How did I get here?

[still small voice]

This past year has been a journey, but this past week has been terribly eye opening.

On multiple occasions I have discovered my H's secret P hiding places. A box of adult comic books. A down loaded movie. Magazines that feature classic cars along with female eye-candy. Men's health magazines that seem to think my H needs coaching to perform well in bed and freely give advice about what women want. Downloaded pics. A dirty internet history. Each new discovery has brought a whirlwind of emotions. Initially, I just let it pass despite my concern... I didn't want to rock the boat and figured it was just part of being a guy.

On the past three occasions, I have made an attempt to express my displeasure. I hate confrontation. But what the heck - I'm already suffering and why should I allow him to avoid the discomfort of confrontation? His actions were definitely causing me emotional discomfort! Inevitably, he denies there is anything going on and thinks I'm blowing the situation way out of proportion. I say it's either THEM or ME. NOT BOTH. When things calm down, he says he's sorry... that he doesn't want those other women in the pictures... only me. He went through the house and got rid of posters, downloaded material, and magazines.

A month ago, while at work, I did an internet search to see if other women had the same frustrations with their Hs. I only had a quick minute to look, and I was stunned as I read about a woman who was basically being advised to just turn her head regarding her H's activity. At the end of the day, I felt like I (and that girl) must just be over sensitive to the topic. I hate the word, but "prude" was what came to mind.

This week I again confronted my H about his internet usage - this time looking at pics of female actresses on what could be deemed a fairly family friendly site. The problem was he kept looking, and linking onto other pages with other attractive women, and what got my attention was that he would change tabs if he thought I might be looking his direction. So I let him know that I was concerned about him viewing these pages, and of course he defended his actions as innocuous.

So again, I found myself on the internet seeking confirmation that I what I am feeling is justified. And wouldn't you know, the same internet that provides my H with destructive material is the same internet that can be a source of healing for me. And him - if he wants it. I thank God that I happened upon this place.

Actually, initially, y'all scared the crud out of me with the stories of habits intensifying, failed relationships, etc. But you opened my eyes to things that have been going on that had previously just left question marks in my head... For instance, he frequently slips out of bed in the middle of the night if he "can't sleep" to "go watch a movie" until he gets tired enough to come back to bed. Or the way he sees me as an object with parts to be toyed with despite my obvious lack of physical readiness or interest at the time. And the increasing number of times he comes to bed and I can't arouse him because he probably already performed the act earlier when he spent 30 minutes to "shut down the computer". Ugh. I realize that his actions may not be full blown addiction, they are probably worse than I realized.

The confrontation has left us barely talking the past week. Left me sleeping in a separate bed but wandering what he is up to when he is alone. Left me feeling jealousy, anger, and extremely hurt. Tired and unable to concentrate at work and unable to sleep at night. Hyper-vigilant and snooping. Mentally and physically drained.

But you have given me hope that if he realizes the harmful effects, he might decide to call it quits and take steps to remove the temptations. I pray that it will click for him, and that he will ultimately have the willpower to behave differently. I know there are no promises for recovery and I can't do the work for him, but I take comfort that there is a place I can come where everyone can relate and I can speak openly. Thank you TTF!!!

[JenMac]

HI Still! Welcome to TTF!
As always I am sorry to see another woman having to deal with this in her life, but I am so glad that you found us! TTF is an awesome place for healing and recovery and you will find many wise and supportive members here who understand exactly what you are going through.
Still you will learn much here and yes some of it will scare you, but most of it will verify what you are already suspecting, what you already know.
I too hate the word prude. I prefer to think that we are actually ahead of our time. I believe we are only at the beginning of a tidal wave that is going to hit this society in relation to what internet P is doing to damage our men, our relationships, our wellbeing and particularly our young people.
Still, I encourage you to share what you are learning with your H. He needs to hear from you what you are thinking and feeling. I feel being clear with what is going on in your mind is very important in regards to this.
All the best as you find your way to healing Still. Please make sure you take care of yourself first. It is important that you build your strength and resolve to fight this intrusion in your life.

Jenn

[still small voice]

Thank you, Jenn.

