Inspiration

[doodans]

The title of my journal signifies, being inspired and taking a healing breath in ...(french,,inspiration). I am too tired to write tonight, just wanted to get a journal started.

[JenMac]

Welcome Doodans!
I love the title of your journal! Hope you are inspired to share your story with us! I welcome you to TTF! There are many wise and supportive people here! I hope you find it to be as much a blessing as I have!
All the best!
Jenn

[doodans]

Thanks Jen and Charly,

I find myself changing in many ways, however in many ways I am becoming more of who I was when I was a teenager. I find that so interesting. I remember feeling like anything and everything was possible and that my life was going to be everything that I put into it! It is slow going and I don't always feel this way. It is also accompanied by the self doubt of those adolescent years too.
One step forward and two back sometimes, so it is a slow climb needless to say.
This weekend I found myself struck with sadness for my H. I wish he could come along with me, with our family and join in all our new found interests. He can't, he is lost in his world of addiction and is angry if I am sad and angry if I am happy and moving forward without him.
I don't want to be a puppet on a string anymore. I don't want to be what he wants me to be for him. That is forever changing and I am not the priority in his life.
Learning to not follow his lead in terms of if I have self worth or not on any given day...has been the most difficult. If he calls of his own volition (only happens if he needs something), or texts (the same), I feel better and think...Oh wow, he is changing, he sees it all now and doesn't want to live this way...then reality hits again..and thus the cycle continues.
He only gets in touch with me when he needs something, otherwise, nothing, he waits it out for weeks...and then true to my nature I will call him. I hate this dance and wish that I would learn to just let go once and for all.
He has shown me so many times now since I found out about his "double life", that he has no intention of giving it up and that I should just forgive him for his frailty and that we should just resume a life together.
Part of me says...well that would be easier in so many ways...for all of us. He would be here to do some of the yard work and being a support. However a bigger part just cannot turn a blind eye. I can't cover all this up. I know what he has been up to and what he wants to continue being up to....he feels he can do it all without it affecting anyone! He feels that he was/is fine, and can cope better with this sex addiction than trying to erradicate it. He says so many things that I find so difficult to understand as real.
I told him that there are a lot of women out there who would go along with him and turn a blind eye...or heck join him in this manipulative, destructive lifestyle..but that I couldn't be that woman.
He then tells me that I think I am so perfect and that I will never forgive him and I should just forgive him. How can I forgive him when it never stops, when he isn't building trust, when he says that in fact he can't trust me...he can't forgive me....I don't understand so much still.
What I do know is that I get too consumed with what he is doing or not doing and that is not in my best interest. I waste and have wasted so much time, feeling sorry for him, for the situation and trying to get him to understand the difficult position I am in....to no avail.
I keep thinking that things are changing based on little gestures...but there is no consistency. I am counselled to look for positive predictability in his behaviour. The only thing I can predict is this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behaviour...in addition to abuse if chanllenged and of course his blaming me for the problem we face (I am seeing it the wrong way apparently).
I am awake again obsessing and feeling so sad at this whole situation.
I like the feeling of living my life fresh and new like the teenager that I was....but better :), but this whole residual fallout keeps following me around. I can't change my H. He can think whatever he thinks about me, he can judge me if I am in despair of what has happened to us, and judge me if I am forging a new life and carrying on. He will blame and critique me anyway....oh this detaching is horrendous. I am getting there and Like I said, for the most part it is going well. Thank you for reading.

[JenMac]

HI Doodans!
Detachment is so very hard! Loving detachment is the hardest. Loving someone enough to let them go, to let them make their own mistakes, to let them fall. That is extremely hard to do!
When we love someone, or even if we are just attached somehow, it is a natural instinct to want to help them when they are struggling. However in this case, the best way to help them is sometimes by letting them go. Sometimes they need to hit that rock bottom that everyone talks about. In fact, I would say often times in this addiction.
So while you obviously struggle with detachment doodans, I think you have made the very best decision, for yourself, for your children and yes, for your H as well. Stay strong and do what is necessary to find that strength and wellbeing for yourself. It is the best thing you can do in this situation.
Hugs!
Jenn

[doodans]

