Figuring out how to heal...

[Leeluu]

Jen, Stillinlove, thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. You are absolutely right, when I get down I tend to just want to give up and sometimes I just need to be reminded that it's not the best of ideas.

I grew up with a severe alcoholic uncle, I watched how it ruined his life, how it's still ruining his life in his sixties, and how it affected his daughter. I know what addiction can do to people, to families. I grew up without a mother because she chose drugs over being with her family. So I have a rule. When things are tough I refuse to drink. My husband and I are not drinkers, not really anyway. We did indulge in a drink once in awhile before bed, though. A couple months ago I told him that our occasional drink before bed had to stop, that I noticed I was starting to not want to stop at one drink, I was noticing how well it was soothing my tormented mind. It scared me.

Last night we were talking about having a drink, I talked again of why I didn't want to drink, that I've discoved that when I am feeling not ok that even just one drink is not a good idea for me as one becomes not enough, I feel the slight fuzziness of one drink and quickly want that fuzzy feeling to get stronger and stronger till it numbs my brain. He was confused, didn't understand why I was too unhappy to drink. He had no clue what could be causing me to be unhappy. I mentioned I thought I explained to him very clearly just how devestated by all this I was. So he tells me he thought it was all taken care of, he has stopped so there is nothing to worry about anymore. The conversation pretty much ended there with me telling him that things might be taken care of on his end, but the effects it had on me were going to take a lot longer to fix.

Anyway, I have decided to take Disillutioned's advice and write him a letter. It has become very clear that trying to tell him how all this has affected me isn't enough, he doesn't seem to hear it, so I will write it all out and let him do with it what he will, but at least I can find some relief in knowing he will know exactly what I am going through. Maybe now he will stop telling me I just need sleep and everything will be ok. While I do agree a full night of restful sleep would do me a world of good, right now, dreams make sleep torture.

This weekend our kids will be with family, and maybe this letter will open things up enough to be able to talk it out this weekend, there are still things I need from him to feel secure in our relationship that right now he can't seem to stop doing and until he does the wounds will never stop reopening. I want nothing more than to be open and honest about everything, but its very discouraging when he seems to be avoiding it at all costs.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Leeluu,
If you put it in a letter and just have him read it, it make subtract from the depth of hurt you are feeling so that he does not feel so overwhelmed. That might lessen his negative reaction a bit and allow what you are saying to be absorbed rather than deflected by his
defense screen. Once that goes up, it seems we have to stop and allow it to be soothed and softened again before anything else can sink in. I hope it works out for you and I pray your h continues to move forward in recovery and that you are able to find peace.

[Leeluu]

I think I am finally in a good place. There is still pain I am working through but no longer seems to be hopeless. We had a very long talk the other night, started out bad but we finally got to a point where we were really communicating. He finally let his guard down a bit and stopped minimizing and denying things, of course, it was after I caught him in a number of lies, but who cares what it took! I know his denial and minimizing was coming from a good place, all he wants is to protect me from more hurt than I was already in, and a lot of his admissions did hurt, but what was more important is it seems to have also lifted a huge weight off my heart. I don't think he realized that by denying so much of what I knew to be true, telling me things I saw with my own eyes wasn't happening just made me feel crazy.

Anyway, I've decied to stop dwelling on the things he did, on all the things this issue took away from me for so long and most of all to stop resenting all his efforts just because I was dwelling on the past too much. I am no longer going to question his motives or the sincerity behind them. I need to finally see that all the changes are because he does actually love me as much as he says he does. I kept convincing myself it was just to calm the waters so he could get back to his activities as quickly as possible.

It seems a lot of tension between us has been lifted, we are more playful with each other again and laughing. I didn't realize how much I missed that type of interaction between us. For the first time in a long time I am thinking about him during the day with a smile on my face and in my heart.

We are going out to dinner tonight, it will be the first time in years we have done anything without the kids, I am sooooo looking forward to it!

[Disillusioned]

Hi LeeLuu,
I am happy today is a good day and that you are trying to go forward. By the time you read this, you might already know, your pain is not done yet. I wish it were, but it can come back and bowl you over at the oddest times. You can go out to dinner, dress up, look your best, be nervous in your anticipation of how it will be as you are still fragile. Things can be going great. He looks at his wife and his eyes say things you know that are in his heart, even if his words are awkward. Then you might notice him turning to look at another woman, and his attention lasting a bit too long...and then you can spiral down in less than 5 seconds.
He has the incentive to straighten up and feels horrible about all the pain he caused you. But he is still addicted, and it is a hard thing to live with and know. Hang onto every positive feeling you catch. Make a gratitude list, because we must be positive for our own survival. It is much easier when you can see your h making the effort to rid himself of this, when you can feel he is trying to make amends. There are triggers everywhere, for both of you, and he is in a hypers-xu-lized state from all the P. That part is not your problem, but it hurts you and wears you down. I hope you come home feeling a load lifted from your shoulders and hope for the future, but I also know, there is a lot of pain yet, that will have to be worked through. Things are never the same, but in some ways, they can be better. Good luck tonight. You deserve this...enjoy and let this be a celebration of YOU!!!

