The experience of life - Stillinlove's journal

[stillinlove]

Well, I've been finding everyone's journal interesting, so I felt I should also reveal myself to you.
I hesitated at first since my husband has joined TTF, but he already knows my story, and my inner most feelings. And no reason he can't know my thoughts for the day if I feel something is necessary to write. I'm pretty good at not holding back anymore, except I've learned to do it in a compassionate way. No more pretending.He's very aware of what his porn addiction 'did' to me. I vascilate between victim and co-dependent(for lack of a better phrase), since I know my history, and I can understand on many levels why we were and are brought together. That's why I put 'did' in markings. I have had my slips/relapse and regressed to many behaviors just as he has. And I know he's felt pain from how I acted just as he knows and understands the pain I went through. I no longer in anger say 'tough!" to him when he responded to my slips. Now, this is all very recent after a long battle. He has had his ah ha! moment for himself and me and I had mine. Although I am on both sides of the fence (before we met) and understand s-x and PA addiction, still I reacted as a loved one does, I fell right into it.

So, do we start by writing our story? Or more like a check-in?

I appreciate all of you, this is a great site, took us a long time to find one, so glad I'm here to share with all of you.
Thanks for listening.

[JenMac]

Well, I've been finding everyone's journal interesting, so I felt I should also reveal myself to you.
I hesitated at first since my husband has joined TTF, but he already knows my story, and my inner most feelings. And no reason he can't know my thoughts for the day if I feel something is necessary to write. I'm pretty good at not holding back anymore, except I've learned to do it in a compassionate way. No more pretending.He's very aware of what his porn addiction 'did' to me. I vascilate between victim and co-dependent(for lack of a better phrase), since I know my history, and I can understand on many levels why we were and are brought together. That's why I put 'did' in markings. I have had my slips/relapse and regressed to many behaviors just as he has. And I know he's felt pain from how I acted just as he knows and understands the pain I went through. I no longer in anger say 'tough!" to him when he responded to my slips. Now, this is all very recent after a long battle. He has had his ah ha! moment for himself and me and I had mine. Although I am on both sides of the fence (before we met) and understand s-x and PA addiction, still I reacted as a loved one does, I fell right into it.

So, do we start by writing our story? Or more like a check-in?

I appreciate all of you, this is a great site, took us a long time to find one, so glad I'm here to share with all of you.
Thanks for listening.

Hi Stillinlove!
There are no rules about what you write in your journal, other than the obvious ones re triggering information. What you choose to tell us is entirely up to you. My journal tells my story as honestly as I was able. It was hard sometimes to tell what was happening or what I was thinking, especially when we were struggling with things. But I found that by doing so, it helped to get those things out into the open. It also enabled me to 'let go' of things. I have always found that when I write down my troubling thoughts. While I didn't change the content to spare my H's feelings, I was aware that he would be reading what I wrote, so I tried to say what I needed to say but be as kind as possible with HOW I said it. That not only helped him, but me as well. That helped me to retain my dignity in a subtle way. I see you already do that well.
I am looking forward to hearing whatever you choose to tell us Stillinlove. I have found writing my story to be very therapeutic. I hope you find the same! You will no doubt find as I have, that there is a power in the written word. Our H's can learn so much about our thinking when it is in the written form. It has started many in depth conversations for the 2 of us. I hope it will be the same for you!
All the best!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Hi StillinLove, I am glad to see that you have started a journal. Like Jenn said, there is no specific way to write your journal as long as you stay within the site rules! For me, I started by introducing our story because it gave the background for why we were here. After that, I write about the day-to-day ups and downs of recovery, my meditations on it, and my life outside of being the SO of a PA. For me, it has been very therapeutic to write. The people here are so supportive! Your journal is your place: it becomes whatever you need it to be! It is you tool, your place.

My fiancé is here with me, and I love knowing that he has the option to read my journal. It makes me feel like we have yet another tool to aid our communication. I try to talk openly about my thoughts and feelings with him, but we are still in a long-distance relationship, so this helps take off some of the pressure. I can write my thoughts and feelings out, and not worry that I am keeping anything him! Plus, I love reading his journal. It has been effective in opening up more communication and given me a window into his addiction, just as it has given him a window into my recovery.

