Letting go and letting God

[Jenny]

I have been with my husband for almost 9 years now. I have known of his p addiction for a little over a year. He probably had it before me and he will probably have it after me too.
Its been 9 years of lies. And it hasn't gotten better. At first, when we discovered the problem and discussed it, somewhat (he isn't a very big talker), we went to counseling, he went to counseling, I went too. He said he would stop, he wanted to stop. We had to move from Hawaii to Indiana, which is a very big move. I went through the whole house while packing and thought I got rid of it all, he still had his favorites hidden away in secret hiding places and brought them along for the move. I found those and they were the worst. The heart breaking, wow this is how bad his addiction is kind.
We started going to church. And he said that was helping him so much. He made friends. He seemed good. But he still relapses every other week or so. His lies have gotten so much worse. I have "caught" him so many times now. I cannot go like this anymore.
I realize that I have to let him go. He is not ready yet to let p go and until he is, he will never be my husband. And it is so hard. I am in so much pain. I am so angry. So hurt. Humilated that I cannot win over something fictional. But I am so tired too. I know I need to walk away. For me and my daughter. But this hurts just as much as staying.
I do hope that writing in this journal helps me. I have no one else to go to.

[JenMac]

Hi Jenny!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you found us!
Jenny, the despair we can feel from this is so very real! I am sorry you are suffering so!
I know that it must be hard to consider leaving, but I also know that staying while there is continued P use was just not an option for me and so I understand completely.
Jenny I like the name of your journal. I am a member of Alanon and so I know that slogan well. I didn't understand the meaning of it when I first saw it, but I sure do now. I have used that slogan over and over again in many situations. It has pulled me through many times.
Jenny, I have no words of wisdom for you but I can tell you that you have made a wise decision to come here for support and healing. This is a wonderful place, full of many kind and wise people who will listen and share a bond with you, something that I have found to be truly a blessing in my life.
Welcome Jenny!
Sending warm wishes and prayers your direction!
Jenn

[Charly22]

I know I need to walk away. For me and my daughter. But this hurts just as much as staying.
I do hope that writing in this journal helps me. I have no one else to go to.

Hi Jenny, I understand how you feel about how much it hurts, either way. It hurts if you stay and this continues, it hurts if you walk away from the love of your life. It does hurt to the core. And that's why I am glad that you have started a journal here. Glad that you can use your journal as that trusty friend you go to when you need to let it out. When you need to talk. When you need get some clarification. Sometimes, just taking the time to write it out, and let it out can bring you clarification, no matter what kind of great response or advice you might receive.

I know now when I look back, my worst move was not talking about this to anyone and keeping it inside and not addressing it. And it sure ain't something that you discuss with each and every "how are you?", know what I mean?

I hope you can find comfort and strength here. I hope you can think about what kind of boundaries you can set for YOU. I hope you can be strong for you and your husband both. I hope you continue to take a stand against this and no longer allow it to cause any further damage than it already has. I know you cannot control what your husband does. But you can control how you respond to it. You can control what you decide is good for your relationship. You can control taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, when others aren't.

I hope you will continue to share with us.....

[Disillusioned]

Hi Jenny,
I’m also an so and still trying to recover from finding out something that was held in secret so long. There is no magic formula, but I am happy to see that you have posted here. Unless someone has personally gone through this, or is trained to treat this very special addiction ( not all therapists are, even though they claim to be), it’s a very hard thing to understand and help. This addiction is not covered in the DSM, the official book of diagnosis of mental illnesses referred to by the medical community. None the less, it is an addiction.

So far, I have seen you do three things that help. You have found your own voice, and are certain this is not something you can live with, you have posted here which is a wonderful and compassionate site that tries to get positive thinking to take place, and you have established boundaries with your h. Those seem to be the the things that work. So many times, the guys are so lost that only hitting the bottom and losing the things that matter most will shake them enough to get them to really look.

