The Walking Wounded: A SO's journey

[raining on the inside]

I have holes in my heart. I’ve been trying to pick up and mend the pieces back together since November when I last shattered by the discovery that my H had been back using pornography and hiding it from me. Some of the pieces are weakly held together as they have not yet fully healed. Some pieces I can’t even seem to find, they are flowing somewhere inside of me, but I can’t seem to get a good hold on them. My heart is fragile and what remains is a shell of what it was just a couple of months ago. He knows how fragile I am, yet in his angry moments he doesn’t seem to care.



The pain of my shattered heart lingers. It is ever present. I can not escape it. The hurt has travelled through my body, leaving me aching from head to toe. It feels like a disease or virus, something that has infected me and spread, leaving nothing untouched. It is always just below the surface. Small triggers make it bubble up and more often than not it overflows.

Tonight I was triggered by a fortune in a fortune cookie that said: “Truth is always bearable if it is told with compassion”. This took me immediately back to November when I confronted my H about using P again. He responded with anything but compassion. He had gotten angry at me and had taken control of the situation by stating that I needed to listen to him and that he would not answer any of my questions. He was harsh and cold. With these feelings boiling up from within I asked him why he acted that way. He immediately got annoyed and asked me if I really wanted to talk about this…I said yes. Within minutes he was full blown angry at me, talking to me in a harsh tone, with a very unpleasant look on his face, and a tension in his body. He didn’t want to talk about this issue because we have a lot going on…our daughter’s 2^nd birthday party tomorrow and then on Sunday he leaves for a business trip. He said we can talk about it when he gets home…but that is two weeks from now. I very much feel that he should be open to have discussions on this topic when it happens to come up. As far as he is concerned he’d be fine talking about it only on our scheduled night to go over his journal and talk about it. But for me things come up unexpectedly and I need to talk about them. If not, they fester and eat at me. And only he can answer my questions. His unwillingness to talk about this when it is triggered leaves me feeling that he is still trying to be in control of this and that he is unsupportive in my healing process. I need these discussions to move forward and heal. It is not ever present for him, so he can just forget about it, and god forbid I bring up and taint his day. Whenever we have a fight about P he always reverts back to stating that he isn’t doing it now and that “it’s a thing of the past”. Like just because he hasn’t looked at it for 2 months should erase the betrayal and subsequent pain that he has caused. It doesn’t. Nothing can make it go away. I am damaged. Our relationship is damaged. Why can’t he accept the long lasting devastating level of impact that this has had?

So we argue about it. The angrier he gets and the more insensitive he gets, the harder I cry. I tell him he’s insensitive and uncaring and lacks compassion. I tell him that he is hurtful. He doesn’t care. The more upset I get the worse he becomes until he breaks into a smile and begins to laugh at me. In the middle of expressing my pain he laughs in my face. In this moment I hate him. I really do. Terrible thoughts are raging around my mind. The hurt and anger is searing through my veins…I am on fire. If he was ever expressing personal intimate feelings with me, I would never disrespect him by laughing in his face. I continue expressing my feelings and he tells me that he isn’t listening and that I’m wasting my breath. I can’t hold myself together so I retreat. I always end up sobbing in bed or on the bathroom floor. Tonight I went for the bed. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t expel that pain inside. It was just too much. It has overtaken me. My H used to come upstairs after fights like these and maybe say he was sorry or at least to see if I was o.k. He doesn’t do this so much anymore. I could lay sobbing for hours and he doesn’t bother with me. Crying like this for so long drains every last bit of energy out of me. Deep down I desperately hoped for an apology…but it’s not coming. He went to bed. How can he see me in so much pain and react so terribly? I need compassion. I need a gentle voice and a kind face. I need empathy. I need him to be able to sit with my pain when I need to talk to him about it. I need him to hold me and confirm for me that things will be alright.


I don’t know if when he looks at my tear streaked face and hears my sobbing voice that he just chooses to ignore it, or is it that he just doesn’t care. I’m his wife, he is supposed to care. He is supposed to not want to see me in so much pain. I would break down if I ever saw him in that much pain, especially if I know that it was caused by my own actions. I don’t know how to get through to him. Sometimes he’ll do or say something and I will be proud of him for making progress but then other times I feel like he is back at the beginning fighting about this issue…Him minimizing the impact that PA has had on me. I wish that her would spend more time reading here on TTF and using his journal to write. I feels like it is only when he' reads others post that brings him into new levels of understanding.