[Leeluu]

Today I feel like I truely need to express how much I love and respect my husband. With recent events regarding our son I was able to finally see that he is changing his outlook on all this. For a long time I thought his only motivation was to say and do whatever needed to keep the wife happy. Its amazing how open he is on the subject when it's not about him. The last couple of days I have learned a lot, so much that I think I am finally in a place where I can forgive. For a long time I thought I would never be able to, just move on is all.

When I applied filters to our router I was hesitant to tell him, I wasn't sure how he would react. I was blown away at how happy he was that I did that. He even told me he wished I had done it a long time a go. Even though he didn't come out and say it, I could tell he was referring to himself, not just for the kids sake. I couldn't help but feel like he was admitting he was helpless in controlling himself, and somehow that was oddly comforting.

I admitted to him I was uncertain about how he would react to me filtering the internet. He told me that he was happy I was doing whatever I felt I needed to do to feel secure. That he encouraged it. I feel like I am finally seeing the person I thought he always was but had lost.

Today I am grateful that I feel like I have my husband back. That I feel like we are finally on the same page with this, and that he isn't just feeding me what I want to hear. The last couple of days I feel like he has been the most open with me than he has ever been throughout our whole relationship.
　

[hopefulwife]

thank you

Reading that made me feel hopeful. Im so happy for how things are going for the two of you. Maybe we all have a shot at getting our husbands back.

[JenMac]

Leeluu,
I too am happy to hear this! :)
Isn't it nice when we can feel the connection returning?
I feel that Mac and I have come to so much a better place from going through all of this.
Without it, we would still be miles apart in what we believe.
From troubles can come growth. Isn't that the truth?
All the best!
Jenn

[Leeluu]

I've seen a few comments recently about women being told by their therapists or other people in their lives that it's low self-esteem or insecurities if she is not able to accept or understand their H/bf's P use. It's been on my mind a lot lately because I find it quite disturbing.

The labels: jealous, possessive, insecure have always had such a negative connotation to them that I have always strived to never be labeled as such. Not that I never had those feelings, I just never let them affect my behavior. Lately, I have had very little control over them being the driving force in how I react to things. I hate it, but I figure it can't last forever so I work through it the best I know how. I've allowed myself to accept that they are natural feelings to have, especially when it comes to someone you love so much that the mere thought of losing them is devastating. However, there are very unhealthy ways of dealing with those feelings and that is what you need to avoid, not the feelings altogether.

There was a time I could witness him innocently flirting with another woman and not think anything of it, there was a time watching music videos, tv commercials, or s*xual content in movies/tv shows didn't bother me one bit. There was a time I could go to a store or a mall and not notice anyone around me, only items that caught my eye, now I am constantly scanning for all the attractive women that are likely to catch his eye. Now, anything that has to do with attractive women or s*xual content bothers me a great deal, and I put great effort in avoiding it all if at all possible.

One thing that has taken me awhile to figure out is that its not necessarily my confidence level in myself that has changed, I have thought a lot about it and I think my confindence in myself is the same as it was when all this didn't bother me. What has changed is my confidence in him, our marriage and how important I am to him. I am not threatened by him finding other women attractive, its natural and unavoidable. What I am threatened by is that they matter to him, that they are so important to him he makes sure he never misses a chance to see any and all attractive women he can in all the different ways he can...in person, magazines, tv, internet...all of it. That it had become so important to him, that he no longer cared about being discreet with all his seeking behaviors. That he no longer cared how disrespectful he was being when I was present. He went from behaving in a way that made me feel like I was the most important person to him to behaving like I just got in the way of him and the ones that truely mattered to him.

So back to my initial thought. I don't agree that its low self-esteem or insecurity that leads to a spouse taking issue with with P use, and all the behaviors that come with it, and I think it is really disturbing to suggest it is actually the spouse that has issues that need to be worked through. Everyone has their own ideals of what actions/behaviors equate to betrayal in a relationship. There is no right or wrong, it is what it is and the other person always has the right to chose to live within those boundries or not. I truely believe it takes a very secure and confident person to stand up and fight for the the type of relationship they want and to know they deserve it. Looking the other way and making excuses for disrespectful behavior is the easy road and implies one doesn't think enough of themselves to expect more.

I guess this was just my very wordy way of saying I see the ones fighting to get all of this out of their relationship as being far more secure with themselves than I do the ones that accept it as just something they have to put up with. But then again, I could just be biased. =)

[Str0nghold2]

You should get the book "Every Man's Battle". It's a book made directly for this problem and is directed at married men who want to change. Personally it did help me even though I'm not married. As long as you and him stay the course to fight PA then you will succeed as long as your both fully committed.

[LikeABird]

What I am threatened by is that they matter to him, that they are so important to him he makes sure he never misses a chance to see any and all attractive women he can in all the different ways he can...in person, magazines, tv, internet...all of it. That it had become so important to him, that he no longer cared about being discreet with all his seeking behaviors. That he no longer cared how disrespectful he was being when I was present. He went from behaving in a way that made me feel like I was the most important person to him to behaving like I just got in the way of him and the ones that truely mattered to him.

Hi Leeluu, I just read this. It really hit home with me.This is something my Husband does. It hurts...