The Walking Wounded: A SO's journey

[waterlily327]

Hi Raining, I want to extend a belated welcome to TTF. I am glad your found this incredible support system at a time when you needed it. Your posts are extremely powerful, bringing me back to the earlier interactions after our “D-day”. Raining, I want to let you know that it does get better. The overwhelming pain you are experiencing right now does not last forever. There are many ups and downs in this recovery, and no two stories are the same. But we are all here, all fighting against this horrible addiction, all fighting for our relationships and (most importantly) for ourselves. As an SO, you will be going through a recovery, just as the addict needs to recovery. As an SO, the most important advice I got when starting here was: learn to take care of yourself! Even if that means doing only one small thing for yourself each day, it is a start.

Don’t rush into anything. If I have learned anything from this journey, putting those “quick fixes” or “band-aids” on the problems may be tempting, but doesn’t allow for much forward progress. For my relationship, those “quick fixes” left me feeling discouraged, depressed, and hopeless more often than not when they didn’t last.

Raining, you will discover what works best for yourself and your husband. I am sorry that you are still in that touchy, emotionally draining period after “D-day”. Your writing style is so raw, so honestly beautiful , and I can see it has already touched many here (including myself). Keep posting, and remember to take care of yourself, Good luck with everything, Raining, I am wishing you and your husband a healthy recovery.

[Hipparchia]

Hello Raining
I recently read an academic study by Anna Bridges that has been carried out fairly recently. She found that 35 (37%? - I don't remember exactly) of women are deeply distressed by their partner's porn viewing - increase that figure for women who are married rather than just dating, increase that figure again for women who have been married for longer periods of time, increase that figure again for women who perceive their partner's use was more than very occasional, but had become habitual - until - I wish I could do the statistics in her academic paper, but I can't - but certainly the majority of women in longer term, marriages with partners who view, or have viewed consistently are very distressed by their partners' p. Bridges calls this a new and serious psychological problem that needs urgent attention -

So you are not an exception - the more you care about your partner and your marriage, the more it hurts. You say that he thinks you are over-reacting, should move on and get over it etc. etc. I had the same issues with my H and the first time around with all of this and we were talking only a couple of days ago with me saying, yet again, that I feel he thinks I am unusual in reacting badly and so on. I think our Hs find it very difficult to take responsibility for their actions - society, male macho culture, the p. sites themselves can reassure them that it's harmless, guys' stuff, even if they feel uneasy. But your distress breaks that spell, it makes them feel bad, feel shame; extremely uncomfortable emotions. In the end, the first time around, I left home for a few weeks and rented a room - my children are grown and left home, and I could afford to - I know it's not an option for many. But it broke the kind of stale-mate situation we'd got in to, forced him to take responsibility, to look the issue square in the eye. It takes a lot of strength to stay firm and to insist that they take responsibility when they are so resistant.

I hope my message is helpful

Hipparchia

[raining on the inside]

Again, thank you all so much for all of your comments ad support. They have all been very helpful to me. Finding this forum has been such a great thing for me. I wish I had found it earlier.

Another entry to my journal...

I sometimes feel like I am going crazy. My brain wants to do its own thing and I feel powerless to resist. It’s racing all of the time. Negative thought after negative thought. I try to challenge these thoughts and not let my brain get away from me. But no such luck. My H and I just got back from his sister’s wedding at a tropical beach resort. This should have been a wonderful opportunity to relax, reconnect with my H and enjoy myself. But life for me just isn’t that easy at this point. I have become paranoid. Hypervigilant to a fault. I am constantly scanning everyone and everything around me. At the airport, at the resort, even on TV in my own living room. Where are the attractive women? Or the women with skin showing? The women with nice bodies? The magazine cover that’s a little racey? And once I’ve located them, my attention then turns to my H. Did he notice them? Did he look at them? Is he having urges as a result? What is he thinking about? But I don’t ask and often I can’t tell. I’m too anxious to hear his answers. So I hold it in and smile like everything is o.k. Everything is not o.k. Not even close.


