Starting.....

[LostLady]

I have taken the last few days to read various journals before I started my own. It's been almost five months since I discovered this mess. No two days are ever the same! Some days, I seem to glide by, happy in the acknowledge that we are on our way to a better place. Other days, the worry, paranoia, and anger take over and the day never seems to end. Does anyone ever really get rid of this? My H seems to be doing well, no signs of relapse. Of course, I'm not glued to his side ( neither do I want to be!) so he could be viewing again. I want to have a "talk" about all of this but I find it so difficult to approach the subject when things seem to be fairly even. His anxiety is high and it worries me that his "old friend" will call and relieve his stress. I don't think he could even fathom how much this has affected me and changed my personality/thought process! I guess that probably NO ONE, other that another SO could fully understand. It's as though these little incidents pop up and plant in my brain. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Put together, does this point to something? It seems so unfair to question, seemingly innocent comments?!? Am I nuts!!! Even in the evening, when I'm upstairs cleaning the kitchen or watering outside plants and he's downstairs in the basement waiting for me, I wonder if he is sneaking a peak. I believe I know most of the times/patterns when he took advantage of my absence and some of them break my heart even more. He has been a difficult sleeper the last 10 years, so that was probably the time taken most. Very early in the morning, when I was not awake yet, especially on the weekends. If I ventured upstairs to soak in the tub or read a book. And the most hurtful answer......before we were intimate. That was a hard one and one I am having a difficult time digesting. He insists that he didn't "NEED" it before, but as I stated to him....."What was the point then?" Could there be anything more degrading, humiliating or crushing than this? So in my state of mind, I automatically feel that anytime we are intimate now, he is simply replaying images since he now isn't viewing. There are too many layers to this addiction/disease that peel themselves away.....slowly and painfully. Has anyone had any issues with uncomfortable/inappropriate talk during intimacy? I have had two situations lately and I have to talk about this. Immediately after did not seem right. Why am I afraid to rock the boat? It's as though I'm worried I'm going to sound like a shrew!! I guess I need a reality check. I DID NOT START THIS...CONTRIBUTE TO IT...AND WILL NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP!! I guess what all of us (SO's) here need to realize is that we are every bit as important and special as our partners and our needs/feelings are on level ground as theirs'. My H and I have to talk!! He will talk about all of this but is always so sad/depressed afterward which makes it even harder to broach. Well, he's as welcome to his feelings as I am to mine. Writing this is cleansing! I hope everyone finds some peace today!

[TooSensitive]

LL, welcome to TTF! You are not making a big deal out of nothing. Think about his track record. Even if nothing was going on, you still have a right to question it, and I'm certain you will keep on questioning it for some time to come. It is our right to ask, when we are feeling that something could be amiss. It is our right to question anything. It takes alot of reassurance from them, and time in real recovery, and us seeing that sincere change beyond just sobriety is taking place, before we start feeling safer.

I go through those periods too, when I am afraid to talk, esp. if things are going well. But I find if I don't speak up, it all consumes me, I shut down even further, and I end up feeling depressed due to all the bottling up I'm doing. Yes, it can be difficult for him to hear what I have to say, but it is necessary, not only for us, but also for them. I not only explain what he's done, or what I suspect he's done, but also, how that makes me feel.

Please gather all your courage and all your strength and yes, talk to him!

[LostLady]

Hi TS!

Thanks for the response! I am really all over the map with this! I got out today, on this magnificent weather day and began to feel a bit better. I will talk to him and I know that he will listen. Actually, there are many questions I'd like to ask. I don't think I ever got the full disclosure but at this point, after five months, I don't know if it would do any good to know and I do not know if he would share all. As with parenting, I wish there was a book/guideline to follow to help us through this!?! Luckily, there are many wonderful souls here who are willing to help. I hope that I can give back, half of what I have already been given. Of all life's challenges, this would be the LAST I would have EVER thought I would be dealing with. Today, I really want to tuck it away somewhere and feel normal. I have had a wonderful life and ironically, have felt guilty through the years that I really haven't had a lot of sorrow and pain in my life. Maybe it has caught up with me a bit! But honestly, compared to the problems others face here and elsewhere, I still am blessed. I definitely have to work on the anger issue though. I don't want my anger to eat away at me and I want to keep it in perspective as much as possible. I am a positive person by nature and this negativity is really draining. I will continue to read as many journals as time allows and pray for those who are taking this journey with me.

[LostLady]

Just saw this great quote.....


