Letting go and letting God

[Jenny]

Well, it's been a week since I left. This is the hardest thing I have done. I hate being here in limbo. I still don't know what I will be doing, going back to my H or leaving for good. It's too early to tell. I like that I have less stress. I don't worry about things so much, like if a commercial comes on, or if we are at the store together and we have to pass the magazine rack, will his eyes be looking. It's nice to not judge my body to what he has looked at and thinking I will never be that and worry my husband will never be attracted to me. It's nice to finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and realize that yes, I will never be that, but the body I do have is beautiful with curves and realness. Though, I can only look for a couple seconds before I have to turn away, its a couple seconds longer than I use to look, which was none.
It's hard because I know I need to make a choice. If I go back to my H, am I strong enough to fight this battle with him. Will I be able to realize he will have a slip or two on the road to recovery. That he still has a long way to go and it won't be easy for him and it could be painful to me.
Or do I leave him and go through the pain of breaking up and move on? I won't have to go through every day wondering if this is the day he slips. Is he being truthful. Is he hiding things from me. Is he really going to work on recovering this time or is it a false front like all the other times. Am I a fool for staying.
I just don't know. And I know this is going to take time. I hate staying at my parent in laws house. I just wanna go home. But there is so much at home I don't wanna go home to.
Geesh, I need a therapist, fast.

[JenMac]

Will I be able to realize he will have a slip or two on the road to recovery.

HI Jenny!
I know everyone is different, but I don't think it is a given that recovering PAs will have a 'slip' or 2. In fact I would worry that by thinking that way, it is almost like expecting it to happen or giving permission in a way. I am sure not everyone feels that way, but I would have real trouble staying in a relationship in which that is happening. I would feel that it would only make it harder to stay the course when 'slips' are occurring. Might just make the fall harder?
Just my thoughts Jenny. I think you can set your boundaries in a way that works for you. After all, you are in the driver's seat when it comes to your leaving or staying and so I think you are best to state what you need to make you feel safe and secure. Then it is up to him to make a plan that moves him in the direction that is required upon the choice he makes.
All the best Jenny!
Stay strong!
Jenn

[Jenny]

Jenmac, I never thought of it that way, that I was giving him permission to slip thinking he would slip once or twice. I definitely have to set some boundaries which hasn't been easy for me to do or enforce. That is why I had to say enough and leave. If I had stayed and said enough, I would have caved like I always did. If I stayed in the house and kicked him out, I would have given in and let him back home with no real solution set in place. I hate being so far away from home, but its the best thing right now. I know that. It took me 3 days to drive to where I am, if or when I go back, I will have to really know it is time to suffer that long of a ride with a dog and a 2 year old! I guess my H and I should start talking soon about boundaries and possible solutions if I am ever to go home. And I need to make my boundaries a priority.

[Rockinastorm]

Hi Jenny,

I am sorry to hear that you are another victim of this terrible addiction. It is so frightening how slowly time passes when we are afraid and unsure of what the future has in store. It sounds like your week in MA has been absolutely awful, but the choice to leave was really brave of you. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave.
I hope that you find the distance to be helpful.
I hope your husband realizes how much you care about him not to have given up on him entirely.
Fighting this addiction will probably be the hardest thing he has ever done, and he is going to have to absolutely give everything hes got to fixing himself and your relationship. If he wants to have any hope of keeping you around, he needs to start showing you that he cares about you all the time. he wont change overnight, but if he is willing he will do everything he has to.
And He has 3 amazing reasons to change his behavior: You, your daughter, and himself!

Maybe asking him to come clean with everything would be a good idea? you might be able to judge how serious he is about the aspect of recovery by how honest he is. Make it clear that the only way to get through all of this is through it. not around it or under it or something. If he keeps lying to your face now, then you will know that he doesnt respect you enough to tell truth even to save your marriage. But if he does tell the truth, or as much of it as he can bear to admit to in one sitting, then you at least know he is willing to try to work with you, and that is a huge step.

Good luck and God bless you in this time of turmoil.

~Rockinastorm

[Disillusioned]

Jenny, I’m sorry there was no recognition of poor rationalization in him after reading the 14 methods of denial. After I gave them to my h, I asked if he recognized himself in any of them. He recognized one. I wrote examples of all but one on the sheet with his own words that he had used on me trying to justify his activities. The PA just makes it so they can’t see.

All men are attracted to women of fertile proportions, and all men have lust, but the wise men take the higher road, and do not feed the lust. Doing the latter results in a consuming monstrosity that will take them down, and their wives and families as well.

They become like rats in a lab with electrodes wired to their brains. When the rat presses a bar, the electrode fires stimulating the pleasure center of their brains. This is so pleasurable to them, that they ignore everything else, and neither food or a receptive female can draw them away from pressing the lever over and over again.

The human brain becomes remodeled in time, and it takes a while for it to recover. Even after they start on the right path, the addiction is always calling and wanting them back, so they really have to remain vigilant for the rest of their lives, in order to recognize what triggers the behavior and avoid it. It is not an easy thing to do. So many men use this as a tool to remove them from the discomfort of their own lives, and end up losing all that is precious to them in their real world. It is so sad, and so unnecessary.

