Letting go and letting God

[Disillusioned]

When you are tired like this, exhausted to the point of no longer being able to communicate, I suggest giving it to God to watch overnight. That may be oversimplified, but if you wake up the next day feeling refreshed, you might have the clarity of mind to see what you need to see in regard to your relationship.
I wrote to you earlier that it is really hard to recover without your spouse showing some evidence of recovery. It is hard, but not impossible. Maggie has recovered to a large degree.
She is able to post and give insight. You can feel her concern and hear her inspiration in her threads. She is such a blessing here. But her h does lag behind, and it leaves Maggie feeling numb to him and his feeble excuses. I am so sorry to see that and to see that her heart cannot sing as it should with the happiness of a recovered marriage. But if Maggie can get out there and live her life, even with a h who has not recovered; it shows it can be done. My h lagged behind so much, I thought I would lose my mind, but I persisted, and am better and have been better for a good while. There are members here who have walked away from marriages and given up. They are still recovering. We even had a widow here who was trying to figure things out for herself after her h had passed on.

Give it to God, Jenny, when you are tired. He will keep your place saved for you.

[maggie]

Hi Disillusioned... had to thank you for your kind words. For a second, I felt like a kid in school being awarded an unexpected honor! I am in the process of recovery, true. But very aware of my on-going anger and resentment...feelings I never had before, so I'm not a good role model. I wish this anger and resentment could be focused on someone or something else; I've tried that.... hating the p industry or the trashy women who work in it... but in the end.. it was his choice to deceive me and engage in it.

The travel-trust issue of Jenny really upsets me, because as you know D, this was a big part of our marriage as well. A man alone on the road, staying in hotels and eating in hotel bars and restaurants... just isn't helpful in a relationship. The portable laptop has increased access and availability to trashy things that use to be restricted.

I guess it's all about a man's character. His choices and his values.

[Jenny]

Thanks for replying. I have been busy moving, we are moving into our first home, bought, not rented. It's exciting and it has been keeping me busy. It has helped so much just to have something other than P to focus on. And its positive too!
When my H came home from his trip, I tried not to look through his things or the computer. I realized I needed to see the computer. He was upset that I didn't trust him but understood why I would want to look. I found nothing, but history is automatically deleted upon logging out. Everything is cleared. I was okay with it though.
I decided that I was not going to go looking through everything else. It really doesn't do either one of us good. I don't want to be a P cop or his mother. He knows what he needs to do. He knows the consequences. He is a big boy. And it's not me he really has to answer to, its God in the end. I am sure that God will let me know what I need to know when I need to know it. I don't need to go looking around for something to yell at my H for. I don't need to work myself up for this. God gave me insight to figure out what was going on long before I wanted to believe it. Now, maybe I am a little wiser and won't deny what reality is, I will be a little bit more aware. But also aware of how much I can and cannot control.
I like putting me first and not the battle of the P. P isn't worth it. I would rather focus on moving into my home and my little girl. And work on me when I can. I have been watching Joyce Meyers on tv lately, that woman is good. She really makes you think where you need to improve your life and that you cannot change other people but can change how you react to them. I have learned a lot from her. By watching her, I am more focused on my life and my wrongs than my H. Also my pluses! I'm praying more. I'm thankful more. I am almost feeling content, which is a lot for where us SOs start when we first come to this sight. I still have tons of improvement but I am okay with that. This time, I am working on my improvement for me, not him. If he wants me...great, if not, I will be okay. I love him dearly, but this addiction is his business, mine is figuring out why I let him do this to our family, him and most of all...me.

[Hopeful]

Hi Jenny!

Congratulations on your new house! How exciting to be making it your "home". Hopefully this is a new beginning for you both in every way possible.

I hear you on checking things. There does come a time when they have to stand up on their own two feet and do what is best for themselves and us. We can only be supportive and show them the way, they have to do the rest. Trust your instincts because they have never let you down in the past when you knew something was wrong. I'm glad to see that you are focusing more on yourself also. It is very important for us to think for and of ourselves in a time like this. Sometimes we are not used to doing that but we certainly do need to now.

I just discovered Joyce Meyers last week and I have to say I love her! It was her show on True Greatness. We've been watching her everyday since. She has such a way of explaining our life with God and simplifying everything into common sense between right & wrong. I'm really happy that you have found her so early in your healingl.

Have fun decorating!

[waterlily327]

Congrats on the house Jenny! That is wonderful, and so exciting! I can’t imagine how busy you must be! I am really happy reading your last post, because it sounds like you are really finding out what works for you in terms of coping with this. Your husband traveling for business makes it more difficult, but you sound like you’re doing well! Good luck with your move, and enjoy your house Jenny!!