[raining on the inside]

I have holes in my heart. I’ve been trying to pick up and mend the pieces back together since November when I last shattered by the discoverey that my H had been back using pornography and hiding it from me. Some of the pieces are weakly held together as they have not yet fully healed. Some pieces I can’t even seem to find, they are flowing somewhere inside of me, but I can’t seem to get a good hold on them. My heart is fragile and what remains is a shell of what it was just a couple of months ago. He knows how fragile I am, yet in his angry moments he doesn’t seem to care.

The pain of my shattered heart lingers. It is ever present. I can not escape it. The hurt has travelled through my body, leaving me aching from head to toe. It feels like a disease or virus, something that has infected me and spread, leaving nothing untouched. It is always just below the surface. Small triggers make it bubble up and more often than not it overflows.

Tonight I was triggered by a fortune in a fortune cookie that said: “Truth is always bearable if it is told with compassion”. This took me immediately back to November when I confronted my H about using P again. He responded with anything but compassion. He had gotten angry at me and had taken control of the situation by stating that I needed to listen to him and that he would not answer any of my questions. He was harsh and cold. With these feelings boiling up from within I asked him why he acted that way. He immediately got annoyed and asked me if I really wanted to talk about this…I said yes. Within minutes he was full blown angry at me, talking to me in a harsh tone, with a very unpleasant look on his face, and a tension in his body. He didn’t want to talk about this issue because we have a lot going on…our daughter’s 2^nd birthday party tomorrow and then on Sunday he leaves for a business trip. He said we can talk about it when he gets home…but that is two weeks from now. I very much feel that he should be open to have discussions on this topic when it happens to come up. As far as he is concerned he’d be fine talking about it only on our scheduled night to go over his journal and talk about it. But for me things come up unexpectedly and I need to talk about them. If not, they fester and eat at me. And only he can answer my questions. His unwillingness to talk about this when it is triggered leaves me feeling that he is still trying to be in control of this and that he is unsupportive in my healing process. I need these discussions to move forward and heal. It is not ever present for him, so he can just forget about it, and god forbid I bring up and taint his day. Whenever we have a fight about P he always reverts back to stating that he isn’t doing it now and that “it’s a thing of the past”. Like just because he hasn’t looked at it for 2 months should erase the betrayal and subsequent pain that he has caused. It doesn’t. Nothing can make it go away. I am damaged. Our relationship is damaged. Why can’t he accept the long lasting devastating level of impact that this has had?

So we argue about it. The angrier he gets and the more insensitive he gets, the harder I cry. I tell him he’s insensitive and uncaring and lacks compassion. I tell him that he is hurtful. He doesn’t care. The more upset I get the worse he becomes until he breaks into a smile and begins to laugh at me. In the middle of expressing my pain he laughs in my face. In this moment I hate him. I really do. Terrible thoughts are raging around my mind. The hurt and anger is searing through my veins…I am on fire. If he was ever expressing personal intimate feelings with me, I would never disrespect him by laughing in his face. I continue expressing my feelings and he tells me that he isn’t listening and that I’m wasting my breath. I can’t hold myself together so I retreat. I always end up sobbing in bed or on the bathroom floor. Tonight I went for the bed. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t expel that pain inside. It was just too much. It has overtaken me. My H used to come upstairs after fights like these and maybe say he was sorry or at least to see if I was o.k. He doesn’t do this so much anymore. I could lay sobbing for hours and he doesn’t bother with me. Crying like this for so long drains every last bit of energy out of me. Deep down I desperately hoped for an apology…but it’s not coming. He went to bed. How can he see me in so much pain and react so terribly? I need compassion. I need a gentle voice and a kind face. I need empathy. I need him to be able to sit with my pain when I need to talk to him about it. I need him to hold me and confirm for me that things will be alright.

