Moving Forward

[Devastated2]

So, after having joined TTF 3 years ago, I am FINALLY starting a journal. I am doing this, in part, because i have seen how much it seems to help my husband when he writes in his journal here. since this whole journey is a growth process, I am adding this to my list of tools help me cope and, hopefully, make me stronger.

Things are good right now between my husband and I. We are, for the first time in 3 years, trying to figure out how to work on these issues together, rather than just separately. I do think it is helping. It is slow going, but it is helping. We did have a minor issue a few weeks back which really made the 2 of us realize we needed to work on our communication and begin to heal together rather than apart. Long story short, he had searched for an image on our computer and then deleted the history file. As I am sure every SO here knows, we have ways of finding deleted history files. and, the deleting, it turns out, was what the problem was. After listening to his explanation, which was easily verified, I realized this was just an 'nothing' innocent search. It was the deleting that initially made me think otherwise. He said that must have just been automatic and now that he is aware of that, he knows not to do it. I can see where covering your tracks for years would make you do this, even if your initial action was innocent. But, PA's need to know and understand, if you delete anything, your SO will automatically think you are up to no good. It led me to many questions such as: what type of web surfing is OK for PA's? Should all image searching be off limits? As we all know, even an innocent Google search can turn up undesirable results. Personally I don't think any PA's should have unrestricted access to technology. Then why am I so unable to insist on that? I do not think he has been looking at P, but like I said, you can be looking at things with good intentions and bad stuff comes up. Or, you can be looking at things that, well, maybe someone in recovery for PA just probably should not look at or look for. I think I am afraid maybe that he will just find ways around it if I insist. But that would be out of my control.I know many here have web filters so most of this isn't an issue. I have always wanted that, if nothing else for peace of mind. But my husband never did it. He said he was going to do it but never did. I realize that I can/could/probably should insist on it. But he is someone who has trouble with controls and I just knew if I had ever insisted, he would find ways around them. So, as with most of this journey, I have always wanted HIM to be the one to insist on it, simply because it is the right thing to do, given the circumstances. Its funny because he will mention how he is going to do it and then nothing. I really feel he tries to feel in some way still in control. But, this is an addiction and in my mind, unrestricted access is like giving an alcoholic a bottle and asking them to promise not to drink it. I had lots of anxiety back when he decided he needed a blackberry for his new job. He also uses a computer at work with no monitiring system. I just think its a matter of time before we are thrust right back where we started from. This is a frustrating issue for me because, like I said, we have been doing so well as a couple: communicating and really trying to figure out how we can improve ourselves everyday to make our marriage stronger. Can you ever really have peace of mind though if the very thing that caused all of your pain is still completely unrestricted? I feel like this is a block for me. It is keeping me from really moving forward. There will always be that possibility in the back of my mind and I don't want that anymore. So, if we are going to heal together, I need to have this conversation with him. It is time and it needs to happen.

Personally, things are going pretty well...very busy but well. Last December I returned to grad school & it has kept me very busy (between that and 4 kids). As much of a pain as it is being bogged down by schoolwork, it has also been a blessing. I have found again through my graduate work that I am capable. I am smart. I can achieve. After going through all of this, I very much needed to know these things about myself again. I graduate in May and everyday I am getting one step closer. So, for now, I am OK. I am learning to heal and I am learning to appreciate myself again. I like that. =)

[waterlily327]

Hi Devistated2, I am glad you decided to start your journal. Many here do find it therapeutic to post frequently, give and get feedback, and become an active member here on TTF.

If you feel that strongly that any image searching is dangerous, I believe it would be beneficial to bring up a conversation about installing an internet filter with your H again. After being here, I do believe that many PA’s can function safely without an internet filter, but if you have concerns you should listen to your gut. Bring up the conversation. If it is easier for you, start the conversation by gently reminding your husband that he said he would install a filer.

From personal experience, my fiancé has an internet filter (K-9) on his computer. He was agreeable to having the filters, as he still feels unsteady in his recovery. I hold the password, and it seems like the system works well. I do recommend a filter if you feel like it would ease your peace of mind. In your communications with your H, you should bring up how uneasy it makes you that he does not have a filter because it is easy enough to find risqué images completely by accident, and for a recovering addict, that can be the beginning of a slippery slope.
I am very glad to have “met” you! I hope you continue to post in your journal here! I know that posting in my journal as an SO has been remarkably helpful! Good luck!

[Devastated2]

Thanks so much for your reply waterlily. I've been reading many of your posts and I'm glad you and your fiancé are tackling these issues so that you can have many happy years ahead of you.I suppose I've been hesitant to bring up filters with my h because he has made such great strides in his recovery. I don't want the topic to make him feel that hasn't been noted and appreciated. His posting here on TTF is really a miracle! I never thought it would happen. His recovery makes me heal. On the other hand, there is always the fear if 'going back there' and, truth is, I can't. I guess I feel it is tempting fate. Why take the chance? I think I've been waiting all this time because I wished it was something he wanted to do, rather than feeling forced to do. And it tajes nothing away from the progress he has made. I try to put onto words how seeing him grow makes my love for him grow but I don't think I have words to really convey it. He is finally seeing the him I have seen all along and it is a beautiful thing to witness.

