Mending the whole in my heart...

[mary b]

Ok, so I've been here at TTF for over 5 days now and have FINALLY gotten around to starting this journal with the encouragement of so many of the wonderful new friends I have made here at this forum in just a few days. I must start by saying that TTF was a God-send to me during this tumultous time in my life and I thank my friend Dave whom I met on another forum for directing me to this one..I feel AT HOME here, surrounded by people who are feeling what I'm feeling, are non-judgmental and so very kind at offerring words of advice and wisdom to me. Thank you ALL OF YOU for showing me such a great amount of love in such a short time already!
I am a 46 year woman with a purpose-driven life. I have been married to an alchoholic/drug addict for over 18 years and have two wonderful boys who live with me. I am a "helper" by nature, being a Sagittarius, I "seek out those in need", and I love doing it but after dealing with my now ex-husband for all of those years, I decided I had to leave,mostly at the request of my boys at the time. I have a great relationship still with my ex and will never stop praying for his full recovery from his addiction. Shortly after my divorce, I began chatting with different people online and starting "falling prey" to different guys on the internet, even managing to meet up with one of them for a very short-term affair...I was in a loveless, sexless relationship for almost 10 years with my ex-husband and it felt so good to have other men actually pay attention to me. It was during this time of internet chatting that I met my current b/f...at the time we were chatting he had a steady g/f of 3 years but there were problems he indicated and that he was tryinng to get out of the relationship due to legal issues, etc. I became his "online friend" and talked to him daily trying to convince him to get out of a toxic relationship with his g/f and then gradually he did. During this time however, he and I managed to become more than "just friends". Within a few months of dating, he moved into my home with me and my boys. Life was good, or so I thought. Our first year together was truly amazing. We did so many fun things together, our love life was beyond great and he was the kindest man I had yet to meet in my life. We rarely ever fought, and when we did it was because of one of his what I called "DISAPPEARRING ACTS", when he would be M.I.A. for an hour or up to four hours at time when he wouldn't answer his cell phone or any of my texts and I would be absolutley beside myself. Not once did I originally suspect that he was cheating because I knew that he and I had a great sex life and he told me that he loved me and I believed him. Over the next couple of years, things got progressively more active in regards to his DISAPPEARING ACTS, he was spending a ridiculous amount of time locked up alone in our home office on his computer and instead of sharing a cell phone plan with myself and my boys to save money, he chose to get an I-phone of his own! All of the warning signs were there, but this girl was too stupid to see any of them.
My one realization when I came to see that there was a problem is when my older son actually caught him chatting with two women online one time and actually captured the conversation on video stating how he was planning to meet them and going into detail of what they were going to do, etc. very graphic...When I confronted him, he denied it over the phone until I told him that I had PROOF of his cheating at which point he rushed home from work and dealt with it only to say that he loves "chatting' and that he had no intention of meeting up with either of them. Aside from the chatting, I knew he loved his porn and was constantly M to it either while noone was at home or while I was asleep upstairs waiting for him to come up to bed with me. We did seek the help of a sex therapist as a couple a little over a year ago and I thought things were going well but my b/f never came clean during any of the sessions, so they were useless to us as a couple but did prove to be fruitful in the long run and you'll see.
FIVE WEEKS AGO TONIGHT, I asked my b/f to leave the house during the wee hours of the morning because we were fighting, I cannot recall exactly over what, something petty, but I think that deep down inside I just was having all-around bad feelings about what he was doing with his spare-time etc. I should mention however that prior to this, about two months ago, he confessed to me that he had had an affair with a woman earlier on back in our relationship and he said he couldn't hold it in anymore and just outright confessed to me, so this has been in the back of my head for quite some time and may have had something to do with what I was thinking at the time. Normally, if we fight and he leaves, it's only for a day or two at most...this time was different. We were still talking, texting and even saw each other once in a while, but when I asked him when he was planning on coming home he responded, You MAY NOT WANT ME HOME AFTER YOU HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU. He proceeded into a full-blown confession exactly one week after he had left and I think I dealt with it pretty damn good. No crying, no hitting...I was a real trooper...He told me about all of the women he had hooked up with during our five year relationship, the thousands of dollars he had spent in private strip clubs, the online dating sites he had been on...quite the shock! He told me he wanted to get help. I found an SA meeting for him that same nite..he attended but then left after a 1/2 hour because he found it too religion-based. I understood.I proceeded to get the names/numbers of local CSATs in the area...gave him the #s and as of yet, he still has not called.
When I ask him why, he states no money as a reason even though I told him that I'm sure his parents or even I could help him out, and he says he wants to take little steps and started by eliminating pics of some of his chatting girls off of his computer in my presence. And let me add, these girls he was hooking up with were everything that i am NOT...I am fit, attractive and take very good care of my health/body...they were almost all the extreme opposite and besides what kind of women hook up with guys like this behind their husband's backs and think nothing of meeting up with an online chat buddy to give them a quicky bj in their cars? Sick, sick people out there.
So, here I am today at WEEK FIVE...we have gone on several great dates since he has left, talk to each other every day and still vow that we love one another, but every time I try to bring up why he hasn't called a therapist yet, he diverts from the subject and says he doesn't want to come back home until he is sure he won't stray again. I told him that I am his best friend and was that before I ever became his girlfriend and that he can confide anything and everything to me...I think he knows that but he really is inching his way along. I talked him into reading a little bit of one of the PA's journals on here this morning and he told me that he would like to spend some night reading more with me on here..I take this as a good sign I pray each and every morning and night that the day will soon come when he approaches me and says I HAVE MADE AN APPT WITH A CSAT AND AM READY TO COME HOME. Please keep us in your prayers as I will do the same for each and every one of you on here as well.
Sorry about my whole life history here, but it feels good to finally get this off my chest!