Let’s hope h finally wakes up, but stick to your boundaries about how he will follow up getting this out of his life, so he can be present in the real world with you and your daughter. Best wishes to you and your family.
disillusioned

[Jenny]

Well, I'm going home, too early, I know that and my H knows that. But I am going. I'm driving back today. Basically, my parent in laws don't understand the depth of the problem and think that I am being too controlling by watching everything he does on the computer, phone and bank accounts. That I am expecting too much for him to turn the other way when a woman is walking down the street. I found that this is not the place for my healing or my H healing to begin. Plus with the money being an issue, right now, it's just not going to work with us so far apart. I am hoping that we will be able to do the work we talked about that needs to be done. The therapy, the honesty and putting fighting this addiction and everything that goes with it our first priority.
I'm scared. I have never been more frightened in my life. I am putting myself into that place that isn't completely safe from pain and heartache and risking it all again. And I have no power over him and his recovery and how much he is going to put into. But I hope the strength I gained leaving and trying to pick myself up the past week will carry over.
I am thankful for everyones words of encouragement and support. And though a part of me hopes you are not disappointed in me, I know I need to decide for me what is best and right now, though I am scared, I think this is best. At least I know, if things fall apart, I can pick myself up and drive across the country and leave it behind.
Wish me luck. And I will post again in a few days when I am home.

[JenMac]

And though a part of me hopes you are not disappointed in me, I know I need to decide for me what is best and right now, though I am scared, I think this is best. At least I know, if things fall apart, I can pick myself up and drive across the country and leave it behind.

Hi Jenny!
Noone here will be disappointed in any decision that you make for yourself! How could we be? We don't walk in your shoes.
You have many factors to consider Jenny and you are making the decisions that are best for you at this time. That is the best you can do in any situation at any time.
Jenny, I wish you a safe and worry free journey! I know that is a stretch but try to take this time to build your strength and resolve for the recovery and healing that is to come. Taking some much needed time out from the stress that surrounds us is not only necessary but wise as well.
Safe travels Jenny!
Hugs!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

HI Jenny,
No one is going to be disappointed in your strength or resolve. Everyone here wants what is best for you, and that is a healthy, loving relationship with an appreciative spouse. Even more, we want this to be a healthy family to raise a child in. You have demonstrated great strength in leaving. Believe in yourself and recognize your strength.
You have seen it, and HE HAS SEEN IT. If he doubted your resolve to leave before, he should have no doubt about it now. Also, he can see you still care and love him and want to make a healthy family life with him. P is not involved in a healthy, family life.

It is a destroyer, a thief and a liar. When he starts to recover he will realize it is alluring and always presents a deceptive seducer to him. He will also understand that he has to chose between his wife and life as he knows it and P. Hopefully, he will see that he really does want to take the higher road and be free of it, for you, but also for him.

God bless you on your journey, and on your return home. I pray that your husband has come to grips with the fact that he MUST change, and that this is intolerable.

Disillusioned

[Mac]

Hi! Jenny
Good luck with the long drive back home.
No one here will pass judgement on your decision to do what's best for you.
I hope by going back that you and your SO will be able to start the journey to recovery together.
It's a tough journey but it can be very rewarding if the 2 of you are able support each other and keep a focus on a common goal.
For you as an SO, from what i have learned and from my recovery experience, it is very important for you to be very clear and honest about what you need and expect for yourself.
I hope things can work out for you.
Come here for support when you need it. Lots of resourses here.

all the best
Mac

[Jenny]

Well, we made it home safely. It was a long drive. When I left Massachussetts, I was feeling defeated because I was only gone for a week. Thank you all for your kind words, understanding and support. For letting me know I wasn't failing by trying to save my family by coming home.
My H and I had some good talks on the way home. And I think us being stuck in a car for 2 days really helped us, it gave us time to talk and to be quiet and reflect.
I learned a lot in the past week about PA. I learned that my daughter and I deserve a happy healthy relationship and if we don't have that with my H, I can walk away. I learned that I am more than just a body to use. That I am special and that I am worthy of friendships with other people and myself. I learned that I love my H so much I am willing to chance being hurt again with the hope that he will recover and love me the way a husband should love a wife.
I also learned that not everyone understands PA. That some people will think me a prude for expecting him not to look. That not only strangers but my own family will have their opinions about me, my husband or P. And it is okay. As long as me and my husband are on the same page, that is what really matters. And as long as my H makes an effort everyday to work to fight this addiction, our family comes out on top. That my H may have a slip, but as long as he is honest with me, I know we will be okay and strong enough to fight this addiction. That not only did my H let his addiction take over and control him, I let his addiction take over and control me. I learned that we both have a lot of work to do together and that if we are seperated we won't be able to fight as strongly as we can together. And you are right Mac, the best thing I can do for my H is to clear and honest with myself and him about what I need and want. And my daughter deserves me putting myself on the line for a happy family as long as my H is fighting for it too. That my H is not perfect but at least he is trying to beat this for him and for us, I am lucky.