Letting go and letting God

[JenMac]

I am sorry for your pain Jenny!
Grief can be immobilizing. It can seem to bury us for a time.
But you are right, it won't last forever. You will go on.
As for whether your H will ever understand your pain? Well that is dependent on many things but I can tell you, that it often takes hitting a bottom to shock them into even wanting recovery, and what you have done may very well have that affect on him. Regardless of whether it does or not, you did not come to this decision lightly and so you must believe it is the best thing for you at this time. Be gentle with yourself. You are suffering through a true trauma in your life. But even though it is hard to think of it this way at this time, try to remember that you are safe, you are strong. This too shall pass!
Sending huge hugs!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Welcome to TTF Jenny. I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation (and sorry that I am so late greeting you!), but TTF is a wonderful, healing place. You are a strong woman for being able to stand up for yourself and your daughter. You deserve better than what your H has been able to give you. I am sorry that you have already suffered through 9 years of lies and pain, but you are standing up for yourself now. I hope you will continue to post here on TTF. So many women (and men) in our situation have found healing support here. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

[Jenny]

it's so hard waking up in the morning. I wake up, realize that I am not home, realize where I am and why and it just hits like a ton of bricks. I feel like I am in highschool and I just got dumped by my boyfriend. I feel so much hurt and pain from what I went through, from what I am going through and what has been lost. I have talked to my h and it hurts me that I left him and he still has not taken any steps towards helping his addiction. Well, he has posted on here a couple of times but hasn't read anything besides my posts. I guess that is a start, but I want more, is that wrong? I still feel like he is more into protecting his P than protecting me and his daughter.
I did go for a walk today, had to get out of the house, I was just sitting in it crying. I walked to the park with my daughter. I was watching all the other moms and wondering what dark secrets their family is hiding. I just can't see that any family is normal at the moment. I ended up making a friend! I haven't made a good new friend for over a year. That was an awesome accomplishment for me since I usually hide and isolate from people. We talked for 3 hours and I found out she was divorced because her husband was a drug addict. We talked and I found out how alike we were. She asked me some good questions for me to think about, about staying with my h or going. It was something I really needed, it was amazing. Maybe there is hope for me after all. Maybe there is life after addiction. I'm still terribly sad, but I do see some sort of glimmer of happiness for me out there.

[Charly22]

Funny how life seems to bring us what we need, if we will just get up off the couch and DO SOMETHING! Anything, ya never know what might happen!

[Jenny]

Okay, so I left my husband because I could not stand another day of his lies and me searching the house, the computer, the phone and the bank accounts. I had to get away because I was going crazy. My life was completely about finding out what he was doing and to prove that he did wrong and he lied. I neglected my daughter at times, the housework (unless I was cleaning to find something!) the dog and the cats and myself. I drove many miles away from him and the house and the addiction and my obsession. Now I am hundreds of miles away from him, why is he and our problems always on my mind? Why when I wake up, the whole thing hits me like a ton of bricks, every time. Why when I take my daughter to the park, I stare at all the other moms and try to figure out which ones are putting on that fake smile though they have the same problem at home as I do? Why when I am walking i wonder what he is doing and if he is being good? Why does the pain in my heart remind me every second of the day of what I lost and what I lost it to? When I look in my daughters eyes I see what she should be having and see what she has lost?
I thought by leaving, leaving him the house, everything, my crazy obsession would leave or lessen at least. And it hasn't. I would love just 30 minutes of not thinking of all that is lost and all that is P. I would love to watch television or walk down the street and not have visions of what my H has done and looked at. To not see every other woman in the world as a potential fling in my H mind. Why can't i believe that I am a beautiful, sexy, maybe even someone people might be around instead of feeling like I don't have the right to be anywhere?
I thought driving away would bring me sanity. At least some. I thought driving away would help me. Though it was awesome I had the nerve to go and stand up for myself, nothing else is making me feel better. I know it will take time, I need to lick my wounds, feel pain, get help and slowly it will fall into place. I just didn't think it would hurt this bad. I love him. But love isn't enough. Life is not a fairytale and the beatles had it wrong, you need more than love. I still have hope that things will work out and that is good. But I am preparing myself for both, if I go back, it will take some nerve and if I leave it will also take some strength. I just didn't expect this much pain to hit me, especially with all the pain I have felt for the last 6 years or so. I do hope some of you out there have some good words of wisdom on this.

[cvanden]

I hear you and welcome you. It is so very hard to leave the man you love, I get this too. I'm not on the other side of the pain yet so all I can offer is that this is a very warm community. Keep writing, take care of yourself and try to be patient and kind to yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

Much support coming your way,
Colleen

[Disillusioned]

Jenny, his addiction isn't about something you lack, it is about poor thinking in him. It's about a society that uses female bodies to sell everything. It's about his feeling entitled to do this and probably thinking all men do, when they don't.
Do what you need to keep your sanity. If you need a break, get out so you can breathe. 100 miles away, a 1000 miles away, I believe we so's take our marriage and our relationships with us. Our PAs seem to be able to live in compartments in their lives. Your leaving may make him realize what he is losing. You can't do it for him. Do what you have to do in order to be able to get up in the morning, invest in yourself and your feeling better, and make your child feel secure.
The sun will come out tomorrow. The universe is still unfolding the way it should. Removing yourself might just allow the pain to let up a little. If you get busy and make different connections, you might just find others feel like you do. Don't ever let P make you feel less than you are. It is lies, pretend, false....what a poor choice for anyone to pick, rather than a loving devoted partner.

Hang in there for you and your daughter. It is all you can do. It is up to your h to self-examine and decide whether or not he wants to live in the real world.

Good luck, Jenny.
disillusioned

[Cupcakemomma]

Jenny, I know it's not much comfort when you are feeling so very low, but you have people here, no matter how anonymous, who think you are strong, and kind and beautiful in spirit. Heres a hug and some chocolate just for you:

[JenMac]

Hi Jenny!
I am so sad for you at this time. I have no words of wisdom but I do know that this will lessen over time. I do know that it can be so all consuming and that doesn't just disappear overnight. But it can dissolve with time and healing. You have been through a trauma Jenny and you learned to respond to that trauma by trying to control what indeed you had no control over, as it is his affliction, not yours. There is no controlling someone else but in order to lessen it's affects on us, we certainly do try. Now you have realized that that is not healthy for you in any way and you have decided to step away from it. And that is a very good thing. But the affects from this are still affecting you. You haven't had a chance yet to put yourself on the path to healing. But Jenny! You are on your way! You have taken the first steps! You have recognized how badly this has affected your wellbeing, and you have taken yourself out of that situation. Now your heart and brain just needs to catch up! Give yourself time Jenny! You have indeed been through a trauma!
Here is a link that will help explain what you may be feeling. I know it hit home with me and many others.
Trauma to SOs

Hugs!
Jenn

[Charly22]

I do hope some of you out there have some good words of wisdom on this.

Wisdom? Not sure about that.....but I hope you can be proud of the fact that you did this to protect yourself. To care for yourself. To be kind to yourself. All those reasons......keep doing 'em. Keep being kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. And I agree with you, you have to allow yourself time to lick your wounds, but don't you stay down there too long. You pick yourself up and take that power and strength you are gaining and you run with it Jenny. YOU deserve to have peace!