“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx

[Charly22]

Hi Lostlady, welcome to TTF. I hope this website is as every bit as beneficial for you, as it has been for me. I totally understand everything you just described. I still experience the struggle with needing to talk about some things. I become embarrassed by the fact that I have all this evidence in front of me, and all of these reasons to believe that my husb has made true change, and then get slammed with a negative thought or worry, and it embeds itself in my soul and won't let go.

I encourage you to go ahead and talk. Don't deny yourself your right to communicate about your feelings. And if your H is truly in the right spot with his recovery, he will take the time to understand and will be there for you. It is hard to come out and talk about the tough stuff, worrying that we might rock the boat. But, you will feel better for speaking your feelings to him.

Many here encourage writing a letter. This might be a safe way to address what you are feeling, without a heated, or emotionally charged converstation.

And I like what you said about being every bit as important and special as our partners needs/feelings. So, you definitely deserve the opportunity to share your feelings, your worries, your fears and be reassured. I hope your H continues on his path to recovery and is able to reassure as you deserve!

[TooSensitive]

LL, I can tell already that you are a positive person by nature. I always was too, until this monster came into my life. I became someone I no longer recognized for awhile. That anger is normal in the beginning. It is only through letting mine out by talking to him and telling him how angry I was that it eventually began to diminish. It still comes back some days, but if it does, it's very manageable now. You will get there too.

I am glad to read that you are taking care of yourself, by coming here, and by getting out in the good weather. Keep doing those little things for you, b/c they really do go a long way in helping us heal ourselves. Thx for that quote, I love it!

[Disillusioned]

Hi LL,
Welcome to TTF, the place for hurting souls to track their journey and gain insight from others who have traveled the same well-worn path. Sorry you find yourself here. Sorry for the confusion and pain, which are not necessary and are a waste of valuable time when real life brings enough problems of its own. TAke a look at the general discussion area of this web site. You will gain much information about what a wasteland P is, how big business is involved, how P's goal is money and the ensnarement of more souls, how it poisons everything it touches and is everywhere waiting to drown and seduce our men. Get acquainted with the 14 denial mechanisms men tell themselves in order to believe they aren't any different than other men. "Everybody does it," is the biggest lie. Even some therapists have adopted that lie, and it might be helpful to watch together...total garbage.
The other ladies were right in their efforts to urge you to talk about what is bothering you. No, you don't want to rock the boat, but you have the right to know where he is in his recovery, and he has the assignment of making you feel reassured. He brought this into the marriage while you were keeping the home fires burning. He owes you this reassurance, LL.
If you end up going to counseling to help sort through all this damage, make sure you ask ahead of time, if the counselor has dealt with pornography addiction before. Many counselors feel they are competent to deal with this, and they are not. Many don't even recognize p addiction. It is a real entity, as you will see the more that you read on here.
Copy some of the emails from other SOs and PA's and show your h, so he knows you are not the only one who feels the way you do about the betrayal that this is. Show him some of the examples of how many men continue with efforts to stay away from this long after the fact. It is everywhere wanting to sucker him back in, and it continues to teach them to cross lines of behavior that they would never cross in order to get that jolt of excitement and pleasure that drew them into this to begin with.
You have a hard road at recovery, and if you read enough, you will see that an SO's recovery is harder and longer than a PAs. How to regain that trust? How to feel like you are enough, when he chose p time after time, instead of coming to you. You will have your strength tested beyond measure.
I am happy your h is starting to white knuckle and withdraw from this, because it has hurt you. Eventually, he has to believe it is damaging to him, as well, in order for him to empower himself to stay away from this modern plague.
Good luck, LL. There are many kind and wise souls here who will walk with you and guide your journey. It is a sorry place to be, but sadly, it is so wonderful that it is here, cause this hurts a woman in the most personal, private way.
disillusioned

[Hopeful59]

LL

IMO, what you are feeling is pretty typical. It has been the better part of a year since I discovered by SO's porn use. Although our relationship has largely recovered, I doubt I will ever trust him the way I used to. And, why should I? His dirty little secret devastated me and I was suddenly faced with some very ugly truths, one of which was that he was not the man I thought he was. And there are some days when I wonder just how far down the pathway to hell he would willingly go. His apparent lack of moral fiber bothers me - A LOT.

I have no evidence that my SO has relapsed (although I wish some of his "friends" would stop sending him porn via email/text). Still, I have days when I wonder, days when I check his computer use (even though I have a pretty effective p-blocker on our router), days when I wonder if he's getting a fix elsewhere. I think I have a better understanding of what p-addiction is like, but I still hate everything about it and honestly would have very little patience if I found out he was at it again.

As for communicating my feelings to my SO, sending him emails has worked for me.