I don’t know if when he looks at my tear streaked face and hears my sobbing voice that he just chooses to ignore it, or is it that he just doesn’t care. I’m his wife, he is supposed to care. He is supposed to not want to see me in so much pain. I would break down if I ever saw him in that much pain, especially if I know that it was caused by my own actions. I don’t know how to get through to him. Sometimes he’ll do or say something and I will be proud of him for making progress but then other times I feel like he is back at the beginning fighting about this issue…Him minimizing the impact that PA has had on me.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Raining, I am very sorry to hear about the pain you are going through just now, and it does sound like your h is not being sensitive at all. He probably feels guilty to hear you crying, but the addict in him covers that with anger, as to him, it just doesn't seem like a big deal, and things would be fine if you wouldn't make a big thing of it. Mine didn't want to read either at first. You might try printing out pieces of the journals of others so he can see that your feelings are not unusual and that this is very devastating to an SO. When a man cannot even reach out to his crying spouse, it is pretty sad. But he might also be afraid of losing control himself. Jenn is right about it being a process, and it is hard when they go away as you have no idea what they are doing. I had the same thing, and many times I cried and he didn't come to me. It does seem they don't care. Remember these fellows have a hard time feeling, as many have shut feelings off in themselves and can't stand to see them in others. I'm praying that changes for him and you, Raining. You don't deserve this. No loving wife and mother does. Hope there is some happiness in your day tomorrow.
God bless you, Raining.

[raining on the inside]

I dropped my husband off at the airport this morning. We made it through the party yesterday. While we were getting things together yesterday morning he reached out to me. Not to apologize, which i desperately wanted, but to try to reconnect and get to a better place. This is something that I very much appreciate about my H. More often than not he is the one who initiates communication after a fight. He is the one who will pull me towards him for a hug. This softens me. I don't know why I have such a hard time being the one to initiate this.

I love my H very much. I am going to miss him terribly. It is going to be a very long 2 weeks. This past week I had asked him to put in writing some form of relapse prevention plan for while he is away. I'm not sure what I was expecting he would come up with, but I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw that he had really done a lot of thinking and put in effort to come up with something really thorough. It felt really great to see that. It felt like he was really taking the risk seriously. I actually started to cry. He says that he is confidant that he will not fail. He says that the real threat is going to come years from now, as right now it is still recent and fresh in his mind. I am still afraid. Afraid of the next 2 weeks. And also afraid of what the future will bring. It kills me to think that this issue will always be present for us. I will never be able to "move on" from this. I need to move forward with this. This is a very difficult thing to do. Trying to rebuild trust and reconnect, and forgive, and let go of anger, and build back self-esteem and comfort with him physically... it is so hard to do knowing the high rates of relapse. The more solidly we rebuild the more devastating it will be down the road if he does relapse again. Sometimes I feel like it would be safer to just keep up my protective walls, to not let myself get to a place of being emotionally vulnerable with him again. But I know that in order to be happy and to have a successful relationship keeping up walls just will not do. I somehow have to figure out a way to let down my walls, allow myself to be vulnerable again, yet have enough strength inside to know that I will be o.k. if he relapses. I am definitely not there yet. I do not feel like I will be o.k. if he relapses. My heart is too fragile right now.

He has told me that prior to this most recent relapse he didn't realize the extent of pain that this causes me. He said he didn't understand what I experience as a result of this PA. He said he didn't realize how essential being honest with me about it is. He said that he didn't have this level of understanding about PA and how to address it. He said that he didn't have the amount of tools that he has now to fight it. I am happy that he feels much more equipped this time. But he assured me last time that he was equipped to handle it. And he wasn't. And if he really does understand the devastating impact and the depth of the pain it causes, and the importance of honesty, and has the tools to battle this effectively and then he still relapses?? I don't know how I will wrap my brain around that.

So for now I am going to try to just focus on getting through the next two weeks. My anxiety is going to be sky high. I feel it already building. I don't know how much contact I will be able to have with him while he is away. It is a lot of time for him to be alone in his hotel room with a computer. I know it will be very challenging for him. I wrote him a couple of letters for him to read if he is really struggling. Like a last ditch attempt to distract his mind from the urges and get him thinking and help him to make the right decision. I don't know if it will help but I'm trying.

Right now he is still flying. In an hour or so he will land. In another hour after that he will be at his hotel. It will be early to mid afternoon where he is. The challenge will begin for him. The anxiety will begin for me.

[JenMac]

I am damaged. Our relationship is damaged. Why can’t he accept the long lasting devastating level of impact that this has had?