[JenMac]

He is finally seeing the him I have seen all along and it is a beautiful thing to witness.

That is exactly how I feel about Mac D2! I have told him this. I have always seen the good man that he is. I have always held him in high esteem. It was just he who didn't. He is seeing that now too! Isn't it amazing?! Thanks for putting it into words!

D2, Mac put the filter on for me. He told me he didnt feel he needed it to stay clean, but it was a reassurance to me, and he wanted me to have that assurance. We still have a monitoring system. I feel like every household should have something like this for their own safety. The filters will help to keep unwanted material from our homes. That is an important tool to have in any home, whether we are dealing with this in our lives or not.
I hope your H will consider this if only to show care for you and your feelings. While he may feel strong in his recovery, and rightly so after this length of time, it never hurts to do things that make our partners feel safer in their healing.
So glad you have started your journal D2!
All the best!
Jenn

[Devastated2]

Hey JennThanks for your reply. I know the conversation about the filters will happen. We have always been poor communicators, which contributed a lot to this problem. What I love about where we are now though is that none of those questions have the urgency they once did. I do trust that he isn't viewing p. I do see his progress and it means so much. It is so wonderful to see him beginning to be at peace with himself, which is why the questions are less urgent now. All things in time. I am seeing him see himself for the first time and I love the view :)

[stillinlove]

Hi Devastated2,
When we tried awhile back after he was busted, we put covenant eyes and webwatcher. But he still wasn't ready.
Now, about a month ago, major stuff happened and he hit bottom and a knowing. He also wanted some control, so I took keylogger off
with both of us knowing we had CE. He had a couple of temper tantrums in the beginning because they had added a new feature to prevent back-dooring, and I said it came with the pkg. he quieted down pretty quickly.
I used to have knee jerk reactions, go storming to him to accuse him only to find out it was nothing. He got to see me many times in full blown co-dependency slip. He had never seen that before because everyone let him do what he wanted. It was good cause he got to see how this addiction gets to a loved one.
We work together also, me working on staying 'sober' and he also. I had one knee jerk reaction and instead of storming over to him I took time to breath and check it out thru CE and it turned out to be nothing, again. Phew, was I glad to see I was also recovering.
I'm so glad there are other women here with great attitudes. It makes it so much easier.

[Devastated2]

Hi Stillinlove Thanks for your reply and welcome to TTF. It certainly isn't fun when you are dealing with those knee jerk reactions. I truly wish no one had to deal with this issue. My husband did put k9 on our home computer. He says he wanted to do it but hadn't gotten around to it. It's a tough thing to still need that security after 3 years. But this whole thing really changed me and our relationship. In many ways our relationship is better. But I do hate that it's made me a person who needs the security of something like a filter. One of the after effects I suppose. Anyway, welcome! And, much credit to you for the courage of sharing not only your SO's struggle but your own as well.

[metalfossil]

You guys amaze me. I've witnessed the pain in my own wife's eyes and I guess all of you are/have suffereing/suffered similar pain. Yet you are still able to profess the love for your SO. I'm also lost for words. However I thank you all.

Thanks so much for your reply waterlily. I've been reading many of your posts and I'm glad you and your fiancé are tackling these issues so that you can have many happy years ahead of you.I suppose I've been hesitant to bring up filters with my h because he has made such great strides in his recovery. I don't want the topic to make him feel that hasn't been noted and appreciated. His posting here on TTF is really a miracle! I never thought it would happen. His recovery makes me heal. On the other hand, there is always the fear if 'going back there' and, truth is, I can't. I guess I feel it is tempting fate. Why take the chance? I think I've been waiting all this time because I wished it was something he wanted to do, rather than feeling forced to do. And it tajes nothing away from the progress he has made. I try to put onto words how seeing him grow makes my love for him grow but I don't think I have words to really convey it. He is finally seeing the him I have seen all along and it is a beautiful thing to witness.

[Devastated2]

Thank you MF. I don't know how amazing I am but I do know I love my husband. It's funny: we were talking last night and I told him I can actually separate him from the addict. This was in regards to the filter being put on the computer. It was important to me that he know his active recovery has made him regain my trust. I don't think he has been searching for p. It's the addict that I worry about. I don't trust the addiction and I very much fear being taken back to that dark place. But my husband in a wonderful, kind, loving man and I can separate that from the addiction, if that makes sense.

[metalfossil]

Hi Devestated2,

I'm glad you feel this way, and one day I hope that I can earn back the trust of my long suffering wife.

Dave

Thank you MF. I don't know how amazing I am but I do know I love my husband. It's funny: we were talking last night and I told him I can actually separate him from the addict. This was in regards to the filter being put on the computer. It was important to me that he know his active recovery has made him regain my trust. I don't think he has been searching for p. It's the addict that I worry about. I don't trust the addiction and I very much fear being taken back to that dark place. But my husband in a wonderful, kind, loving man and I can separate that from the addiction, if that makes sense.