughout my body, like an explosion went off in my mind. He was saying that I was selfish, that I was "guilt tripping" him by telling him that I was feeling sad and low about all of this. He then said that all the times I'd felt jealous or paranoid in our relationship had made him this way. That the handful of occasions when I got upset with him had made it impossible for him to be honest. After 12 years of lying, the only reason he wasn't honest was because of ME?

He went on to say, in the most hurtful way, "Nikki I care about you so much and that is why I want distance, because I want YOU to get better. I'm worried you will never be happy in your life if you don't change".

I couldn't believe it. After everything, the blame was on me?! I had treated him like a Prince, I had treated him with only love and respect, gently and affectionately. He kept bringing up this thing about me needing to change, each time it was like a dagger in my back.

Then he went on to say that he needed distance from me now, because I was making it impossible for him to get better. After finding him a therapist and being there for him, it was ME who was making it harder. He said he had wanted to break up with me before in the relationship, but he was scared of how I'd react. How COULD he say that! How spineless! I told him he was cowardly and he admitted it, in a way that I didn't find satisfying at all.

I saw no remorse or love in his eyes. Just a look that said "I've had enough of you now, you've given me all I need, go away".

He could have waited until he left the country, let things fizzle out. He chose to end this in the most cruel way. He said "I want us to be friends one day". I laughed and said that would be impossible. I looked him in the eye and asked him how he could blame this on me, how can he have done this to me? Knowing I was vulnerable, knowing that my father's PA and obsession with women had caused me permanent damage in my youth. How could he not see that it was his own actions which thrust this upon me.

It didn't stop there. He then said "I think Nikki is in denial. She won't let me go, and I can't get better. I want to let go of her but she won't let me".

My blood was boiling and my heart was breaking. This was the first time in our entire relationship that he'd told me to go. Every day since this all came out, I'd asked him if he truly wanted me here. I could feel that he wasn't being honest. I'd told him to be straightforward with me, to let me know where I stand, that it would be hard to say goodbye but it would be better than feeling like I was "tagging along". Only the day before yesterday he had told me that he still hoped we could have a future together, that he could only do this with my help, that he was finally growing to truly love me and appreciate me and that he needed me to survive this. Suddenly, in front of his therapist, he was painting a picture that I am some awful person, making him feel guilty to get my revenge, forcing myself upon him, hanging around against his will. It was HIM who told me he still wanted me, I asked him for the truth so, so many times.

Perhaps the worst thing to come out of the meeting was his revelation, quite by accident, that he had never been tested for STD's after his last sexual encounter with a trans-woman escort. He had unprotected sex with me and has put me at risk. I have already gone for a check up but still need to undergo blood tests. He used my body, he used me, with no regard or respect at all. I now feel quite sure that he cheated on me. He probably wouldn't have seen it as cheating as it was part of his other life (he had a pseudonym and persona he used, an Italian man called "Giovanne", to carry out his exploits).

SO's, please tell me how I can recover from this?

[nikki]

One thing further, I think I have come to understand now, from talking to friends and his therapist, that he really was leading a double life. Everything he had achieved - university degrees, a great job, loads of friends, girlfriends - was a cover for his true fantasies and desires. He was just going through the motions because he felt he had to. That's why he never cared, felt jealous or asked about my guy friends, he has never been sad before when he's broken up with a girlfriend, he had no regrets in quitting his job at a top media company in a split second - because none of these things were what he wanted. He always came across to me as "perfect" and so normal because there was nothing real about the relationship I had with him or the person he was with me. He could be perfect, because there was no real emotion to make him human. There was no vulnerability.

"SIGH".

[Disillusioned]

HI Nikki, Oh, this is awful. I am not a psychiatrist or a therapist, but I think if you read about narcissists, you might see something that looks very familiar to the behavior you are talking about. They are often very successful people, but capable of such duplicity and lack of remorse.
You mentioned feeling that something was off, something didn't seem right. At TTF, we tell each other if something doesn't seem right to 'trust your gut.' Your instincts were trying to tell you to watch, beware....

You are in trauma, that is obvious, so I hope you are seeking therapy for yourself. You must follow up with STD testing and blood work. Please, protect yourself from further contact with this man. His own words at the therapist’s seem to indicate that he is no longer interested in the relationship.


He then said "I think Nikki is in denial. She won't let me go, and I can't get better. I want to let go of her but she won't let me".
above quote is from your thread, Nikki.



I don't see any other way through this. I am sorry you have been used and discarded. Please, believe me when I tell you the pathology is in the doer, and does not mean anything is lacking in you. Therapy may help understand more about yourself and your expectations in relationships in that you had four devastating relationships before this. I applaud you for taking 2 years off before attempting another. I am just sorry that this is the guy you ran into. After being run-through by such a man, you really do need to talk to someone who can help you sort through all the feelings of having been deceived, manipulated and discarded. I cannot imagine the pain and confusion you are feeling.

I know a narcissist can fool a trained therapist. They are clever and manipulative, to which you can now attest. Believe in yourself, and I know it is hard when you feel you have been so easily duped. I think your ex has had experience like this before, and you are probably not the first gal who has been used in this way. You mentioned other girlfriends in your journal. These men know what to say that will make a woman’s heart sing, and then pull the rug out from under them before they are done with the last chorus of the song.


Be kind to yourself, please. Go through the testing. Talk to a therapist, hopefully someone who is familiar with PA and narcissists. I think he will help you to be comfortable with yourself again. I pray for your healing and peace, Nikki. This is a modern tragedy and I am so sorry you got caught up in it. Please continue to post us here, as we will listen and try to understand and support you. Good luck, Nikki.