SOHope's Journal of Emotion

[SOHope]

So my first journal posting. How nerve wracking!

My SA b/f left Sunday for work. He is gone a week and home a week at a time. His travels sometimes keeps him busy though other times he has a great deal of time on his hands. This is the first tour he is on since seeing the CSAT therapist last Tuesday.
None of this seems real to me at the moment. I myself had been in denial for so long that when I found an ad he placed a few weeks ago I was horrified. I had thought he had stopped viewing p and was really on his way to recovery.
This of course was discovered while he was away and we ended up texting back and forth instead of having an actual conversation. His words tore me up inside. It sounded like he had finally made his decision...he wanted p and not me. I actually made arrangements to move back home which is 2700 miles away. We moved to AZ a little over a year ago for several reasons. I left all of my friends and family behind.
When I told him my plans he said he felt like an invalid who couldn't make a decision. Really? He was so caught up in his addiction that he still couldn't 'decide'. WOW, how small am I?
My first discovery of his behavior was last December 31st. From there it was promise after promise though the behaviors just got worse and the addiction escalated to the point where I should have ran away and never looked back. I always wonder what makes me stay, even now.
He has been sober since Dec 1 and his 90 day celibacy contract started Dec 6th at the advice of his new therapist. My SA mentioned that we could get intimate again on March 6th. Why does he care? He doesn't want me anymore anyway. We have a passion-less relationship according to his words. I am no longer attractive to him. My wise mind tells me it's just the addiction speaking though my emotional mind wonders if he'll ever be attracted to me again. Whenever we did have s*x it seemed like he did it because he had to appease me knowing I wanted to. We have had problems in that arena for a while with him not being able to perform like he used to and me having to do a certain thing in order for him to be satisfied.
I am sure in his eyes I am a strong woman who can handle this though there are some days, hours, minutes that I feel like I will break down and melt. One moment I am so happy and the next I feel like crying.
I even cried at church on Sunday. Seeing family's that appear to be so happy and than thinking of us. Everything is great...aside from the fact that my b/f prefers p over me. How terrific it is to be unwanted and made to feel unattractive by the one who says he loves you?

[Disillusioned]

For some reason, I posted two greetings to you, SOH. Probably got interrupted. At any rate, I hope TTF helps you find peace, clarity and hope in your life, as it has done for me.

[Disillusioned]

Hi SO Hope. Welcome to TTF, which is a place to help heal. We are all different here, and our stories are not the same, but we all have something in common, and that is we have been hurt by P, whether we are a PA or SO, we are hurt. P is all lies and deceit...and our PAs use it for the exciting, novel experience, the always availability, but also for something else, that they often do not realize. They use it to mute unwanted and unexamined pain. This is where the addiction is SO. They cannot look at or trust their own emotions, so they chose to mute them using a pain-reliever that they feel is secret and anonymous. In the end, they have multiplied their problems and not dealt with their pain. I want you to read the journal of a dear Friend. Her name here is Dawn 1952 and her journal is titled "Just when I think I am getting stronger." Dawn is a beautiful, loving person and would be a wonderful partner to any man, but hers is not available. He is lost in the fantasy and lies of p, and he doesn't want to be anywhere else, but there. He broke her heart a thousand times. She sees the good and when she removes herself a little from the pain of living with this everyday, that is what she often feels, the good parts, even though the bad strongly outnumber the good. She is moving right now and might not write back to you right away, but there is a wealth of knowledge in what she shares with us here at TTF.