Please look at our general discussion section at the 14 methods of denial that PAs use in rationalizing their addiction. Arm yourself with knowing how damaging p is to everyone, the addict, the actors, the spouse and family. You have chosen the right path, I believe. Good luck on this journey.
disillusioned

[Jenny]

Well, its been 3 days of driving from Indiana to Massachussetts. It was a very long drive, I have done a lot of thinking and I am sad to say, I am confused and hurt as the day I started driving away. I guess years of struggling with a problem won't make sense still after 3 days of heavy thinking.
I do feel good about leaving. I feel stronger. I have let my H get away with his lies and addiction for too long. I felt so weak, tired, angry and crazy. My life centered around his addiction. I was always trying to find out what else he was hiding. Checking the computers history, the credit card and bank accounts and the phone records. Searching the house over and over again. I'm scared to death of what will happen now but I am so happy to be away from that insanity.
What drove me to this point? My husband has been trying to quit p for a while now. He has been doing somewhat okay on his own. Our relationship was still the same, no improvement. He still would not talk to me. We should have gone to counseling but didn't. He had relapsed a few times, probably more, but I only caught him a few times and that is the only time he would confess. Four or five times in April and one other time after, end of April. I know I am not that good of a detective to always catch him, so there are probably more. I started asking him in April, over and over about them and over and over he lied. He didn't confess to it until last week to both incidents because he was busted. His view is I shouldn't be mad, it happened so long ago. But to me, I'm even madder because he was able to lie to me for so long. And to him it happened a long time ago, but to me it happened from the time he started downloading p on his phone in April to the time he finally confessed. Every day I was going crazy because I knew he lied, and it has been tearing down my soul every day till he confessed. I had to ask myself if I wanted to be with someone who could lie so easily to me. Day in day out was a lie. He was able to look me in the eyes every day and lie. He was more concerned about protecting his porn then protecting me and our marriage.
I'm proud of myself for leaving. For taking a stand and saying no more. I'm not sure what is going to happen now. If this will be a wake up call for him or if I will have to walk away for good. But I am not going to be in a relationship where p and lies are a daily part of life. Wow, I guess I did have a good thought or two on the long trip!

[JenMac]

I'm proud of myself for leaving. For taking a stand and saying no more.

I am proud of you too Jenny! You have shown a strength during this painful time and that really says something!
I am glad that you are taking a stand and deciding what is best for you. Like any addiction we can get sucked right into the crazy world that our loved ones reside in. It is not healthy for us to stay there! It is harmful to our health and wellbeing. It can make us as sick as they are, if we allow it. And this particular addiction is even harder for us because it hits so close to our inner soul.
You have done the right thing. I hope you can move forward knowing that it is most important that you look out for yourself, and let him make decisions knowing your boundaries are set firmly in place.
Hugs Jenny!
Jenn

[Jenny]

Well, it is morning now and I have awaken in my parent in laws house. They have gone to church, I slept in today after driving for so long. But the heart ache is so bad today. I want to go home, to my home. I want my things, my garden, my life. But if I had stayed and kicked him out, it wouldn't work. He would stop by. I would cave in and let him back in. I am just so sad today. I know it is part of the process and I will be okay. I want to call my H and yell at him for making me do this, for doing this to us, to me, to his daughter. But I know it will do nothing. That not calling is better for me. I am trying to get my act together and go for a walk, but even that seems like a impossible task. I just want to sit and cry. I am so hurt and angry and what makes it worse, is my husband will never understand how bad I feel. No matter how many times I tell him. The addiction will not let him.

[maggie]

Welcome Jenny..you are a very brave woman. I have so much respect for you for taking such an independent stand. I agree with Jenn and Disillusioned and Charly... you can get sucked right into the insanity of it all and find yourself scrambling for a breath of fresh air.

The filth, the lies, the deceit, the betrayal... it is more than any person should ever have to endure.

There are many SOs here that have risen above this and have turned their lives around, but as you read their journals you will see it was a long and tiring journey.. a 24 hour mindset of worry, concern and pain.

PA isn't an easy fix for anyone, the addict himself or the woman he destroyed. I'm hoping that you are headed to MA because you have family or a support network there. It's important to let others nuture you and be good to yourself while you are healing.

He is probably in shock right now, probably never ever believed that you would leave him. He will see now what he has given away in order to keep his p. He lost a real woman and a small child that love him, and he is left alone with animated pixels on an electronic screen. SAD!

maggie

[Jenny]

Hi Disillusioned. I did give him the 14 methods of denial. He didn't read them till after I left and didn't say anything to me about it, just that he read it. I think he is still in denial now, 4 days after I have left. Whats a girl to do? I think I will sue the p industry for damages and child support.

[Cupcakemomma]

Jenny,
You are so strong, and so brave. You WILL get through anything that happens. It's hard to be where you are but you did what you thought was best for you and your child, so take some pride in that and spoil yourself a little.