Widowgirl Tries to Start a Journal

[widowgirl]

Hmm... never done this before, and I may be the only SO without a partner!

All the things I read in the other SO posts, yeah, I've lived them too. When my H was alive, I was so paranoid, checking computer history, watching for my husband's reactions when we were around other attractive women, and all the rest I don't need to list because you've all suffered them.

He died last year, and I know he repented of the PA at the end, making his peace with God. What he didn't get to do was make his peace with me, and tell me the things many of you have. I am so, so grateful for you! I know in my heart he was hurting over this, but he didn't easily share his feelings, and was brought up in a family where little white lies were considered OK to keep the peace.

I'm not angry at him, and we loved each other so much, but, despite all I've learned, the fallout from that PA is like a malaria virus- I'm OK for a while, and then some little thing will cause it to attack me with a vengeance!

What comes back to the surface is the huge, unhealed pain, and the doubt that I am good enough to keep a man interested. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to fall in love again in the future, especially given that P is so mainstream anymore.

Want to know something really funny? I work in a job where I meet lots of folks, and was actually "discovered" by not one but two of those creepy porn producers! Eeew. I wonder if even women who work in porn have to deal with this stuff. I have a feeling the answer is yes!

Hey, I did it, page 1!

[JenMac]

Hi Widowgirl!
So glad you are here! It must be so hard to be dealing with this after your husband's death.
I think that the same applies for you as for the rest of us who still have our SOs, caring for yourself is of utmost importance through all of this. Even moreso for you! Learn to nurture yourself WG. Coming here was a positive first step! You will find much support and friendship here from those of us who understand your pain from this affliction. It helps to know there are others who 'get it'.
Wishing you peace WG! May you find that at least in part here at TTF!
All the best!
Jenn

[Charly22]

Wow...your post is very powerful. It is a very sad situation, being stuck in this type of addiction, and not able to find your way out of it......society wants to dismiss it like it is nothing, but you and I both know that it is ruining lives, and keeping people from the joy and beauty that life has to offer all of us.

I understand the wound you are living with. It runs deep. But you must know that this problem your husband had has nothing to do with you and what you might be lacking. I can guarantee you that. I think most pa's would agree, if they were able to open up and be honest, they would tell you that it ain't got nothing to do with you. Yes, it effects you, but the problem would be there no matter what, and probably was there long before you. Please take the time to understand and know this. And believe it. And believe in YOU.

And I am glad that you have found TTF, I hope you continue to journal, and I hope the healing you need has already begun.

[widowgirl]

Thank you so much. I think I have begun healing just by joining you all. You're so right. very few who have not been there really "get it".

Yes, Charly, he had this thing when I first met him (back then it was magazines) and still... I know it on a rational level, but have to work to make it sink in that No it's not me! Always the mind is nagging: "Well, if you were sexy enough, you'd have gotten him to forget that stuff!" It sure doesn't get easier as one gets older, either; more little ways to doubt oneself.

It will be an ongoing battle, and I'm happy to be in good company!

[widowgirl]

Hmm... going down memory lane today, to the first time I went to his house. He was a few years older than me, and seemed so much more grown up. I was shocked when I saw the stack of magazines on his nightstand, but hey, this was the Sexual Revolution, and popular culture was saying this was good, healthy sexual expression and I should accept it. My gut said otherwise, but not to worry, we are in love and have eyes only for each other. He'll soon throw it out!

And there, the trouble started... I write this just to hammer it into my thick head that this problem was around before I was, and had nothing to do with me getting older or being away too much.

[widowgirl]

"You are so pure and good like a little angel"

"But I don't want to be on a pedestal. I want to make you happy. I have never said no to you, and I'd do the things those women are doing if you'd ask me. Would you like me to get a boob job for you?"

"Hell no, what a disgusting notion! I love the way you are".

"If so disgusting, then why do you MB to it?"

Damn having a down day. I feel like a little plaster angel, or worse, an economy car, useful but not exciting. Do many men keep doing this stuff because there is "the kind you marry and the other kind you have fun with?" Trying to sort that out. I wanted to be both to him, always kept myself looking good (never went for that surgery, thank God) and never refused him, but he always kept his deepest desires hidden. Lord please help me remember it had nothing to do with our relationship!

[Devastated2]

I'm sure most of us can relate to what you've written here. You have summed up those feelings do perfectly. I know it had nothing to do with you just as my h's PA had nothing to do with me. Still, the feeling you express here are hard to desk with when they come.