[LostLady]

It's quiet here, no H, no radio, no TV. I just finished reading all the great responses I received this weekend. A big thanks to Charly22, Too Sensitive, Disillusioned and Hopeful59. I will take your advise, encouragement and good wishes with me through my day today. It was an interesting weekend....very busy. I still haven't had my heart-to-heart with my H. I need the right mood, the right time to spill my heart. It's coming this week. We spent time with family on Friday and we attended a wedding reception for some good friends on Saturday. My insecurities/anger reared their ugly heads at the reception. There was a very attractive female guest dressed rather scantily which set off my suspicion alarm! I looked for my H's reaction every time she passed by to see if he was perusing her. I have never felt/done this before and it was degrading to me. It was so stupid!!! He wasn't staring or ogling but I was determined to catch him if he did. My annoyance must have shown, because he kept asking me if I was angry or bored. I just couldn't shake this negative, bad feeling which truthfully, was self imposed in that instance. He didn't do anything wrong, I just sort of silently lost it! I've got to work on this horrible habit of slamming/comparing own my looks in the presence of attractive women. I've never felt this inadequate and I know it's the end result of this nasty problem. I've lost some weight this past year with more to go but this change of attitude has to come from within my head and heart. My H tells me all the time that he thinks I'm beautiful and I do think he's sincere. Of course, a lot of these revelations with him took place AFTER the p/m was discovered. I guess it took the shock, fear and humiliation of his actions to shake him up enough to see me as he did before. I kept my mouth shut, went to bed and woke up feeling better in the morning. An interesting thing happened on our Sunday morning walk. We were strongly discussing (not quite fighting!) about keeping a garden bench for our yard (doesn't that sound ridiculous!?!) I really want to keep it and he does not. This has been a sore subject with us and one we have delayed in addressing. After going back and forth, he suggested to put it in storage, rather than the garbage. I reluctantly agreed but he thought I was angry. His immediate response was "Now you're mad.....no, we'll keep it.....I don't want you to be mad". I explained I wasn't mad, just a little disappointed. What he said next really stunned me. He explained, " I can't control some things that I do that make you mad, but this I can, so we'll keep it". I really feel he was trying to say that he can't erase away my anger from the p/m, but he can compromise on the other not-so-important stuff. This is a major change for him. Partly due to my own past actions and those of my mother-in-law before me, my H is very spoiled and likes to get his way! Very little spoiling going on now!! I was very touched by his response and saw this as a very, large step forward in his thinking. Last Wednesday, another situation occurred in which I was very angry at him, nothing p/m related and he was immediately apologetic. These are definitely steps in the right direction. By the way..... we're putting the bench in storage. I also have to compromise!! Up, down, back and forth our feelings go. I would love some boring, level, even ground!! I couldn't wait to come on here this morning. I am continuing my journal readings. Regardless of our different situations, ages, geographical locations, we are all one in this journey. I hurt for each and every one of you. I hope I can help soothe your wounded hearts as you have mine. I feel my heart has had a big gash ripped into it and I am longing for a scab. I'm sending sunny thoughts and peace to all you lovely ladies this morning......have a healing day!!

[TooSensitive]

Wedding receptions are still huge triggers for me. But then, my h has done inappropriate things at some of those. I am glad to read your h did not. Please don't beat yourself up for how you reacted. It's normal. It will go away eventually, if you see him making consistent progress. But even with that, there are just some circumstances which bring it all back again. I don't criticize myself for being triggered - instead, I understand why, and I accept that there will be times when I am triggered, yet my h is not. This is what can happen, given their history. We can't just erase that history with a snap of our fingers or the blink of an eye. That history, unfortunately, is ingrained in us. How could something that hurt us so deeply not be? It is only through time, hard work, and healing that we learn how to manage it all. Until we do, I feel it's best to forgive ourselves along the way.

It is so very hard to heal that big gash that has been ripped into our hearts. For me, it is b/c there has been a near-steady stream of incidents happening, even if those incidents are not as bad as they once were. My h, to the best of my knowledge, is not viewing p or mb'ing. But, he still "looks" at times, and there have been other negative behaviors that have nothing to do with a/o and everything to do with not becoming a better person overall. But, he is trying, as best he can. It's still really hard. I can't just pretend that none of this has happened, b/c it has. I am trying to come to terms with it all, so I can let go. But it's complicated and not so easy to do. There are wounds that just won't heal. Sometimes, a scar does form over a particular wound, but it doesn't take much for that scab to be ripped off again. It can be a living hell like no other. I too am trying to get back to that sunny place again and have moments of inner peace. I hope we both get there, and soon. B/c we both sure deserve it, LL. All of us here do.