Attack, attack what?

[Love in a Lifeboat]

How do you attack something that has no voice, no physicality we can grab and toss out onto the street?Something that a PA will hold onto with dear life, like breathing?
We are all taught not to attack something or someone that clearly can not defend themselves. That would be wrong. But we are assuming that "P" doesn't have a voice or any physcial form that can defend itself, and we would be dead wrong.

In searching for group support, I came upon countless of websites that ranged from extreme vows to the man hating feminist, to the anti-anti-"P" haters.
Yes people there are persons out there who have the unmitigated gall to pan and dissect anti-porn marketing. You would think that they wouldn't feel so threatened by people's opinion, if "P" was so unthreatening or benign.
Why would "P" need to be defended so vehemently if it was truly nothing to be worried about. Makes you wonder?

It's been three days since I told my H that I renounced "P" like I have renounced Satan, and they are one in the same. You should have seen his face. It wasn't the soft and kind hearted face I fell in love with and continue to love.

His eyes became hooded, his eyes darkened, his facial color darkened and he even lowered his head. Yes people the demon showed his ugly face to me and I knew it was all out war.

I told my therapist that God wanted me to see all of these signs over the years to help him, what my therapist said is that God brought me to my th and to all of you to save myself. Isn't it God's teaching, help yourself because I will help you?

Well God was with me at that moment, and he made me fearless. I didn't back down and I felt strong. I told my H I was done being vigilant, I was done protecting his soul. That's his job.

My H got up and said "Okay, that's it." My H thinks he doesn't have a problem. He thinks he can be two steps ahead all the time. What my H doesn't realize, is that P has him by the you know what's and won't let go. My H doesn't understand where he is responsible for my misery, my self-confidence. One minute he states he loves me and wants only me and in the next he is looking at it again. I mean he couldn't even stay away from it one year on our anniversary. The day we made vows before God and everyone that we would be true to each other.

He is so conflicted, in one life he has me and then he has his hidden secret, P.

I was being passive aggressive with him, making jabs and attacks because I couldn't go after P. Well, I had to stop. If I didn't, I was going to get sick hitting that solid brick wall. But like all walls they have their weakness and there collapsing points.

In the last few days, since I declared my act of self preservation to him, my "H" has been irritable and very bullish in the house, slamming doors, cabinets, you name it.

Last night before bed, I said I had joined a group therapy online. He became very angry. He took a shower, then proceeded to write down his feelings on paper, because in his own words he didn't want to start an argument.

The gamut went from, you should tell me these things earlier in the evening so he can process them, because they keep him awake and he needs to get to work; to I realize I've hurt you but since I haven't told him to stop looking at P I obviously don't want him to so he won't stop.
He says that I came with emotional baggage into the matrimony and he promises to help me through so that I can trust my H again. Oh and lets not forget that my "H" says that he will no longer enable my negative behavior with distractions like video games or TV that will keep me doing my house spouse duties, like cleaning. What?!

The letter was absurd. The demon clearly feels very threatened by me and took over his hand. I tell him I have a support group and he comes back with "Great, so now you can talk to other people about what I'm not doing anymore." What?!

Talk about conflict within himself. He isn't fighting me, he's fighting himself. He in only lying to himself that he can beat the system. It has to be eating away at him the secrets, the deceptions this double hidden life.

The final part of the letter made me see red. "I love you. I married you for a very selfish reason, I didn't want to be alone." I told him this morning that we have a long road ahead for our marriage. I love him and I didn't marry him because I didn't want to be alone, but because I love him and that's why I stay.

He said, "I don't think you realize how much I love you. So much that it is unbearably painful to even think of being without you."

(Sigh)Well, I know I just have to stay the course and in the lifeboat. I'll be there when he is ready.

[Crisodian]

Life,
Good for you for standing your ground and making your problems yours and his PA his.

IMO, you are right to be upset about the letter he wrote you. However, you have a very clear sense of "why" he wrote the things he did. Good for you for finding support for yourself, regardless of his attempts to undermine what you need to heal.

I wanted to ask: have you yourself sent him a letter telling him how P makes you feel, what P has done to you, him and your relationship, and what your limits and boundaries are? Giving him something in writing about what you expect in your marriage and from him can help him decide to fight his addiction. I gave my husband a very clear, very detailed list of what my expectations were, what I wanted from him and what failure to abide by those expectations would do to us and our relationship. It helped. A lot.