I want you to know in your heart that this PA has nothing to do with who you are, how you look, your ability to be a wonderful, compassionate lover and partner. None of us, as real women, can compete with the gymnastics, cameras, lighting, make-up, availability, surgery etc. that is seen in women of P. We have work, menstrual cycles, wrinkles, pimples, weight fluctuations, and emotional stuff of our own to deal with. So, there is no way to compete. But what is real is so much more valuable than any thing on p can offer. The women in p put themselves out there for anyone to see. How can that compare with the love and commitment one of us feels for our man..the real thing. We might not be able to compare with the physical perfection and novelty that is p, but they cannnot compare with the love we can give in the real world, to just one person.
You deserve to be loved, to be respected, to be valued, and there is none of this in a p world. Please look through the journals here, and read and learn, pull back from your BF a bit so you can get some emotional clarity, and then see what you want to do as far as the road you take and your own recovery, SOH. An SO's recovery is said to take a lot longer than a PAs, and the PAs is not simple or easy by any means. The first step in our recovery is to recognize, that this is not about what we lack, but about our man. The second is to remember to take care of yourself. This is so important as our bodies and emotions are going through a real grief in the loss of a relationship that we thought we had, it is as if there had been a death. That kind of shock is hard on our bodies and our immune systems as well as our sense of self esteem, SOH. You must be sure to get enough rest, exercise and take time to eat right, as well as work at trying to find balance in your own existence. This is hard to do when you have been knocked on the floor with grief. I can tell you that a lot of us swim, ride bikes, walk, run, etc. as that brings oxygen into our bodies and helps release the terrible tightness and tension we have from not being able to change things in men that we thought were committed to us, but have been lost. Eating and sleeping right are important because when our immune systems are knocked all sorts of illness, infections and other problems can step in. Look around you and find one bright spot in your life...just one, and be thankful for it. If you have a friend you can be with, hang onto that friend and do things together... get out. You are still alive and in the real world and not living in a fantasy land. Get your own balance and then take a good hard look at what you have in this relationship and where you want to be. Take a look in the general discussion area at the 14 ways PAs rationalize use of p. Know the invader, P, and talk to your bf as an aware person. See if there is any possibility for change. In time, many PAs cannot respond to a willing partner and it is not the partner's fault. The PAs brain actually gets re-wired during p use and his body, eventually, may no longer function normally.
I wish you all the best as you learn about what our guys call "the beast" and make decisions that will be hard, but needful.
disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

Hi SO Hope,
Don't mean to hi jack your journal, but I wanted to make sure you saw this. It came in the column you started about a PA not being attracted to his SO and it came from Big Eyes. I'm sorry that I didn't realize that question was from you. I'm not as fast as I once was in putting things together. At any rate, I think Big Eye's answers might be something to help you, so I put it here too. Again...welcome. Hope you find all the things you need to help you begin your own healing, and it is a lot harder to do if your fellow isn't working too. Disillsuioned

From Big Eyes in the thread about a PA no longer being attracted to an SO. The thread was started by SO Hope.

"I guess I'll be the first PA to respond to your question / concern.

For me I was always attracted to my wife, but the porn would take away my desire to be intimate. Also, due to my addiction I was more attracted to the P pictures, than I was to a real, live in the flesh woman. Now if that's not screwed up.

In addition, I had ED issues caused by porn. I wanted to be intimate but couldn't perform or I barely could perform so I became fearful of intimacy. My wife could have interpreted that as a lack of attraction to her, but this would be totally untrue.

I only got better when I stopped doing porn, in life and in my head. I found that searching for information on "rebooting, porn and ED" helped me. Because of that information we do more intimate cuddling without the need to go further. This helped me even further. My wife likes the cuddles too I bet. " from Big Eyes

[waterlily327]

Hi SOHope, I am really glad that you have started a journal! Again, welcome to TTF. You are in a really tough spot right now, in your relationship. I am including a link to an article on TTF about the trauma that an SO may experience after this comes out. I related to almost everything on the list included, and found it helpful knowing that I wasn’t alone. Good luck, SOHope, I am looking forward to reading more of your journal. *hugs*

Article: Trauma to SOs

[SOHope]

Feeling much better after reviewing a few websites regarding the attraction issue. Wowza is what I say. It's amazing to me that the brain can actually change like that and ruin men's lives so much. My only question now is why would someone continue to do something that will only have a negative impact on their lives?! It's not really a question...I understand it's an addiction, it's just so personal when you have a partner.
I spoke with my b/f tonight and he has nothing to do until 4:30 pm tomorrow which worries me though he assured me that he's doing okay other than the morning. What an awful way to start out the day...with temptation. Yuck.
Very excited for him to get home on Saturday so I can give him huge hugs. This was his first week away since getting on the recovery wagon. We've been here before though I feel this time is so different. Him spending so much money in order to do therapy, group and workbooks say something, lol.
I had a massage today, it's something that I need in order to help me stay in the moment. I am in my own recovery as I went to residential treatment for 2 months early this year for bulimia and 'diabulimia' which I've suffered from for over 15 years. I believe that's why I typically have done well with my b/f's addiction as I suffer from my own issues. This is also part of the reason I'm so touchy regarding the attraction issue. I haven't been perfect since leaving treatment so I know what slips are and I believe that is what he had been going through for the last year. You really cannot recover until you are truly ready. I pray we are both strong enough to survive this. I feel our relationship is strong enough and our love for each other is evident. Man I love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't....more about that later.