[Disillusioned]

HI Mary B,
Welcome to TTF. This is a good place to be when your whole world has been shaken and someone that you loved and felt was so wonderful and honorable has disappointed you so badly that you begin to feel “stupid” for missing the signs of what really was going on. I remember feeling that I had to be a terrible judge of people to not be able to see what was real and for having so much trust in a traveling husband. The traveling salesmen jokes were no longer funny. So, I am glad friend Dave pointed you here. I am afraid you will find many stories with parts that sound like you could have written them.
You also will receive loving encouragement from many who have walked along the same path. You can go about your normal life and not reveal “What’s wrong?” to people who know you well and see you often.
Regarding the boyfriend…. A quick feeling I get when reading your post, is that your BF doesn’t really want to stop yet. I imagine he doesn’t want to hurt you, but he cannot and will not stop and doesn’t believe there is any way he can stop himself at this point. How sad for him, and how heartbreaking for you.
You have given him access to the tools he needs to get going. How sad that he can spend so much money on all of these women he has acted out with over the years, and now can’t afford to pay for help, even with family that is able and a loving girlfriend who are willing to help pay for it. You have told him how important he is to you and how committed you are to him. Right now, he is choosing P and acting out over his relationship with you. When he hits bottom, he will seek help, as he will be absolutely unable to do anything else.
For now, I believe your best option is to take care of yourself, go out with friends, enjoy your sons, keep yourself busy, and keep exercising as that seems to let out a lot of the frustration a loving partner feels when their mates prefer new, virtual, and make believe over the real thing. He doesn’t want to lose you completely because he knows you love him, and in his heart, he holds you dear. BUT, he is lost in his addiction and until he is willing to make a change for him, there is nothing you can do but let him keep doing so.

That is blunt, Mary B, but it is a well known fact. Take a look at the 14 methods of denial, PAs use to justify their behavior. Take a look at what happens to their brains after using P and MB long-term. You might show it to your bf.

I can identify with being a “helper.” I was a nurse before I retired and I am still a nurse, even if I don’t earn a paycheck. I want people to be happy and healthy. Unfortunately, there is only one person that you can make do that, and it is you.
I posted this yesterday on TTF. I found it on another site.
[h=2]Serenity Prayer with a twist (from another site)[/h]
God grant me the
Serenity to accept
the People I cannot
change, Courage to
change the One I can,
and Wisdom to know it's Me
This is the sad truth about PA/SA. You may be able to slowly get him to turn around by showing him things on TTF. I will also tell you that their turning is a process, and it can be painfully and hairpullingly slow to an SO who loves and just wants her partner back and able to focus on their relationship together. I have seen many who have turned around at TTF, and sadly, I have seen some very wonderful women give up on hard-hearted partners and walk away. Either way, you should know that the SO’s recovery is more work and longer than their wayward partner’s.
Best wishes as you go your way and find your truth and strength. This hurts in a way that disappointments and hurts you’ve experienced before seem small in comparison. It’s a sad waste of time, since illness and injury and death happen to all of us, and it takes a terrible toll on the SO as she waits and hopes her partner will “get it.”
disillusioned

[mary b]