It may be his addiction, but it's your home, your marriage and your life it is impacting as well.

Talk about conflict within himself. He isn't fighting me, he's fighting himself. He in only lying to himself that he can beat the system. It has to be eating away at him the secrets, the deceptions this double hidden life.

So very, very true.

Find peace,
~C~

[Love in a Lifeboat]

I have been think about a contract I would sign stating my renouncing P and all its forms. Writing up one for him and seeing if he would sign. I have a strong feeling he would tear it up and throw it away. In the letter he also stated he told me that he was not addicted but obviously I felt that he was so that was "my truth". Clever, clever demon. But I'm not falling for that one either.

[Charly22]

The contract is a good idea. If he resists....so be it. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what is happening, and a clear perception of what p addiction does to its users. I hope you know that it has nothing to do with what you may lack or is not any kind of reflection on you. Stand strong exactly where you are. Do not waiver. After awhile, he will see that you cannot be moved.

That is one of the first things I learned here, and I still hear it often, set your boundaries. Let them be known. Another thing I had to learn was to remove my anger and bitterness. It's almost another tool to take you down deeper into the pit, if you let it. You are right about the forgiveness. The understanding. It's really hard to have those things. But we have to understand why and how, and hear the hard stuff if we ever expect to have an impact, an effective one. It's almost like there are two elements that you have to deal with. One = p addiction (such an individual thing) Two = your relationship. The relationship aspect is where the removing the anger and bitterness comes in. Either your gonna stand by him, and stand strong in your needs and beliefs, and keep the relationship in tact while he figures it all out, or your gonna run far far away. To stay and hope and try and encourage and demand, it requires the necessary means of keeping the relationship in tact. I know I say all this while the pa is the one who should be worrying about keeping the relationship in tact. But that's his side of it. You can only control your side of it. You are most like the only consequence to his p viewing. You are the closest thing to him to be able to have an impact on him. I hope you find comfort and strength here at this website, in order to feel stronger to face and deal with what you have been handed.

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Last night he stated in the letter that I never said stop so he won't. I put a piece of paper on his desk and wrote:
Okay
Please turn page over
I love you
Stop
I love you
Stop
I love you

We'll see what happens

[IN NEED OF HELP]

In the letter he also stated he told me that he was not addicted but obviously I felt that he was so that was "my truth". Clever, clever demon. But I'm not falling for that one either.

Its me again

He is in complete denial. this addiction has a very very strong and firm grip on him. something really needs to hit him like a ton of bricks, to make him finally come to his senses and get of this damn high horse he is on, and do something about this problem.

As a addict, I can tell you, that when we got addicted to this crap, there was no way for us to really stop it on our own. this beast attacks our minds, and then allows it to go to our Hearts, that there is nothing wrong in what we are doing. I was very very deep into my addiction, and to be very honest, if it was not brought to lite, about my actions, I would probably still be very deep in the hole with the problem. the best thing that did happen to me, was that it came to lite about the addiction. when I saw the impact that it had on my SO, it made me start thinking, that maybe just maybe, it is wrong that I am doing this. Of course I always knew it was wrong, because I was hiding it from my SO, but I just wasn't going to accept that I had a problem with this crap. I would tell my self, that I could stop this at any time, but yet, I failed every time I did try to quit.

There will be a time in his life, that he just can not continue living this life. if he does not get control of it, he will only be kidding himself, in what this addiction will let him look at. he has lost full control of his life because of this, and it will only get worse for him, if he does not stop it. As a addict, this addiction now scares the hell out of me. it scares me to wonder where I would be in this addiction, if I have not seeked help 7 months ago.

I am in no way am going to stick up for him, and say his action are ok. this crap need to be out of the both of your lives, and it needs to be out NOW. It may need to get to the point that if you tell him to leave, that you will not have this addiction in your home, that he will get a slap in the face, and wake up, to see how this is affecting the both of you. this addiction is not only the addicts problem, but this problem affects the whole household.

I love that you are standing ground on this, and you are letting him know, that it can not and will be tolerated any longer by you. this just may be what he needs to come around

I am praying that he sees what he is doing to you, and that he wants to try to fix his life.