Thanks Jen,
I am getting there. I have to let go of being the good girl. I have been this for so very long...I have tried to protect myself by trying to cross all the t's and dot all the i's, but you know what? It just doesn't matter....I have to love and be who I am and not worry so much about getting it right. Getting it right hasn't protected me from anything.
I need to learn to live my life and my purpose. It is harder than trying to get it right so that you are free from scrutiny. Heck...that is easy compared to really being genuine.
Having the courage to speak up and be faced with all kinds of fallout is really scary...that B..itch connotation rears it head and many others that have just made me cringe. I didn't want to be those. I am changing....not a moment too soon either. The one's who would use that connotation to describe anyone are probably living from their wounded selves...they are in fact trying to protect themselves. I have been told that speaking the truth is intimidating to those who don't want to be exposed.
I am that intimidation factor now more than ever. I hope I can keep remembering my truth and I hope to keep having the courage to know what is important to voice and what wouldn't be of any higher good to spew out.
I continue to learn so much. I know I will look back and see it all as a blessing....today is not that day.

[doodans]

It is another day to fill and enjoy and seek what is in my highest good. I am reminded how trust is a powerful motivator. I was entrusted with my life, my being and my children's being. My H no longer factors in. He chose differently and he is entrusted with what his life will be.
In my life I need to confront issues head on and learn to do it with respect. I keep getting reminded that this is ok, that this is healthy even. I have to keep seeing the consequences of not confronting reality. I cannot live in my own fantasy that someday my H will get this and come and get me...like in the movie "an Officer and a Gentleman". He will wisk me away and we will live happily ever after!
I need to live my own life with courage and challenge myself at every turn to live the values I cherish. I need to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hi Doodans. Welcome to TTF. Sorry you have had to find your way here. It sounds like you are going through a lot of pain right now, but that you are still managing to maintain some perspective on the situation and - most importantly - that you are able to be there for your children. You are very strong to recognise and follow through on the need to detatch, let go and look after yourself. It is easy to say but very hard to do. I hope you find the support from this site that I have found here. Good luck with your journey. Keep posting. CSN

[doodans]

Hi CSN,
The detaching is difficult. Thanks for your support for the journey!

[doodans]

Very depressed for the last few days.
Everytime I see my Husband or interact with my husband, I get this way. I think I try to will him to be someone he isn't. I want him to get this and want to overcome this addiction more than anything else. So if he is nice to me, I translate it into him wanting to do whatever it takes. After I have seen him and he doesn't call or try to get in touch in any way, I start the pattern again of self loathing and blame. I start the same old feeling that I am not enough and that it is because I am not this way or that way. The pain of that kind of thinking is tortuous.
I just don't understand why he would chose to throw all this away for a strange existence with sexuality driving his life, all of his decisions, and destroying the people around him who love him, who love his essence. He says we don't love him, or we would just accept him the way he is and not want to change him. He says he can't be who he is, he says that he needs it, that he is not like others. He says what is the use, that I will never forgive him anyway and that he will always have to carry around what he has done, is doing, will do. He says he might as well be happy about it, instead of always feeling guilty.
I am learning to hear the addict speak. It is difficult to train myself out of it and to know the truth behind his words. I get so very hurt. I am human too. I can't rise above being told that it is because of me, so easily. He says that he doesn't need all this pschycho babble around addiction and my righteous anger. He tells me he is not the Pope and that I should just forgive and forget and move on. He is not sober, never has been. He just wants to find better ways this time to not get caught. I don't want to live that way. I am learning what someone in recovery looks like, how they behave. It is consistent and predictable, it is humble. It is not what I am living with this man now. Today I will ask for what I need and know that it is ok to ask and to have it be respected.

[Charly22]

He says we don't love him, or we would just accept him the way he is and not want to change him. He says he can't be who he is, he says that he needs it, that he is not like others. He says what is the use, that I will never forgive him anyway and that he will always have to carry around what he has done, is doing, will do. He says he might as well be happy about it, instead of always feeling guilty.
I am learning to hear the addict speak.

My husband told me the exact same things. And it sure did make me feel guilty at first. But the truth is, like you said, it is the addict speaking. The warped way of thinking. We should love our spouse, we should be accepting of their silly little faults, we should be able to allow them to be themselves. BUT....you and I both know, that a p addict is not being one's true self. So, everything he is trying to say does not apply, and cannot apply, until he uncovers his true self.

I am glad that you are able to at least try to seperate the man from the addict.....