Hi Raining,
To answer this question it could be that he is still in a place of denial. If he were able to admit the full extent of the devastation, he would have to admit to this being on his shoulders and I think that is a scary place to go. As D says, it is a process for them to get to that place. However, when they do reach that place of understanding you will be able to see that he truly 'gets it' and then the healing can begin for you. Until such is that time, our healing is very fragile which is what you are feeling.
Raining, in order to build strength within myself, I had to envision myself without mac. I had to determine that I would be okay whichever way my marriage went. That alone gave me a strength that was surprising. I knew I would be okay. Oh, I knew it would be hard, but I also knew I would survive and be okay. Once I was able to make that connection I was able to set my boundaries and my expectations and be clear in my own mind about how to proceed. I did not plan to make any drastic decisions. I intended to see it through. Strangely enough raining, once our husbands can see the strength returning to us, they gain an understanding of how important their approach to their recovery and their support of us is.
I am sorry your pain is not enough to encourage your husband to offer comfort to you. I cannot imagine what he is thinking. The only thing I can think is that he must be detaching so as to protect himself. That is the only thing I can come up with. And that is a very sad thing raining.
I am glad that things turned around a bit before he went away raining. I hope you will use this time to build strength within yourself, rather than worrying about something that you have no control over. Time spent on you will have so much more value than time wasted on worry.
Good for him for making a detailed plan. I hope that will help both of you to get through these weeks with less worry.
Wishing you all the best raining. Wishing you peace.
Let Go and Let God
Jenn

[Hipparchia]

My H too goes away for periods of time to work, 4 to 6 weeks at a time - and that was how it all started originally and how the relapse(s) happened. The loneliness, boredom, easy internet access in a hotel room at night - all these make temptation really difficult to resist. I understand that well and sympathize hugely -

My reason for replying is just to offer some practical suggestions. We have bought computer games for when he is away - not just the simple computer games - but the more complex, strategy-type games. OK - he is now compulsively playing these games on the plane, in his hotel room and so on (it's interesting for me to see his compulsion to play as I think this is very much the same personality trait that is linked with the P use) - but he has found it provides a useful distraction that can help keep him p sober. He agrees too, that it was easier in the early days, but the relapses tended to happen after a period of time.

The other, simpler strategy is to use his FB page a lot and to post photos (he travels to other countries), messages and to keep in touch with a lot of people that way.

For us this practical approach of finding the weak spots - and then looking, together, for alternatives to fill them - has been useful.

I think also - you should just ask him simply and directly - 'have you avoided viewing any p today?' - it's a direct question that you have a right to ask - it can be a relief just to ask and to hear the reply.

[waterlily327]

Raining, I was just catching up on your journal. Wow, you have so many powerful, deep, insightful posts. I understand how anything can be triggering during an SO’s recovery. When things first came out, and after any relapse, I am incredibly fragile, and silly little things can trigger those reactions. For me, I found that letting my fiancé know every time I was triggered by something important: it let him see what an impact on my every-day life his actions have had. It’s not easy sharing, but I found that it really opened his eyes.

This might be hard for you, as your husband does not sound like he is being supportive of your recovery. It makes me angry, for you, to hear that he laughs at your pain. It makes me mad for you that he ignores your tears. It makes me mad for your that he refuses to give you the support, love, and time needed for your recovery.

I certainly want you to do what is best for your relationship, but more importantly, you need to do what is best for you. Your husband is not supporting you or caring about your pain. In fact, the way he acts makes your current situation sound toxic for your recovery. Maybe this time that he is away from you on business will serve as a “reset”…its not great timing, but it is also not bad given the way he has been treating you (or, not treating you). Maybe after time apart, it will be easier for both of you to reconnect. I agree that being direct in asking him questions…nothing wrong with being blunt here! Plus, asking those direct questions and getting answers will help ease your anxiety. It takes practice getting used to asking those questions, but they do get easier. If he gets angry that you are asking, I suggest calmly explaining that you need these answers, and if he is not doing anything that would upset you, then there is no reason for him not to answer. A relationship needs to be equal in its give-and-take.

I am glad to hear that he reached out to you, at least a little, before leaving. It is much better that he left for his trip with you both in a slightly better spot. I hope things continue to improve after he comes home to you! Good luck! *hugs*

[raining on the inside]

First, thank you Disillusioned, JenMac, Hipparchia, and Waterlily for your responses. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to read my journal and for your concern and suggestions. Yes, I think that my H getting angry and seemingly backpeddling in his acceptance/understanding of what I’m going through is his way of protecting himself. I do believe that he truly cares about my feelings and the hurt that he caused, but I think he gets overwhelmed at the sheer intensity of my feelings and my triggers. As far as denial goes, I don’t feel that he is in denial about PA being a problem, but I do think that he cycles as far as accepting the depth and reality of the extent of my pain. I feel that when he is angry and goes into self-protection mode he still retreats to his old feeling that I am making too big of a deal out of this and I should be over it by now because he is not currently looking at P. When he is in a good place I feel that he does understand the level of pain as well as understanding that what I am experiencing is a normal reaction in this situation and that it is a process…a long process.

