SOHope's Journal of Emotion

[SOHope]

Hi Disillusioned and thank you for the post. I am taking care of myself and my diabetes, thank you for caring.
That being said, not taking care of my diabetes and using PF's addiction as an excuse would be as wrong as him stating that he uses P because he is unhappy in our relationship. It's about dealing with stress properly instead of using my diabulimia as a soother like P for him. Whether I stay or go, this eating disorder will be with me. Some days it's voice is sooo loud though other days it is a simple whisper.
I guess patience is what I pray for every moment I am awake now. I try to stay in the moment and not think about past or future thoughts. I continue to be gentle with myself through this. I realize it is a long, long road and I cannot close my eyes and wake in a different life with him.
I pray he does well in recovery this time and know I have no control over it. I do however, have control over my actions and reactions. My first boundaries were set while in couples therapy and they were reread at the end by the encouragement of his therapist. He agreed to them.
His mother texted me today to tell me that she is unhappy that she can no longer text her son. I was so very angry at the selfishness in her statement. She knows of the situation and she knows why he has given up his personal cell phone. She has to email him now which is just as quick for him to respond to, so I don't get it.
He left yesterday for work. At first it was decided on that he would not take his computer though he asked me if it was okay. I said he could, as I have a monitoring program on it and can track any bad choices. He is fully aware of it so we will see how things go.
I saw in his post that he is hopeful...those are great words to hear from him as he has been so conflicted for so long.

[SOHope]

I sit here crying, not knowing exactly why though know I hurt.
I have been trying to live my life thinking of only now, not the past or future though right now I am only dwelling on the future. I want my b/f to want me more than p. I want to feel loved, wanted and cherished by him. I want him to feel attracted to me.
How can a man ask me to move across the country with him only to wonder if he wants a future with me? When does the selfishness end?
Why am I so sad and not strong through this? He seems committed to recovery though he's only been sober for 11 days this time.
I read SO journals and see so much in common when it comes to our partners recovery efforts. They make an effort, than slip or relapse than again make an effort, etc....
Am I foolish to stay? Is he willing to truly put an effort into recovery and us? I can't stand not knowing right now. I pray that I come to find peace in this journey and just let what happens happen.

[SOHope]

I again have no idea why I feel as down as I do. PF and I are doing well. He's opening up and communicating about the real stuff more and I am sad when I hear the things he said when it's troublesome for him though thrilled that he now confides in me.
He reassured me for the first time a couple nights ago about the strength of our relationship and just yesterday we booked a trip to Barbados in May. Sounds like he doesn't want out anymore. I should have known he was acting out when he was confused about us.
He is doing everything I could ever want for him to do and staying within the boundaries we set. That's why I guess I don't understand why I feel the way I do. Does time help this? I know I still have work to do on myself. One of which is the fact that we cannot get physical and it's really difficult for me. I truly want to express myself in that regard and now feel like we are what he was saying before 'room mates'. We are intimate with touch and hugs and hand holding and I know that should be enough right now. We are taking our first swing dance class tonight. Hoping that brings a sense of newness for us both.

I have a job interview on Tuesday which is for an outside sales position. Completely nervous about it as I know I need a different job as I work from home right now and it keeps me isolated. This would mean me getting out and about again and opening myself to new experiences which I really need. This new position is for a competitor of the company I have worked for for 15 years this June. There are 15 of us applying so I could use all the prayers I could get:) I pray the Lord gives me the strength to interview well and give me the courage I need to succeed. For some reason I have always had a down right fear of success.
I have been getting out everyday for the last 2 weeks, whether it be to go window shopping or to the market. This has been helpful.

[Disillusioned]

Hi SO,
My goodness your world is around in all directions. P and the heartache it causes never seem to happen alone in your life. Life goes on in its daily stresses while you are still off balance from dealing with the trauma this caused. I can tell you exactly why you are feeling down...it is a reaction to recent trauma. There are no rose colored lenses in your spectacles. This hurt, and it can still come roaring right back at you.
I will keep you in my prayers, SO, regarding the job interview and the healing that you need.
You have every right to feel you deserve to be happy and safe. That is a realistic expectation when you are in a love relationship.
It should be a given, but in the day of this p plague, it seems even the foundation of what we have is not enough to keep this from harming us. It takes a long time to feel safe again. You have to believe in you, for you. That's the person you can count on and that's the person you must work to take care of. I'm hoping all goes well. Make sure you have something nice to wear Tuesday, and show that positive feeling you deserve when you interview. Interviewers have bad days too...they're just people, even though their decisions weigh so much for us. Hang in there....