"You are so pure and good like a little angel""But I don't want to be on a pedestal. I want to make you happy. I have never said no to you, and I'd do the things those women are doing if you'd ask me. Would you like me to get a boob job for you?""Hell no, what a disgusting notion! I love the way you are". "If so disgusting, then why do you MB to it?"Damn having a down day. I feel like a little plaster angel, or worse, an economy car, useful but not exciting. Do many men keep doing this stuff because there is "the kind you marry and the other kind you have fun with?" Trying to sort that out. I wanted to be both to him, always kept myself looking good (never went for that surgery, thank God) and never refused him, but he always kept his deepest desires hidden. Lord please help me remember it had nothing to do with our relationship!

[Devastated2]

*hard to deal with* sorry. My phone is autocorrecting a lot tonight.

[Isaac]

Widowgirl –

Sorry to hear you're having a down day. Of course I don't know what this addictive experience was like for your late husband, but for me, my affair with p has been much more deep-seated than separating “marrying” women from "fun" women.

Looking at p for me always involved feelings of disgust and "dirtiness" about myself. My first experience with p was when I was about 8 years old. I found a deck of playing cards with n*** photos, that my father kept hidden in a box on the highest shelf of his closet. I remember how ashamed I felt about being excited by the photos, and also how scary the prospect of getting caught with them was. I even remember trying to resist the temptation of sneaking up to take the cards out of the box when he was at work and my mother was busy somewhere else in the house.

I never thought about the women in the p as people. I would not have been interested in meeting any of them in person or having relationships with any of them. Not because I felt "better" than them, but because of how threatened I would have felt by how comfortable I imagined they must be with what they were doing. Not until later in my life - during periods of sobriety - did I learn how these women are victimized by the s** industry, and how the vast majority of them were also s******* victimized as children.

My excitement and desire had nothing to do with preferring them to my girlfriend or wife, even when only thinking about s**. With the p, I imagined myself as the lover I never was, or imagined I could have been in real life. It was by no means a coincidence that all the s***** activity between the images on paper or screen was totally in my imagination, and in my imagination I could feel s******* "competent," in a way that I did not feel in real life.

I'm finding this difficult to describe in words, and hope it is clear that I’m not seeking to rationalize my behavior in any way, but to let you see that in my case, it was the excitement of forbidden fantasy over reality, and was not at all about dissatisfaction with my w, but rather dissatisfaction with me! And indeed, the whole thing was about me, me, me, and only me. Me escaping pain, me feeling a rush of excitement and fear - me, me, me. And no thoughts about anyone else, much less their feelings.

When I was in individual therapy as well as couple therapy with my late w about this, I was completely shocked at how much pain my behavior caused her, and how inadequate she felt about herself as a result of my affair with p. I was shocked, not because her feelings didn’t make sense, but because I had never taken the time to think about how my behavior would affect her feelings about herself and our relationship. I had to learn from her the impact it had on her, which is so similar to what you've been describing in your posts. I’m feeling sadness, and am grateful your posts are reminding me, and strengthening my resolve to be sober and respectful.

I have no idea if this makes any sense to you, but I wanted you to hear from me, that even when I was most deeply into p, I never for an instant wanted to “be” (s******* or otherwise) with any of the women in the images, much less "preferred" them to my w.

Sadly, what was most attractive and appealing about them was that to me they were only “images,” and not real people with whom I would have had to interact - physically, intellectually and/or emotionally. Thank you for being here, and blessings to you in your healing.

Isaac

[waterlily327]

Hi WidowGirl, once again, I am very glad you found TTF. The healing process takes time…a lot of time. Even if you not actively dealing with p*** and secrets now, the residual effects, the trauma, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. I think it is excellent that you realize that your H’s problem with p*** started before you. It was never your fault, it was never because you “weren’t good enough”…it is an addiction. I have to say, I love your quote saying that you felt like “an economy car, useful but not exciting”. I have felt that same exact way, feeling like I was there because he needed someone physical, someone to support the emotional side, someone to give him a hug after a long day…but that I wasn’t what he really wanted, just convenient. It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? I still feel that way sometimes, but that feeling has decreased as the healing process has become more real for me. I hope you don’t feel like that often! Reading through the PA recovery journals here really helped open my eyes to how addictive this behavior is. I suggest you take some time to read there, because even though I knew that this addiction was deep seeded, it didn’t hit home until I could read other’s words saying what they had gone through. Honestly, at that time, I felt like “well, they have no reason to lie to me…what they’re saying must be true then…maybe it isn’t as easy as just walking away…”. Best of luck here WG, I hope that you will write often and that you are doing well!