As far as practical solutions for him being away and me dealing with it here on a daily basis, I appreciate all of your thoughts. I decided last night to directly ask him how it was going in relation to P urges. I had not asked him yet, but of course had been thinking about it. He told me that so far it has not been as challenging as he had anticipated and that he was doing pretty well. He said that being busy has helped a good deal. He said there had been urges but that he managed them fairly easily. We both acknowledged that it was still early on in the trip, and the risk is clearly still present. He told me that I don’t have anything to worry about. I, of course, am still worried. HOWEVER, I think that I have been doing very well in managing my anxiety/worry. Jenn, I keep reminding myself of what you said about not wasting my time worrying about something that I have no control over. I hate that I have no control over this and it makes me feel vulnerable, but I know it’s the truth. Me worrying is not going to change the outcome, it’s just going to make it harder for me to get through the next 2 weeks. I can give him support, but ultimately he, and only he, can decide what path to take. I can not stop him from looking at P in his hotel room across the country. Only he can. And I hope that he will.

I miss him very much already and I am so hoping that we make it through the next two weeks without incident. It was so ugly when he came back from his last business trip and he had relapsed. It was a horrible homecoming. One that I do not want to repeat. I am hopeful that things will be different this time. I am hopeful that he will make the right decision. I am hopeful that he will come home proud of himself for keeping to his word, and that I will be able to trust that he is telling me the truth. I want a happy homecoming. I want to reconnect. I want to feel only love for him and happiness that he is home, not disappointment and pain.

[elle kay]

hi. i found this forum a couple of weeks ago and want to thank you for putting everything i feel into words. i showed my H and it showed him how i felt when i couldnt find the words. i can relate to every single one of your feelings and fears.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Raining,
Your last two posts sounded so much better to me. The fact that he had taken time to think about how to handle the temptations when he is away.... is just great, to me. I love progress and forward movement. You are hurting and anxious and this will be the case for some time now. It is normal and all part of what is typical in the recovery of an SO. I hate that this sadness and fear are typical...omg!
One thing that my h did, that I didn't ask for, was to call more often. In the past with his p use and other activities, he would call once, twice, maybe three times in a two week period away from home. He had a female teacher go with him, and was absolutely shocked at she and her h talking multiple times a day on the phone. That seemed so strange and confining to him. I think maybe he needs this too now...the more frequent calling and staying in touch. He wants to be able to gauge my mood by the tone of my voice, which is pretty much light and happy and full of energy these days. Not so, though for a long, long time before.
Part of the way to be close and intimate is to stay in touch, share your days, people you have met, things you read. There is always so much to share with someone you love, and you can feel connected even in silence together, sometimes. But the old way of two or three times didn't work. I didn't push him...he just does it. He talks about his class, funny things at the airport, hotels, places he eats. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know P will always beckon, and he will always be addicted. I do believe in myself, this time, and though I don't want to be tested again, knowing I am stronger has helped me. I know this is not a solution to the problem of addiction, Raining, but you really do have to have a strong sense of self and a strong belief in self to survive this.
Might look at Crisodan's journal to see what I am talking about. It is something like Jenn said, you have faith in yourself that you could survive without your h. You can, as you can do this while he is away, all the time. That doesn't mean you would be happier without him or that you wouldn't miss him or wish you could be together. It is just having faith in yourself, that you have the know how and strength to keep going, even on your own. I think that my h's knowing about where PA eventually goes, if not stopped has frightened him, as well as me. I don't want this for him, even if I am gone. I was so happy Isaac came here and shared his experience with us. Your h can't just want to stop because of how terribly it hurts you, he has to realize that p addiction poses some really serious risks for him too. It is really staying at the maturity level of many 15-17 year old boys, who still think girl-watching is good, clean fun, and sport, that women are objects to enjoy, and that they are entitled to look at women anytime and any way they want...which they are not!!
How I wish my h had been searching for a poem for me online, or writing me a history about the things that he saw. With the cell phones, he can talk to me now, and I am glad to be more part of his life and thoughts.
Hope for more pain relief for you, Raining. It is not good or fair for a loving spouse and mom to be hurting so badly.