Like I said, I will not stick up for him in any way, but I do need to say this. when he told you:
"I don't think you realize how much I love you. So much that it is unbearably painful to even think of being without you."
He is telling you the truth. he really does Love you so much more than you will ever know. this addiction just has a tight hold on him right now, that is it so hard for him to prove the love he does have for you. Many may feel I am wrong in saying he loves you this much, but I don't feel like I am wrong

Stand firm on your decisions, and never back down in anyway with them. sooner of later, we will get the point and he will seek out help for himself.

Good luck to you

Gerald

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Woke up today feeling unburdened. I feel free. Since I told my H that I wasn't going to try and protect him and be vigilant, I feel free.

I think that makes him feel even worse and angry. He keeps slamming doors and cabinets but trying to pretend everything is okay. I think he's worried. He knows he can no longer lay the burden of the secret "P" on me. He's got no one to cover for his P viewing and he is vulnerable. I think he counted on me to keep his habit, addiction or whatever you want to call it to shield it from the world. But that burden he placed on me, was tearing me up inside and out. It brought me low while he went on viewing.

I think he is very scared now. Will he finally own up to it or run the other direction?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Woke up today feeling unburdened. I feel free. Since I told my H that I wasn't going to try and protect him and be vigilant, I feel free.

I think that makes him feel even worse and angry. He keeps slamming doors and cabinets but trying to pretend everything is okay. I think he's worried. He knows he can no longer lay the burden of the secret "P" on me. He's got no one to cover for his P viewing and he is vulnerable. I think he counted on me to keep his habit, addiction or whatever you want to call it to shield it from the world. But that burden he placed on me, was tearing me up inside and out. It brought me low while he went on viewing.

I think he is very scared now. Will he finally own up to it or run the other direction?

Mrs lifeboat

Good for you in standing your ground on this. to me, now he knows just how you feel. he now knows that he will have a very big choice to make, regarding his life. the direction he takes, is anyone guess, but it is his choice to make.

He is very upset now,because he may have to choose to stop this addiction, that he has held so deep in his heart for a long time. he is upset, because you don't understand why it isn't ok to look at this crap. He is upset, that you are taking this away from him.

This choice he has to make now, is not a tough one to make. but it can be hard for a addict to make, because this addiction has been a part of his life, and he knows nothing else but this addiction. he is scared in how he is going to be, when he cant have it anymore.

What is sad, is that he just does not know right now, how damn good he will feel if this addiction was out of his life. he is scared to let go. it is so hard for a addict to explain, just how much this addiction controlled us. I never really knew how much it controlled me, until I became free from its grip. I wont lie, I missed it so much in the beginning of my recovery, because it was something I held so close to my heart. I now see, that all this has done for me, was to turn me into a no good, self centered, piece of crap, and now I know, why people did not want to be around me anymore.

But I am no longer that person. everyone does notice a change in me, and that is a good feeling.

Stand your ground on your decisions. don't give in to them. if you keep accepting him when he gives in to this addiction, he will just walk all over you, because he will feel that you are not serious in your words.

He is scared to lose you, he is scared to be without you. Lets just hope that he makes the right choice now

I wish you all the best


erald

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Well It's been a few days and we talked again. He says he hasn't looked at it and I want to believe his word but I've come to realize that we definitely need some kind of contracts and assurances to build our trust again. I think contracts would be good for expectations of each other and what happens when those expectations are broken, like infractions. And I think that assurances would be written proof that all subscriptions have been cancelled and erased from computer with p nanny software installed. although they could be disabled I still think proof shows good will and when that good will is broken then there should be some consequences. We are going to see the therapist this Friday together and we'll see what comes out of it.

What I believe in is hope, nothing else I control.

[bethann27]

We are going to see the therapist this Friday together and we'll see what comes out of it.

What I believe in is hope, nothing else I control.

Been reading back through your journal . . . it is hard for me to believe that others really do understand the pain & frustration that come from being in love with a SA. The reading is very healing for me because I have hurt for so many years.

Hope is all we have & you are so right to say that we cannot control anything else. It is definitely good that he is willing to see a therapist - that is something to be hopeful about :)

Wishing you a great day.