He made his choice... PA over me.

[redwingmessenger]

He can't have both, It's my turn to be selfish. After 8 years in this relationship and 2 long years of battling this addiction, we are both done with arguing and I'm so done with the disrespect and lies. Nothing in my 53 years has ever been as torturous or as painful as this twisted journey dealing with a PA. Who knew there was such a thing? Who knew that the iron grip of PA could be so crippling to a man? I've watched a smart, vivacious, talented musician go from being a productive human being to a mental vegetable. His inability to focus, motivate, cope with the everyday stresses of life... he's morphed right before my eyes! Detached from reality! He has once again sucked me dry, void of any feeling... totally numb. My ability to love and support no longer exists. I can hardly breathe.

[redwingmessenger]

A clarification on the timeline... It's been 8 years in the relationship. His addiction, by his own admission, has been going on for 30 years. D-day for me was 2 years ago. Internet P has driven him to new heights.

[JenMac]

HI Redwing!
Welcome to TTF!
I am sorry for your trauma and pain! But I completely understand the decisions you have come to!
Hard to understand the true affects of this unbelievable addiction until you are in the throws of it. I too, could not believe all I was to come to know.
I am glad you are here Redwing! I hope you find TTF to be the blessing in your life as it has been in mine. There are many wise and caring members here who will listen, encourage and support you on your way to healing.
I am glad you are here!
Jenn

[redwingmessenger]

Thank you for the warm welcome Jenn. I am in dire need of blessings, guidance and understanding souls who can relate to what I'm going through. The life of an SO can be very lonely and almost as isolating, as if I had the addiction. I am trying my hardest to get in motion and make the changes in my life that need to be made for my sanity. I feel like my life depends on it. Again, thank you for reaching out...

[maggie]

Welcome RedWing,

Your raw description of what this does to a human being is painfully true.

I've watched a smart, vivacious, talented musician go from being a productive human being to a mental vegetable. His inability to focus, motivate, cope with the everyday stresses of life... he's morphed right before my eyes! Detached from reality!

I watched my H's emotionless face as he sat silently at the dinner table..strangely staring into space ! The kids would ask what's wrong with Daddy? He quit golfing, avoided meeting up with his guy friends and retreated to his private office every night with the door closed. I was convinced he had either lost his job or that he was ill and was hiding this all from me.

I even called his doc and asked if they could test for Early Alzheimer's disease as part of his physical exam... he had all the symptoms ! Patients with EA disease withdraw from family and friends because it becomes increasingly difficult for them to follow conversations and respond. They tend to isolate and retreat from activities they usually enjoy...

Honestly, I never knew much about addiciton and only thought about addiction in terms of alcohol and narcotics.. that's it..

Two years ago I was forced to learn about the psychological and physical pull of addiction... and the destruction of people who live around the addict. ~Dysfunctional family~ use to be a popular term that was thrown around as a joke. This was no joke.
I've watched my H, myself and my family fall apart due to this personally offensive addiction.

And I do agree with you Red Wing... it is the LIES that ultimately destroy the relationship. And why wouldn't lying destroy any relationship ?? Would you even want a' casual friend ' who lies to you ?

It seems that when they are so deeply into it all, it takes some major event to startle and wake them from this hypnotic state.
Arguing doesn't work.

Have you tried printing out some of the research on PA or some of the posts of the men struggling with this on TTF ? Leaving it where he could glance at it when you're not around. There is some of that ' old macho ' stuff going on as well. If he sees that good strong men are struggling with this, he may not be so closed up about it.

maggie

[redwingmessenger]

Thanks for the welcome Maggie and your post. I have tried many things, beginning with what I thought was a very loving and supportive approach to his addiction. When I confronted him 2 years ago, I provided books and copious amounts of information on PA and its effects on the mind and relationships. I tried to get him to get professional help, but he believed he could do it on his own. We had a breakthrough moment and he committed to giving it up, transparency, honesty and open communication. I locked down the computer with filtering software, we disposed of his thousands of dollars worth of videos and magazines and set out to beat this, as a team. The open communications went well for about a year, he was well aware of what triggered his impulses and avoided them. His mind began to clear, he reestablished lost social relationships, we began to repair ours, he was reconnecting with reality. After about a year, he began to tell me that he no longer wanted me to talk to him about p, that it made him think about it and was counterproductive. That should have been my red flag. Instead, I trusted and watched. Computer still locked down, check... No new stashes of videos, check... Silly me.

Long story short, he is a musician and practices in the garage. I should also say that he suffers from anxiety and was self medicating with pot. In the financial downturn he lost his day job and was forced to give up the mj because of drug testing for a new position. This is a man who has been self medicating for years and years. The stress of the job loss and giving up his "meds" was too much. He knew what would help calm him... off the the store to buy 3 or 4 mags and to the garage. He could do it on the sly, no slack from his woman and he could calm himself. I busted him, he lost it and confessed that it had been going on for a year and that he had lied about it. I had just asked him the week before I busted him and he looked me right in the eye and lied. All the signs were there... the rages were back, his lack of s drive, avoiding intimacy and the inability to maintain an er. But according to him, it's no big deal, after all, they're only magazines. You still have the computer on lockdown, I can't afford videos, this stuff is tame. I don't have an issue with it like I used to, it's your issue. Needless to say his 1 or 2 times a day visits to the garage turned into 5, 6, 7, times a day. He was escalating after the bust, after I told him that my boundaries were set a long time ago and that they haven't changed. The last month has been pure he//, rage and verbal/mental abuse. He's angry at himself & me, if only "I" could accept his mb to mags. He literally said that he didn't need the help, that I needed coping skills. How can I support him any longer? He has chosen p! Maybe the shock of losing me will snap him out of it, maybe not. I can't live worrying whether his p relapse is right around the next corner. I deserve better.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for letting me vent.