Hi Disallusioned, thank you for your kind words and warm welcome. None of what you said is blunt...it is the truth and a couple of months ago, I probably couldn't have dealt with it, but now I can.
After completing my Journal on here last night, I tried to get some much-needed rest but it was disrupted by scattered texts from him, just little playful texts until basically 2:00a.m. Out of frustration my last text I sent him last night said this: I had a very fun weekend with you hun and it pains me to see you go every time but now i know why you're not here...you can't continue your addictive behaviors HERE but you can THERE..makes perfect sense...they don't care and I do...call me once you've decided to take some action hun...good luck.
He called me first thing this morning on his way into work. He acts as if nothing is wrong and asks me if he should spend the night with me tonight seeing we have some school-related work to do tomorrow morning (he and I are both starting back to college this Fall!)...I told him that I was frustrated as hell and I told him why..Yesterday afternoon while he was sitting on his computer in the office, he told me he wanted to watch some porn. I asked him why and he said because he did not want to have sex with me because it was "that time of the month" for me and it grosses him out...ok, that's understandable to some extent, but we had just done the deed the day before and he was ok with it then...go figure...so I just left him to think about what he had asked me and left the room..Normally I would come back and the door would be closed indicating that he was up to no good. But this time it wasn't, even after an hour or so..At one point, I even left the house for a half hour to run and errand and when i returned the door was still open and he was watching the same non-porn video he had been watching from before. I thought this was huge and commmended him for it. However, when I texted him last night and asked him if he gave into his urges after all, he admitted that he had, using his I-phone to watch the porn on. How sad. All because he is staying at his parents' house and noone there is taking notice of what he does like I do...therefore reinforcing my text that I had sent him!
I reminded him that exactly one month ago he had asked me for the name of a CSAT that our therapist had recommended to us so I gave him her name and phone #...I told him that he would not have asked me for it, if he didn't really WANT it, so I ended our conversation this morning with: "Don't bother calling me again until you've made the call, whether it's today, tomorrow , or a month from now...do it for me and do it for you!" So, I'll be curious to see if I get that call..I can wait...I am not being overly demanding, I just want to be treated fairly and with the same respect I show for him..I deserve that...wish me luck and hopefully I will make it through my day today without falling asleep!!!

[TooSensitive]

Mary, I am glad you told him what you have. Please stay strong and continue to honor yourself. I know that with my h, he had to fear losing me, before he began to take some action, in the way of getting into recovery. He did not want to get into recovery, but his fear of losing me became greater than his resistance to getting into recovery. For awhile, he was only going through the motions to appease me and to keep me in his life. When I figured out a year later that he was only skimming the surface in recovery, that is when I demanded that in-house separation. And it was enforcing that separation, until I felt safe in resuming a relationship with him, that allowed me to put the fear of God in him, as far as the prospect of losing me. I feel they have to fear losing us on a deep level, before they start to change. If they're just saying to themselves, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard this before, and she's still here in my life", then it hasn’t shaken them up enough.

If we are still “having a good time” with them on some level, then sometimes that is all they need to feel secure in the fact that we are still in their lives. I had to cut my h off in nearly every respect to make him fear losing me. We did not spend any time having “fun” together. I was civil to him, but I held up my guard, in terms of how I interacted with him. I didn’t want to do anything that might cause him to think I wasn’t on guard. If he knew I wasn’t on guard, he would have tried to sneak back in again, or he may have felt secure in thinking he still had me on enough of a level that I wasn’t going to leave him. I had to make sure he knew the danger of me leaving him still existed, at all times. I wasn’t going to give much of myself to him, until I knew he was working on giving up all the other women. I did this most of all to protect myself, though in the process, it did send him a very strong message, and he got that message loud and clear.

Even with all that, once we got back together, his complacency returned, though I’m not sure why. I think it was b/c he still didn’t see the benefits to himself of changing, and therefore, he did not really want to change for himself too. And b/c he had me back, he relaxed in terms of his recovery. They should never relax when it comes to their recovery, b/c when they do, that’s when trouble creeps back in.

All over again, albeit in a different way, I had to make him fear losing me again. I have had to do that several times now, though I only did it with an in-house separation one time.

I agree with D. It seems your b/f doesn’t really want to stop yet. You know this too, b/c you yourself wrote, ”it pains me to see you go every time but now i know why you're not here...you can't continue your addictive behaviors HERE but you can THERE”

So Mary, I hope and I pray that he begins to see the light and the error of his ways. For both his sake, and for your sake, too.