This beautiful resort turned into a nightmare for me. Attractive women in their beach attire everywhere. My eyes were all over the place, scanning, watching, making myself sick over it. One night there were “Tropical Dancers” for the evening “entertainment”. There is no exaggeration when I say that we might as well have been at a strip club for a bachelor party. It was horrifying. The main dancer had the body that I know my H is most attracted to…the lean but athletic type. So beautiful. And so close to us. I could have reached out and touched her almost naked body. We were with his family so I didn’t feel comfortable picking up and leaving. What do I give them for a reason? So I sat there getting sicker and sicker. By the end I was barely able to breath, my anxiety had taken such control over me. I couldn’t look at my H, I couldn’t handle seeing him watching her. Seeing him lust after her. Despite my paranoia, I had felt relatively decent up until this point. I had decided I would put his PA on the back burner for a few days so we could enjoy this event. My H so wanted this. I wanted this. But I couldn’t do it. We left the dancing and I broke down. Instead of sitting on the beach looking at the stars enjoying my H’s company, I cried and couldn’t bear having him touch me. This feeling lingered for the remainder of the trip.

Now we are home and back to our normal day to day life, and I am feeling overwhelmed with the same thoughts and feelings as when his most recent relapse was disclosed. It sometimes feels like just yesterday. I sometimes feel like I’ve made no progress at all in moving forward. I’m just paralyzed. I started therapy last week with a woman who specializes in PA. I went today for the second visit. I talked about my H’s PA and my experiences as a result of that, and it was like I was talking about someone else’s life. I was totally numb. She told me that I am taking on too much responsibility for my H’s recovery process. It is me who initiates communication about where he’s at with the PA. I remind him to write in his P journal. He wants me to do these things. She says he’s leaning on me too much and he needs to take the reigns. I’m afraid that he won’t. And I’m just so afraid of more hurt that I can’t seem to help myself. For the last couple of years I feel like I have stepped into the role of therapist with him. On one hand this is easy for me, as I am a therapist by profession. On the other hand, it’s the worst thing I could be doing for myself, as I am completely emotionally invested in him, our relationship and our family. My therapist said that I need to step back and try to stop taking control of his recovery. That I can’t be his therapist. He started with one a few weeks ago… but I still can’t resist. I am constantly seeking more and more information from my H about his PA and behaviors that have gone along with this. There is a part of me that believes that if I can put all of the pieces together I can make sense of it all. But another part of me knows that no matter how many answers I get from him I will never be able to make sense of what has happened. My therapist agrees. This makes me feel very vulnerable. I haven’t begun to believe in him yet. I don’t yet believe that this is it. I want to believe in him and I know he needs me to believe in him but I just can’t. Internally I think I am already starting to prepare for another relapse. Another devastation. These thoughts torture me. I feel like this will always torture me. I will always be on high alert. It is so emotionally draining. But I can’t seem to escape it.

[stillinlove]

Hi,
So sorry about your difficult time. While you are so worried about your husband, sounds like you went and had a relapse of your own.
We've all had our 'knee-jerk' reactions to situations, and they feel like they make the hole in a SO heart bigger, the pain can be so great.
I don't think you sound so much like a therapist, sounds more like a co-dependent, SO, whatever words you choose.
Sorry to sound so straight forward, but while our focus is (was) so much on the PA, we ourselves are deep into our own addiction.
Come up with a plan of action for yourself so that everytime your mind wonders off onto him or what you see around you that scares you,
you will know how to handle it. It's difficult in the beginning, but eventually, you too, will hit a bottom, and decide you need to take care of
yourself, let others be his therapist, policeman, mother, and you be his wife, girlfriend.
Your self integrity and esteem will grow, and if something is offensive to you, as long as your emotions are in check, there is no reason
why you have to justify not being part of something to anyone.
As a therapist, if you had a client come to you with all you wrote, what would you say to her? How would you help her. We as SO seem to have
plenty of compassion for others but are so tough on ourselves. Pamper yourself, read posts here and books written for us, eventually you will
have an 'ah ha!' moment and it will click and fall into place.
Peace be with you.

[JenMac]