[Disillusioned]

Hi RWMR,
Welcome to TTF. I am glad you are posting here and I can see you really need to be.
I am also sorry that this monster called P has invaded your home and eroded the life you felt you had with your h twice. That fact alone is going to strike a note of chill in the heart of the other SOs here, who have waited for signs of recovery and think they can relax a little. Our Jenn says she feels the need to keep fighting the addiction forward
in her life and in her marriage as a way of warding off relapse and continuing to maintain the effort of coping with life in a healthy present way. I know my h, and many of the sos here would like to bury this like something as ugly as P is, so we don’t have to deal with it ever again. The pull is out there for our PAs in all the ads, media, tv programs, even in sightless radio. When p is used as a soothing and calming effort for the PA, as it is for many of our men, it really takes effort to try to find the higher road in coping with stress in healthier ways. It is like re-training the brain to think and react, and it takes practice to maintain. Just as you have described the use of P is numbing for the man in emotional pain. It doesn’t do anything as far as creatively solving problems, it only hides them, reduces the pain temporarily, and welcomes a new problem called PA.

This addiction can drive a woman crazy. How do you stay in a relationship with someone you love and have invested a lifetime with, when you can’t trust them in this most basic, fundamental area of intimacy? Would you believe the DSM (official book of diagnoses of the psychiatric community) does not include PA as a diagnosis? It certainly has all the symptoms.associated with an addiction.

Will your h consider going back and starting with a good therapist? Warning here: there are many who say they can treat this and don’t have a clue. You have to be very careful here. Has he considered going to an SA group, based on the 12 steps of over-coming alcoholism that are used in AA? He is saying you have to accept something that is not acceptable in any way, shape or form. This is a frequent response of the PA who cannot come to terms with what he thinks he needs. It is his willing departure from his real life of having an intimate relationship with someone who loves him for a world of pictures, filth and illness, and it is so very sad. The numbers are growing everyday.

P has now garnered enough profits to attract the attention and investment of big business.
That is sad for all of us, because it means it is going to become harder and harder to get rid of this life-sucking leech that P is.

It took a hard wake up call for your h before. I don’t know if he will respond to that again or not. It is so hard to understand relapse of this significance. It is all p and if MB accompanies the viewing, it is not acceptable and not healthy. I don’t know if looking in the general discussion area of this site at the 14 methods of denial and showing them to your h might serve as a wake-up. It is hard to understand how they can be willing to cause their partners so much pain, and still want the p. There is so much bad thinking involved in this addiction.

My hope and best wishes are with you as you struggle with this again. I cannot imagine the pain of relapse, as I felt so incredulous with the first D Day. I am so sorry you are living in this heartache.
disillusioned

[redwingmessenger]

Thanks Disillusioned, for the welcome and your suggestions. Unfortunately, I feel like we are back at square one. He literally is back to his compartmentalizing and distraction phase. He has refused to seek professional help from day 1 and I know that he can't fight this addiction on his own. I don't know that I am the best person to try and help him through this, we're at the point again where I am the enemy. The level and severity of his lashing out at me has escalated and there is no talking him down.

I am going to print out the 14 methods of denial for him to read and leave it in a conspicuous place. I also know that he checks the history of the computer, as he knows I am seeking support through this. My hope is that he'll find this site and spend a moment reading some of the posts. I am guilty of the (his) ultimate taboo, which is to discuss his pa with a mutual friend. She has her masters in psychology and has tried to talk him into seeking help as well, to no avail.

He has to hit bottom and suffer a loss/shock before it sinks in. It will be a big loss, as I have been an enabler of sorts. When he is deep in the throws of his addiction he does nothing, absolutely nothing, it's as if he can no longer think. I have been keeping him motivated, job hunting for him and registering him with temp agencies. I feed him, do his laundry, have posted some of his valuables online (with his permission) to sell to help keep us afloat. I used to manage his band, do all the promoting and procuring paying gigs. I was his rock! I am no longer working with the band, no longer doing his laundry, I make one meal a day, dinner and if he's around to eat it fine. I no longer sleep with him or allow him to see me unclothed, he's lost that privilege. The one thing I do ask is that at long as we are under the same roof, we will try to respect each other and treat each other with kindness. I have virtually lost all hope that he will ever stop his pa/mb. As he said not 3 days ago, "I've been doing it practically all my life, I can't fight the urges and I'll die doing it."

For my own sanity and survival, I need to distance myself from him and his behavior. I have to focus on supporting myself financially and getting out of this very toxic relationship. Life is too short.

[JenMac]

For my own sanity and survival, I need to distance myself from him and his behavior. I have to focus on supporting myself financially and getting out of this very toxic relationship. Life is too short.

Hi Redwing!
Sadly sometimes it comes to this. And you need to look after you!
And whether it does so in this case or not, sometimes by making sure you are doing what is necessary for you, it will also prove to be what is necessary to him as well. But regardless, it sounds like you have been working hard to make things right in your marriage, that you have experienced the ups and downs for an extended length of time. It is now time to put the focus where it belongs, and that is on your health and wellbeing. Building your strength is imperative. Sounds to me like that has already begun.
Move forward Redwing, your life awaits you.
All the best!
Jenn

[redwingmessenger]

Thanks Jenn... it was nice chatting with you today and I look forward to speaking to you again. Once I have a moment, I'm going to start on your epic novel!