I am excited to follow your recovery here StillinLove! Good luck with everything!

[stillinlove]

Evening,everyone.
I will write about our story (husband-BigEyes) later.
Ugh! I had a knee-jerk reaction today. If I had stopped to think I could have checked out CE log and seen it was false.(I was caught off guard) But SO came over to me just as I noticed it and so I said something. He showed me, also, that it was nothing.
I apologized, but without me even thinking about crying, the tears rolled down my face and I sobbed. Everything is going very well and we support each other to the max. I told him it reminded me of the addiction, not just his, mine, also.
I was always a reactor to situations that got me upset and after I reacted I would feel such shame for my behavior.
Awhile back, I made a commitment to myself, my husband, and God (besides asking Him for help), to change it and I was doing great. I was quite proud of myself on a couple of things that I thought had come up and resolved them before I reacted.
I really like just going about life without being on guard.Having TTF is a way to still know it exists while(infinity timeframe) we are in recovery. We have many conversations about it, some light, some heavy, some funny. Over the years through many practices I learned, it was all about staying in the moment. I like it when we are together and we enjoy our true selves fully, without thinking about trust, etc. I feel the full effect of our love that way.

Thank you for listening.

[stillinlove]

whenever I fall asleep too early I wind up waking up in the night and then can't get back to sleep - so I'll take the time to write part of my story since Thursday was a good day.