I have been avoiding talking to my H because I haven't been at the point where I could keep my cool. Too many emotions and I don't want to regret making imperatives. I want to be wise in how I approach the topic as to not immediately set him on the defensive. I need him to listen to how I feel. I'm afraid he won't have much to say.

He will be out of the house for much of the day. I need to gather my thoughts and be ready to approach the subject with him.
We have set a tentative time to speak tonight.

Father God, guide my thoughts/actions/words today. Be a lamp, help me to abide in you so I can see your good fruits in my life. Help me to more fully reflect your light into the dark places surrounding me. Keep me focused on your glory and your future kingdom as I trudge through this man created mess. Start at the beginning with my husband. Tackle his heart God, as you have tackled mine. Amen.

[waterlily327]

Hi Still Small Voice, welcome to TTF. Like you, at first the idea of being here scared the s**t out of me, but I soon realized that the people here all have a lot to offer. The stories, though scary in their similarity, also answered a lot of questions for me and most ended up giving me hope...hope that this wasn't a dead-end for us, hope that there are people who overcome this addiction, hope that my relationship would be ok! I needed that hope more than anything at that time, and I am so thankful that I joined TTF. I hope that, as you continue to read through the journals, you will find that among the heart-breaking stories, there are many happy "endings" (and I say "endings", because we are all still here working).

Your first post really hits home, becasue those experiences seem like ones that all of us SO's have shared on some level. This is a really hard time, but we have all survived, and come out stronger women. Like you, I was terrified of saying anything to "make the situation worse". Since my d-day, I have discovered a new, stronger, independent woman inside myself, still capable of loving. I hope you find the support you need here to develop those self-care skills that are so necessary in your recovery. Do small things to take care of yourself, even if that means taking five minutes each day to do something for you. That may not sound like a lot, but it all adds up. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace.

[still small voice]

Thank you Waterlilly. I already feel connected to this community and it is mostly because I know someone is listening.

My H and I made some headway last night. He knows how I feel and I know he wants this to work. Its a good start but the challenge is up ahead.

Trough all of this, I am having a really hard time finding the balance between two things...

My God calls me to become a loving submissive wife. I am definitely a work in progress. He designed marriage to be something beautiful. He created man and woman with equal dignity but with different roles. Man was created to be the head; woman was created to be the helper. We are a reflection of the Trinity... There should be loving authority and glad submission in the context of this beautiful relationship.

But sin has messed it all up. We have husbands that won't lead and wives that don't submit and the balance is severely disrupted.

Personally, I feel like I want to steer the ship if I see trouble up ahead. When my husband lets me take the wheel I have a hard time giving it back when we are back in smooth water. I think he lets me have my station but he runs to the back of the ship and finds another wheel that is aligned with a different compass. I want to let go but I am so afraid of where he will steer us. And if no one mans the wheel, the current of culture will sweep us over the waterfall destroying the ship, our marriage, and ourselves. Know what I mean?

Anyway thank y'all again for listening.


Father God, help me find and stay on the path that you are calling me to... it is a tricky course with many traps and dangers. Father guard my marriage. Allow my husband to know your character and listen to your loving correction. It is for our good that you set boundaries for us and make us feel conviction when we go astray. Help my husband to see that I have many areas that I struggle with that cause shame and that I too need much correction. This is in no way all on him, it is every man and woman that has walked the planet. Father bind me close to my husband so that nothing comes between us. Amen.

[still small voice]

Ugg. I had a terrible evening defending my action of removing all of his computer bookmarks. I did this a few months ago after a bad confrontation. My perspective: I was tired of scanning all his bookmarks, some of which were sending me to sites I would prefer he didn't visit. I had lost count which sites were there last time I checked his list... I wasn't sure what were new (since our last fight) and what I had already found previously and questioned him about. So I decided to give him a clean start. That way I wouldn't be accusing him of of past behavior, just from that point forward. A fresh start. I was looking forward to only finding clean sites in the list he made from that point forward. Besides, did he really even look at the the mundane sites after their initial bookmark? I though it was a great idea at the time... because I wouldn't be wrongfully accusing him in the future, and his argument that the material that I might find in the future was anchent, possibly a past roommates, etc. would not hold water.