Hi raining,
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Very sad!
I know for me, I was unable to muster up the energy or desire to go out of the house let alone go on holiday where there are triggers all around you. It took me the better part of a year before I was able to pull myself together enough to do anything close.
I am sorry for that experience for you. I am sorry you had to sit through that and that the trip was ruined by this intrusion in your life.
raining, stillinlove is right. It is time to look after you. It is time for you to make yourself stronger, even if it is only a little at a time.
I remember repeating to myself over and over, 'I am safe, I am strong, I am loved.' It was a way of telling myself that I would be okay, no matter what happened with my relationship. I also made sure I set my boundaries, clearly, and spoke up for what I needed. My husband tells me he appreciated that very much, in that he didn't have to figure it out on his own. If I needed space, I told him. If I needed to be held, I told him. Once my boundaries were set and the expectations laid out, my husband needed to follow through of his own accord. It didn't mean that I didn't share things with him, it just meant that he had to take the initiative to follow through on the promises he had made.
raining, some things you are just not strong enough to deal with at this moment in time. That is okay. I was the same way. It will take time to get there. But that is ok. Build your strength. Go easy on yourself. This feels almost like an assault, a violation to us. It takes time to heal from that. Don't put pressures on yourself to be a certain way, forgive yourself, but try to nurture yourself by replacing some of those raging negative thoughts with some positive self affirming ones. You are strong and capable, even if you aren't feeling that way right now.
Praying for strength for you raining! Be well!
Hugs!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Raining,
I can't say much the others haven't said, except that I promise you it will get better and easier. I know about the anxiety, the loss of breath, the inability to move, the feeling that the bottom of your strength and your foundation have dropped out. I promise, it will get better.
You may not ever be able to count on your h to be who you know he is capable of and should be. You may not able be able to see him free of this. It does not diminish who you are. That's a hard one to understand and accept. At this time, you want to hold onto him and yet keep him away from you. You want to hold him and yet you can't open yourself up to allow yourself to be touched.
Such is the way we are when we have invested so very much and our h can come and go, take what they want, and do what they feel in the moment, that seems to have no consequences for them, immediately at any rate.
Please try to find one positive thing in your life...just one, that you are grateful for. Examine its beauty, wonder, and be thankful for it. I am sure there are many. This shock you are going through, this feeling of betrayal, this wanting your h to be the noble person you thought him to be and know he can be but is not while he is investing in p has been likened to Post traumatic stress syndrome. Think of the patients you have seen or the reading you have done about this disorder. Then look at yourself, and understand.
Even if you walk away from this marriage, and I know this is not what you want, you still have you and your own personal integrity. No one erased that. You loved and loved well, you trusted and trusted well.
You have done everything YOU can do for your h. Try some exercise to reduce the stress that is binding your entire being in this grief. You can get back to it and think about it later, but your entire being needs some relief right now. It's begging for it. Take a break...a warm water therapy pool with one trusted friend, to just be with. Allow your heart and soul a few minutes away from the grief of this. This is what we mean by taking care of yourself. You cannot change him, and I know you know it. He may re-think things and begin to think in a more healthy way. That will be his job. Right now, yours is about you..
Be your own best friend, and let the rest of it go for a while. Hopefully, when you come back, you will do so with a more relaxed body and a calming of your mind and soul.
Your struggle, feelings, description and anxiety are something I have lived with too long. The responses of the other SOs here helped me feel not so alone, and not so unique in my experience. I pray for peace for you...just peace, right now.
disillusoned

[raining on the inside]

Thank you stillinlove, JennMac, and Disilusioned for your latest responses to journal. It sounds like you are all in agreement that I need to spend more time focusing on taking care of myself and less time trying to control what is outside of my control, specifically, my H’s behaviors, thoughts, urges, decisions, etc. I will be the first one to admit that I am not very good at taking care of myself. I get very bogged down in my own emotional turmoil, and sometimes barely even try to pull myself out of it. With my job I do a lot of work on coping skills, emotional regulation, and self-care. I advocate for this with my clients but rarely am able to take my own advice. It makes me feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I will work on this.

Disillusioned, I really liked your idea of finding something in my life to be positive about, something in my life that is beautiful. This is a great activity for me.

The 3 things in my life that I am most grateful for: my daughter, my family, and my husband

1.) My daughter: She’ll be 2 years old in February. She has been such a blessing to me. It took me some time to really bond with her due to post-partum depression, but now I can’t contain how much I love her. She is so beautiful to me, such a gift.

2.) My family: My parents and sister have always been so supportive throughout my life. I feel very blessed to have this kind of support and love. I wouldn’t be where I am if it were not for them.

3.) My husband: Despite all of the negativity and pain that his PA has brought to my life, I am grateful for him still. He loves me very much and he tries hard to do the right thing. He is very committed to me and our family. I feel very lucky for this.

[Disillusioned]

Hey Raining,
We are all somewhat hypocrites. I am a retired nurse, and people with problems just seem to zero in on me to talk. That's a gift? Blessed burden? Messed up magnetic field?
At any rate, I am much quicker to see through the fog of others' pain than I am my own. I haven't yet learned how to be my own best friend. It just seemed to be something I could take care of later. Only, I don't let later come and take advantage of it.