[SOHope]

I realized today that I am truly depressed. I wake early than just want to nap a few hours after I wake. I admitted this to PF today though he didn't know what to say other than is there something you want to talk about. Is there something I want to talk about? How about you using p to get off instead of loving me? How about all the lies you have been telling me over and over for the last year? I am angry that p turns you on and I don't. P is like a switch that you can just turn on and I just don't do that for you. Well, no I don't know why I'm depressed! WTH?!
I have been nothing but an understanding girlfriend through all of this. He begins recovery, he slips, he relapses and the lies start all over again. Yes, this time will be different I tell myself. He's working so hard and is spending time on himself and his recovery. He's communicating and being loving towards me.
All I can think is now that he is so focused on recovery that I find it easier to focus more on my own. And now the emotions are so brutal they hurt. I actually started crying because I actually thought about how much I hated him today. Knowing I don't hate him though his actions....it didn't matter, I just said out loud that I hated him in an empty house. I can't believe I would use that word! I am the one who tells people that hate is a very powerful word and should not be used. What a bitch I am!
I find myself looking in the mirror and saying how the hell does he not find me s*x*lly attractive?! What the hell am I supposed to do? Get a boob job, have a tummy tuck, bigger lips? Forget that! I am perfect just the way I am. That is what makes me angry at him even more. How dare he not want me? He's been sober for 2 weeks and we have 11 weeks to go in the celibacy contract. I have to wait that long to see if this rewiring of the brain works? I want to be wanted! I want to be made love to because he loves me and WANTS me! I can't stand not knowing and what I really can't stand is the fact that I can't just live in the moment the last few days.
All of these emotions I allow myself to feel now, the day before he leaves for work. He's gone out tonight to a hockey game with a friend so I can't speak with him about it. And our deal is not to discuss things over the phone or text while he is away. Plus, this is all about how angry I am and I don't feel it's right to bash him. I need to pull myself together.

[widowgirl]

You are not a bitch, you're in pain.

It's interesting to me that the strongest emotions seem to come out once the thing has been confronted and the PA has fessed up. It's like we had them locked away up till then. So good to see that you know you're perfect the way you are. Speaking as a fellow eating-disorder sufferer (anorexia in my teen years) that is huge! WG in your corner and praying that the good Lord blesses and heals you.

[stillinlove]

While getting through these next 11 weeks and thereafter, cuddling is a good way to stay connected. If you aren't already, go out on dates.Simple massages,like foot massages (that's safe) to each other.
PA isn't about us SOs. We can't take it personally. It's good that you are purging all this anger. We were very focused on them, that when we finally have the freedom - all our own stuff comes pouring out.
We're all here to listen and comfort each other.

[widowgirl]

Yep, I suppose we would explode if it didn't come out, there's so much of it!

[SOHope]

Ladies,
All of your words mean so much to me. The fact that you take the time to read and reply to my posts softens my heart and makes me feel supported and loved. Thank you for that.
I'm feeling a little better today. Focusing on the interview I have on Tuesday and praying that it's God's will for me to nail it and get this position.
PF left this morning for work and will be home next Saturday. This is the time that I feel a disconnect from him though we plan on speaking on the phone each day. He needs as much support this week as I do as he has a bit more stress to deal with the next few days because of a work issue.
I pray for all of us that we let our light shine and that we all understand how important we all are in this world.
Thank you again ladies! You warm my heart and bring smiles to my face.

[waterlily327]

Hey SOHope, sorry it has been a while since I’ve been to your journal. I was just catching up on what you have been going through, and I am sorry that you are still dealing with so many ups and downs. I still go through periods of depression. You have been through a lot of pain, your world has been turned upside down. I think that the shifting emotions are a part of this. But be vigilant. Keep an eye on your emotions and if you notice you are staying down for a really long time, please don’t be afraid to get some help. The ability to ask for help is always a sign of strength.

As for his mother complaining about not being able to text him when she knows the situation, I honestly rolled my eyes at that. I am glad you and your BF sound like you have a good system worked out though. Best wishes, and take care!