In the meantime, keep doing what you need to do for yourself. I feel that trying to maintain a connection with them, when they are not yet willing to stop the addiction and start working on becoming sober, only sends them the message that we are still here for them. IMO, we shouldn’t make ourselves available to them, when they are still mired deep in their addiction. We can let them know we are here for them after they’ve taken that next step towards climbing out of their pit, but we should not be here for them until they do. B/c to me, IMO, “that” is enabling. If we are still there for them, yet they haven’t made that commitment to recovery, we are making it too easy for them to stay in their addiction. If we are still there for them, yet they haven’t made themselves or us a reason to recover, then it seems they have no incentive to recover. We should not have to push them into recovery, but sometimes, that is what it takes to get them started. Yes, the odds are greater that they will achieve recovery if they get into for themselves, too, and not just for us. But I still feel that sometimes, that is what it takes to get them headed in the right direction, and without a push from us, they won’t ever go there.

So I am glad you told him not to bother calling, until after he’s made that appointment. I think what you told him is perfect…

“Don't bother calling me again until you've made the call, whether it's today, tomorrow , or a month from now...do it for me and do it for you!"

I hope and I pray you do get that call, sooner than later. Yes, it is encouraging that he mentioned wanting to read here at TTF with you. If he does it on his own without you, and keeps doing it, that is an even better indication. In the meantime, in the absence of that call, please stay strong and stick to your guns, Mary. Even if he tries to wear you down otherwise. Stay strong, and don’t let him get to you, if he tries.

He may start out seeking recovery only to keep you in his life, but chances are, eventually, he will come around and also want to change for his own benefit. I still feel that until they do, it is better for them to be in some type of recovery, than none at all. I feel they still get something out of it, even if they are not getting everything out of it that they could, and would, if they were also committed to changing for themselves, too. Quite often, eventually, they do cross that threshold of wanting it for themselves, too. It took my h 2-1/2 years to also want it for himself, but he seems to be there now, finally.

Be patient, Mary. Sometimes good things really do come to those who wait. When a man really loves a woman in the ways he claims, he will end up going to the ends of the earth for her, and he will end up looking inside himself, and he will turn himself inside out, if that is what needs to be done. And along the way, he will learn how to love himself as well, and possibly for the very first time in his life.

I don’t doubt that your b/f loves you, as he claims. It’s just that when they’re still viewing p and hooking up with other women, it isn’t possible for them to love us as much as they claim, or as much as they would if they gave it up. We all know how much p, and all forms of lusting, stands in the way of real love.

[mary b]

I don’t doubt that your b/f loves you, as he claims. It’s just that when they’re still viewing p and hooking up with other women, it isn’t possible for them to love us as much as they claim, or as much as they would if they gave it up. We all know how much p, and all forms of lusting, stands in the way of real love.[/QUOTE]

Very well said and I just hope that I live to see the day when the love of my life realizes this ON HIS OWN and can give me 100% of himself...I've been happy with 50% of him all these years, so i can only imagine how much HAPPIER both he and I can be if he gives up the p altogether!

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words!

[Disillusioned]

I think you're going in the right direction setting the boundaries you expect. I wasn't able to do that, as mine traveled. I had no idea what he was doing, but I do know there would be more opportunity to act out in anger in that situation. If he sees that you are firm and not going to change your stance, he might extend a first move as a olive branch. It is necessary to get him to see (at TTF we
refer this to the PA 'getting it') that it is not just about saving the marriage and appeasing you, it is about a change that is needed in him, in his faulty thinking. If you are given the opportunity, get him to read the 14 ways that PAs use denial to justify their behavior. Many of these come straight from the p purveyors who are making money on this junk. Tactics similar to those used by Big Tobacco to lasso and addict smokers are used by the P industry. They even have a powerful p lobby, and now big business has smelled all the profit to be made by this and is investing and making it harder yet to regulate or eliminate.
Our country is in the odd position of having itself decay from within as addicts who think their behavior and use is normal become more and more addicted. An analogy of pas to lab rats with electrodes attached to their brain pleasure centers that are stimulated by the pushing of a lever in a cage then becoming so in need of that electrical stimulation over and over again, until they lose interest in eating and do not notice a receptive female, can be made to a pa clicking that mouse over and over again for more pixel images, over and over again, till the brain is so remodeled the man can no longer function with a living woman. Many end up losing jobs, sitting in cheap, messy rooms with their addiction in their hands, clicking, clicking the mouse, lost to all else. Some men become frightened at seeing themselves in this situation.
Whatever happens to him, taking care of you and looking out for you are all that you can really do. You are worth far more than he is giving and you have given far more than he appreciated. You are capable of love and intimacy. He is lost in the virtual fantasy world. Hang in there and hang strong. I am praying he turns and sees he really is going to lose you, and makes a step toward a decision of valuing his real relationship more than a series of pretend ones. Your value to him is as real. You know him and still want him. If he loses that, he has nothing. I am hoping he sees and sees soon.
Again, sorry you have to go through this lonely, sad and painful time, Mary B. Please feel at home with the TTF folks, many of whom know right where you are coming from
disillusioned