There is something I do to soothe me that works nearly every time. It involves your fingers. Touch your thumb to your forefinger. and as you do, remember a time when you were unconditionally loved. Linger on that moment.
Touch your thumb to your middle finger and remember a time when you were successful at something. Big or little, doesn't matter. Linger
Touch your thumb to your ring finger and remember a time when you did something or gave something of yourself as a kindness that you didn't need or have to do. Linger.
Touch your thumb to you small finger, and remember a time when you loved unconditionally, with everything in you. (Moms have an edge here, as it usually involves going back to our babies!) Linger at that mental snapshot .

Again, Raining, when in the depths of despair and the world around you is shaking, and your insides are shaking and raining too, remember, not all has gone to crap. Being an SO of a PA stinks, but we are not left here alone. Sometimes you really do have to think of the positive things just in order to quit quaking inside. When your inner dialogue takes a break and quits shaking and reacting to the shock and disappointment you are feeling, the survivor in you will jump in and look at where and what to do next that is seen through sanity, instead of a jumble of emotions that just don’t have anywhere constructive to go.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh. If I could, I’d reach out and give you a hug. I have been shaking all day today, and in reaching out to you, I re-read some of my earlier posts.
This has been going on for a long time for me, and still I am shaking?! Talking to you got me back on track and amazingly, I feel better. That’s the way TTF seems to work.
We reach out in caring, and it comes back ten fold.

God bless you in your recovery. I hope your h comes on board too, but right now, I am just talking to you, Raining, cause you are the only one you can change, and boy, that goes again for me. I have to keep learning this over and over…and boy, I seem to be a slow learner.

disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

Found this in the general discussion section and thought I'd share it with you. If it doesn't help, that's fine. It helped me again.
Good luck.

[h=2]Taking time to be grateful for the positive things in our lives. Internet hunting[/h]

and gathering.....

Things That Went Right Today…or Developing a Sense of Gratitude

It is very easy to dwell on the negative. The ego loves to find fault within and without. Negativism abounds everywhere in the form of complaining and whining these days. Perpetual negativism quickly becomes a label you wear on your forehead: I am a victim! Victim consciousness is rampant in our society, but for every complaint there is a bright side to look at. There is a silver lining to every grey cloud. Yes, there is much in the world that is positive, much in the world to celebrate! All it takes is looking at the world through a different pair of lenses. Ilan Shamir, has turned his advertising executive skills toward making the world a better place. One of his slogans is this “1,000 things went right today.” It is his effort to turn people’s attention away from the negative and focus on the positive. GREAT IDEA! Ilan’s idea is that nothing should be taken for granted, and he’s right. We have much to be grateful for, much to be appreciate of. Gratitude is a perception that is easy to adopt. Give it a try.


Can you think of 1,000 things that went right today, or even yesterday? Can you thing of ten things that went right? Sure you can. Make a list— start with 10 things. Start with the obvious: breathing (some people cannot do this easily), walking with two legs, having three meals to eat, having a roof over your head. Add to this list things you ARE grateful for. It shouldn't be hard. At the end of each day before you lay your head on the pillow, come up with ten more things that went right today. Take nothing for granted. Let this be the lens in which you choose to see the world.

Personal note: This is why it is so necessary to take time to appreciate the positive things that happen in life…our gratitude list. While dealing with PA in a marriage can feel over-whelming, it is not the only thing happening in the world, even though it feels like it is the main thing happening in our own lives. We have to take time to see the positive things and connect with them for the benefit of our own health and well-being. Gratitude lists are awesome and life lines to recovering and healing.

[Disillusioned]

Raining, your pain is so fresh, so raw, I keep thinking of things I can send you to help. Please, if I am overwhelming you right now, try to understand you touched my heart.
This thread is about 14 ways PAs use to rationalize or justify their p use. I printed it, handed it to my h, and asked him if he saw himself. He identified one that he used. I went back with the list and gave him verbal examples of all but one that he had used in arguing that P was not harmless and I was old-fashioned and too sensitive. You probably are already familiar with these, but just in case you are not or if your brain is too fogged by pain, I thought I would include them in your own journal as a reference.
[h=2]Checklist: 14 types of denial[/h]

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.