[waterlily327]

Hi SOHope, I know relate strongly to your post. During our darker times, I often wished I didn’t love Rockinastorm as much as I do because it would have made everything less painful. But now, looking back, if I had not loved him that much, we never would have made it to where we are now. You speak of a deep, strong love for your boyfriend. I believe that, if you both work on recovery, you will find the same joy and satisfaction that I have. It doesn’t make the pain that happened go away, but it makes it more worth it.

SOHope, you are not the only SO here struggling with your own problems. I have been battling anorexia for several years now, and trying to support Rockin at times was detrimental to my health. Luckily, he was supportive of me and helped me through, but I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I did. Don’t let this addiction hurt you any more than it already has. If you ever need someone to talk to about your eating, please PM me. *hugs*

[SOHope]

Thank you waterlily. I know that I let his addiction get in the way of me taking care of myself though that is something I am working on with my therapist.
I was wrapping Christmas gifts for my b/f tonight and all of a sudden I got very angry and sad all at the same time. I am so angry at him for making me wonder if this will be our last Christmas together, making me feel like I have no security in our relationship. This last time that I discovered he was still looking at p and attempting to hook up through an ad made me drop to my knees. He was so deep in his addiction that he made it very clear that he wasn't sure if we should stay together. This lasted for a couple days while he was traveling. It ended with him stating that his life is better with me in it. However, I am deeply hurt by him thinking about us not being together anymore. He wanted to end things with me? What? After I had been supportive of him during all the discoveries and trying to help him find recovery. Who the hell would treat someone they love like that? Making me feel like I am trash.
I have never shown him my anger as I have a hard time expressing any emotion though anger is one that I cannot seem to ever express. He has seen my tears and disappointed for sure. I think I am more afraid to release my anger as I don't want him to know how much I hurt. I don't want to give him any reason to hide anything from me or make his recovery any more difficult than it already is.
I've been reading SO and PA journals and I must admit that they give me hope though scare me all at the same time. Do I want to live a life where relapse is only a click away? Do I want to be with a man that has paid for s*x while I was away from home twice this year? Sorry isn't enough anymore. No more talking the talk. I want action. I want him to care enough to ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling.
Honestly, I need to do more self work as I feel I have exactly what I deserve in life. Someone who disrespects me, puts my health in danger and betrays me time and time again. I'm so frustrated that I can't snap my fingers and make everything better.
And the monitoring of his computer, I feel like his mother. Perhaps he should find an accountability partner that could do it. Or his sponsor.
I know tomorrow will come and I will be fine. He gets home tomorrow from work so that always helps. That's the other thing, when I see him I just melt. Everything is fine when he's home. Our relationship is great in all other ways....or so I think. We have our disagreements though we have never had a 'fight'. I thought we communicated so well though he keeping his other life secret would suggest different. He states he's never been mad at me. Makes me wonder if I have molded myself around him or if we are just a great pair. I will think more about my words and actions to be sure they are my own and not an act to make sure I don't upset the relationship.

[stillinlove]

Hi,
I have also recovered from anorexia/bulemia. It was a great way to disappear from all the issues/problems I was experiencing through life. And a way to punish myself.
I thought I didn't deserve to 'be'.
I think it was Bradshaw's books that helped me and of course, facing the memories that haunted me and dealing with my past.

It's interesting, but when BE was in relapse, without even thinking, I lost my appetite and didn't eat. I think it was a combo of a strong trigger for something
that was hardwired and came unexpectedly and major depression from all that I was feeling about losing my husband to P. And again, it was a way to punish myself for my own behavior and having chosen a husband after all the knowledge and time I had gained that was a PA.
Once I got control of myself I was able to start my own recovery. And, even though he is quoted above, I didn't take it personally. It was more annoying then anything else.
And, all my recovery fell back into place. I believe that my being me again was one of the things that helped BE to be him again.
Glad you're here, it's a great way to stay focused on ourselves and learn from others.

[waterlily327]

I think an accountability partner is a great idea. Rockin had one for a while, and it took a lot of stress off my plate. We established a 100% honesty police, but I did realize soon that there were some things that were just more damaging to hear again and again. It was very helpful having someone else he could go to…eventually that just became his journal here on TTF, and that is ok too! A large part of recovery, on both sides of it, is setting boundaries. Figure out what you need to hear, and what will end up being more detrimental to you in the long run. Setting those boundaries will keep your emotions safer.

What worked for me was hearing about all of the big slips, but I didn’t want to hear about every rogue look, every fleeting fantasy…as long as he didn’t hid those away and opened up to his accountability partner about those little things, it was ok! Now, your boundaries might be very different, but finding what works for you is important! I strongly recommend giving an accountability partner for your BF a try if he is willing. It eased a lot of stress for me during the earlier stages of recovery.