[waterlily327]

Hi Mary B, I am sorry I was not around to greet you when you first joined TTF (computer problems—ugg!). I wanted to introduce myself quickly—I am a 22 year old SO here on TTF with my BF. We have both found the site helpful. I am sorry that you find yourself in this position, but truly do believe that TTF will be a wonderful, helpful place for you (and your SO if he decides to join, which I would strongly encourage!). I agree that setting boundaries is a great step in starting the change. Once thing that I have often lost sight of in my journey here is that this is my recovery too…not just the PA’s recovery. Take care of yourself and your children first! It sounds like you are on the right path to recovering. Try not to take it out on yourself if your SO is not taking the steps he needs to in his recovery. Though it is immensely frusturating, especially when you give them all the love, advice, and tools they need to get better, they need to be ready to change. I hope you find TTF as wonderful, supportive, and helpful as I have over the months that I have been here. I hope to read more from you soon!

[dawn1952]

I feel they have to fear losing us on a deep level, before they start to change. If they're just saying to themselves, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard this before, and she's still here in my life", then it hasn’t shaken them up enough.

If we are still “having a good time” with them on some level, then sometimes that is all they need to feel secure in the fact that we are still in their lives. I had to cut my h off in nearly every respect to make him fear losing me. We did not spend any time having “fun” together. I was civil to him, but I held up my guard, in terms of how I interacted with him. I didn’t want to do anything that might cause him to think I wasn’t on guard. If he knew I wasn’t on guard, he would have tried to sneak back in again, or he may have felt secure in thinking he still had me on enough of a level that I wasn’t going to leave him. I had to make sure he knew the danger of me leaving him still existed, at all times. I wasn’t going to give much of myself to him, until I knew he was working on giving up all the other women. I did this most of all to protect myself, though in the process, it did send him a very strong message, and he got that message loud and clear.

This speaks so loud and clear to me. It's been a little over 2 weeks since I "broke up" with him and we're really not broken up! In agreeing to stay his "friend", I opened myself up to a whole world of continued pain. Next thing I knew, we're going out every Sunday. He's calling me every night. But it's always on his terms! He doesn't run home after work and call me -- he takes his time to do his usual and then he calls! All in his own time. He tells me he needs to "study" on Sunday mornings and he'll pick me up at noon, but I know how "study" is his excuse to look at P (he knows I know, too but, in his skewed, addicted mind, he still uses the word to try and hide his behavior.) He has to do that first, before he comes to me. (I know he does it after, too.)

At first, "having a good time" with him continued to throw me into a depression as I beat myself up for leaving such a "good man". But that's passing quickly as time away from him is opening my eyes. The day will come -- not sure when, but it has to -- when I tell him we have to get off the fence and go one way or the other and I'm NOT coming back until he admits he has a problem with P and is going to do everything he can to stop using it as an emotional crutch. It's me or the P. End of subject.

I don’t doubt that your b/f loves you, as he claims. It’s just that when they’re still viewing p and hooking up with other women, it isn’t possible for them to love us as much as they claim, or as much as they would if they gave it up. We all know how much p, and all forms of lusting, stands in the way of real love.

From what I see with my b/f, intimacy with a real woman is a huge, scary prospect. Does he love me? Yes, I know he does. Is it "real love"? I'd like to think so but I'm just not sure. P allows him to keep a distance from me that he's comfortable with, kind of keeps me at arm's length but he can keep on reeling me in with his love. He doesn't have to touch me but his "I love you, I love you, I love you" keeps me needing him, wanting him, and feeling guilty if I think I could ever leave. It keeps me living in a constant state of hope, wondering what is real and what's just what I wish could be.

[mary b]

Waterlily, it's a pleasure to meet you as well! I couldn't help but notice that you are from New England! Me too!!! I look forward to talking with you more on here and hearing more about yours and your bfs story as well.