I am 58 y/o with 30 years recovery from alcohol/drugs/first part of sex addiction(lady of the night-streets and clubs). I was married to a sociopath during our active days into early recovery. He was(is) a sex addict and when I was pretty much stripped of my dignity along with memories from childhood I had to deal with, I left him. I put notches on the wall as each year past by that I had to have him in my life because of our son. My son lived with him and there were times he wouldn't let me see him if I wouldn't have sex with him, so there were many times I didn't see my son. And then there were the times I caved. I was pathetic, and full of shame.
I made a vow that until I cleared and healed from him I wasn't getting into any relationships, I didn't want a repeat course. I got deeper into MB (started in very early childhood)That meant dealing with issues from childhood (which was a living hell - I should really be in some hospital ward rocking in a corner and doing the thorazine suffle).
Now my son is 24, no longer have to deal with the man and my son who had been told many lies about me finally realized what a sick man his father was/is.
I spent years doing all types of therapy including the 'new age movement' (now alot of it has finally made it to mainstream), developing my spirituality, and doing quite well, atleast I thought I was.
After we got separated the other two areas of my sex addiction were still active. Of course, full denial. I dated men strictly for sex in return for them taking care of me although I didn't realize it, I just thought I was terrible at choosing the right man.
When my son was around 10 y/o and it was evident he noticed how I dressed, I gave up the exhibitionism. Kept up with the empty relationships.
I continued with that part of my addiction, starting to feel pretty crappy about myself again, self esteem plumented, depression, shame, the whole nine yards.
When my son turned 18 y/o I declared to the world it was now my time to live for myself (after spending in six years taking care of my dad(alzheimer's) untl he died,
doing an intervention for my son, and then taking care of my mother until she died(brain tumor).
I took a geographic and moved across the country. I dated a man and one day the lightbulb went off and I realized I hadn't gotten away from the last of my sex addiction.
I ended it quickly, but since I was alone/lonely, I started with the internet P. (I had dabbled during the years but nothing to the extent I was doing it now).
I met another man (is now my husband) and although I wasn't really interested, I needed a friend. He revealed he was in recovery from P and MB. I had pretty much given up the MB since it got to the point where all it did was frustrate me because it just didn't work anymore, I had gone too far for too long.
He was/is the nicest, kindest, gentlist, brilliant man I had ever met and treated me like I've never been treated before. And he made a great friend. I gave up the last part of my sex addiction knowing I had found true love. Although there were rough spots, I was happy he wasn't acting out with women the way my ex did, and so I stuck with the relationship. I would get twinges of feelings I couldn't quite place my finger on, except that it was familiar. It finally came to me that I he was triggering me and I had started acting as a co-dependent. And things got worse before they got better. And I thought we were living happily ever after. Until I started seeing/hearing signs that it sounded like he was dabbling again. But I played the coward well, and didn't say anything. One night we're talking and at the end of the conversation I asked him point blank, not accusatory, just asked, and he said no with even looking in my eyes. He went off to bed, and I got on the computer and there was an e-mail from his mother telling him she was concerned because her reports from CE had P sites in it. I blew up! I felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut and twisted the knife. My world fell out from under me. The pain was excruciating.It wasn't so much the porn as the lying and deceit. I was angry at him and at myself, for not talking about it as he was giving off hints, it had gotten to the point where it was leaking out from him and he didn't even know it. I had also been having dreams and when I would look them up it all came down to being told someone was being deceitful, I figured it was someone in business. I was/am so nieve. Really more like out to lunch from all the PTSD and other Dx. I couldn't believe I had gotten just as low as he, couldn't find me. All I learned over the years got buried.So, you all pretty much know what goes on from there from the patternes we have all gone thru. Believing he could make it because he was doing it for me.I started getting those twinges in my gut.He was really making an effort, he would slip I would act like a lunatic and so on, until one day the addict came roaring out of him. I had been so busy acting as a SO I forgot about the compassion for another addict. After all, been there, done that. I gave him full range the way you could give an alcoholic full range until they hit their bottom (if they didn't die first). Go, do your thing. I would declare I was leaving and then decide I took my vows seriously and would stay. We knew we truly loved each other and didn't want to be apart. He continued to believe many of the myths 'out there' about recovery. I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore, it hurt too much. Added to this, we also have a business together, so we are/were together practicly all the time. We'd make appt with lawyer, then cancel, make another, cancel. And finally I said I wanted to try again but I wan't going to play pretend or fall for anything. And then his symptoms from P went to the extreme (ED), and that was it, he knew he couldn't kill himself anymore. He saw physical evidence of what P can do, and he was so depressed from the shame and guilt, and fear, I could have come home one day and ound him dead. I also had to pull myself together and use all I had learned over the years.
That was a month ago. He researched and found a great site (re-booting) and then TTF. And we've been with you here for pretty much that whole time.
The change is amazing. His real self is back, the man I married. His heart is open. He had always said while trying to recover it would have to be like his other recoveries (drugs/acohol) and wake up one day and it was over, never looking back. And this is what has happened.
We spend time having heartfelt conversations, I speak up when I feel fear, I have had my knee-jerk reactions here and there. We are back to laughing, sharing our friendship again. I truly believe it was thru my spirituality that I was able to see the real person through all of this and all his wonderful qualities that kept me going.
He is awesome. Our business has grown. There is a glow there that had been lost for a long time.

So, that's pretty much my story. And part of his. You'll get to know BigEyes and hear for yourself what his living hell was and how it affected his life and our marriage. (Everyone from his past ignored it for the most part, as his wife, I couldn't, wouldn't.)
Thank you all for being here. This is a great site, full of positive people and long term recovery for some. I am so glad he dug deep and found TTF.

Thank you for listening. I appreciate being able to write it out and feel peace instead of fear.

[JenMac]

Thank you for sharing Still! I am glad you are here and that things are going so well for you. It truly is amazing when we can find ourselves again in an ever deepenening relationship with the one we love. I have come to believe that the journey here has indeed been worth it. I hope you will as well. Sounds like the lessons you have had to learn in life have been immense, and unfair, but if it takes you to that better place, you will no doubt understand how lucky you are to be there. And THAT is a blessing!
I love your attitude Still! It speaks of a strong, loving person!
Jenn

[Mac]

Thank you Stillinlove for coming here and telling your story.
Your story is certainly one of resilance and determination and really is a testament to show others that healing and recovery can be had.
I have been a member here for over a year and half now and the things i have learned about myself here was really kind of drawn out of me by all the good people we sahre our lives with on this site.
I am sure you and Bigeyes will find the support here that will aid in the recovery you ared already finding.
Glad to see you guys here and I wish you every success.