He realized the bookmarks were gone a couple of nights ago. His perspective: I threw away years worth of valuable bookwarks... A list that he would never be able to recreate. He was very upset and would not let it go. He drug up past hurts and I wished he would see my actions as being a result of his wrong behavior. He did mention that he realized that I was only "seeing red" during our last big fight. I felt like reminding him that the color red was not what I was viewing on his computer and not at all what I was unhappy about.

Instead I just stayed quiet. I appologised for deleting all the enteries, the good with the bad. He claimed the computer was really of no use anymore. That he was ready to retire it and just depend on his laptop. I want to stay married to him. Our marriage has a better chance if I am open with him about what I am feeling, but extending this fight did not seem productive. So I'm just trying to own my behavior, explain my perspective once, and leave it there.

One thing he does not understand is that trust is built up, not instantaneous. He accuses me of not trusting him. I say I am still healing and each time I search but do not find evidence of wrong behavior it builds another layer of trust.

[elle kay]

Personally, I feel like I want to steer the ship if I see trouble up ahead. When my husband lets me take the wheel I have a hard time giving it back when we are back in smooth water. I think he lets me have my station but he runs to the back of the ship and finds another wheel that is aligned with a different compass. I want to let go but I am so afraid of where he will steer us. And if no one mans the wheel, the current of culture will sweep us over the waterfall destroying the ship, our marriage, and ourselves. Know what I mean?

I love this analogy. We didnt ask to become mothers to our husbands, jailors, interregators, yet we had to, because like small boys they have run off in the opposite direction to love. You can only hand back the wheel when you feel safe that he is on the same path as you in the marriage

[Broken]

Ugg. I had a terrible evening defending my action of removing all of his computer bookmarks. I did this a few months ago after a bad confrontation. My perspective: I was tired of scanning all his bookmarks, some of which were sending me to sites I would prefer he didn't visit. I had lost count which sites were there last time I checked his list... I wasn't sure what were new (since our last fight) and what I had already found previously and questioned him about. So I decided to give him a clean start. That way I wouldn't be accusing him of of past behavior, just from that point forward. A fresh start. I was looking forward to only finding clean sites in the list he made from that point forward. Besides, did he really even look at the the mundane sites after their initial bookmark? I though it was a great idea at the time... because I wouldn't be wrongfully accusing him in the future, and his argument that the material that I might find in the future was anchent, possibly a past roommates, etc. would not hold water.

He realized the bookmarks were gone a couple of nights ago. His perspective: I threw away years worth of valuable bookwarks... A list that he would never be able to recreate. He was very upset and would not let it go. He drug up past hurts and I wished he would see my actions as being a result of his wrong behavior. He did mention that he realized that I was only "seeing red" during our last big fight. I felt like reminding him that the color red was not what I was viewing on his computer and not at all what I was unhappy about.

Instead I just stayed quiet. I appologised for deleting all the enteries, the good with the bad. He claimed the computer was really of no use anymore. That he was ready to retire it and just depend on his laptop. I want to stay married to him. Our marriage has a better chance if I am open with him about what I am feeling, but extending this fight did not seem productive. So I'm just trying to own my behavior, explain my perspective once, and leave it there.

One thing he does not understand is that trust is built up, not instantaneous. He accuses me of not trusting him. I say I am still healing and each time I search but do not find evidence of wrong behavior it builds another layer of trust.

Is he still using P, did you find any bookmarks/history referring to these? Were the bookmarks really of that much importance to render the computer of no use? I find that very hard to believe.

His reaction would appear to be that of those found out, initial anger, attempting to put the blame back on you. He has to realise that, when we have found evidence of P usage in the past, that of course we are going to be suspicious of their Internet use in the future, trust has to be earned.

He needs to realise that you need reassurance every day, you need him to be gently reassuring you no matter what your thoughts and actions.

Has he done any reading on the subject of the affect of P use on SO's? If not, he may still be under the misconception that "all men do it" and "you must be a prude if you have a problem with me using P". Reading any SO's posts here will certainly realise that you aren't overreacting and that so many other women feel as you do.