Hello

[sunshine79]

I met my boyfriend in July 2010. I had ended a bad marriage and started dating again. Things were nice at first. About 3 months into our relationship I noticed P in the history of his computer. I was really upset and cried and told him it was very hurtful...he apologized and said he didn't know I felt that way and wouldn't do it again. I just always had this feeling (even before I found that) that something was off. He would be excited about us then want to break up because we were "too different" or because I am not strict enough (in his eyes) with my son (I am a single mom). Well after back and forth he wanted us to move in together (my son also) he said he would pull away because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to provide for us (which I didn't understand because I work full time) so at the end of March 2011 we moved in together. I moved myself and my son 30 miles away so we could all live together. Three days after we moved in my mom passed away...I was heart broken. Over the next few months I really knew in my gut something was wrong. I never got a happy hello, a kiss or hug, there was no conversation of any worth...I felt alone! In July it all came to a head. We were in a txt arguement at work and he finally said I like having s-x w you, I like P and I like MB...I was absolutely floored. When I got home he admitted that he was looking at it on his computer. At that time I was working two jobs he was working less than full time and going to school one day a week. The pain that I experienced was the worst ever...my body was practically in convulsions, my stomach in knots, it felt like someone had took a knife and cut from my chest down to my stomach. I was crying so hard and I got the "I think your making way to big a deal of this" and "we just have different opionions on this"...blah, blah, blah. I guess he had a change of heart and the next day said he wouldn't look at it again. I was so in shock I didn't know what I was doing...I didn't know what to think...I didn't know this exsisted. Less than a week later I accidently found where he had viewed it on my computer just the day before. He was at work. I immediately called him and let him know and told him I was taking myself and son to my step dads. So off we went. Then the apologies came along with the I have a problem...blah blah blah. I ended up going back to him...he promised to go to counseling. Of course after a week or so he said he wasn't going to counseling because he didn't need it...blah, blah, blah. Things were ok for a while but the gnawing suspision in my stomach was killing me inside...I didn't know this person...how could he let me move myself and my son 30 miles away and then do this to us????? I began my own counseling...the pain and confusion was too much to bear. He never talked about anything and I mean anything...was there children in the things he was looking at? Has he ever paid for s-x??? I didn't know and I needed to. I sent him a long email asking questions and telling him how I was feeling...he ignored it. There was a concert on a Thursday night...I didn't want to go to (I had to work in the morning) I told him to just sell the tickets (he got them for free) he said no. The morning of the concert came and he had not said who he found to go with. I looked at his phone and what I found hurt like hell...he was going with some girl...who i never heard of. I was angry...long story short he stayed at his parents becuase I looked at his phone...what a horrible rollercoaster. He came back...a little time went on. I still knew things were not right...we were barely talking, there was no intimacy, no affection, NO EMOTION. I took my son to the book store on a Sunday morning and returned, bf was in the kitchen and I walked by his computer and happend to look at the screen as he raced over to it...and low and behold what was on the screen. I leaned down and looked at him and said "your done" I sent my son to his room (he didn't see anything...thank goodness) and I called my stepdad...we went there. I felt great being away...I felt alive, I felt like a person. BF sent me an email saying he has never been as dishonest in a relationship with any woman as he has with me since high school ( I also found out he had been self medicating with pot also...another no no on my list), and all this other crap, he doesn't deserve me and my son...blah, blah, blah. After 4 days being away I went back to talk to him. He said we would go to counseling and he would get software to put on his computer...he hated what P had done to his life. We went back. I put a blocker on all computers and blocked any adult or MA rated shows/movies on the TV's. He tried to get me to not go to the first counselor appt. but I insisted...which was a complete let down and he ended up telling me he didn't want me to go to the appt in the first place...at which time I left the room. That was 2-3 weeks ago. Things were really good for about a week. One evening he called my son (8 yrs old) a baby...I was very upset and asked him not to use that word...he got upset and gave me the silent treatment...fun. This week he got mad at me because he can't watch some of his recorded shows and/or movies because of the TV block and gave me the silent treatment. I told him that I am not changing it and if he doesn't like it he knows where the doors is. He didn't come home last night and is threatening not to pay his portion of the rent if I don't give him the password to his computer. (Background: the apartment is in my name (he has a felon - I know, I know...I can pick'em and I cannot afford the rent on my own). As of right now he is supposed to start moving his things out this weekend (he is still responsible for his portion of Dec & Jan rent plus two months to buy-out of the lease...hope that makes sense). I just can't do this anymore. Is it worth getting evicted from my apartment so I can rid him of my life for good and get my son and I back to our hometown? (BTW my son absolutely adores him) I am a single mom, though I have a college degree I don't make nearly enough money and I can't tell you the last time I got a child support check (that's for a different chat ). I am hurt, angry, fed up, exhausted, tired of coming in last to P, MB, NFL, fantasy football...seriously! Sometimes I do laugh because it just seems too made up to be real. I know this post is all over the place... I guess it's just everything that's built up over the months that is trying to come out all at once...LOL! Thanks for listening

[JenMac]

Sunshine,
Just a quick hello to welcome you to TTF. You have come to the right place.
I hope to answer you in length later but wanted to ensure you felt welcome.
We can't answer all your questions for you Sunshine, but we can offer you support and guidance through our own experiences and learning.
TTF is a blessing Sunshine!
I am glad you are here!
All the best!
Jenn

[Devastated2]

Hi Sunshine and welcome to TTF. Im sorry you have to be here, but you will find some wonderful people here ready to help you through this tough time.

[waterlily327]

Hi Sunshine, and welcome to TTF! I am very glad that you found this site. It has been such as helpful, supportive place for so many. You are in a very tough situation right now. I suggest reading through many of the journals here. Some SO’s have decided to stay, other’s have decided to leave. Either way, they have found support here.

The most important thing is that you take care of yourself through this journey! Your story may share similarities with those you read here, but remember that this is your life, and in the end only you can make the best decision for yourself and your son.

I do want to point out that if your boyfriend isn’t ready to change, nothing you do or say will impact that. I had a hard time accepting that until I started reading through the recovery journals and realized how much of an addiction this really is. If your goal is to save your relationship, you need to be open with him. Honesty is difficult, especially when you are hurt and fragile, but a relationship is still a two-way street. Many SO’s have written letters outlining their emotions to their PA’s. For me, sitting down with long conversations was the best approach. Again, you will find what works for you.

And by the way, your post makes perfect sense…most of us have been through something similar, so you didn’t sound like you were “all over the place”! Best of luck, and keep posting!