All the best Mac

[Thoughtless]

Stillinlove your story is amazing. I admire your forthrightness.
I too have hesitated in posting because my wife, Disillusioned, is also here. It is something I still struggle with because I want to be honest but don't want to say anything that hurts or offends her. She does know my story of porn use, but it is still hard to put my issues in writing. I guess i need to bite the bullet and follow your good example!

[waterlily327]

Thank you for sharing your story here. You have a remarkable story, and I am really glad that you are here on TTF. I hope you have the time/opportunity to post again soon. I hope you are doing well!

[stillinlove]

Hi
It took me awhile to make the decision to post for the same reasons Thoughtless mentions. But I felt he should know the results of his actions. Maybe it's easier since I am on both sides.
I have told him things I did when I was active that I held in for 30 years. That's how ashamed I was of some of the things I did. It's by the Grace of God I'm not dead.
That's how safe I feel with him. He truly is my best friend.
In someone else's thread, we spoke of the zen approach. I finally got to that place (after tormenting myself), because of how easy it was for him to lie to me, I was and probably still am nieve (and alot of denial and cowardness). And he got to see how bad it could get for a SO while he was active. We can literally make ourselves insane and act like lunatics. I didn't like myself and felt shame. It's all the same feelings for both sides. We all lose ourselves. So, I go with the flow. I'll ask him how he's doing, most times just to see if he needs to talk about anything and get him out of his shell. Other times, I like the reassurance that he is feeling better about himself (some days while he was active I'd wonder if I'd come home to find he had hanged himself). I also know he keeps some thoughts to himself so as to not have me worry. And I'm sure he thinks the way Thoughtless mentioned and is careful about what he may share.
So, there's no need for me to get involved in worrying or any of the SO stuff, because if it's going to happen, it will happen. I can't crawl in his mind. So I just go by his actions.
I've also been able to apply this zen approach with my 24+ y/o son who lives 3000 miles away (thank goodness). While going through BE and my stuff, I was also dealing with my son getting arrested twice and his compulsive lying. I had to make the decision not to speak with him, his attitude was way off. For a long time it drove me crazy. I couldn't figure out how a mother could get through not communicating with a son. And I felt shame and anger at myself for not having been a good parent. It didn't matter that BE or others would give me that line that I did the best I could. No, I knew I didn't do a good job. I didn't stand up to his father (my ex) who got in the way of our relationship. Luckily, when my son got older, he found out what his dad is really like, and we cleared up alot of the lies he was told that he had believed. But the damage was done.
Anyway, I had to let go of it, otherwise I would have gone insane. I think between BE and my son, I was ready for the hospital ward. I had my Psych MD give me more meds so I wouldn't feel. I was crawling out of my skin. Now, I was able to stop taking all the high dosages he had prescribed. Which is a good thing, considering the side effects that started to happen.
We started speaking again but I take everything he says with a grain of salt. And I keep our conversations very short. It's more of wanting to hear his voice every once in awhile, so I know he isn't in jail again, or dead. It feels really good to not have him on my mind all the time.
Geez, when I think back to all of the insanity in my life with BE and my son and myself, it amazes me how much space it took up in my mind.
I am so happy to have myself back. To laugh (BE has the greatest sense of humor) dance, sing together.

This time of the month is very busy for our business. In the past, during our active time, it added so much more stress to it, couldn't think straight. made plenty of mistakes, just wasn't present. Now, with my head clear, I can accomplish so much more. Even came up with a system that makes the busy time much easier.Today I actually noticed I felt really good. The negative energy that surrounded us, had an impact on our business, it had stopped growing. Now, we are seeing changes. Our attitude is so much lighter.

Well, I went on and on again. Caatharsis, good for the soul.
Thank you all for listening.