[Disillusioned]

"The travel-trust issue of Jenny really upsets me, because as you know D, this was a big part of our marriage as well. A man alone on the road, staying in hotels and eating in hotel bars and restaurants... just isn't helpful in a relationship. The portable laptop has increased access and availability to trashy things that use to be restricted.

I guess it's all about a man's character. His choices and his values. " from Maggie, above. Now, I can't get the bold to go off!!! Sorry....

Travel is exactly where my h got into trouble too, Maggie and Jenny. I even made sure I was available to 'comfort' him before he left, as I knew men are geared differently than we are. It wasn't enough. He made decisions that were unworthy of him and ended up hurting us both, and he did know better and was taught better.
Lust leads our men into p, and then p and mb leads to the oxytocin in their own brains inviting p back as an addiction because they have taught their brains that P equals release and reduced stress. So the oxytocin that was designed to have mom bond to baby, and husband and wife to each other, is subverted to p, binding our men to it in addiction. They are the ones that invited it in. We suffer their virtual or other infidelity as innocents left behind, but they unknowlingly invited the p in to allow it and their own body to make them slaves to the p that was started by their lust.
The whole thing is sad.

I hope Jenny's h and all the other PAs here realize what is going on and are able to reboot their brain. The pull from p will always be there, and it started with them inviting it into their own brains with lust and in secret.

Note to Maggie. You are wonderful. Your h is not recovered and makes no efforts to help himself, yet you come here and share your insights and gifts with all of us. I know how it feels watching man after man, turning around while yours is still stuck with his addiction, stubborness, and unwillingness to see. Yet, you have gone on, and still come here...doing and being the best you can be in a miserable situation. So take the first grade-like award, Maggie. It was not earned easily.

[vintageturtle]

Congratulations on your house! And it sounds like you're in a good place emotionally. It's really hard to let go like that, but it's such an important step. I think that was a problem for me in terms of how I approached our relationship; I had this idea that to be truly in love, I had to not be able to live without him. But that's not really the way to be happy, regardless of how the relationship ends up. It was hard to have to get to this point while working through the PA stuff, but I think it's something I needed to do, one way or the other. You also pointed out that he is primarily accountable to God for his actions; that's another thing that took a while to sink in for me, and I think the two are related. In one case, you (I mean the general you) are trying to make a human provide the kind of fidelity and happiness that only God can; in the other case, you're trying to take on the responsibility and authority of God over sin and forgiveness. In both situations, you're trying to make a human take on a role that rightly belongs to God.

[waterlily327]

Hey Jenny, how are things going with your new house? I am sure you are busy, but I wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. I hope you are doing well and that you are loving your new house!!

[Jenny]

Thank you Waterlily for checking in on me. I am doing pretty good. Exhausted. I am trying to get the new house in order and clean up the old house. The landlord was so nice to us that I want to leave it in better condition than I found it. But doing all this with a 2 year old is pretty close to impossible! Small steps everyday.
My H and I are finding a peace together. Somedays are tougher than others. We are learning to say when we are upset with each other and give each other space when that happens. That is a good step. He is still struggling daily. He just hasn't found his groove yet.
I have been praying a lot, reading a lot and trying to figure when to speak up and when not to. My prayers have changed lately. Instead of praying for my H to change, I have been praying for me to change. I have tried everything, crying, lecturing, yelling, throwing things, moving out, kicking him out and none of them have really helped him or me. So now I just pray for me to change to better help him the way God can use me. And I just have to have the love, forgiveness and patience for my H that God has shown me in my life. It's hard, but it really seems to help me. Praying and surrendering to God helps me let go a little bit more. And it is easier to trust God and surrender to Him than it is for me to trust and surrender to my H as of yet. I also read my alanon books a lot, I love them. It's amazing how when you stop focusing on him and his addiction and all the problems it brought and start focusing on yourself, you see how much work needs to be done in yourself. I am quick to accuse, blame, judge. I sometimes say things before thinking. My train of thought was on the negative and not the positive. I let my emotions rule my life. And used them to justify the way I reacted to everythng. I could go on but I want to keep thinking positive!
I'm really happy with my house. It's amazing how well my furniture fits in the home. It never seemed right in the other homes we have lived in before but here, it just goes together so well.
My medication is starting to work. I no longer feel anxiety for no reason now, only for times when it seems normal to have it. I love that. I think I am almost feeling the most normal I have felt in a long time. Not like I will crack at any moment. I think being so busy really helps. And seeing the way things are slowly coming together are a great reward. Maybe right now my relationship is not growing as fast, I am not seeing the outcome I want now, but it is slowly coming better.
I don't know if my H will ever completely "get it". Maybe he will. Right now, I just got to work with what I got. And I am trying.
Again, thank you for checking in on me!

[vintageturtle]

Glad to hear that you are finding your groove, Jenny. I found it very humbling to realize how much work I needed to do and how important it was for me to focus on that when I first started learning about recovery for both me and my h.